16. Ode to Madeline: Satanic RPG

Ode to Madeline: Satanic RPG

Hello,

No.1 Birthday Planner here.

I am standing inside Asha’s bunny-themed bedroom right now, planning to kill this brat in her sleep! So when Madeline, my archnemesis, finds her kid dismantled into a thousand pieces of flesh, she will be DEVASTATED! YES! YES! I am SOOOOO SMART!

But sometimes, plans don’t work out.

“Hey!” The brat waved her controller in my gorgeous demonic face. “Didn’t you hear me, bad guy?! Get out!”

“SHUT—” I stopped midway. Shit! Madeline might wake up! To complete this dangerous mission, I gotta be sleek and sneaky! Like Jamie Bond!

“Shush, hush, child,” I whispered. “I’m good now! I’m one of the good guys! I ain’t no Big, Bad Wolf!”

“Then get out!” She replied.

“Your Mommy sent me to check on you, though!” I dropped to the floor into a Buddhist meditation pose. Why, you ask? Because small kids don’t like tall guys, and you gotta get on their level.

“No! Mom would never! You’re bad!” She said in an EXCRUCIATINGLY ANNOYING-ASS voice.

BUT! To kill Asha, I MUST be SLEEK!

“Noooo… I’m good now, Asha! That’s your name, right? It’s a good name! Uhhh… Very… Very stylish!”

“Ummm… Okay… But get out! I don’t want you in my room!” She huffed and puffed, and I am THIS CLOSE to turning her into a GODDAMN PUFFERFISH!

“Ughhh… Like mother, like daughter…” I mumbled. Like, why is DNA even an inheritable thing?

“Mister, why are your teeth so big?” She asked out of the blue.

TO CHEW YOUR BRATTY ASS, OF COURSE! No. No. Calm down, me! I must be SMOOTH!

“Because I have a huge appetite!” I said. It’s true! I do!

“Why are your… uh… ears so big?” She asked again.

“Asha, dear! These are my big, beautiful horns! Stylish, Gucci x Balenciaga collab, custom-made horns! It hella rocks!” I said proudly.

“But… Why do you… Look like a skeleton?” She pointed at my beautiful, chiseled facial structure.

“Now you’re just racist,” I said. You know what? I’m better off shredding this kid right here and right now. Talking to kids is TORTURE!

But then, from the corner of my eyes, I saw a TV screen lit up from behind the brat. And, boy, oh boy, it’s a video game!

“Haha! I see you are playing games in secret! Oh, and what’s the time? 1:05 AM! Hehehehe… Looks like Madeline raised a brat!” I almost shouted in joy, but managed to stifle my joyful voice in time. Ugh. I HATE whispering.

It was so satisfying to see this shitty kid’s eyes widen in shock, her mouth trembling in absolute horror!

“Nononono! Please don’t tell Mom, please! I swear I don’t do this often! My friend just played the game, and they let me borrow it to play! I usually sleep very early!” She spoke rapidly, begging me not to tell! YES! I got her! Hmmmm… Now what’s next?

“Nah, I won’t tell Madeline,” I could feel my mouth cracking into a handsomely manipulative smile. “But on one condition! Lemme use this hand drill on yo—”

“I’ll let you play my game if you don’t tell Mommy!” She clasped her hands together, begging desperately.

Nuh-uh, brat, I want to CLEAVE you in half! I don’t want to play games! I mean, I DO play games… BUT! Only when I’m free! And Soulslike RPG is my favourite! This brat probably plays with Animal Crossing or some shit.

But… It couldn’t hurt to see…

“Fine! Fine. But this doesn’t mean nothing, brat! I WILL tell your MOM! And she’ll SMACK YOUR ASS!” I said.

“That’s fine! Check this out!” She strolled to the TV screen.

“Alright, what is it—”

Oh, my god.

This can’t be true.

IT CAN’T BE!

Asha’s playing HELLDEN RING! HOW? WHY? It’s my ALL-TIME FAVOURITE RPG SOULSLIKE Game of The Year! NO FUCKING WAY! But that logo, that HUD, that item… It IS Hellden Ring!

