Who am I? (21)

I remained on that floor in my room, with my arms tightly across my knees, staring at the bed in front of me, until that vision became covered by my own tears.

I sunk my eyes between my legs, but the tears continued to fall.

When I was alone, I had to deal with myself.

When I was alone, I had to fight with my own demons, and I was never ready.

Bella's words came back to me:

>

Wrong...

How could an emotion so strong, so overwhelming, so unattainable be wrong?

After all, isn't that all we seek? A thrill, a look, a touch, that makes us feel good, that makes us feel something...

And I felt that with Bella.

When I am with her I feel a warmth inside of me that I have never felt before.

But my heart is aching...

I slowly got up from the floor and reached the bathroom, washing my face with a copious amount of water.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and starting to fantasize about myself.

Who am I? Who am I not? And who I wanna be?

I thought I was a simple 23-year-old girl with one certainty: my wedding with Joe, the boy I had been together with for six years.

What am I now?

A cheater? A bad person?

I couldn't give myself peace.

Why is this happening?

Am I attracted to girls now?

I had too many questions and a very few answers.

I took my phone back in hand before realizing that I hadn't dared touch it all afternoon.

My hands were shaking.

Joe had sent me a bunch of photos of his trip and a text:

>

He meant the situation he created by leaving with his best friend during our pre-wedding trip.

If I hadn't taken a step back during the phone call we had, we would never made up the situation... because he was like that... He waits for others to clear up his mess.

But why was I the only one of the couple that always ended up feeling guilty, wrong, inadequate at the the end of the day?

Fear crossed my back.

I desperately needed to talk to someone.

Not with him.

My mind was unable to control so many thoughts, and I felt that my secret was too big to carry on my shoulders.

So I had to call the one right person, once again, my best friend, Delilah.

I wiped away the tears, sat on the edge of the tub... but my finger still didn't have the courage to start that call.

How could I confess her everything?

Hold on... Delilah would never judge me... she knew me so well... she has been with me in my darkest times.

I trust her, she is my best friend.

In that moment I decided to call her, right away.

> She laughed through the phone.

> She called me again since I wasn't talking.

> I sighed. > I said wiping my eyes.

>

I took a deep breath:

>

>

Delilah understood right away that there was something deeper going on than a simple call between two friends.

> My voice was shaking nervously.

> I whispered.

Delilah murmured something indecipherable.

I still hadn't the courage to speak.

I looked down and let out a deep sigh before talking again.

> I said those words all in one breath as if I still had to realize it.

Delilah laughed: > She was nervous, but breathed a sigh of relief.

I found the courage to clarify the situation....

>

I took a deep breath, again:

>

>

There was a strange silence for too many seconds.

Oh, yeah... I am a total disappointment in everyone's eyes.

Even for my best friend.

I was definitely a bad person.

My thoughts were catastrophic again.

> Delilah asked in such a calm way.

I jumped from where I was sitting and became to walk nervously.

> I asked her terrified.

But my friend was not kidding at all.

I turned red with embarrassment.

>

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown but...

I laughed.

A liberating laughter that started with me and ended with her.

Delilah interrupted me, still laughing:

>

There was something serious behind her insistence.

I sighed, looking up at the ceiling above me, tracing invisible waves with my finger... imagining it was Bella's hair.

I don't know what was going on through my mind.

> I answered her question.

I swallowed, pondering my own words:

> I confessed.

> She spoke with confidence.

I shook my head and laughed nervously:

> I said desperately.

> She affirmed.

~

Taking a bath in the tub I told Delilah everything that happened.

Like... everything.

All the intense feeling and emotions I had felt with Bella, and also the scary moments I was having now that I was alone.

I was feeling like a little girl telling her a story.

Delilah laughed: >

Then she sighed dreamily: >

> She asked me after a while.

I blushed: >

Delilah giggled amused: >

> I pointed out.

>

I can't believe I did actually said that.

Delilah was giggling delighted through the phone now.

I was blushing: >

Delilah answer my question:

>

I tilted my head, looking at the ceiling, thoughtfully:

>

I start to become nervous again.

I was unable to say what I really wanted to say because... I was too afraid to realize it.

> Delilah called me in a serious way.

>

>

>

She was definitely right... I let my feelings guide me, not my thoughts, which I never did.

I took a deep breath:

> I whispered, lowering my gaze.

> She affirmed more seriously than ever.

> Her voice became furious.

I sighed bitterly: >

I was lying to myself.

Delilah laughed nervously though the phone: >

> She asked me.

I did not answer her questions.

I did not have the courage to confront reality, not yet at least.

Sometimes I have to keep my feelings to myself, because it's easier this way.

Sometimes I even hide them from myself.

>

I smiled: >

Delilah giggled: >

We both laughed.

> She yelled.

>

I promised her.

>

I smiled.

>

There she goes again...

> I laughed.

I was left alone again.

I took some foam that had formed around my body and blew it gracefully.

What really makes me happy?

I had one certain answer: I had no intention of burying that emotion I felt whenever my eyes met Bella's... when I listen to her voice.... when my hand touches hers.