"Know it's for the better." (44)

Bella took a careful step closer.

"What are you really afraid to lose, Ellie?"

She asked me, her voice low and intense, trying to understand what was beneath the surface.

"Everything..." I whispered.

"I'm terrified of hurting everyone... of losing everything..."

My voice trembled.

"What's to lose?! With that asshole?"

She shot back.

There's a sarcastic laugh in her frustrated tone.

I closed my eyes, passing a nervous hand over my forehead.

"Bella, it's useless to blame others..."

"He is useless. And dumb."

Her voice sharpened again.

"He is so fucking selfish and arrogant and I can go on and on– and I will."

A knot formed in my stomach.

"Let's not start this..."

"I wasn't even planning on finishing it either."

She stated with a playful yet sharp tone.

I fought back my conflicting emotions.

"You know that I carefully avoided talking about him... and it was better off this way..."

"Why? Because you know that I'm right."

"Because I didn't want to hurt you."

I confessed.

"Everything I saw was enough for me. He lied to you from the beginning, trying to manipulate you and not supporting you in any decision. Did I forget something? I did probably."

The anger bubbled within her.

"Am I this clueless...?"

That was a question more to myself than to her.

"Definitely not."

She answered me.

"It's just more comfortable and easier this way."

She sais with a trace of frustration.

Her statement pierced through my defenses, forcing me to confront something I had been too afraid to face.

"That's probably what I deserve."

Bella did not hesitated a second.

"You deserve better, Ellie. If he understood your true worth, he wouldn't do this to you."

She took a step closer.

"I'm just asking you to do something if you care for me..."

I let out a faint, pained sigh.

"You don't know how much I care for you, that's why I'm doing this..."

I almost cried.

Her eyes flickered as she placed a hand on her chest.

"You don't have to do this. Don't fight it, Ellie. Don't hold it back. Please."

I could feel we both struggling between holding on and letting go.

"Every action I make... will lead to someone suffering or being disappointed. Have you thought about it? Because this thought hants me..."

My throat tightened.

"Yeah– I know that. I guess this is life, this is what you have to do if want to risk something!"

I could feel the sweat inside my palms as my heart raced.

Bella laughed nervously, accompanied by a painful frown.

"This is fun because..." She paused.

"I never heard you say that you love him. Do you?"

The harshness was evident in the rigid set of her jaw.

I cleared my throat, unconsciously trying to mask my nervousness.

"Answer."

"If I don't... doesn't mean that... words are difficult to say sometimes..."

I brusted into a cold sweat.

"Yeah—I guess actions speak louder than words."

Sarcasm in her voice.

"I'm–" I shook my head in distress.

"I'm just facing the reality, Bella. It takes everything in me to admit it."

"That's a bullshit–" She shot back.

"You're just afraid, Ellie. You're afraid of your own emotions, probably because you've never experience anything like this."

Her voice was both rough and emotional.

"When you have this big lump around your throat... everything is scaring you."

I admitted, lowering my gaze.

Bella's eyes trembled with a new emerging, truth.

"That means that you are also afraid of me..."

I didn't speak.

My eyes stayed fixed on the ground, as if the answers might be hidden there, avoiding her gaze I knew was on me.

"Can you look at me? Look into my eyes." She pleased me.

I raised my gaze.

"I will never desert you."

The intensity of her voice held a promise.

I lowered my gaze, once again.

If I had looked into her eyes one second more, I wouldn't have been able to control myself anymore.

And my longing had to remain unspoken.

"Know it's for the better."

I whispered.

Know it's for the better.

Know it's for the better.

Leaving is hard.

But staying will destroying you.

"So this is it... that's how it ends?"

Her voice trembled lightly as she still couldn't believe it.

I have to hold on, although it's getting harder to breath.

"I wish I could take away all of the pain. My heart is aching for you right now..."

I placed my hand on my heart and I felt its heaviness.

"I guess it's too late. I'm fighting, but I'm learning this isn't enough!"

She was pissed off now, no longer able to struggle with it.

"I know exactly what this feels like..."

She took a slow step back.

Not only an emotional distance but a physical one as well.

"Was it me? Was everything not enough?"

Her confusion and disappointment is clear now.

"Bella... you brought me back to life. You made me feel things I didn't think I could ever feel. I will always hold on to that."

The sincerity of my feelings was like a fragile truth.

"Is this what you really want...? Holding on to the memories? While marrying a person who doesn't understand you?"

This feels like a stab in my stomach.

And it hurts.

"That doesn't make me feel good... please..."

My voice was a gentle plea.

I wasn't ready to confront what she's been telling me.

"Am I bad? Because, looks like I'm the only one who is doing the dirty work here. Looks like you don't want to make the hard decisions."

Her jaw sharpened again.

"You might not believe it, because you are hurt, and I don't blame you, but... I'm doing the right thing."

"FUCK THE RIGHT THING! I don't fucking care about the right thing!"

She exclaimed..

"I'm willing to give up everything to be with you, Ellie, please..."

"You have no idea what you're asking for, Bella. I'm so sorry... but I won't let you."

That's exactly why I have to let her go.

I'm not worth all the sacrifices and the shit she will go through.

"I have a serious problem with people telling me what I can't do."