“How can your eyes even stretch that big? Anyway, have you played this before?” She asked.

“Of course! It’s my favourite! You know… In the community, I’m something of a PRO myself! I know ALL the cheats and exploits! I beat the Hellden Beast… with THIRTY different builds! I also know where you should go to grind the most runes! Speaking of, where you at right now?” I instinctively grabbed a controller. Luckily, Asha had two.

“I don’t know,” she flopped down next to me. “I just played for an hour, and there’s this scary yellow horse guy! And the enemies look so scary, too! Then, I tried mashing the buttons, but I just died! I explored a bit, and now I’m here! The sky looks kinda red…”

“Oh, shit,” I said, recognizing the landscape. “You’re stuck in Rot Valley.”

“Really? But I was just in this grassland! Like Lime Grave or something?”

“Nah, kid. You screwed up! Did you get transported through a trap portal?”

“Maybe…”

“Of course, you did!” I pointed at the screen. “See this cave? That’s where you came out of. Remember?”

“Yeah! I remember!” She bopped up and down excitedly.

“Classic noob move. Wait, lemme check your build.”

The inventory screen flashed in my face, blinding me to the sight of a hellish, harrowing scene! OH GREAT SCOTT! Asha is playing a DEX build! YUCK! EW! Disgusting! She has an ugly dripless Samurai chestplate on, plus a shitty Katana! UGGGHHHHH!!!

“Noooooooo! Why are you playing a Samurai class, brat? It’s the SHITTIEST class! Dex is freaking terrible!”

“Huh?” She turned her head to the screen. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Lemme show you.”

So, the following is Asha’s stat:

Level: 20

Runes Held: 0

Vigor: 5

Mind: 4

Endurance: 3

Strength: 1

Dexterity: 14

Intelligence: 4

Faith: 5

Arcane: 3

HP: 156/200

FP: 22/22

Stamina: 69

“Asha, because your starting class is ass, you MUST put your points in Vigor. Otherwise, as noob as you are, you will DIE over and over in Rot Valley! And your Strength level, ugh, it’s so tiny I bet you can’t use ANY other weapon! And it seems you put ALL your runes in Dex! Big mistake, kid! Dex is a noob trap! It only helps you in the early game!”

“But I can bleed enemies! See?” She pointed to her weapon’s bleed buildup status.

“Yes, yes, you’re right. The Katana has passive bleed buildup, and bleed IS pretty broken in this game. HOWEVER, you level Arcane to get higher bleed buildup! Not Dex! And there are way better Arcane-scaling weapons than the goddamn, shitty Dex-scaling Katana!”

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

“Huh. Thank you, Mr. Bad Guy!”

“Oh, oh! Another thing. You NEED spells! Spells are SO STRONG, and lucky for you, Rot Valley has a sub-area called “Bellio, Town of Magic.” There’s an NPC here that sells you spells if you do his quest! Personally, I LOVE a good Faith/Int Build! Lemme tell you, Asha, throwing shit at enemies has never been MORE FUN!”

“Haaaaa… Yes… I’m kinda tired…”

“Oh, OH! ALSO! Dark Flame is SOOOOO broken! You DEFINITELY need it in your build! It attacks health by percentages! It ignores enemies’ defense and just depletes their health percentages! It’s awesome! And it looks so fucking cool! Oh, wait. You need runes. Lucky for you! I know a spot! It’s right next to Fort Barrock, and there’s a dragon…”

A soft sound of snoring emerged next to me. And if my genius intellect guessed it correctly, Asha’s out cold on her bunny-themed bed. Damn. This happens way too often. Why do people ALWAYS fall asleep when I tell them about my favourite game?! It’s so unfair!

Wait a minute. I felt like I forgot something…

What was it?

Something, something, killing?

Hmmmmmmm…

Nah.

If I forgot it, then it wasn’t important.

Asha’s build is so ass right now, so I need to grind a little. New mission: Get OP build in Hellden Ring! I will turn Asha’s shitty loadout into the STRONGEST BUILD ever conceived!

6 HOURS LATER

Haaaaa… I’m so fucking tired. BUT! The OP build is FINISHED!

