37. Reveal + Respect

The car ride to drop Mom off at Goldcrest Rehabilitation Centre was somehow emotional, yet emotionless.

I'd wanted to bawl my eyes out. I'd wanted to scream. I'd wanted to punch the glove compartment over and over until my knuckles bled.

But I hadn't. I'd managed to keep it all in, yet again.

Mom hadn't made a sound, sitting in the back seat as quiet as a mouse, staring out the window at the twinkling stars.

"I need to be better," she'd muttered as I'd helped her out of the car. She'd looked me in the eyes, but her gaze had been empty. "I must be better. For you and Haven." She'd caressed my cheek, kissed Haven on the forehead, then went silent again.

The man on the night shift admitted her immediately. After she answered a bout of questions and was taken back for a medical examination, Haven and I had to fill out some forms and get a payment plan in place. Money would be tight. But as long as we both put in a few extra working hours, we could swing it. The man said he thought he could get us some financial support since she was our only living parent and we were both in high school.

By the time Hav and I got home around 3am, I was an absolute wreck. I hadn't cried this hard since I found the letter Dad wrote to Alexei.

I ended up texting Jayce, telling him I needed him. I wasn't even sure if he'd be awake, but I didn't keep my phone close to check. I just went down to the front porch and cried. I don't even know how much time passed.

Honestly, you'd think I'd have been more prepared for this. After so many years of basically not having a mom, I hadn't let myself accept her new found sobriety very easily. I'd kept her at a distance, that much is for sure. And now, I couldn't help but wonder... if I hadn't done that... if I'd fully embraced her back into my life... would we have been checking her into a rehab center tonight?

Maybe this is partly my fault.

I should've been more loving. Had more faith in her.

Another round of tears pours out of my eyes as my shoulders shake and I sob uncontrollably on the porch swing. My head feels completely clogged and my eyes are puffy, but I can't stop.

Soon, I hear the sound of a V8 engine screech into the driveway, followed by a slamming car door and strong footfalls sprinting toward me.

"Baby, what's going on?" Jayce questions as he wraps his arms around me. "God, you're freezing," he says softly, taking off his leather jacket and wrapping it around my shoulders, lifting me into the bridal carry and walking us toward his car.

I don't really register anything that's going on. Everything is in a sort of haze. Almost like a dream... flashings of colors and sounds that all blend together, like a kaleidoscope of debilitated incoherency.

Next thing I know, Jayce has parked the car at the edge of the river that runs through town, his headlights shining on the rippling surface.

"Being around water always helps me think," Jayce says as he gently takes my hand and kisses my palm. "But if you'd rather stay in the warm car, we can do that, too. I think I have a blanket in the trunk that we could use, though."

I nod, signaling that I want to sit by the river. Perhaps hearing the rushing water will help bring me back to life.

There's more flashes, and then Jayce and I are sitting by the river, cuddled under a blanket. He's enough to keep me warm, but the blanket certainly helps in making me feel secure.

I gaze out at the surface of the river, which is dancing and shining in the moonlight, reflecting a warped, but just as beautiful, version of the night sky.

"So," Jayce begins, pulling me closer to him. "What happened?"

"Took Mom to rehab," I say, my voice monotone.

"You know that none of this is your fault, right?" He nuzzles his nose into my hair, kissing my ear. Although I'm practically incoherent, I still am overwhelmed by his intoxicating scent of clove and perique.

"Do you ever feel like you're never going to be able to move on?" I mumble, still staring out at the water. "Like, no matter what you do, or how much you try to move on, you somehow keep getting pulled into the past?"

Jayce is silent for several moments before responding. "Yes."

