Doubts and worries (26)

We were still on the terrace of the resort,

the sun was breaking through the sky.

It was going to be a very sunny day.

Bella rested her arms on the wall and turned to me playfully: "I wonder if they serve breakfast this earlier..."

I burst into a laugh: "Is this your way of telling me you're hungry?"

She raised an eyebrow.

It was a really attractive habit of hers.

She winked at me, crossing her arms "You read my mind, Ellie..."

I smiled, offering her my hand: "Fine, let's risk it..."

We left the terrace and went to the hall where breakfast was served.

It was so early that we were the only ones besides the waiters.

Bella and I picked up two plates and started to walk through the buffet.

I stared to all that food but... I didn't feel like it.

"I just need my coffee..." I urgently asked her.

Bella looked in my direction with a cryptic, thoughtful look:

"Sure. Just take this in the meantime..." She said as she put breakfast on my empty plate.

This seemed strange to me... that was an undeniably sweet gesture I wasn't used to.

Then I remembered all the times when, with Joe, I had forced myself to follow a diet I didn't ask for.

Or even depriving myself of certain things.

Joe cares about his body almost obsessively, so he always follows a certain diet.

And because I had neither the desire nor certainly the patience to see his judgmental gaze towards me... I tended to be okay with that kind of food.

God... I did realized all these things now that Joe was not with me and I was free to do whatever I wanted...

"Not hungry?" Bella interrupted my stream of consciousness.

"Not really..."

Thinking about that thing had certainly not helped me.

Bella nodded slowly: "What's bothering you?" She asked worriedly.

I started to pondering a little too much, but I didn't have the courage to speak yet.

"Nothing... let's just eat..." I tried to change the subject, hoping she would follow me.

I did lowered my tormented eyes to my plate but I can still feel her gaze on me.

"Please, tell me..." She insisted.

"Bella..."

She let go of what was in her hand and turned her attention to me: "I can see you are worried about something..."

I sighed: "It's not about you... It's just-"

I cut myself off.

"I just don't want to ruin this moment..." My voice was shaking.

"This is not ruining anything, Ellie... maybe we need to talk about it, whatever it is..." She said.

Just the way she talks to me, makes me feel safe.

I nodded slowly as I took a deep breath.

"How..." I stopped.

No. I can't stop right now, I need to ask her one of my concerns.

Plus... I don't want her to feel wrong about anything.

"How are you coping with all of this... with him?" I whispered.

I hate myself for just mentioning her... boyfriend.

"If you are worried about that..."

She swallowed, but recomposed herself almost immediately.

"I am willing to pretend this is not happening when I talk to him... I am already doing that, Ellie." She affirmed confidently.

I nodded in her direction:

"Me too... and that's somehow easier than I expected, but..."

I stopped myself again.

"But?" She encouraged me to speak out.

I could feel my breathing getting more and more nervous... just thinking about him makes me feel that way.

But now I was with Bella... and I knew she would listen to me any way, so I need to speak.

"... Sometimes before I do certain things... I find myself thinking about how he will react..." I whispered.

There was no need for me to say his name.

Bella's eyes more tense and emotional interested now.

She swallowed and clenched her jaw nervously, but I could sense she didn't want to show it.

"And... that doesn't make any sense now, because he is not there. You are here, and I'm very happy you are here... I'm so sorry." I finally let my words out.

"Okey, breath..." Bella said.

Just hearing her soothing voice makes me calm down a little.

"I'm sorry." I repeated again.

"First of all stop saying you're sorry, Ellie, nothing is wrong with you."

She affirmed seriously.

Bella waited for me to speak, but I just nodded slowly.

She looked into my eyes as she began to spoke:

"You need to take a moment to remember who you are outside of... that. There are parts of yourself that need to belong to you, not to someone else. Always." She affirmed.

She understands me.

"I know that and truly... I've been trying to improve this in these past years." My voice involuntary cracked again.

Bella tilted her head in an understanding way:

"You don't have to fix this overnight, Ellie, you are doing enough. This is already a good step."

Her reassuring words makes my heart jumps.

The way she makes me feel makes my heart jumps.

My eyes got wet by now: "Thank you, Bella. I mean it."

"It's not that much..." She smiled, blushing.

