Full Moon

"He is not in today.", Lola informed me the moment I stepped into the office.

I stopped short for a moment. Emir Aslan taking a day off from work.

Did the sun rise in the east today?

"Is he alive?", I asked her. " He never misses work. In all the time I have been here, he has been here every single day and also on holidays."

"It's Eid-al-fitr. It is the only holiday he takes during the year.",she said pushing her chair back from the desk.

Oh! I had completely forgotten. I had had a hand-delivered invitation from Jamal for a feast at his mansion. I was so getting old.

I wiped an imaginary tear away.

"Oh, by the way Lola! I need a date for a party. You up for tonight?"

"I never decline invitations from pretty ladies.", she winked and went to fetch me a cup of coffee.

____________

The celebrations of Eid was a huge affair at Jamal's garden house. He was an excellent host known for his Gatsby-esque parties. Celebrities, politicians, business magnates, kings, princesses and socialites from all over the world flocked to his parties. His parties were effortlessly fun, had the best fine dining experience and breathtaking views of the city's skyline. The invitation list however was exclusively selected by Jamal. His hospitality was legendary.

I always prided myself for playing hostess with him. He was a little reserved, yes but I could lighten the atmosphere and make it easy. I had always had that talent.

It was always an eclectic mix of business and pleasure. The occasional long-legged ballet dancer from the Bolshoi Company in Russia or some famous soprano from Japan that he had liked would fly in. There would always be an avant garde artist or an art collector Or a world-renowned designer at his parties. He was a patron of the arts.

Of course most of it was strategic planning. People coveted conversations and vied for power at these parties. Socialites acted catty, people made deals but the wine flowed, the mood was hedonistic and people generally enjoyed themselves.

The best conversations occurred here. People came from all walls of life. They shared their values and beliefs.

But most of all, all these people shared a sense of power and responsibility and passionate patrons of charity. That was the only thing Jamal needed us to do. To give back as heartily as we took. He himself was committed to many causes close to his heart and I planned to do something with him very soon.

So, he was the most famous frat boy in the world in short.

Prince Jamal was the heart in every girl's eye in the room.

But, his heart belonged to none. He kept it sheltered privately under the deepest armour. He was a prince, a businessman, a philanthropist, a champion equestrian, a marvellous actor who played his roles effortlessly. But, I suspected he was very rarely himself.

Even ten years of knowing him, he revealed himself through tiny cracks of the aura that he had created.

My mentor was not a man I claimed to know.

We rarely shared mint and chocolate ice cream over his latest fling.

Lola and I went inside arm in arm and drew the eyes of the entire room. Lola looked spectacular in her purple off-the-shoulder dress with bouffant sleeves and an elegant string of pearls.

I was wearing a dapper tweed three-piece tux in beige with a pocketwatch and moccasins. My hair was coiffed into Betty Davis style and my lips were slashed with red lipstick.

I was definitely out of place at the party in a sea of gowns and elegant dresses.

I didn't mind. Standing out was the sole purpose of my life.

Jamal was in the middle of a conversation with some gentlemen but he broke off mid-speech. A smile broke out on his face and the lines around his eyes deepened.

He excused himself and came over.

"Sana!", he said kissing my forehead in a rare gesture of affection. " You look as exquisite as always and you made quite the effect with your entrance."

There was wry laughter in his tone as people stared open-mouthed at the spectacle we were making.

"And who is this stunning lady accompanying you?", he asked pointing to Lola. I swear she blushed beet red at his compliment.

"Now, now, Jamal. No hitting on my date tonight. You can hit on her tomorrow. This is Lola Mendoza, Head of Operations. She works at Aslan-Lemaire."

Lola stared at me with her eyes wide.

"She is too kind,Your Highness. I am just a secretary.", she said.

Jamal looked from her to me. " At least she respects me. You very conveniently don't call me your Highness.", he concluded dryly.

" Oh, nonsense!", I said waving her explanations off. "She is the only thing saving my sanity at the company and the only one I can whine to. My boss is a tyrant. You have subjected me to a tyrant, you bast- I mean your Highness."

