20. Ode to Madeline: Even Demons Must Pay Rent

Ode to Madeline: Even Demons Must Pay Rent

They just chose a new Pope, and I wish I cared more, but all I could see in front of me were bills, loans, and taxes. Being unemployed is, surprisingly, quite hard.

The craziness of the last few days had distracted me from reality. Although I came close to being registered in a mental asylum, I couldn’t deny the fun I had, teaching Mr. BP a well-deserved lesson for messing with me. I ought to thank the Grimmoire. Without it, I would’ve been a corpse. I wonder if I should visit that bookstore again? I haven’t cast any magic yet, so perhaps it’s time to hit the tomes. Surely the wizards of old have written something down… Right?

Anyway, buying books requires money, and to get money, I require a job. Welfare can only get you so far. I need to get employed A.S.A.P.!

“Lady M-Madeline, nom,” Mr. BP chomped on a piece of beef. “Nom, nom. I… Nom… Can’t deny that your… Nom… Cooking… Nom… Is phenomenal! Nom…”

“Thank you, Mr. BP,” I munched on some beef. It tasted more bitter than I would’ve liked. Man, I gotta stop overcooking everything.

“Nom… Your fried rice… Nom… Are also… Nom… Killer!” He made quick work of the leftover rice.

“Mom! Mom! Look!” Asha shouted, rice sputtering from her mouth. “He looks like a chipmunk!”

I wiped her mouth and sighed. “Mr. BP, please don’t make a bad example.”

“WHAAATT? I was only savouring my FOOD!” He said, spitting out rice.

I sighed and yawned—a double combo.

“Mr. BP, haven’t you stayed here long enough?” I glared at him.

“Uhhh… No? I’ve only been here for two days.” He stared at me like he had a calendar.

“You will pay rent, Mr. BP!” I kept my glare on him, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen. “And I’m NOT gonna go cheap on you!”

I wrote down a reasonable amount and handed it to him. He fell over in shock. “THREE GRAND??!!!”

“Yes, $3000 per month, including home-cooked meals—courtesy of Madeline Balcom,” I smirked. “What are you mad for? Most people would kill for food alone!”

“Aw, heck nah! Madeline, I’m BROKE! I ain’t got nothing to pay you!” He claimed. “Also, I’m your PRISONER, not your RENTER!”

“From this moment on, you are my renter,” I said. “Go find a job, bum.”

“Hypocrite…” He muttered.

While Mr. BP cleaned the dishes, sniffling and sobbing, sparks of fire crackling on his body, I turned on the news, hoping to learn something about the Costco accident or missing people in Kitsilano. But nothing came up. Hmmm… It’s only been a day or two, but I haven’t received any call from the Bureau. I wonder if Laura and Luke have recovered?

When Mr. BP fought the agents, I tried yelling “unhappy” countless times. But it didn’t affect him. I need to stop being so gullible. I trusted the Grimmoire, but it told me the flame’s range of effect would be infinite, which turned out to be a complete lie. Mr. BP can only be burned when I yell the command within 300 meters of his vicinity. God, this is awful. I’m basically his babysitter.

But I made that choice, didn’t I?

It was 9:00 PM, so I went to Asha’s room to signal bedtime. The door was shut, but the lock was busted. I nudged the door open, reminding myself to fix that lock. Inside, Asha was engrossed in another session of games. It’s not that I have a problem with games. I used to play a lot myself. The problem is that Asha’s playing when she should be in bed. Also, I don’t remember buying her games or controllers. Where did she get them? How did she manage to plug them into the old TV? That thing barely worked when we moved in.

“Oh? Look at that,” I said, marching into her room. “What have we here?”

“MOM!” She jolted and rushed to click the off button. “Hi, Mom! H-how do you do? Hehehe…”

“What time is it, Asha?” I asked.

“I-it’s… Umm… Just past nine!” She smiled, her hands fiddling with a controller behind her back.

“Where did you get that controller?” I pointed at her hands.

“W-what are you talking about? I don’t have ANY controller! Haha…” She tucked it into her sweater.

I swooped down and caught her in one pounce. I shook her gently, and to the surprise of no one, the controller plopped to the ground.

“How did that get there? Haha…” She grinned.

“Asha… Be honest. You know Mommy doesn’t like liars,” I said, staring at her eyes.

“I… Uhhh… My friend… He let me borrow it…” She glanced the other way. “I’m sorry…”

“I’ll give you a punishment, Asha, for not going to sleep on time. From now on, you will help Mr. BP wash dishes for every meal. Understood?” I sat her down on the bed and tugged her in.

“Okay…” She frowned, sulking while hugging her Super Bunny Man doll.

“But I’ll let you keep the game. After all, you seemed to enjoy it.” I kissed her on both cheeks. “Have you brushed your teeth?”

“Yeah…” She answered, turning over and closing her eyes.

