: Chapter 19

S4int_d1ck: You be Santa. I’ll be the elf helping empty your sac.

BigDickBritBoy: @Backwardz_Cap @Not_Your_Baby Wanna collab? You both look like hard workers and I have two openings you can fill

Sooo…

I spent the afternoon doing something I never in a million years could have predicted I’d do willingly…

I gave myself an enema.

Okay, before you judge me, just let me explain.

I was on Twitter, checking comments from the fans. Engaging, so on and so forth, per Avi’s request. But then my curiosity won out, and I started checking the accounts of other OnlyFans creators, just to see what they do and what they’re like online. If there are things I could maybe… learn from them. It was like research.

One thing led to another, and the next thing I knew, I’d fallen into a gay rabbit hole on Tumblr. I somehow wound up reading posts by gay dudes—specifically bottoms—who were describing their… regimens, for lack of a better word that makes this seem less bizarre.

I don’t want to admit that reading this stuff made me feel like a total noob… But it did. So I decided to take some mental notes on how to make sure I never embarrass myself in front of Avi. Because he’s my partner.

My business partner, I mean. That’s it.

I’m not doing it for him, I’m doing it for myself. And the Fans.

I snuck off to the drugstore, incognito, with a hat pulled down so low over my face I could barely see as I purchased everything I needed. Then I waited for Guty to leave, and proceeded to spend hours in the bathroom, grooming my… undercarriage, if you will, and giving myself an intentional saline enema.

No, it was not pretty, and no, I don’t wish to discuss the details any further.

Suffice it to say, I’ll be going into my next sexual encounter with my stepbrother prepared. It’s all part of the lifestyle, I guess. And by lifestyle, I mean that of a gay porn content creator.

None of this is stuff I ever envisioned myself doing, but I’m really trying my hardest to dart past the hang-ups and admit that I enjoy working with Avi. I mean, the videos speak for themselves. Sex with him is epically better than any I’ve had before… And while I’m still wrestling with what that means exactly, for my identity, I think getting paid massive amounts of money to have mind-boggling orgasms is enough of a motivator for me to stuff down my inner doubts and insecurities as best I can. For now.

Outside of the business, things with me and Avi are still a little weird, and I’m not sure if they ever won’t be. After all, how do you go through the kinds of things we’ve been experiencing together and not form some type of attachment? He sees a side of me that no one else has ever seen before, and as much as I want to keep hating him, because I feel like I should, I can’t help that the resentment is slowly wearing off.

I’m starting to feel like the attention from the fans is just a bonus… And the real attention I’m craving is from the one person I always told myself I hated.

It’s extremely concerning, for a lot of different reasons, the main one being that this was never supposed to be about me and Avi. It’s supposed to be about money, plain and simple. But the other night, it didn’t dawn on me until I was back in my own dorm, in bed and trying desperately to fall asleep, that we’d been filming the whole thing.

The camera might as well not even have been there.

And that’s a problem. Because I’m not gay, and Avi is my stepbrother. I shouldn’t be doing what I’ve been doing with him in the first place, but the second we lose sight of why we started doing it, this turns into a much bigger problem…

A life-altering one.

I don’t want to think about confronting this stuff. My goal since I was twelve years old has been to stuff it all down. Avoid, distract, deny. That’s how I cope… The only way I’m even surviving the endless inner torment known as my life.

I don’t think I can juggle these two completely different versions of myself…

Are either of them the real me?

Who even am I??

As chaotic as all of these thoughts are, they’re just adding to the stress of my current predicament. I’m packing a bag right now, preparing to go home for the holidays.

Christmas break is supposed to be fun. I’m sure most other students are looking forward to spending the holidays with their families, opening presents, sipping hot cocoa, talking and laughing and being normal.

But not me. I’m filled with mortal dread as I remove clothes from my travel bag and stuff in new ones. We just got back last night from a playoff game in Mississippi, where we defeated Ole Miss twenty-four to seventeen. It was a tight win… Their defense was on us like glue, and we only made it by the skin of our teeth. I refuse to admit that my head was elsewhere, but I was having trouble concentrating just a little.

And now I’m being forced to spend an entire week in that house I worked my ass off to escape from, with my miserable father, my suffering stepmother, and the guy I’ve been having secret gay sex with for money, who also happens to be my stepbrother.

If anyone has a vial of poison they’d like to slip into my coat pocket, now’s the time.

Guty left early this morning for his flight back to Nevada, so I’m just sort of lingering around in the dorm. I still have a few hours to kill before I need to leave…

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, without even knowing why I’m doing it, I open my text messages and type a new one.

Me: Hey… You wanna hang for a few before we go home?

My foot is tapping rapidly on the floor while I chew my lower lip, pretending like I’m not watching the screen out of the corner of my eye for the moment he reads the message.

Five whole minutes pass, and eventually I shake my head, feeling like an idiot as I open the Uber app. But just as I’m about to order it, a text pings.

Avi: Yea, that would be cool.

Avi: Come over. And bring burgers 😉

Rolling my eyes, I stuff my phone away and grab my stuff, heading for the door. The walk to his dorm is less than five minutes, during which I’m pulling the collar of my coat up around my neck to avoid the cold. When I get inside and up to his floor, I let out a breath before knocking. I’m feeling all manners of jittery while I listen to him clomping up to the door.

He whips it open, the elated grin slipping off his face when he sees me.

“Why are you frowning?” I push past Avi into his dorm, and he closes the door behind me. “Expecting someone else?” I cock my eyebrow at him while shrugging out of my coat.

