: Chapter 28

theBSTpwrbttm: I want you both to rail me and then pretend you love me like you love each other. *Swoon*

BigD1ckDeacon: Do you need a sin for your next confession?

Wanna hear something funny?

I’ve known since I was a little kid that someday I’d win a championship trophy.

Ever since I was old enough to throw a football, this has been my goal. The endgame.

Holding this trophy in my hands and knowing that I helped win it for my team.

I’m fully aware this isn’t something a lot of people can say. It’s pretty rare to have a goal in mind from the time you’re a kid and actually achieve it, dodging all the obstacles thrown in front of you and still managing to get there.

It’s weird, and fascinating and incredible, the way life works out sometimes…

But that’s not the funny part.

The thing that’s had me casually stopping to smile over the last couple of hours, while we were celebrating in the locker room, changing out of our uniforms, then piling into our bus and sing-screaming “We Are The Champions”… while Guty literally picked me up and carried me into our hotel room and I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe… while I changed into my winner’s suit—the suit I picked out specifically for this party—and made my way downstairs to the hotel conference room that’s been elaborately decorated with maroon and gold, and fully stocked with food… is how all I want, in the whole wide world, is just to hold Avi Vega’s hand.

It’s hilarious to think that after this fantastic achievement, amidst the high of the win, the thing that has my stomach fluttering and my fingers twitching isn’t that trophy across the room… It’s the anticipation of seeing Avi’s smile. Hearing his voice croon about how proud he is, listening to his smartass comments, and watching his flirtatious smirky expressions. Sharing this experience with someone who loves me, and who I love in return… And feeling like it’s right, despite what I’ve spent so many years trying to talk myself out of.

The win would be worthless if I hadn’t fallen in love with him.

It’s a mystifying truth, but it is the truth. Because after every other game I’ve ever won, the excitement has only been skin-deep. For the first time ever, it actually means something.

It’s not about making my dad proud… When he called me, I barely even cared. I just couldn’t stop thinking about Avi, and I’m as thrilled as I am baffled by the way this love has swept me up, like I’m floating on a cloud.

Everything feels infinitely more real being in love with him.

I’m just about to text him again and ask where he is when he walks through the door… and my heart skips in my chest.

Beautiful. That’s the word that thumps with the blood pumping through my veins. As my eyes take in the sight of him in his ripped jeans and a collared shirt, loose skinny tie around his neck. I have to chuckle, because he looks so out of place, and I love it.

Figures that it would take someone like him to breathe me back to life. He’s so… different. Unique, like a mosaic. Complex little pieces glued together to make a purely stunning creation.

When he spots me, he smiles. And I smile too… I can’t seem to stop. He struts over to me, and I walk to him, biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself from looking crazy. His eyes are wide and sparkling, a seriousness etching them that doesn’t fit his typically carefree presence. But I assume it’s because he’s not usually comfortable at these football parties, surrounded by jocks he doesn’t relate to. And I know I haven’t made it easy on him in the past…

The regret I feel at how awfully I treated him in front of these people still weighs on me constantly. But I’m on a mission to do better for him. To prove that if he can just be patient with me, I’ll work past the fear I’ve been living with for so long, and be what he needs.

I can do that for him.

Throwing my arms around his shoulders, I pull him close to me in a hug that might look a tad too intimate. But I don’t even care. I just need to feel his body on mine, his warmth and his size… I need to smell him.

My Avi candle.

It takes him a second, maybe from nerves, but he curls his strong arms around my waist and holds me back, releasing a long breath into the crook of my neck.

“Congratulations, superstar,” he whispers, his voice raspier than normal and a little shaky. To think that he’s as emotional over this as I am makes me happy.

He makes me so happy.

“Thank you for being here.” I squeeze him tighter when he goes to pull away. “Thank you for… getting me here.”

When we separate, I catch a crease in his forehead, and I just hope he knows I’m not talking about the football. I’m talking about this… Us.

His eyes are a little bloodshot, and I purse my lips. He’s probably stoned… as usual. But I have no right to say anything… Not yet, anyway. The Avi I fell in love with smokes a lot of weed. It’s not a problem for me if it’s not a problem for him.

“Where’s Bridget?” I ask, slinking my hands down his chest as we put distance between us.

I want to keep touching him… no matter who’s looking. I’m filled with a beaming burst of confidence, from the win, and from seeing him now.

Avi’s gaze falls to the floor between us, a shifty air about him as he mumbles, “She’s up in my hotel room resting. She… wasn’t feeling well. But she’ll probably come down in a bit.”

My brow furrows. “Oh… Okay. Do you think I should go check on her?”

“No, no.” He shakes his head. “This is your party, baby. You need to be here celebrating being an NCAA muthafuckin’ champion.” His grin widens, and I chuckle.

“Do you want a drink? Or something to eat?” I ask, straightening his tie.