Both of them gave me wide-eyed stares.

"Don't tell me he is behind me.", I said, teasing.

"I am behind you and I heard that.", said Satan's voice from the depths of hell.

Oh, fuck!

"What a delight it is always to see you, Miss Bianchi! You brighten up my day. You were saying I am a tyrant, yes?", Emir said stepping into our circle.

I swear he got the biggest power trip calling me Miss Bianchi. Why did such things always happen to me?

I wanted to dig a ditch and bury myself in it when I saw his impassive face.

Jamal didn't even try to hide his choked laughter. All the blood had drained away from Lola's face.

"You know what they say about eavesdropping.", I said flicking my hair back. It hit him straight in the face.

Jamal let out a disbelieving laugh. Even Lola was struggling not to crack up.

"I must say your opinion means little to me.", he answered.

"Of course. You don't care at all. I think, I can smell something burning. Can you ?", I asked both of them. They sagely shook their head.

" I suggest you call on an ENT at your earliest. Your nose is malfunctioning.", he fought back.

"Thank you for your information. It was entirely useless but you like to hear yourself talk."

"Kids", Jamal tutted in an annoying fatherly tone. " Do not fight over pesky things or you will be grounded"

I pouted. Emir cracked a tiny smile.

"Welcome old friend.", Jamal said and engulfed him in a one armed man-hug and then shook his hand warmly.

"I trust that my protege is making your life a living hell.", he said pleasantly.

"To say the least.", Emir muttered.

"Everyone loves me so much.", I declared wiping an imaginary tear with my middle finger from my eye. " Goodness!"

After that conversation, we enjoyed a fulfilling feast of such exotic dishes that I would have broken all of my teeth trying to spell them.

The food was good but the company was excellent.

His Highness didn't touch a drop of wine but let the guests drink generously.

We exchanged gifts with each other and finally at around 11 o'clock at night.

I gave Jamal a 'Top Ten Ways to Grow Old Meaningfully' handbook for which he glared at me for one full minute. He would have burnt me alive with that glare. Thankfully, I was used to it.

Jamal retaliated by giving me anti-wrinkle cream. Lola was close to getting a cardiac arrest from all the laughter.

I left them to flirt in the drawing room and stepped outside for a moment to take a deep breath.

The moon was shining brightly, lighting up the inky sky. It was at times like this that I missed him the most, with a physical pain in my blood. I wondered what he was doing. I wondered if he was missing me too.

I tipped my head up to the sky and murmured my prayers to the stars.

"Beautiful",came Emir's voice as he stepped onto the balcony.

"Yes, the moon is beautiful tonight.", I agreed.

He didn't look at me immediately.

"We used to watch the moon as kids. It was a tradition, me, anne(mother) and baba(father). We didn't eat before seeing the moon. It's all lost now. My family is lost. All my family is dead. Eid is a reminder of all I have lost."

"Emir...", I was at a loss for words. He spoke with so much pain. I didn't know how to heal an open wound that the moon had cut open. Who knew that something so beautiful could cut so deep?

"I am sorry about your parents", I said squeezing his hands tightly.

"It's not just my parents, I have lost.", he said, tears running down his face. Time stood still on that terrace.

"Do you remember the lilies and the roses at the office?", he asked me softly, with his head down.

" I do. It's a god damned garden at the office. "

My heart was racing. What other tragedy had this man faced? Why had he stopped creating? I was so so close to unveiling his mystery and yet I didn't want to know. Suddenly, I wanted to run from more pain, from more devastating heartbreaks.

"I had a Rose. A beautiful, red Rose. She was my greatest blessing. But, she was taken from me too early. She was nipped from her bud before she could bloom. My little Rosie, my darling, beautiful girl.", he smiled through the sheen of tears.

My breath got lost in my throat.