“I asked you to bring burgers, and yet here you are, burger-free.” He sidles around me to the kitchen in his backwards cap and sweatpants, and I force myself not to spend one more second looking at his bare chest.

“I’m not DoorDash, bitch,” I grumble, accepting the cup he’s offering me. “If you want burgers, fucking order them yourself.”

“Always a ray of sunshine.” He smirks sarcastically, and I shrug, taking a drink.

I certainly need it to calm the hectic rapids crashing inside me from the fact that I’m here again.

I think it’s clear that I’m not a go-with-the-flow kind of person. Sometimes I wish I was, but it’s just not me. I haven’t been optimistically easy-going since I was a kid. Everything I do in my life is intricately planned out and crafted to fit the image of myself I’ve created, to ensure I never get caught with my guard down ever again.

Or at least that’s how it was… Until I started engaging in gay liaisons with my stepbrother for money.

And speaking of the money, it’s been huge. We’ve brought in more than double from the last two videos than we made on the previous ones. And I have to admit, being able to see all of the hype surrounding the two of us with my own eyes, in real-time, threw a wrench into my original plan of cutting this thing off the second I had my housing payments.

Giving in to this situation is starting to feel like a new mask for me to wear. When I’m alone with Avi, I’m someone else. I’m playing a part, and whether or not it feels real is irrelevant. This version of Kyran Harbor finds solace in letting go of his control… Just a tiny bit. Just enough to distract him from reality, and the cavernous abyss of darkness inside.

He’s not even Kyran Harbor at all… He’s Not_Your_Baby.

“So, I was thinking…” Avi says, chewing on a red straw in his drink. “We should make my OnlyFans a joint account. People love couple’s accounts. And plus, I’m not really making solo content anymore, anyway.”

I’m listening to him, but my eyes are narrowed in on the straw he’s now biting chunks out of. “Is that a Twizzler in your drink?” He grins wide and nods. “What are you… eight??”

“Are you saying you’re not a fan of my childlike whimsy?” He smirks.

I stare at him for a moment before shaking my head. “You’re an idiot.”

His face slants while he gnaws on that damn Twizzler. “Why are you so tense?”

“I’m not tense…” I lie, feeling stupid for saying it because I’m obviously not doing great, the stress of all the bullshit in my life perched heavily on my shoulders.

“You want me to help you relax…?” His grin widens.

My stomach twists for some reason, and I force myself to appear unaffected by his offer… And not like I’m considering what that would be like just the tiniest bit.

“I’m good,” I huff.

He steps forward, inching closer until I can feel the heat coming off his exposed skin. “But you know I’m good at it…” Reaching out, he slips his finger through one of the belt loops on my jeans, tugging me into him.

I can feel my face flushing, but I stuff it down and shove him away. “Avi, stop fucking around. Let’s just… talk business.”

“But fucking around is our business.” He beams, and I roll my eyes. Surrendering his endless goofiness, he sighs. “Fine, sheesh. For someone who’s been having an abundance of toe-curling orgasms, you’re still awfully uptight.”

He eases around me, sauntering over to the couch and plopping down onto it, while I stand, fluttering in place and trying desperately to push away thoughts of him helping me loosen up.

Clearing my throat, I finish my drink, joining him on the couch. He has his laptop in front of him, and when I check the screen, I see that he has two windows open side-by-side. His OnlyFans and his Twitter.

Pulling up the details of his OF profile, he peeks at me. “So… joint account. Thoughts?”

I nod. “Yea. Fine. Whatever you think is best.”

“I’m not going to change the whole thing, but I’ll modify the description to reflect that we’re mostly just… collaborating. Together.” He gives me a twinkly look that spreads bizarre warmth in my chest.

Shifting from the overwhelming notion of this, I clear my throat and nod again. “’Kay…”

“’Cause I’m not… collaborating with anyone else,” he murmurs, eyes flicking to me in between tapping on his keyboard. “Are you?”

“No…” I whisper. “I don’t even want to be doing this with you… Remember?”

The words feel like acid on my tongue.

Avi’s lashes flutter at my face before he rasps, “Right. How could I forget…”

“I… I think that came out wrong,” I start to backtrack.

But he gives me a grin that looks a little forced and says, “Don’t worry about it. I know what you meant.”

My brow arches. “Do you?”

He shrugs. And now I’m even more confused.

What the hell are we doing?? None of this is making any sense…

When we’re alone together at night, fooling around for the fans, it feels like we’re something else. Two different people. I like the way it feels to be those people. But then I don’t feel like I’m supposed to, and it fucks me all up.

“Here.” His voice cuts into my worrisome thought. “Let’s make a post for the fans. To get them excited about the… merger.”

“Okay…” I blink while he goes back to the computer, typing out a new description. “What kind of post?”

Avi grabs his phone off the table, opens the front-facing camera, and aims it at us. Before I can even process what he’s doing, he slinks his fingers onto my jaw and tugs me to his mouth. I’m sort of startled at first, par for the course when kissing him, because it’s just so different…

I guess in theory it could feel like a girl’s mouth… Warm, with full, soft lips like fluffy pillows. But he’s more dominant than any girl I’ve ever kissed; the way his mouth advances on mine, as if he’s a settler exploring new territory and claiming it for himself.

He also does this thing where he bites my bottom lip, but in a gentle, erotic sort of way, tugging it between his teeth before grazing it with his tongue, then brushing it inside my mouth to tease mine. It hypnotizes me; puts me in a trance, like when you hold a cat by the scruff of its neck.

He’s a really fucking great kisser, but I don’t think I can voice such compliments to him. Instead, I’m just shivering here, under the spell of his mouth while his hand glides down my chest, thumb flicking my nipple through my shirt until I whimper.