Check it out!

Level: 100

Runes Held: 23049

Vigor: 60

Mind: 45

Endurance: 46

Strength: 10

Dexterity: 14

Intelligence: 60

Faith: 60

Arcane: 3

HP: 2104/2104

FP: 607/607

Stamina: 506

More Faith! More Intelligence! More SPELLS! And in my main weapon slot, I have the Casting Seal of the Abyssal Serpent! This thing boosts ANY fire spell! My spells include Dark Flame, Blue Flame, Ice Flame, Fire Spiral, Fire Serpent Coil, and EVERY SINGLE buff spell, which makes my spells EVEN STRONGER! Stacked together, these guys can ONE-SHOT any boss!

HAHAHAHA! I’m a PRO GAMER!

Asha’s still snoring away… but when she sees this, she’s gonna get her socks all knocked off!

Wait… Why am I here again?

Wasn’t I supposed to do something?

Hmmmmm…

Wasn’t I supposed to kill Asha?

To take revenge against Madeline?

Ah, shit.

FUCK!

Let’s kill her right now, then!

Yeah!

I checked the clock behind me, and it was 7:00 AM. Fuck. It’s morning now. Madeline’s up, probably. SHIT! FUCK! MOTHERFUCKER! I’m absolutely COOKED if she finds me killing Asha now! I have to wait again. And again. And again. But until WHEN? I want to play games! I want to plan birthdays! I don’t want to do this shit! I don’t want to get BURNED TO DEATH! The worst part is: I CAN’T EVEN DIE! I’M FUCKING IMMORTAL!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!

CURSE YOU, MADELINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

☆☆☆

This cigarette tastes pretty good.

It’s, like, early morning, I think? The sun’s just hiding behind that mountain, waiting to show everybody its ugly-ass face. I’m glad I don’t have to stare at it, ‘cuz it’s so ugly. The air is pretty chilly, but since when could I feel stuff? I don’t even have skins!

I hate Madeline. Nothing will change that. BUT! And this is a huge “but.” I can’t deny that she has good taste in scenery. The balcony from her house gives me this awesome view of the ocean. Its dark blue surface shimmers with white blade-like slashes like some samurai’s handiwork. And there’s the hideous sun, its reflection glistening with a yellow-orange gradient, blending strokes of warm colour into the cool palette of ocean blue.

It looks alright, I guess.

The bitter taste of the cigarette burned in my tongue. I used to like it, but now it reminds me of Madeline burning my ass. However, you can always savour the woody, sickly sweet flavour if you smoke for longer. Man, how do humans even die from smoking this stuff? It feels so good when the smoke comes out of my eye holes! Humans are so weak!

Or maybe that’s ‘cuz I don’t have lungs.

“Huffffffff… Haaaaaaaa…” I blew the cancer candy once more until it was ash.

“Looks like someone’s enjoying the view.”

“WHO?!”

I whirled around at SONIC SPEED, ready to PUNCH the lights out of whoever DARES to sneak up on ME, the absolutely awesome, all-mighty BIRTHDAY PLANNER!

But it’s just Madeline.

Evil, despicable, and merciless Madeline.

“I didn’t know you smoke,” she put her hands on the balcony railing and stood next to me.

“Heh. How would you know? You were busy torturing me,” I threw the cigarette in my right pocket. God, if Madeline has a no-smoking rule, I’m doomed.

“Should I add a no-smoking rule?” She asked, smiling.

“NO! PLEASE! I’m SO SORRY! I WON’T DO IT AGAIN! PLEASEEEEEEE. I NEEEEEEEEEEED IT!” I said gentlemanly.

“Shut up. Gimme one,” she asked again, still smiling, eyes half-closed.

“I’m sorry, what?” I said. “You want lung cancer?”

“Life’s a bitch,” she replied. “Gimme one.”

I handed her one since I didn’t want some Divine Flame up my ass, especially when it’s so early in the morning. She puffed the cigarette, then blew out some smoke rings. The rings increased in size as she repeatedly exhaled. Woah. I didn’t know she could smoke that good.