I let out a sigh as I lean into his strong chest. "I'm glad she's in rehab," I confess, beginning a surge of words. "And not just because it means she'll get help. I'm glad she's in rehab because it means I don't have to deal with her anymore. Which is horrible of me to say. Like, yes, Haven and I will have to make payments to the Centre, but at least I don't have to try to act like everything is normal when it's not. And then, at the same time, I can't help but wonder if I'd just had more faith in her... if I'd paid more attention and seen the warning signs... maybe I could've helped her more and she wouldn't have relapsed? I don't know," I sigh, feeling tears freely streaming down my cheeks. I'm not even crying. But the tears are still coming.

"Fallon," Jayce says gently. "You did everything you knew to do. You can't let 'what-if's' destroy you," his voice breaks on his last words.

"Sounds like you're speaking from experience," I note, still staring at the river in front of me. I do notice that my heart rate elevates a bit. Maybe he'll finally tell me.

He's silent.

"Jayce..." I say, turning to him and instantly weakening. In the silver moonlight, he looks like a dark angel. Perfect curled locks, flawless skin, chiseled features. "Tell me what happened," I whisper, barely able to hear my own voice as I study his profile.

"I can't," he breaks, bowing his head and closing his eyes.

"Yes," I place a hand on his forearm, willing him to open up and trust me, "you can."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere."

He's silent for a long time.

And so am I.

The babbling of the water and the beating of my heart is all I can hear.

"Because of me..." he exhales slowly, furrowing his eyebrows and not opening his eyes. "Because of me, a girl killed herself."

My heart seems to stop beating for several seconds. "What?" I whisper, not sure I heard him correctly. I'd wondered several times about what trauma was in his past. But never, never, could I have guessed that. "What happened?"

"It's a long story," he sighs.

"I've got time," I say, remembering when he first fed me that line on the roof of the winery at the beginning of the year.

He gives me a weak side smile, but then his features fall again. He takes a deep breath and I rub his back, doing my best to comfort him, but also using every ounce of energy I have left to listen to whatever he's about to say.

"So, remember when my mom said that my name means, 'a healing'?" Jayce asks.

"Of course," I say, remembering his flinch and the expression of shame that had crossed his features both times the meaning of his name had been mentioned.

"She named me that on purpose."

"What do you mean?"

"Well..." he glances at me sideways. "I'm her second child. For her, I was some sort of second chance - an opportunity to let herself heal from the pain of her past. Have redemption. Birth a child that wasn't forced upon her by a man she didn't love, or even know."

"I don't understand," I say quietly, afraid that if I speak too loudly, he might close back up again.

"When my mom was 16," he explains, "she was raped by a stranger at a party, and conceived a child. My half-brother, Dominic. Or, Dom, as I grew up calling him."

"I didn't know you had a brother," I breathe, but as soon as the words leave my lips, I remember catching a glimpse of a photo in Alexei's safe. It had been of a family of four. I also remember that there had been four large chairs on top of the grape sculpture at the Harvest Party, which Jayce said had been made for his family.

"Yeah, that's because he's not really a part of our family anymore," Jayce spits bitterly.

"What do you mean?"

"He's in prison."

"Why?"

"One summer break, when I was 8, I walked in on him having sex with his girlfriend, who'd gotten really drunk at dinner. He was 18 at the time. I knew what was going on... she wasn't just drunk, she was passed out," he buries in face in his hands, his shoulders beginning to quake. "He told me not to tell. He said they were just playing. So, I didn't. I kept quiet, because I trusted and loved my brother, and he was an adult. I thought he should be able to make his own decisions."

He finally raises his face, looking up at the moon as a single tear rolls out of the corner of his eye.

"And then, when he was away at college the next semester... he ended up having sex with a different girl at some party. He–" his voice hitches in his throat and he runs his fingers through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. "It wasn't consensual. He had drugged her. She and her family ended up pressing charges, but before the trial even took place, she–she–"

He lets out an empty sob that I can't quite comprehend. I wrap myself around him as he continues to cry.

"She killed herself," he wails into his hands. "And if I hadn't been such a coward... if I'd spoken up when I first found Dom and his girlfriend a few months before... that girl would still be alive."