I hear the distinct sound of a picture being taken, and it snaps me out of it. My eyes open as he’s pulling back, blinking hooded lids at me.

“See?” he breathes, his voice all gravelly. “The business can still… feel good.”

What does that mean?? I’m so confused…

I don’t think I could speak if I had words to offer up. So I just sit quietly while he assesses the picture of us on the screen.

“Aw, this came out so good,” he sighs, almost flippantly, the way you’d cheer over a great picture of a sunset.

Pursing my lips, and once again ignoring the heat in my face, I check the screen. The picture of us kissing brings on the same tingling thrill I’ve felt while watching our videos. It looks like a picture of two strangers; a couple.

A wave of unease crashes in my gut, mixing up with the excitement to make me sort of dizzy. But Avi is completely unaffected by it, as usual. He’s just playing around on his phone, modifying the picture to blur parts of my face.

Squirming, I manage to conjure up some words as a distraction. “Why don’t you blur your face?”

He glances at me, features going serious. “I’m not really sure…”

“If you had to guess…” I push on.

He purses his lips, thinking for a moment before he shrugs. “I guess I… like the attention. I like them fawning over me, as a person. And I mean, no one knows who I actually am. I don’t use my real name or anything.”

“But if someone who knows you sees it, then they could tell people,” I rumble, spinning through sudden dreadful thoughts. “They could figure out that I’m in the videos with you…”

“I promise you, that won’t happen,” he says confidently.

“How do you know that?” I scoff.

“Just trust me, okay?” He reaches over, sliding his fingers through mine.

“Avi…” My voice creeps from within my throat. “Why are you holding my hand?”

His lips curl into one of those damn cocky smirks. “What’s wrong…? Is it making you uncomfortable?” I scowl and try to rip my hand away from his, but he holds on tighter. Leaning over my face, he whispers, “So, I can slide my cock in and out of your ass, but hand-holding is too intimate for you, Kyran?”

Burning flames of humility rush up my neck from his words, a hard throb happening between my legs. And he’s just chuckling at my clear discomfort, whipping up fury in my muscles.

“Stop fucking with me,” I hiss through clenched teeth, hating how he always does this.

Pisses me off and turns me on at the same time. It’s fucking bullshit.

There’s the annoyance. And here I thought it might have gone…

“But I don’t wanna stop fucking with you.” He breathes more rumbly chuckles over my mouth, hovering until I’m wriggling to get away from him. He finally releases my hand, but instead, slides his over my crotch, where my erection is stiffening up quick. “It’s so much fun.”

“Get off me, Avi…” I shiver at the sensation, wanting to fight against him, for my pride, but also desperately chasing the aching lust I can’t seem to overcome. It’s ridiculous. “I’m not your baby, and I didn’t come here to record content…”

Lies.

“Well, that’s just not true.” He grins on my ear, flicking it with his tongue until I shudder.

But then he quickly backs up, pulling himself off of me, and leaving me lying back on the couch with my pulse pounding between my legs.

Fuck him.

I sit up slowly, head twirling while he grabs his laptop. “I can give you the password to the OF if you want…”

“Not necessary,” I grumble, and he shrugs.

“Fine. But you need to put effort into this too.”

“I am. I made the damn Twitter and retweeted some of your posts. What more do you want from me?”

He gives me the side-eye. “You have to stay on top of it. Respond to people’s comments. Engage. It’s the best way for us to gain new subscribers.”

“Fine.” I roll my eyes stubbornly.

Leaning into his side, I scroll through the comments on our sex video clip he shared. I get the feeling he’s staring at me, but when I peek at him, his eyes are on the screen.

“Oh my God,” I grunt, stopping on one comment from a person with the handle Fister_Jones1002. “Did you see this??”

Avi laughs while I gawk, mortified at the comment, which reads:

Fister_Jones1002: Bottom is stunning. I would wreck that ass. *heart eye emoji*

Scrolling down, I gasp at another extremely perverse one, from DaddyDom6969.

DaddyDom6969: Can I meet you? Spitroast the blonde in half. *winky face*

“Jesus Christ…” I mutter. “Look at this shit.”

Peteypie7421: I wanna give you both a golden *shower emoji*

“What the hell is wrong with this person??” I shake my head, baffled by what I’m reading. There are hundreds of them, and they seem to get crazier the farther down you scroll.

“That’s people on the internet for you.” Avi chuckles.

“It’s fucked. Who just writes stuff like that to strangers??”

He shrugs. “Why are you surprised? It’s how creeps are online. This isn’t news.”

“Yea, well, I guess that’s why I don’t participate,” I huff, to which Avi scoffs and I glare at him.

“Yea right!” He cackles. “You practically live on Instagram. Always posting your little motivational quotes. Hashtag blessed,” he says mockingly, then rolls his eyes. “Please.”

I can’t help how my lips curve into a cunning smirk. “I didn’t know you followed me…”

He frowns. “I don’t. The dumb thing just won’t stop showing me your shit, even though I don’t care.”

“Right.” My grin widens. “Whatever you say, Insta-stalker.”

“Shut up,” he growls.

But now that I know how much this is getting to him, there’s no possible way I could stop.

Turning to face him, I murmur, “Do you even post anything on your account? Or did you make it for the sole purpose of secretly watching everything I do?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not that interesting…” he mumbles, visibly biting the inside of his cheek while he focuses on the laptop screen.

This is immensely satisfying.

“Oh, look,” he changes the subject. “Here’s a Jesus-freak telling us we’re going to burn in Hell for all eternity.” He points at the screen while laughing.