“What are you looking at, demon?” She glanced my way. “Never seen a woman smoke? Or a woman in general?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I suppose you are some sort of smoke connoisseur, then. Who taught you?”

“Brad,” she said, inhaling the smoke up her nose.

“Huh. Well… If I know anything about you puny humans, it’s that you guys die easily from smoking. You might wanna keep your hobby in check, Madeline.”

“Awww…” She said in an excruciatingly annoying voice. “Are you, perhaps, worried for my health~?”

“Heck no! I HATE you!” I stated loud and clear. She can burn me as many times as she wants, but she will never burn my PASSION!

“Makes two of us,” she turned the other way.

The horizon seemed a bit brighter now, with Mr. Nasty Sun rising to his throne on the skyline peak. Madeline was staring at something else, though. I’m not sure what. But it gave me the chance to observe this human better.

Madeline is hella weird. She’s in her twenties, but her blonde hair’s long faded. One of the first things I noticed about her was her golden blond hair. But can hair change that quickly in just twelve years? Heh. Of course, it can! Ha! What a loser! How can she be so sad about losing her parents? I don’t even have any, and I turned out splendidly! Hahahahaha! Look at that! Her hair is faded, and what’s left can be only described as light-brown. She is a mere dreg of what was once an ocean.

For the record, I DO NOT regret killing her shitty family! She deserves it! Hahahahaha!

Heh.

Then there’s her insufferable green eyes. It’s UGLY! I HATE IT! Every time she decided to torture me, I would see those foul eyes digging into me! It’s weird! And her eyes are so bright that I swear I saw them glowing in the dark!

She seems tired, though, from the moment she walked up next to me. Huge purplish-dark bags hang heavy under her eyes; she looked more raccoon than human. Well, I’m tired, too! Tired of dealing with her shit.

Those bags also kinda look like tear stains…

“Mr. BP, lemme ask you something,” she interrupted my observing session, like the mean, evil human that she is.

“What? Make it quick.”

“What does it take to kill you?” She asked.

“You can’t. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

“Hmm… Then isn’t that utterly unfair? You took something dear to me. I have the right to take something from you, too,” she smiled, but I don’t think that was a genuine one.

“Yeah. Try. I don’t have shit—I mean ‘stuff’—stuff to give you,” I replied, pounding my chest defiantly!

“Your voice sounds tired, Mr. BP. Here. Let me give you a deal.”

“Aw, heck nah. You’re about to TRICK me again!”

“Nope. No more contract. A favor, instead.”

“What’s this ‘favor’ you’re asking?” I asked, puzzled. What’s she got this time?

“I ask you to be courteous. To obey me. We are linked by the Blood Contract. And there’s no way you can worm out of this one.”

“Oh, really?” I raised an eyebrow. I have eyebrows, you know?

“If you are loyal to me, Mr. BP, I won’t hurt you. Because your loyalty to me will make me happy. Now, why don’t we shake on it? An alliance, perhaps?” She gave me her hand.

“Hmpth! Nah! I know better! You will beat my ass over and over!” I yelled. It’s the truth!

“Only if you’re bad. I won’t be your friend. I don’t think I ever will. But, we can be partners. Deal?” She asked, right hand stretched out to mine.

Alright, hear me out. I’m getting hungry, and since I’m staying with this villainous woman, I’mma need some sustenance. I won’t lose dignity, ‘cuz I don’t have any in the first place! Hahahahahaha! Free housing and free food in this economy?! Yessir! And I just have to PRETEND to listen to Madeline! Easy! I can always betray her later! Muahahahahaha! Man, I’m a goddamn genius!

“Lady Madeline,” I swooped down in a high-class noble kneeling pose. “It is my greatest honour in life to make your acquaintance. I sincerely hope that my allegiance to your rule will foster great success in the future we make.”

“Wow. Presentation matters to you a lot, huh?” She took my hand in hers. YES!

“Yes, it does, my lady.”

“My name is Madeline Balcom. The honour’s all mine,” she closed her eyes and smiled.

“I am afraid I don’t have a human name, Lady Madeline. But you may call me the best Birthday Planner alive!”

Man, manipulation is as easy as playing video games!

☆☆☆