“Good. Remember to return the game when your friend asks, or when you beat the final boss, or when you complete every achievement. Good night, sweetie…”

“Good night…”

I gently caressed her bruised neck. I’ve consistently applied ice to it, but only time will heal. My heart still ached when my fingers felt her wound, but I’ve learned to swallow it. And accept it. I just need to do better.

“Oh… Sorry… One more thing… Mrs. D wants to see you, Mom,” Asha said. “Haaaaaa… She wants to see you, I think…”

“Oh? She should’ve called me, then,” I puzzled. “Does she not have my number?”

“I don’t know. She wants to meet you at school tomorrow. Haaaaa… Can I go to sleep, Mom?”

“Rest now, love,” I replied, turning off the light.

Mrs. Denise, or Mrs. D, is Asha’s homeroom teacher. She’s usually pretty strict, but she does have a soft side, like when she helps Asha with Math. I wonder what she has to say. Gosh, what should I wear to the meeting?

☆☆☆

Ah, this ceiling is the ceiling-est ceiling I’ve ever seen, and believe me, I’ve seen plenty of ceilings in my ceiling-seeing life.

Hell’s ceiling was molten lava. Heaven’s ceiling was just an ugly sky. And from my room, the ceiling was brown and dark with weird lines running across that you typically see in wood.

Madeline gave me the attic room. It was dark and dusty when I moved in. Now, it’s just dark. Why? Because a professional like me has standards! I like my space dark and moody! But it must also be spectacularly clean!

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Also, also! I got the candles and balloons and goat decorations and piping bags and premium birthday cake ingredients ALL READY! Asha’s birthday will look glorious! Heh. Madeline thought she could nerf my birthday planning skills when she said I could not cook a single human, but really, she just made me MORE CREATIVE! Muehehehehe… I’ll show her I can create a WHOLESOME, COZY, WARM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, too! She’s gonna get her socks knocked the hell off when she sees my Michelin-Star no-human-flesh birthday cake!

But I’m broke again. The bank let me take out a loan, and I went to buy all that. Now, I’m BEYOND broke. Like, the BROKEST of BROKE!

Shit!

I checked the small clock on the wall. It was stuck at 6:03 AM, and I know damn well it’s NOT 6:03 AM. It’s probably eleven. Oh, wait. I hear something.

Heh. OF COURSE!

The sound of Hellden Ring’s MENU THEME!

Hehehehe… Asha’s playing it SECRETLY! AGAIN! BEHIND HER MOM’S BACK!

Her room is right below mine, and thanks to my supernaturally awesome hearing, I can hear it just fine!

Tell you what, I’m bored as hell. I’ll sneak into Asha’s room… And destress by playing games! BTW, Asha still hasn’t THANKED ME for grinding for her! What a brat!

I discreetly snuck downstairs like a sneaky spider, tip-toeing across the creaky floor, but because I was SOOOOO sneaky, it DID NOT CREAK!

Then I saw Madeline! OH, NO!

I ducked into a corner. Oh, wait… Phew! She’s just sitting on the kitchen table, typing out boring stuff on a boring laptop like the boring person that she is.

Thanks to my super-duper awesome enhanced sight, I can see that she… Is looking for jobs! Aha! So I’m not the ONLY unemployed bum! I was right! Yet she burned me anyway! What the hell did I dooooooo????

That reminds me: I’m fresh out of souls. SHIT! No soul energy means no magic for me! And the EVIL WITCH MADELINE made me pay rent! So, I also need CANADIAN DOLLARS! Damn! They’re worth less than USD thanks to the exchange rate, meaning I HAVE TO PAY MORE! SHIT!

O Canada, our home and native land…

Glorious and NOT FUCKING FREE OF MADELINE!!!!!!

So, I went back to my shadowy chamber with a huff and puff! I’mma need to hit up someone. Digging around my pockets for a bit, I finally found my Nokia 3310. This thing’s indestructible! It’s the only thing that stayed with me after all this time! Get your own Nokia now! (Nokia doesn’t actually sponsor me.)

“Ring, ring, ring…”

Come on, come on! PICK UP, DAMN IT!

“Hello?” A voice rang out. YES!

“Hello, HELLOOOOO!!!! What’s up, my boy? It’s ME, your BEST B-day Planner of the Year!” I proudly said.

“You’ve called the wrong number.”

“Nuh-uh! You are Charon the best damn Ferryman I could’ve ever called!”

“Ex. Ex-Ferryman. I’m retired, BP.”

“Oh, c’mon, old pal! I know you still have that oar sitting in the garage! Collecting dust and awaiting your touch once more!” I smiled, reminiscing about the good ol’ days.

“Alright, shut up. What do you want?” Charon asked.

“Can you please give me a job, please?” I asked very nicely.

“Nope,” he answered not very nicely.

Ever since Charon put away his boat and moved to the Job Centre for Unemployed Demons, a.k.a. the JCUD, he’s been a HUGE jerk! I was so glad when I finally became a Birthday Planner, realizing I don’t have to grovel in front of his office for a job! But things don’t always work out, and now I need a little help.