The amusement falls from my face in an instant, and my mouth goes dry.

I’m finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden, but I need to fight it. I can’t let Avi know I’m suffocating inside my skin.

“W-what… would you do about that?” I ask, struggling to sound normal, while I open my shaky hand and stare down at my palm.

Everything’s fine.

You’re here, and you’re okay.

Just focus on Avi’s voice.

It’s echoing a bit as he rambles about blocking the guy. But I latch onto it and pull myself out of the hole I’m falling into. I grab on tight and claw my way back up to the surface.

There’s Highland Ave, I think to myself, following the lines on my palm. I used to ride my bike up and down here with my friends. And, look, it’s that place with the really great Thai food.

Slowly, my heart rate evens out, and my breathing regulates. I peer at Avi, who’s still just laughing about how stupid people on the internet are, with no idea of the mini panic attack I just fought off.

I wonder what he would say if he knew… The truth.

When he notices I’m not laughing with him, his head whips in my direction, irises like deep fog shining at me. “Ky… are you okay?”

“I… I’m fine,” I mumble, urging myself to sound confident.

You sound like an idiot. He’s totally going to know something’s up.

Quick. Change the subject.

“We should really get going.” Standing up fast, I wander away, going for my phone in my bag, in an attempt to distract him from how cagey I’m being out of nowhere.

I’m sure he’s staring at me. I can feel it. But he doesn’t say anything.

He simply closes his laptop and stands up, tugging on a shirt as he chirps, “Okay.”

Ten minutes later, we’re outside, walking up to the main road to meet our Uber driver. I can’t help but peek at Avi while we trudge along, bag slung over his shoulder, wearing his standard ripped black jeans and black boots. His top half is covered by a black puffy coat, with a hot pink beanie resting atop his main of shaggy hair.

We seriously couldn’t look more different… Me in my Burberry peacoat my dad got me for Christmas last year, Tom Ford boots, and my jeans fully intact. Light hair and pale skin to his olive complexion and messy dark strands in his eyes. He even has on fingerless gloves, displaying his perpetually chipped black nail polish.

But for some reason, our differences aren’t irritating me like they normally do. Right now, I’m just walking beside him, wondering how it’s possible that after all we’ve done together, and how many years he’s been in my life, I still don’t feel like I really know him.

Sure, I know the basic stuff. The things I’ve learned over the years of him being a reluctant member of the family. But Avi Vega himself… His history, the things he cares for and dreams about, the real stuff, beneath the surface… It’s all a mystery to me.

“They said it’s supposed to start snowing later…” he says, his breath visible in the cold air as he gazes up at the sky.

I just nod at the small talk, my head still cluttered with all these thoughts. We’re both silent for a few steps, nothing but the sounds of our boots on the pavement clomping in my ears.

“So… how do you feel about the game?” He speaks again, and my eyes slink right.

“We could’ve played better.” I shrug. “Their defense was no joke.”

He nods. “But still… three touchdowns.” He pauses while I squint at him. “You played really well, Ky. You should be less hard on yourself.”

My lips twitch. “So you’re actively watching all the games now? Paying attention to my performance…”

He rolls his eyes, and I chuckle. “I just want to make sure you’re doing alright without me.”

Scowling, I give him an unamused look. “Oh, you mean your performance?”

He laughs, and I smother the grin that wants to slip through. “Just admit it… You love having Baldwin there to pump you up.”

I scoff, shaking my head. “Dude, I wasn’t lying when I said you’re a distraction.”

“Mhm… I think I know how distracting I can be.” He purses his lips over a smirk. And then his fingers brush mine.

I come to a fast stop, my pulse suddenly pinging inside me. Avi stares at me while my eyes fling left and right, making sure no one saw that.

There isn’t anyone around to see it, and I’m obviously freaking out over nothing, but I can’t help it. My skin is growing hot and itchy beneath my clothes.

“Sorry…” Avi whispers. “It was an accident.”

I clear my throat. “It’s fine… whatever.” Distracting myself from the way I can still feel his fingers on mine, I pull out my phone to check the app. “Says he’ll be here in two minutes.”

“Okay…”

I can feel him staring at me, but I’m too jittery to look up, so I busy myself with bullshit on my phone until the car pulls up along the road.

We both get into the backseat, our bags resting at our feet as the driver pulls away, taking us home. The radio is on, playing some Rihanna song at low volume while we cruise up 93. Looking out the window, I watch the buildings pass, listening to the grungy voice croon about love on the brain.

My chin slants left, slowly inching my face in Avi’s direction, where he’s gazing out the window himself. Then he peeks at me, and I quickly look away.

Weirdo. You’re being a total weirdo.

My mind is moving as fast as the car through the rest of the drive. And when we pull into the driveway of my home, the nerves are really churning my stomach something fierce.

The holidays have been terrible for as long as I can remember. When Hannah and Avi showed up, they actually became slightly more tolerable, pulling some of the focus from how little my father cared to celebrate with me. If I don’t make a point to stop by my mother’s house, we don’t see each other. And I haven’t seen my sister in years at this point. She opts not to come home, for obvious reasons… But I expect a phone call from her tomorrow. And despite everything, I’m looking forward to it.

I can’t help resenting Bridget a little for leaving me alone with Dad. She disappeared when I needed her, and it’s hard not to feel hurt and abandoned over it.

Of course, I understand why she left… I just wish she hadn’t.

The house is quiet, but there’s music coming from the den, so Avi and I walk that way, following the sounds of a crackling fire and hushed voices.

