5. Ode to Madeline: Happily Ever After

Ode to Madeline: Happily Ever After

Hello.

Yes.

Yes, I hear you, boss.

Tch.

Alright

I’ll take care of it

Hmm?

…

She’s fine. Just…

A bit of cake sickness

Yeah.

Ummm

(oh shit)

Excuse me for ONE precious little moment, boss!

(Hey, hey, hey!

Brat!

Don’t you fucking dare—)

“So what? You gonna stop me?”

(Put that premium-grade knife away, I do not like the way you’re twirling that in your puny tiny hands, Madeline.)

“Or what? Are you afraid? Of me using it?”

(Madeline, I’ve chewed FAR more salt than you’ve eaten rice. PLEASE do not pierce that pointy tip in your tiny fragile HUMAN HEART!)

“But Jesus endured it, why can’t I?”

THAT WAS A FUCKING CRUCIFIX, DUMBASS—

Oh wait.

OMG.

I am so sorry, Mr. Morningstar. That was not AT ALL directed toward your great competence-omnipotence.

It’s just—

The report?

Yes, the report.

The report is—PUT THAT AWAY— is she’s doing okay! Happy even!

Come here, Madeline, tell the boss how happy you are with my wonderful service (or else)

“When I die, Mr. BP, you will have a bitty-whinsy-little bad mark on your badge. Then, you will know how I felt. Without family. Without customers.”

You wouldn’t dare.

“I would.”

Uh, yes?

Hello?

Yes. Yes.

It is being taken care of.

Emphasis on “care.”

(PUT THAT SHIT AWAY)

“Let’s make a deal. Something you demons love making.”

(What. Do. You. Want. Little. M-a-d-e-l-i-n-e)

“I will tell Mr. Big Boss how much I LOVE your service. And you will take care of my family and turn ‘em back. Deal?”

Tch

Fuck

SHIT

Hey, uh, boss?

Still there?

Yes, yes.

I know.

Time is a-ticking! Hehehehe

I am, uh, doing what?

Yes.

She’s very well-behaved

She does need to COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW… you know?

“But you haven’t agreed”

(Brat, you’re still FULL of shit. DO NOT THINK that waterwork third-class theater act worked on me)

(I don’t care about your CRYING. I don’t care about YOU. I don’t care about MADELINE! I don’t care about nothing else except BIRTH. DAYS!)

Only BIRTHDAYS!

BIRTH-FUCKING-DAYS! Birthday! BIRTHDAYS!

“Oops, you lost your job!”

Hey, HEY! GIVE THAT BAAAAA—

“Hi, Mr. Morningstar! Oh, yes, very nice to meet you. My name is Madeline! I am not at all being held against my will at the hands of the cruel Mr. B-day Planner right now. In fact, I’d like to say loud and clear…”

No. Please

Don’t stare at me when you FUCKING SAY THAT!

“I’d like to cancel my birthday service! It sucked! One out of six hundred sixty-six!”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo….

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“Yes. And please fire him. He is a very not-cool guy. And very mean. Hmm. yes. Uh-huh.”

“Thank you very much! I look forward to good improvement in your service industry!”

Click.

You.

Madeline.

Oh, sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet Madeline.

Come over here real quick.

Let’s chat!

A nice, loooooooooooooong chat

Ohohohohooho…

“What are you gonna do?”

Ohohohohohohohoho. You think you’re sooooooooo clever. Aren’t you?

YOU THINK THAT just because I work as a “mean” B-DAY PLANNER means that as long as you’re NOT in MY SERVICE, you’re safe, right?

RIGHT, Madeline?

“You can’t hurt me anymore! You already...”

“... I’m… not afraid of you!”

Oh, you don’t have to be.

Soon you won’t feel anything

Did you know that the human body is pretty fragile in certain parts?

In fact, if I rip out your collarbone, you probably will feel only a “smidge” of nothing!

Because by then you’d be meeting Big J himself!

Can I ask you to send his autograph to me?

Haha!

Ha.

Madeline

Madeline

Madeline

Oh, Madeline, oh Madeline

I chopped your parents in two

And sliced your sister, too

Cooked ‘em into cuisine

Broiled and boiled live

I poured the salt on ‘em

Holy water on ‘em

Oh, boy, you haven’t seen me

When I’m really at my lowest

Have you?

Dear little Madeline

Oh, she ran out of plan already!

Ooh, check out my right hand!

There is a buzzsaw already!

Just got this from the FLESH STORE!

PERFECT FOR SAWING HUMANSSSS!

“Hmmmpth!”

“Ow… It hurts… Mr. BP…”

“Stop… pretty please?”