"Well, for me it is and..." I smiled spontaneously.

She smiled too.

"Bella... you give me an advice, which was more than that because... no one has ever spoken to me with this confidence and caring. I'm glad you are here with me. I'm glad I have find you."

Nothing matters in the world right now except my endless hope that she could believe my words.

"Oh, Ellie..." She took my hand and squeeze it gently.

Her eyes are so candid.

"When I talk to you my day gets a lot better. You should know that." She affirmed as she smiled warmly.

I blushed suddenly.

Bella looked at my plate, then looked at me pensively:

"Would you try to eat?"

I slowly nodded in her direction.

The way she made me smile the whole time we were sitting at that table having breakfast made me feel the weight of eating less heavier.

She is like a light in the dark.

We finished breakfast and went out.

In the hallway, I took her hand and squeeze it.

I was feeling an incredible sense of happiness to be able to spend that day with her.

I smiled brightly as I spoke: "So, what are we going to do now? We can Vincent for the boat or..."

Bella was strangely too quiet.

And that was not like her.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, turning in her direction.

She suddenly stopped from walking.

Her feet were firmly planted on the ground as she urgently squeezed my hand.

"Ellie, I really need to ask you something." She said.

Her tone of voice strangely uneasy.

"Sure... tell me." My heart suddenly rushed.

Bella swallowed again as if she couldn't find the right words.

She looked straight into my eyes, her gaze was still tormented:

"When you and I are together... when you and I talk..."

She stopped.

"When we... kiss..."

She sighed.

"Do you think about him?"

Those words came out of her lips with aversion and concern and her voice was so steady I almost got a chill.

I widened my eyes in confusion:

"What? No. No." I shook my head.

"How do you come up with such a thing?"

Bella didn't spoke but I could tell from her troubled, petrified look that her doubt had crept up on her when I had expressed my concerns to her.

"Is this because of what I said about him...?"

It's obvious. There was no need to wait for her answer because I needed to speak right away.

"Well, not in that case. Never, ever in that case or in any case involving you. There is no way. Do you understand?"

Never heard my voice speak this seriously and firmly.

Another time I wishes she would believe me again.

I can feel her breath slowly go back to normal.

Her eyes more softer and serene now.

"Totally." She whispered.

She believes me.

I took a step towards her.

I swallowed.

"You are not remotely comparable to anyone." I affirmed and that was the truth.

Her cheeks turned rosy as she smiled warmly.

I caught my breath again.

"I definitely didn't want to worry you or create any doubts..." I continued.

Bella moved a few steps closer to me, her hand firmly on my waist:

"That's the way it should be actually, I'd like to talk to you about everything, doubts and worries too."

Her other hand reached mine as she squeezed it firmly:

"Ellie, you can talk to me about everything, whenever you are ready."

She seemed referring to something else now.

And I know exactly that is about my... "breakfast-problem."

It truly terrifies me how she understands me.

Even when I don't speak.

In fact, I didn't say anything.

I just stood there helplessly.

With a lump around my throat.

Bella understood that as she was leaving sweetly caresses on my back and on my hair.

I approached her body as I slowly embraced her, hiding my tired face on her shoulder.

I pressed my body against hers.

She kept rubbing my back.

Then she began to kiss my neck, soft, gentle kisses, then her lips approached my cheek.

I felt her trembling sigh cross part of my face until it reached my lips.

My body was shaking, I stared at her lips and red hair.

I don't want to wait another minute or I might start to cry.

I just need her in this moment.

We sank into that warm kiss full of reassurance and comfort.

Again.

And again.

There's no need to say anything now.

As our gestures spoke louder than any words.

I had her good taste between my lips and her scent in my hands.

My fingers stroked her long, soft hair, then went down and clutched the back of her red top.

Bella smiled, holding her arms behind my back:

"Let's go back to our Fourth of July..."

I broke out in a smile: "Couldn't agree more..."

She gave me another kiss as she spoke with a self satisfied smile:

"We need to celebrate it properly, and I know exactly where to start..."

She raised an eyebrow.

I adore it when she does that.

A/N

I hope you liked this chapter through the characters own problems and fragilities... To which I will obviously return.

Get ready for a beautiful 4th of July...

🫠🫢♥️