“My boys!” Hannah cheers the second we set foot into the room, jumping up to greet us both. She clings to Avi for way too long, kissing his face all over while whining, “Oh, I missed you so, so much, my precious tatala.”

“Mom…” he grumbles, scrunching his face as he tries to pull away from her affections.

It has me chuckling, because honestly, it’s really sweet, and embarrassing for him, which is fun.

“Kyran, I’m so happy to see you.” Hannah hugs me tight.

I’m still always surprised by the affection, so it takes me a moment to return it. But I do, because it’s nice. It feels good to be welcomed by family. I really wouldn’t know what that’s like…

When I pull back from Hannah’s warm embrace, my eyes flit to my father, who’s standing there, a perfectly indifferent smile on his lips as he steps over to us.

“Good to see you, son,” he says firmly—as usual—giving me a two-second hug with a stern pat on the back. “Great game the other day.” Then he turns and mumbles, “Avi.”

He goes to squeeze Avi’s shoulder, which is the most sentiment he can expect from my father. But Avi lunges at him, hugging onto him hard enough that my father is almost knocked backwards. I’m pretty sure Avi’s doing it on purpose, to mess with him, which has me stifling a laugh.

“Boys, I’m making a roast for dinner tomorrow,” Hannah says as she curls up on the couch. My father takes a seat at the other end. “So we figured we’d just order takeout tonight.”

“Chinese??” Avi gasps excitedly, to which Hannah grins and nods. “Sweet.” My brows furrow at him, and he explains, “It’s our Chrismakkah tradition.”

“Right…” I chuckle. “I forgot about Chrismakkah.”

I learned about that during the first Christmas Avi and Hannah spent with Dad and me. It’s a Vega family tradition to celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, since Avi is half-Jewish.

“How could you ever forget about Chrismakkah??” He feigns outrage. “It’s the epic battle between Jesus and Moses!” He cackles at the look of horror on my father’s face. “Just kidding. It’s not a battle. It’s just seven fun days, leading up to the eighth super fun day. Which this year, just so happens to also fall on Christmas Day.”

“Convenient,” Hannah teases with a smirk.

“Alright, well… I’m gonna bring my stuff upstairs,” I mutter.

“Oh, yea. Good idea,” Avi says, following me to the stairs.

“We’ll eat in about an hour!” Hannah calls after us.

Stomping into my old bedroom, I exhale slowly, looking around. It’s exactly the same as I left it, but for some reason, it feels different. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve changed… or because I never really felt like myself living in this room.

It won’t be like it was…

I drop my bag on the floor, taking off my coat and boots, trying to make myself comfortable, when really, I’m just anxious. Being around my father is always tense, but during the holidays, it really ramps up the pressure… For me to feel like a better son than I am. Constantly chasing his approval, and knowing I’ll never get it.

Taking a seat on my bed, I flop onto my back, staring up at the ceiling. I still vaguely remember what holidays were like before our family was torn apart…

It wasn’t perfect… Not even close. But still, it was better than this. Christmas movies, decorating the tree, and sipping eggnog by the fire. Bridget and I would rush downstairs at the crack of dawn and squeal over all the presents everywhere, and the plate of cookies with a bite taken out from Santa. There was honest to God merriment.

And then that all changed.

A few words shivered from terrified lips took down the whole Harbor family.

A knock at my door brings me out of my anguished nostalgia.

“Hey…”

Lifting my head, I find Avi wandering into the room, hands stuffed into his pockets. He trots over and plops down on my bed right next to me, and for the first time ever, I don’t actively try to scoot away from him.

Maybe I’m just too tired… Emotionally drained from the sheer act of being here, and all the bullshit memories that always seem to attach themselves to this stupid holiday. But right now, I almost feel myself leaning in closer to him. Hanging on his proximity, as the only thing in my life that fully distracts me from chaos my mind can’t control.

Avi lies down on his back beside me. And we both just stare up at the ceiling, side-by-side, breathing quiet breaths that feel much calmer than they were a moment ago. The feel of his fingers moving alerts me to how close they are to my own. And then mine move, twitching subtly until they brush his.

I hear him release an exhale, and the next thing I know, his fingers are tracing mine, gradually grazing them up and down.

The sensation thumps my chest and tickles my stomach, but I don’t… I don’t hate it.

Latching onto that, and this feeling I don’t want to lose no matter how confusing it is, I thread mine through his, taking his right hand in my left. We’re holding hands, and it feels good. His hand is warm and big; the same size as mine. I like it…

I like his hands.

Avi’s face turns, and as nervous as I am for him to see the obvious blush in my cheeks, I shift mine in his direction. Our eyes meet, two vastly different places on the color spectrum, cradling each other, almost intimately.

“I wanna show you something,” he whispers, lips quirking subtly.

Brows raised, I blink at him as he reaches his left hand into his pocket, pulling out some sort of rubber ring. He flicks it at me, and it lands on my stomach. Picking it up with my free hand, I examine it closely.

“What the hell is this?” I grunt, and he chuckles.

“It’s a cock ring.” I shoot him a scandalized look, and he laughs harder. “A gift from one of our fans.”

I observe the ring for a moment, so many varying things bouncing around inside my skull. But the first question that exits my mouth is, “You gave a stranger on the internet your address??”

Avi snorts, his chest rumbling through his chuckles. “I gave them Frankie’s address.”

“That doesn’t exactly make it better,” I gasp. “What if this person shows up at her house?”

“I didn’t give out her apartment number or anything,” he sighs. “Plus, her building is very secure. She said it was okay.”

The only other word I can think to utter is, “Why…?”