He's completely broken. He's shaking uncontrollably, his breathing quick and uneven as he heaves with the cries of a broken heart. I pull him close to me, doing my best to wrap him in my embrace. I kiss his tears as they run down his cheeks. I rub his back and run my fingers through his hair. A few tears even spill out of my eyes as I feel his pain.

"Jayce, you have to know that wasn't your fault," I say softly, my chest aching at his sorrow. "You were a kid. You trusted your brother, and he deceived you."

"But if I'd said just something... if I wasn't such a pussy..."

"Jayce. This is going to sound terrible, but you don't know that speaking up would've even done anything. If you told your parents, odds are your brother would've found a way to spin it so it made sense. You said she was his girlfriend, after all. Who knows if it would've even made a difference? Don't let someone else's issues run your life. You should be the only one that determines your mental and emotional stability, not someone else."

"You're one to talk," he chuckles, sniffling.

"I know," I let out an airy laugh. "But seriously, babe... it's time to let yourself be free from this. You need to forgive yourself."

"You're right," he sighs. "Sometimes I feel like if I do that, I'm not paying my consequences though."

"Consequences for what?!" I exclaim, starting to get frustrated that he's so bent on torturing himself. "You're not to blame for your brother's decisions, or that girl's decision to take her life. You're not responsible, Jayce. Learn from it, but let yourself go."

He exhales slowly, closing his eyes and leaning against me. "You're right..."

"Is this what made your dad become so mean and cold?"

"Yeah, he's tried to cover the whole thing up for the sake of the business. Back then, our family was so public and so closely associated with Duende, he thought that a rape case could end the company. So, he lied. When my brother was sentenced, dad made up a cover story that Dom had died in a car crash, hoping to distract the media from finding out what was really going on and always asking where he was. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone. After that, dad got super anal about security and privacy and making sure no one got too close. I know he only wanted to protect our family and livelihood, but he turned into this controlling, paranoid, manipulative asshole."

"Damn. I bet that was really hard to watch."

"Yeah, it was... still is sometimes," he runs his fingers through his curly brown hair, finally looking me in the eyes. "I've never told anyone about all this stuff before. Thank you for listening."

"Thank you for trusting me," I say, feeling closer and more connected to Jayce than I ever have before. I remember when he gave me a ride home from Adam's party at the beginning of the year, after I'd dumped beer on his head. He told me that Deion had planted a camera and bet some of the guys on the men's team he would be able to make a video of me that night. That's why he got so upset. That's why he saved me.

When Jayce and I "broke into" Duende, and he gave me a very hefty glass of wine, I'd asked him what he plans to do with me once I'm drunk. That was the second time I'd seen his look. He'd assured me I was safe with him. But his eyes had still been hurt, full of sadness and pain. And now, I finally know why.

"I don't know why I told you," he scoffs, tired. "I mean, I trust you more than anyone, but I've also given you every reason to hate me."

"Jayce," I console, somehow finding a way to scoot even closer to him, "I've always known there was something deeper to you, something that I wanted to figure out. And now, knowing what it is, I... the level of respect and admiration I have for you just quadrupled. I wish you didn't hate your name, because I love it, and I love everything else about you. Even the pain in your past. I love you, Jayce. I love who you are. You're amazing, it's just part of you. That's not going to change."

He leans his forehead against mine, smiling, and I gaze up at his brown eyes through my eyelashes. "You're sweet. And amazing. And all the good things." His eyes dart down to my lips, then back up to my eyes.

He brings his lips to mine and there's absolutely no need for this blanket anymore. Heat seems to radiate through every cell of my body as we kiss riverside. I love him.

I swing one of my legs over him and straddle him, never ending our kiss. His hands grab at my hips and ass and I press myself against his front, feverishly trying to get closer.