Oh, yesssss. YOU. OH MY GOD, YOU CANNOT FEEL WHAT I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW. OH MY GOD, IT IS EXHILARATING. A SPOILED DAMN BRAT SHOULD NOT DESERVE FIVE-STAR SERVICE, SHOULD IT NOT? AND WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

A PERFECT RECIPE!

Oh my god, ARE YOU CRYING AGAIN?

HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.

YOU THINK YOU CAN PLAY WITH MY ONLY JOY IN LIFE LIKE IT’S YOUR DAMN PLAYHOUSE?

JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE YOUNG AND FULL OF HOPE AND LATER IN LIFE YOU’RE PROBABLY GONNA HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY TOO WITH A CHILD WANTING TO CELEBRATE THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY! AND I WILL BE THERE. I SHOULD BE THERE. BECAUSE BIRTHDAYS ARE NOT YOUR OWN AMUSEMENT. THEY ARE MINE. MINE. MINE ALONE.

I WORKED LIKE HELL. LITERALLY. MY WORK IS MY JOY. BIRTHDAYS ARE MY JOY. YOU TOOK THAT JOY. YOU. MADELINE. YOU ARE THE DREGS OF MY ABYSS. I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE PUT THAT MUCH EFFORT INTO YOUR COZY LITTLE PARTY.

So what if birthdays happen only once a year?

FUCK YOU. BIRTHDAYS HAPPEN EVERY DAY FOR EVERYONE. JUST BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAVE PROBABLY WASTED MY CHANCE TO CELEBRATE WITH EVERYONE AROUND THE DAMN EARTH. AND EVERY MINUTE THAT PASSES BY, A BRAT FINISHES BLOWING A CANDLE AND I AM NOT THERE TO PUT THAT CANDLE IN FOR THEM.

DO YOU KNOW YOUR SIN, SWEET MADELINE?

ACTUALLY NO. YOU DON’T HAVE A NAME NO MORE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OOTF TOYOU

HAPPTF BRTIDHAYB DEARN LITLTD SHIT

HAPTIVJVJK BRITHDSHDAY HDYHA TO

YOU.

Shhhhh.

Happy Dead Day.

“I—”

Shhhhhhsss. Pttff. Ptoo.

Corpses don’t speak.

Aw man. You wetted my premium-grade quality birthday suit. Good thing I still got my hat.

“...”

What are you looking at me like that for?

Hmm?

“Murmur…”

Leaning in, Madeline.

“Can I…have some final words?”

You’re choking, Madeline. Oh, no! Who could be doing this? Oh, wait, I am.

“...”

What’s that?

“Lean in.”

Alright. What?

“Thank you… for spending time… with me on my… birthday.”

…

…

…

Geez, brat. You sound like a broken record. Your voice ain’t even sincere.

“I mean it.”

No. FUCK NO! You sound like a bad third-rate ripoff heroine in some drama show that kept spiraling from the plot and now doesn’t even make shit sense anymore!

“I mean it, Mr. BP.”

“Thank you.”

…

Fuck you.

This ain’t fun no more.

I’m going home.

I’m itching for some Lucifer.

Middle finger!

Middle finger!

“...Are you gone forever?”

Nah, go fuck yourself. Corpses don’t speak. I killed you.

From now on, you’re dead.

This way, I won’t have to find your ass in the birthday list again.

“But…”

Fuck. I’m freelance for real now.

Charon’s gonna be so mad at the job centre.

“Is this goodbye?”

Shut up. Give yourself a new name or something.

“What about my family?”

Watch your mouth, cur. I don’t do service for free.

I’ll be taking their souls

But at least they can rest

“I still don’t like you, Mr. BP”

Don’t call me that.

Here.

That’s the number to the orphanage.

They will take care of you.

Or I don’t know.

You can always come to the Flesh Store™

They’re always looking for young blood

HehehehehHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

Heh.

Now fuck off.

Woosh.

Vroom

Boom!

Kapow!

Kabloosh!

Bam.

“And in the Helltruck he went. To this day, I still can’t forgive him for what he did. But I could at least understand him. A bit.”

“Wait! Mom! So you are not “Madeline” no more?”

“No, sweet child. I am your mother, of course!”

“Yeah!”

“Mama!”

“Hmm?”

“I love you! Happy Birthday!”

“Whaaaat? You made me cake?”

“Yes! Chocolate!”

“Awww, thank you!”

She looks happy

I probably shouldn’t interfere

Then don’t

Good idea.

So, uh, Charon,

Yeah?

Got any job for me?

Tch. Well, none at the moment.

Hell’s been piling up, you see.

Oh! Found one!

Yeah?

How do you like…

Just fucking say it.

Wedding planning!

OH HELLLL NO!