He grins, shrugging. “He wanted to send us something for Christmas. I thought it was sweet.”

“Sweet… or creepy?” I mutter, squeezing the rubber between my fingers.

He rolls so that his whole body is facing me. “You’ve seen the DMs from these people, Ky. They’re smitten with us.” I blink at him. “And by the way, it’s not the only gift we received. It’s just the only one I could… bring with me.”

My chin can’t seem to stop swiveling, flabbergasted by what he’s telling me, while he just continues to laugh softly.

“I guess we’ve really made it, huh?” I mutter sarcastically, though I can’t help feeling flattered by it…

People sending us gifts because they like what we do so much, they want to feel like they’re a part of it. Sure, it’s primarily sexual, but still. If I’ve learned anything in the last couple of months, it’s that whether you want to admit it or not, sex is a huge part of human life. It’s connection in a lot of ways.

Even… uninhibited chemistry that pops up when you least expect it.

The periwinkle of Avi’s eyes falls to my lips, and I’m suddenly so much warmer.

“I want to kiss you, Kyran,” he says quietly, his fingers squeezing mine.

Instinctively, my eyes fling to my bedroom door, which is open. “You shouldn’t…”

“I really want to…” he murmurs.

“But it’s not…” My voice gets lodged in my throat, and I clear it, lowering to a whisper. “It’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?” He inches closer to me.

“Because…”

I can’t even think. My mind has gone completely blank and all I can feel is warm, thrumming need, seeping from my pores like a pheromone.

Avi touches my chest, dragging his fingers dangerously close to where my heart is flying like crazy. “Why this time, Ky? Give me a good reason, not one of your bullshit excuses.”

Gulping down the saliva filling my mouth, my eyes leave his for one more second to peek at the door. “Because our parents are right downstairs.”

He hums a deep, rumbly sound, and now it’s all I can hear as his hand reaches up to my jaw. “Then I guess we’ll just have to be really quiet.”

He tugs me to his mouth, and to my own surprise, I give right in, curving my body to his while his lips seal over mine. It’s hypnotic, the way he kisses me; dizzying, like I’m standing at the very edge of somewhere high off the ground.

His kiss is altitude, lifting me up past my normal center of gravity.

Our shared breaths are the wind, rushing in pants and whimpers… And his hands clutching and hauling me closer are what keep me from floating away.

He’s kissing me, and I’m flying.

But I’m so afraid of falling, I can’t stop the trembles.

“Avi…” I mumble in between the fevered sucks and licks and bites, my hands on his chest while he eases himself on top of me.

“Mmm…” He grinds his hips into mine, my legs spreading for him like a reflex.

“We should… close the… door.” My words leave broken and hoarse from the arousal he’s dragging out of me; the overwhelming, but surprisingly erotic dominance in his lips, his teeth, his tongue, his hands… all working together to mollify me, and turn me into a subdued little kitten.

“Don’t make me stop,” he growls with my jaw in one hand while the other slides up inside my shirt. “I don’t want to leave your perfect lips for one second…”

“I know,” I whisper into his mouth, humming when his fingers tease my nipple. “But please… Just close it. For me?”

Avi pries his lips from mine, breathing heavily like he’s trying to find his way back to earth as he nods. Rolling off me, and off the bed, he stumbles over to close the door gently, locking it with a click. He spins to face me, biting his lip, pinning me with a look that throbs my balls and rushes blood to my dick so fast, I feel woozy.

Sauntering over, he lifts his shirt over his head, tossing it as he drops onto the bed on his knees, crawling back over me like it’s where he’s meant to be. It feels like we’re magnetized to one another and I’m as nervous as I am turned on by it.

Why does this feel so good…? And why does it happen as easily as breathing?

He presses a few more slow kisses on my mouth, grasping the hem of my shirt and dragging it up slowly to reveal my torso. “Arms up,” he commands softly, and I obey, raising my arms over my head so he can remove my shirt.

“Do you think they’ll notice…?” I murmur while he kisses down my throat, trailing his lips along my chest. “That we both disappeared up here together instead of spending time with them?”

“I don’t think either of them expect you to want to socialize.” He kisses one of the purple marks he left on me the other night.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I peer down at him, narrowing my hooded gaze. “And thanks again for those. I had to lie and say they were from Lexi.” Avi chuckles, sucking and biting me some more until I grab him by the hair. “No more hickeys…”

“Mmm… but you wear them so well.” He flutters his tongue over my nipple while working on undoing my pants.

It feels amazing. Honestly, I can’t even force myself to act upset about the awkwardness of being draped in mouth bruises in front of all my teammates while he’s sucking on me like that.

“And little do they know, these sexy little marks are from your stepbrother…” He breathes warm, illustrious words on my skin, making me shiver. “What would our parents say… if they found us like this?”

He shoves my pants and underwear down, enough that half my dick is exposed. And I’m breathing heavily, burning from the rush of his words. Because he’s right… It’s forbidden, what we’re doing. Letting him toy with me, with our parents right downstairs. I can’t even help how badly it makes my cock weep.

Avi opens his own pants, pulling his dick out and giving it a few tugs while lowers mine even more, bringing them down my legs until I’m naked. He removes his phone from his pocket, turning on the camera and handing it to me.

“Capture this moment, gorgeous,” he rasps, nuzzling my balls with his lips, kissing them before swiping his tongue up the length of my cock.

“Ohh… fuck yes…” My head drops back, hips lifting to his hungry mouth while he sucks me in, doing that thing I love where he teases the skin around my head with his tongue.