He breaks our kiss to growl with needy eyes, "The last time we were in this position, you told me that nothing could change the fact that I wanted you, but you didn't want me. Guess that means I can call you a liar, huh?" He asks with a confident, teasing smirk.

"Shut up," I laugh and return my lips to his, remembering that moment of bravery atop the winery roof.

Jayce tangles his hand in the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling me back down to him.

There's that heat again.

I roll my hips against him and he lets out a deep grunt, the sound vibrating through me and making me want to hear more.

He grabs my ass, then moves to my hips, roughly gripping them with both hands as he guides our movement. I reach down and tug at the hem of his shirt, taking it off of him in haste, getting more and more worked up with every passing second.

I push his shoulders back so he's laying on the blanket. I continue grinding against him as I run my hands over his muscular chest and abdomen, both of our breathing labored. He grabs at my hips and looks down at our gyrating hips, his lips parting in pleasure.

I give him a cheeky half-smile and lift my sweater above my head, taking the tube top with it and continuing to grind. Jayce sucks in a breath.

"You're so fucking hot," he praises, his eyes slowly moving up from my hips, over my breasts and to my face.

I lean over and give him a quick peck on his lips, then move myself down. I bite the top of his sweatpants and slowly begin pulling them down.

"God, I want you so bad," he growls, grabbing at my hair.

"So take me," I whisper, sitting up and flicking the top button of my jeans open, taking them off painstakingly slowly.

Jayce watches my every movement with his desire-filled brown eyes.

I straddle him again, both of us in only our underwear. He stares up at me, moving a piece of hair behind my ear.

I lean down and whisper, "Make me yours, Jayce," in his ear, pressing my bare skin against his and rolling my hips again.

His grip on my waist tightens and I sit up to see the struggle in his eyes.

"I really want to," he says with a hitched voice. "Fuck, do I want to. More than I have ever wanted anyone."

"Do something about it, then," I hear a hint of whine sneak into my sentence.

To my disdain, he shakes his head with a sweet smile. "Remember when I told you that story about Aimee? When she asked about the animal noises?"

I nod.

"I haven't been with anyone since then," he says, sounding a bit nervous.

"How could I forget," I sigh, sitting up and folding my arms across my chest.

"I decided the next woman I'd sleep with would be who I marry," his speech is slow, like he's expecting me to blow up at him.

Um, okay. Knife in the heart.

"And you can't see yourself marrying me, is that it?" I spit, feeling more exposed than when I'm fully naked.

"No no no," he waves his hands and corrects quickly, sitting up. "That's not it at all. I just... I don't want to have sex until I'm married, Fallon."

"God, you sound like a pastor's kid," I huff, wishing I hadn't been so desperate.

"It's not a spiritual thing," he chuckles. "I wouldn't want Aimee to have a long string of lovers and throw herself at handfuls of men. I'd want her to be respected, loved, cherished. I'd want her to be able to trust who she was with, and I realized that I was acting the exact opposite way of what I hoped for her. I wanted to set a better example. So, I am. That's why, as much as you make it really fucking hard, literally, I can't sleep with you."

I heave a sigh. That's pretty amazing. But also annoying, especially right now.

"Besides, a relationship is supposed to be about more than just sex, right?" He asks, taking my hand in his.

"I guess," I breathe, rolling my eyes.

He's right, of course. After all, how many women can say that if they stopped having sex, their guy would stay with them? I guess I should be happy. I just wish he hadn't picked this year to suddenly become Mr. Morals.

"I love you," he says in a low, sweet voice, kissing my forehead and grabbing one of my ass cheeks with one hand and a boob with the other.

"I love you too," I reply earnestly, pressing myself against him.

"Let's get you to bed," he winks, a little smirk on his mouth. "You've had a long weekend."

~~~

So. Now we know!

Fallon still loves Jayce... but do you??

And how about that little bit of background on our queen mother supreme goddess Celeste?

Hit the ⭐️ !

Love you ❤️

Read onnnn.