Again, her challenging tone.

She smirked lightly, though the hurt was evident beneath that gesture.

"So... did you have fun?"

"Oh... no... please."

I pleaded as I was starting to realize what was about to happen.

"I've got a news for you: our secret-summer-thing may have brought you some comfort for a while... but if you don't let the pain out, it will suffocate you."

Her voice heavy with frustration.

My throat tightened as the silence between us is getting harder to fill.

"Please, don't talk about what we had like that..."

I was serious now.

She  hesitated for a moment, hearing for the first time the deep intensity in my tone, then a light pierced her heavy eyes.

"What we... had... you're right."

She muttered, swallowing hard.

The guilt bubbling within me.

"Did I give you what he can't give you?"

Her voice is so emotionless now, a distant tone, devoid of the warmth she once held.

"Bella... you gave me something else."

I whispered in despair.

I don't know for how long our hearts can bear this before bursting.

"What? A temporary joy? That you will probably regret, someday. Or maybe not."

Her voice never sounded like this before-strained and harsh.

"I'm just feeling drained right now..."

I whispered, feeling lost as I tried to understand if what was being said was the truth or not.

Her eyes were glossy now.

She took another step back.

"You know what I was thinking? I started it, but you finished it and now... I feel like everything has been taken away from me."

Her tone shifted to wistfulness and upset.

I feel the same, because losing Her feels like losing everything.

But I didn't tell her.

"I NEVER, ever, wanted to end... like this... believe me, please..."

I feel like she was struggling to believe me at this point.

And I don't know if I can cope with this feeling.

"How long has this been going on without me knowing?"

She urged.

I sighed deeply.

"I feel like... you no longer understand what you're saying , Bella... I need you to stop, please..."

I urged her.

"This is my way of fucking coping. And 'stop'? That sounds way too easy for me." She bit her lips.

"And you still haven't answered me." She swallowed hard.

I shook my head.

"Everything that happened with you has been nothing but spontaneous and true. Have I not shown you?"

She smiled.

But that was definitely not a relieved smile, it felt tormented.

"Yet you still have the audacity not to call me and you an "us" after everything we've been through... I'm starting to believe all this has just been in... MY mind."

"It was desired by BOTH, from the beginning..."

I corrected her.

Silence.

Her eyes looked into mine with a sense of vulnerability and a last trace of hope.

"Do you really want this, or are you being forced to?"

This felt like the last ultimatum.

In that instant I took all the energy I had in my body.

I have to do it for her own good.

"I want to."

I affirmed, trying hard to sound confident.

That was a lie.

I knew I'd gone too far. That was the point, sort of.

I just know I'm not good enough to deserve her.

She hid her grimace of pain as she nervously passed a hand over her red hair.

"Damn... good for you, Ellie. I'm sorry, but I can't shut my feelings as easyly as you."

Another punch in my stomach as I could no longer control one of my thoughts.

"Do you really think this is easy for me? You think it's amusing? I mean, this is costing me everything!"

She arched a eyebrow.

"What cost? Not even the effort. You're just throwing it away."

Her voice was cold as the ice.

I clung to the sheets and squeezed them tightly, keeping myself together.

"If I could, I would rewind everything from the beginning, just to live it and feel it one more time..."

I uttered one of my longing.

She paused, her eyes flickering with deep, contrasting emotions.

But I can feel that anger had taken over.

"Is that so?! Everything? Or just the part when you unzip my dress and leave me afterwards?"

Her eyes shifted coldly to the bed.

Her words cut the air and my mind.

I slowly let go of the sheets, feeling a stab right directly in my heart.

"You don't really think something like that..."

I whispered, still in disbelief.

My eyes filled with tears.

She paused, she looked right into my eyes and a tremor running through herself.

"What if I do...?"

She uttered harshly, a slight hint of fright in her voice.

Her eyes were glistening.

For the first time I didn't understand if that was a challenging question to provoke me or if she really meant to say that.

Her eyes were no longer looking at me.

"That would be the final blow..."

I said.

Bella suddenly stiffened, slightly bit her lip and blinked back her feelings.

She said nothing, but her throat felt tight.

She turned around and grabbed first her dress and her shoes.

"Bella..."

My voice barely audible from fear and disappointment.

"There's nothing more to say. You made your choice."

She whispered. No more harsh in her voice just a deep emptiness.

"I had no choice."

I let it slip but I didn't regret saying it.

"There's always a choice. You made one."

She still wasn't looking at me when she said that.

Her voice had lowered.

Bella walked toward the door, each step feeling heavier than the last.

Her hand grasped the handle uncertainly, as she did, she took a ragged breath, trying to steady herself.

I could see it in the way her shoulders tensed and rose through my shirt.

She opened the door.

Please, don't go.

Don't go.

Don't go where I cannot see you.

But I didn't spoke.

She left the room.

The door closed behind her.

Red tulips mean deep love, passion, and romance.

They can also convey "believe me" or "my feelings are true."

That's what I found on the internet when I searched for their meaning.

A/N

They ARE SUFFERING MORE THAN JESUS CHRIST! 💔💔🥲

ANGST has taken over now...

Ps: I'm having doubts whether to write a "Bella's POV" let me know if you want it.