"And my Lilian. Love of my life, light of my sky. I still remember the day I met her. The sound stopped, the air thinned, the world stood still.", he stopped speaking for a moment. "She was life itself. La Vie. She was my storm and anchor. We met the E'cole. She was a freshman, I was her senior. It was love at first sight. People say that it's not real, but it was for us. I saw her that first day- a mass of black curls cascading down her back, flowing wildly in the wind. She wore a nosestud. It was so chic. I didn't know any girl at the time who wore nose studs. I fell head over heels. No one knew who I was. Not my real identity as the heir to Aslan-Lemaire. I had been relatively shielded from the paparazzi in Istanbul. It was the city of love. I fell in love."

He stopped, as if he didn't have the physical strength to continue.

"She was pregnant with Rose within a year. We were the luckiest people on the planet. When I heard my baby's heartbeat, I could feel God smiling on us. We were going to be married in the chapel with our parents' blessing. It was a beautiful morning. I was waiting at the altar, waiting for her to turn up in her white dress, round and glowing, her swollen feet in sandals. It was to be the happiest day of my life. But, she never turned up and when I saw her, her white dress was soaked in red. One mangled hand was peeking out of the wreck with our engagement ring on it. There had been an accident."

Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly. I was crying too. Crying for him.

"Our little Rose didn't make it. Lilian...she....she went into coma. She has been unresponsive....in a vegetative state for the past three years. She.....is in an upstate facility. She didn't make it.....Sana. My little girl.....didn't make it."

He kept whispering that into my shoulder over and over. His body shook with the force of his cries. But, he was silent.

I didn't know what to say. There were no words of comfort for him. Saba Bianchi, the most eloquent speaker in the room had nothing to offer.

I only wondered, Where was God? Was he listening? Watching?

To lose a child and then his wife. How could he create when he was being destroyed?

"It kills me.", he said in a haunted voice. " That she is gone and I am not. I wanted to die with them. There is no reason for life when they aren't here. Do you think a fall from this balcony will kill me?"

"No, it would kill me before it would kill you." It would kill me because in unexplainable and unexpected ways, this man had become something important to me and it would damage me irrevocably to lose him.

I pressed my finger to his lips silencing him.

"Grief is the price we pay for love, Emir. They would have wanted you to live, to be happy. The people we love never leave us. Don't you dare say such things.", I cried.

" I have lost too many people. I will not lose you, Emir Aslan.", I shouted.

He cried even harder.

"I will not fucking lose you, you get me?", I said hitting his shoulder.

"My son was in an accident. For the past three months he has been unresponsive. The love of my life, Ethan, is in Afghanistan, in the middle of a war zone. I am still walking, Emir. I will keep walking, even....even if they don't make it because that's what they want me to do. They love me and love is not selfish. My son would want me to give up. He knows that I am not just his mom, I am mother to thousands of orphaned children and young women who need my help. He knows that I have a purpose greater than being his mother. Your Lilian and Rose know this too. We don't lead ordinary lives. We have responsibilities, duties. We cannot give up. You. ARE. NOT. ALLOWED. TO. GIVE. UP!", I ordered him.

"I can't.", he said. " I can't do this alone."

My suit was wet with tears. I could find an anchor to hold him to me.

"I will be here.", I promised. " I will be here when it gets hard. I will be here when you are down. I will hold you."

"Don't let me fall.", he begged.

" I promise, I won't."

He lifted his head from my shoulder.

I held his face in my hands and pressed his forehead to mine.

"You will grieve forever. The pain will fade, it will be a dull ache but the ache will never be gone. It will be a reminder that you have loved. You will heal but you will always have those broken pieces in you. Loss will change you and you will be stronger for it."

"No heart goes unbroken in this life. No heart can claim to be a stranger to pain. No shoe walks cleaning through the swamp of life. A life cleanly lived is a life not lived at all. Don't let grief destroy, let it create you anew. Build and rebuild in the memory of your love. Make them immortal and one day when you have finished walking your path, I promise you, you can rest in that garden of wildflowers, with your eyes closed and your head in Lilian's lap with your little Rose playing around the meadow."