But then I remember the phone in my hand, and peek at the screen, aiming it to get the perfect angle of his dark hair, bobbing up and down on me. I brush my fingers through the strands, tugging gently in my fist while I record him sucking my cock, slow and deep, his luscious pink lips stretched around my girth, sliding up and down.

“You suck me better than anyone…” I whisper, and he groans, vibrations rumbling my shaft inside his wet mouth. “We’re not supposed to be doing this… are we?”

He shakes his head, spit running down the sides of my dick as he glides up, releasing me with a pop. “If they only knew what I was doing to you up here…”

“Fuck…” My head tips back again while he kisses down my pelvis, sucking roughly on my nuts, then moving on to bite my inner thighs.

“You love it, don’t you?” His voice is deep and throaty, swimming in my ears as he grabs my thighs in his hands, shoving my legs apart forcefully and wedging his face in between. “Keeping this dirty little secret… Letting your stepbrother defile you with our parents right downstairs…”

My head moves on its own in a nod, because yes. Yes, I certainly do love it, despite what that means about me. I can’t find it in myself to war against something that feels this good; swapping my infinite angst with intoxicating pleasure.

His tongue slides along the space between my balls and my ass, tauntingly poking between my cheeks while I shudder.

But he pauses, and my eyes creep open to find him squinting up at me. “Did you groom yourself?”

Heat rushes to my face as I bite my lip and nod.

Avi’s dark lashes flutter for a moment, and he groans, “That is so fucking hot, baby… Were you thinking about how much you want my mouth down here…?”

I nod faster, gulping on the word, “Yes.”

He sits up with a growl, snatching the phone away from me. “Bend over the edge of the bed.”

“W-what?” I gasp, blinking at him, dazed.

“I wanna eat you until you come,” he breathes, sliding off the bed onto his knees. “Like this.”

“Can you… really do that?” My heart leaps wildly in my chest as I turn away from him, dropping my feet onto the floor and draping my top half over the bed.

“I’ve never tried…” He runs his hands up the backs of my thighs, cupping my ass hard while I whimper. “Do you wanna come with my tongue in your ass, Kyran?”

My dick leaks a heavy pulse of precum onto the bed as I breathe, “Yea… that sounds… fun.”

He chuckles seductively, spreading me open while I purr at the sensation of being on display and at his filthy mercy. “I’d grab that pillow.” His warm breath tickles my eager flesh. “You might need something to scream into…”

It’s baffling how much I fucking want this right now. I never thought I could be this turned on, bent over a bed with Avi staring at my asshole, but I can’t even pretend I’m not falling apart in anticipation.

His lips dance up the backs of my thighs as he presses soft kisses all over my cheeks, creeping closer and closer to the crack of my ass. Teasing, building the arousal, so that when he finally sinks his mouth in between, I’m already whining out jagged groans.

“Shh… Quiet, baby,” he whispers with a flutter of his tongue over my hole.

God, it feels insane. I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on something this dirty and delicious. If I’d known how good it feels, I would have been letting everyone eat my ass.

But then I’m glad Avi’s the one doing it… Because he’s very good. He says he’s never done it before, but he must really like it, the way he’s using his entire tongue to lick me like an ice cream cone. I feel his grunts and growls vibrating into me as he sucks my rim, kissing it over and over while I smash my face into the bed.

“Goddamn, that’s so good…” I mumble into the comforter, writhing my hips back against his face. “Fffuck yea… Stuff it inside.”

“Like this?” He spears his tongue into my hole, forcing it as deep as he can.

“Ohh… oh yea. Just like… that,” I gasp, unable to control my volume when something so slippery is pushing inside me, swirling around while his soft lips graze my sensitive, puckering flesh.

“Kyran… You have to be quiet.” He grips my ass in his hands. “Our parents are going to hear you.”

“Fuuck,” I whimper, my dick throbbing at the truth in his words.

It’s wrong… So mischievous sinful dirty naughty fucking hot.

Grabbing the pillow, I stuff my face into it to muffle my cries.

“You want them to come up and find us…?” he croons, attacking my ass with strong licks, slipping his tongue inside, then tugging it out. “You want them to hear how much you love your stepbrother eating your hot, tight little hole…”

“Avi… fuck yes. Eat me the fuck out…” I whine, biting down on the pillow while he uses his entire mouth to make out with my asshole the way he does to my face.

It’s sloppy wet. I can feel saliva running down my balls, and my dick is so hard it’s jamming aggressively into the bed while I rock my hips back and forth, riding his mouth, begging for more like a fiend.

“You’re so sweet, baby,” he breathes, unleashed in his devouring. He’s starved for it, viciously fucking his tongue into me. “Warm and wet and delicious for me…”

Fuck… fuck fuck fuck, holy fuck… I think I’m really gonna come…

Grinding my cock into the bed as hard as I can, I’m chasing the sweet friction, humping back against his face. I feel Avi jerking off, his arm tapping against my leg as he beats himself roughly, lashing me and sucking me until I’m going cross-eyed.

“That’s it, baby…” he groans. “Ride my tongue. Show me how badly you want it…”

“I want it…” I sob gruffly into the pillow, biting it to keep from screaming. My fingers are digging into the mattress as I bounce my ass on his tongue, my cock aching and ready to erupt. “I wanna come, Avi… God, make me come…”

“I’m gonna make you come so hard, you sexy little slut,” he growls. “Come for me, Kyran. Come on my mouth…”

My body is wound up like a rubber band curled way too many times around my fist. I’m about to snap, driving my ass down on his mouth until the world goes dark, and I tremor…

“I’m c-coming… Ffffuck yes!”