“Okay, okay, well… Listen… Even if you’re not TECHNICALLY a Ferryman anymore, you still TRANSPORT people to excellent career paths! With that sentiment in mind, how about you set your homie up for a job that pays both in souls and Canadian dollars?” I politely asked. “ ‘Cuz I’m running out of both! Hehehehe…”

“Nah.”

“Charon, my guy. If you weren’t my best friend for SIX HUNDRED SIXTY-SIX MILLION YEARS, I would’ve RIPPED you apart! So, please, please HELP ME OUT, PLEASEEEEEE!!!! I’M DESPERATE, OKAY?” I asked as nicely as I could.

“The job market ain’t as pretty as you think. I got more on my plate than you’ll ever get on yours. Don’t call and beg me. I can’t help ya, bud.”

“I got a GOLD COIN!”

“I call bullshit. Is it real gold?”

“You’re wasting your precious chance, my friend!” I said. “I’s PREMIUM GOOOooOOOooold~”

“Ah, fuck it. I need some beer money. Whatcha need?”

☆☆☆

I finished sending the last resume to an employer. If things go well, I will get an interview soon. I’m confident, but worries still cloud my mind. They might not like college dropouts like me. They might even hate struggling single mothers. Like last time…

Bunch of bastards.

But we can only hope.

“Creak…” The sound of wood echoed through the hall. It reached my ears. Chills climbed on my skin. I zipped to the fridge, grabbed my hidden shotgun, and prepared to shoot the intruder.

But it was just Mr. BP, who was… Umm… Carrying a large shovel.

“H-hello, my lady!” He grinned. “I’m… Just preparing to take a midnight walk!”

“Where’d you get that shovel?” I asked. Because that shovel looks suspiciously like mine…

“Uh… Ummm…” He tapped his foot rhythmically. “I… I was… I took… Alright, fine, you caught me. It’s your shovel. Please don’t kill me.”

“Thief.”

“Please! I’m sorry!” He groveled on the ground, grabbing my leg and begging. “I NEED IT FOR A JOB! PLEASE LET ME HAVE IT!!!!!”

“Stop touching me!” I kicked him away. “And stop yelling. You’ll wake Asha.”

“Yesss… Can I keep the shovel?” He whispered.

“What kind of job?” I whispered back, glaring at him.

“The best one! But I gotta go right now!” He trembled. “I’m twitching in anticipation!”

“Why?”

“Because… I got the GRAVEYARD SHIFT! In a GRAVEYARD! I’m grave-watching!”

“You plan to dig corpses for your sick hobbies, demon?” I said, ready to slap him for his degeneracy.

“Nope! This shovel’s for self-defense!” He puffed out his chest. “And for style points!”

“Your magic’s so powerful, though. Why do you need self-defense?”

He shifted uncomfortably. “Shush, Lady Madeline! Hush, hush! This is a secret, okay? Listen closely!”

I leaned in. “What?”

“I’m OUT of soul energy! I can’t cast anything!”

“Huh. Then that means…” My eyes widened in realization. “You’ll absorb DEAD PEOPLE’S SOULS?!”

“Shush! You’ll wake Asha,” he whispered.

The idea itself is crazy. HE HIMSELF is crazy. I can’t accept this. This is a new low, EVEN for him! But… They’re dead already… We didn’t kill these people. We will only make use of what’s left! Plus… I get to see how he absorbs souls. Can he? Can he really? Is it one way to get stronger?

“Tell me,” I asked. “Can you REALLY absorb souls?”

“Yep! And I’m getting paid in dollars by the graveyard’s owner, too! You won’t need to worry about my rent!”

“Alright, that settles it! We’re going!” I smiled, dashing for the car key.

“Wait… ‘We’?” He stared, confused.

“Yes… I’m coming with you.”

His eyes fell out of their sockets. Ew.

“AW, HECK NAH! I’m a lone wolf! I do things MY way!” He howled.

“Shut up. I’m driving,” I smirked, dangling the car key in front of him.

“Marvelous, my lady. You’re truly glorious and… You know what? Screw this poetic crap! Let’s go!”

The way he can switch up so quick baffles me every time. Nevertheless, I was planning on babysitting him anyway. I’ve risked too much. If he ever gets too far and realizes I can’t reach him, he will cause chaos.

I locked the door, the windows, and the backdoor, making sure nobody would get inside. We rushed to the car and drove under the dark, starry night. Mr. BP started whistling a tune while sharpening the shovel with his claws. I thought about how stupid he was, having claws that could rend flesh easily, yet choosing to smack enemies with a shovel of all things. I didn’t give it a second thought, though. The stars tonight were beautiful. One blink and you’ll miss it. Those sprinkles of white illuminated the skyline, dancing beyond the mountains and the ocean, and waiting for someone to drive by, awestruck by their ethereal charms.

I’ve always wanted to go camping again.