Sunrise Malice: Chapter 20

I stand in front of the full-length mirror in the huge walk-in closet and stare at myself wearing just a bra and underwear.

Bruises mottle my skin. Most of them are faded yellow; the rest will be gone in a few days. Eventually, all the evidence of what my father was doing to me will be gone, at least the scars on my body. Skin can heal, but my memories won’t disappear, not the same way.

Worthless. Useless. Selfish.

Last night was a mistake. I never should’ve let Julien see me like this and now I’m so angry and embarrassed I could cry. I was emotional and desperate and looking for a distraction, and Julien’s the perfect way to lose myself for a little while.

But that’s always been the problem.

Instead of confronting my issues, I run away from them. I pretend like they’re not happening—like with my dad—or I push them out of mind—like with Cormac.

Marrying Julien is supposed to be about getting my autonomy back.

About taking control of my life for once.

But last night, I didn’t feel in control. I felt myself slipping back into bad habits, and I can’t do that, not ever again. It’s not fair to me, and it wouldn’t be fair to Julien.

Worse than all that, Kim’s in the hospital because of my poor choices, and I owe it to her to process them and to do better, not to let my gorgeous, god-like husband get me off just so I don’t have to face my pain anymore.

No more. Never again. My marriage is a business arrangement, and I won’t use him as a crutch. That’s not right, not for him and not for me.

I’m going to do better, starting today.

“You know, breaking your pelvis isn’t so bad.” Kim looks at me through heavy-lidded eyes, a happy smile on her face. “I barely even remember getting hit by the car.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s the Fentanyl talking.”

She laughs and waves me away. “No, can’t be.” She gestures down at herself. Half her body’s in a cast. “I mean, look at this beautiful outfit I’m wearing.”

“You look gorgeous.” I lean forward and brush hair from her face. Kim grins at me stupidly and turns her chin so she can kiss my fingers.

“Thank you, darling, I feel beautiful.”

Yep, my best friend is high as fuck.

And I’m grateful for that. Really, I am, and I know she’s got a long process ahead of her. I cornered the doctor and even though she wasn’t supposed to tell me anything since I’m not family, one of Julien’s men was lurking nearby and I guess the guard was sufficiently intimidating enough that the doc starts giving me the rundown.

Kim will need to stay in bed until her body heals. Then she’ll need constant physical therapy if she ever wants to walk normally again. There’s a strong chance she’ll be in a lot of pain during all this, which means opioids to make it manageable, which means addiction is a serious worry. Best-case scenario, she never gets hooked on the pills, consistently goes to therapy, and one day is able to hobble around with a walking aid like crutches or a cane.

I’m not sure how much she knows yet. I’m guessing the doctor talked to her, but she’s too drugged up to really understand what her future’s going to be like. It’s taking all my strength not to break down into tears at the thought of my beautiful, bubbly best friend unable to walk and in constant pain.

All I know is, I’m going to be here for her. No matter what, every single day, for as long as it takes, I’m going to be here.

And Julien’s going to pay for it all.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Kim says in a moment of lucidity. Her drugs are wearing off and she’s starting to get a little uncomfortable, but she doesn’t complain.

“I’m thinking I should get the nurse in here to give you some more of that happy stuff.”

Kim smiles and grabs my hand before I can stand up. “It’s not your fault.”

“Stop it.” I can’t look at her. “We don’t have to do this.”

“You didn’t make those guys hit me with their car.” She frowns, and I can tell she’s trying to remember what happened. “I knew the risks coming over. I should’ve been paying more attention when I was crossing the street.”

“Kim, they were trying to kill me,” I whisper, heart breaking into pieces. “That’s the only reason they were there.”

“Maybe, or maybe they were trying to kill your husband instead.”

“That doesn’t really make it any better.”

“It’s not your fault.” She squeezes my hand. “I mean it. You don’t have to get all self-deprecating on me, okay? You didn’t do it. You didn’t run me over, and you didn’t make it happen. It’s not your fault.”

“Okay,” I manage to choke out through my tears. I’m not going to argue with her, even though no part of me thinks she’s right.

“Good.” She releases me with a grimace. “Now, sit your butt back down.”

“Seriously, why don’t I get a nurse? I think you’re due for more painkillers.”

“In a little while. This is the clearest I’ve been since I woke up from surgery.” She leans closer toward me, a sly smile on her face. “How are things with your gorgeous husband? I hope you two aren’t fighting on my account.”

“Kind of the opposite, actually.” I sink into my chair with a groan. “We did stuff in the hot tub.”

“You did what?” She practically shrieks and tries to sit up, but lies back with a pained groan. When I try to get the nurse, she shakes me off. “No, wait, I want to hear about this stuff first. Please, Brianne, have mercy on me.”

“You know I’ll basically do whatever you want right now, right?”

“And I am not above using that power for evil. Spill the details, please.”

I give her the sanitized version of events. Well, mostly sanitized—I don’t know how I could possibly clean it up all the way. When I’m done, Kim’s grinning like a crazy person.

“I knew you were into him.”

“I still don’t get where this approval is coming from.”

“You’re married to the guy, right? You’ve been through so much, I just feel like you should at least have a little fun.”

“I can’t,” I tell her, shaking my head. “The first time was a mistake. I don’t even like the guy.”

“You don’t need to like him to bang him. Might even be better if you hate him a little bit.”

“You’re twisted, you realize that?”

“It’s just my nature, girl.”

“I mean it though. What happened last night was a one-time thing. It was a dumb, emotional decision, and I’m not going to put us both through that stupidity ever again.”

She gives me a flat stare and shakes her head. “There is seriously something wrong with you.”

“What?” I sit back, a little hurt. I thought I was being really mature, but she’s acting like I just threatened to stab her in the guts. “Explain how I’m in the wrong here.”

“You basically have a free pass with Mr. French Dick and you’re doing everything in your power to avoid using it. That’s like sacrilege. What’s it like, by the way?”

I’m a little thrown and exasperated by that, and I don’t want to ask, but I ask anyway. “What’s what like?”

“The French Dick. Big? Thick? No, wait, let me guess. He curves to the left?”

“He’s big,” I say, cheeks burning. “Really big. But who cares? It’s just not happening.”

“I care! I wish I could have some big dick right about now!”

The nurse chooses that exact moment to come into the room. She’s an older woman in her sixties with streaks of gray in her hair and tired eyes. I stare at her, my mouth hanging open, and even Kim has the grace to look mortified.

But the nurse only bustles around and gives Kim her next dose. Before she leaves though, she pauses at the foot of the bed and writes something in the chart. “I could use some big dick too, you know,” she says with a wistful sigh.

Kim and I laugh really, really hard for a while after that.

The drugs kick in pretty fast. Kim goes loopy and forgets all about our conversation, which is a blessing in disguise. I’m glad she’s not in pain anymore and I don’t have to talk about last night, but I hate how glassy she seems, like she’s in there but buried underneath the opioids.

I wish I could give her better news. A part of me is so sick and twisted that I’m tempted to fuck Julien just so I can tell Kim all about it. I mean, she’d love that, right? And I sort of owe her on account of the shattered pelvis.

But I’m not going to sleep with my husband just because I feel guilty about my injured friend.

Julien’s off limits, hard stop.