Shuddering down to my core, I crumble into a soul-shattering orgasm, tears seeping from my eyes as my dick shoots off, spraying cum all over the bed.

“Shhh… That’s so good, baby…” he purrs. “Come so sweet for me…”

I ride it out, milking the cum from my cock with my hips mashing against the comforter, crying unintelligible nonsense into the pillow.

“Avi… Avi Avi Avi… I’m… your… I’m yours.”

Thankfully, I don’t think he can understand what I’m saying, because it’s pretty crazy. But I can’t seem to stop it. Everything around me is toppling, and it’s just too intense…

“I love how you make me come… b—” I chomp down onto the pillow fast to shut myself up.

Avi’s rampant licking and kissing slows, and he pulls his face out of my ass, shoving me up onto the bed. I nestle up, buzzing while he crawls over me, straddling my waist. He’s still wearing his pants, but they’re down around his thighs, dick curled in his fist as he strokes it fast, pumping up and down, holding up the camera to record.

“I’m gonna come all the fuck over you, gorgeous.” His eyes are hooded, bottom lip between his teeth as he jerks harder and harder.

“Come on me…” I plead on a whisper, tipping my head back, awaiting his hot load.

“You want it?”

“I want it…” My chest quavers. I’m all sensation right now, my sticky skin flushed, nipples peaked and aching with the desire to be soaked in his orgasm. “Cover me in cum, baby…”

My eyes snap open. Fuck, what did I just say??

Avi’s eyes widen. His lips part and a desperate whimpering gasp leaves them before his head drops back, and he groans, “Fuuck… fuck me, Kyran, Jesus…”

I have no time to be horrified by what I just called him, because I’m being sprayed down by warm, slick pulses, hitting my chest and my neck, my chin.

Avi’s hand slows, and he milks out every last drop, chewing on his lip to keep himself quiet. At this point, I have no idea how loud we’re being. We could be screaming for all I know… My blood is rushing too loudly in my ears for me to tell.

Swallowing, I glance down at the silky wet splatters all over me, licking my lip and tasting some of him there, too. Our eyes meet, and Avi shifts himself up higher to stuff his dick into my mouth. I take it with a grunt, sucking him greedily, pulling out salty flavor into my mouth and gulping it back.

His fingers sift into my hair, petting me, holding my head while I lose myself in sucking him, bobbing on his cock until it begins to soften on my tongue.

He tugs it out slowly with a shivering breath, dragging the swollen head over my lips and down my chin. Then he collapses on me, tossing the phone away while he kisses my mouth. Sucking at my lips, he teases my tongue with his, tasting himself.

My brain is a scrambled mass of static, the sexual haze we’re wading in filling the room as my fingers tangle in his hair and I hold his lips on mine. Keeping us lost for as long as I can until this wears off.

Avi peels his mouth away, but only to kiss down my chest and suck his cum off of my nipples. The feeling jerks my cock awake, but I’m momentarily paralyzed.

Each time we’re together, it gets deeper. More intense, more staggering, more… beautiful.

More terrifying.

“You called me baby…” he whispers, and I groan, covering my face with my hands to hide from the endless shit he’s about to give me over that slip. He chuckles, wrapping his arms around my waist, dropping kisses on that sensitive spot by my ear. “And you said you’re mine.”

“Avi… Please shut up,” I whine. “It was an accident. I was caught up in the moment.”

“Okay, sure…” There’s an elated grin in his voice, and I refuse to admit that it does things to my stomach… Fluttery things. “Whatever you say, grump. But I’ll have you know that I’m not some girl,” he teases, and I can’t stop the chuckle that rumbles out of me. “I’m a man. And men don’t let other men call them baby.”

“You’re so annoying,” I grunt while he sits up, swooping his messy hair over to one side.

“I can’t help but notice you don’t freak out when your friend Guty calls you baby, or sexy.” He narrows his gaze at me, and I mirror the look.

“That’s because he’s not doing it in a romantic, pet-name kinda way,” I huff. “It’s just how he is. He calls everyone stuff like that.”

He purses his lips. “Are you sure…?”

My head tilts, and I notice something in his features that isn’t quite kidding around. He seems a little serious… maybe even… jealous.

Is he jealous of Guty?? Why would he be? I’ve never hooked up with Guty. He’s just my friend, and he’s straight.

My stomach flops while I swallow. And so am I…

I inch closer to Avi. “You know I’ve never… hooked up with any other guys… Right?”

He gnaws on his lip for a second. “I do now.”

“Have you?” My gut bunches like it’s preparing for a hard blow.

But he shakes his head, and whispers, “No.”

Letting out a secret exhale, I nod. And we both just stare at each other for a few heavy breaths of tense silence.

“Does that make you happy?” he asks quietly.

Yes. “No. I mean, I don’t care…” I grumble. “I’m not going to hook up with other guys… Because this is just about… the money.” I gulp out the words. His eyes are wide as I mumble, “Right?”

Avi is quiet for another few deafening seconds, during which I can feel the air in the room, like a shower of pelting rain coming down on us. I don’t know what any of this means. All I know is that it doesn’t feel like a business discussion anymore…

Is it even for the fans??

He shakes himself out of something, finally muttering, “Yea. Of course.”

My lips part, but he jumps off the bed before I can say anything, rushing toward the bathroom and calling out, “I’m just gonna clean up real quick, then you can take a shower. Or whatever you wanna do…”

“Okay…” I mutter.

And as soon as the bathroom door closes, I flop onto my back, staring up at the ceiling once more.

This room is exactly the same…

But I’m not. Not even close.