His eyes shift left then right, as if he’s uneasy about people seeing us standing together this way; close, with me fussing over him.

“Avi…” I whisper, and he blinks sparkly blue-gray at me. “I… I want—”

“Yo! Look who’s here!” Guty’s voice booms, and I glance up to see him barreling over. “Baldwin made an appearance for the win!”

“Guty…” I huff, grinning, though I’m about to tell him not to call Avi that anymore.

But he grabs Avi by the arm and starts dragging him away. “I want you to meet my fam-bam.”

Avi shoots me a helpless look, and I chuckle, following after them. Guty brings Avi over to his mom and brother, who are chatting with Theo and his dad.

“Congrats on an amazing win,” Avi says to Guty, peeking at Theo. “All of you… You guys really killed it. I’m not surprised one bit, but just… congratulations. You deserve it.”

“Hey, they couldn’t have done it without your support at all the home games!” Guty’s mother, Liz, says, patting Avi on the shoulder.

Our faces all scrunch in confusion as Guty asks, “Wait, how’d you know he’s the mascot??”

“We met at the game,” Liz says with a smile. “He was sitting in front of us.” Her face tilts to me. “With your sister.”

“Ah…” I nod, while Guty does the same, and Theo introduces Avi to his dad.

“I love your moves,” Guty’s brother, Marco, says to Avi, and Avi chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck.

He definitely seems a little tense, but it makes sense in this situation. This isn’t normally the kind of thing Avi likes to do. But he’s doing it for me, which has warm tingles flooding my chest.

Liz nudges me, whispering, “Is this your boyfriend?” Her eyes flick to Avi, lips curled in an eager grin.

Avi’s eyes widen and he gapes at me like he’s not sure what would make her ask that.

My jaw drops, but before I can respond, Guty scoffs, “Mama! No esta su novio. Avi is Kyran’s stepbrother.”

Her face goes still, the smile falling away as her forehead lines in confusion. I can feel heat rising into my cheeks, and normally this would be the time for me to retreat into myself, coughing up some bullshit excuse; some lie that doesn’t feel good, but will help preserve the Kyran Harbor image everyone else sees.

But… I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want to lie anymore.

No more hiding.

“Actually…” I croak, then clear my throat, reaching for Avi’s hand. It’s clammy, and I can feel his fingers shaking as I thread mine through them, yanking him closer to me. “She’s right.”

“Kyran…” Avi whispers frantically, shaking his head. “You don’t have to do this. Not now…”

“I do, though.” My lips quirk into a small smile, to let him know I’m fine. It’s okay. I can do this. “I have to. I mean, I want to…”

“Ky, what’s going on?” Theo tilts his head, his eyes falling to Avi’s and my joined hands.

Peering at him, then Guty, I take in a small breath while they all gawk at me in silence. I won’t say my heart isn’t racing, because it is. But it feels good.

It’s the way my heart races on the field. With millions of eyes and lights shining down on me… I exhale and I’m calm. Focused.

I squeeze Avi’s hand.

Slow down, and let him catch you.

“We’re together,” I speak quietly, then straighten. “He’s my boyfriend. I’m his…” My voice trails, and I peek at Avi, watching his lips slope into a timid smile. “I’m his boyfriend.”

“You’re so much fucking more than that,” he breathes, and my heart jumps as I reach for his jaw.

“I know,” I sigh, pulling his mouth to mine.

Kissing him. Fucking kissing him, in front of everyone.

I think I actually hear Guty gasp out loud, and I chuckle into Avi’s mouth while he laughs back, hands sliding up my neck.

“My baby,” he hums while our lips brush in just enough kiss for it to feel like a revelation. Not enough to scare the shit out of my teammates and their families, all of whom I know are now staring at us.

“Yours,” I tell him as he moves back, and I press one more soft kiss on his mouth because I’m not done. Not even close.

“Ho-ly fuck!” Guty shouts, a shocked smile taking over his face.

“Samson!” Liz scolds him.

“Is this really happening…?” Theo’s eyes have never been wider.

“I freaking knew it!” Guty claps his hands together. “I knew you two were hiding something… After the way you spazzed on Ash Holloway at the party!”

“Yea, but you didn’t know they were banging,” Theo grunts.

“Theodore,” his dad grumbles, and Theo makes a face.

Then his head slopes right, to where even more people are gathering around us, including Coach Matthews. My hands slip down Avi’s chest while his do the same, and we separate, but not much. Leaning into him, I link my fingers with his, holding his hand again, to let him know we’re in this now.

No matter what happens… it’s us.

Kyran and Avi… we’re real now.

Coach looks to Avi, raising a brow. “You couldn’t just let us have one party, could you?” He scoffs, but I can see the amusement on his face, and Avi shows him a tense grin, shrugging.

Coach glances at the crowd, his eyes lingering for a moment, before they zero in on me. “We might need to talk in private, Harbor…”

I nod, swallowing hard. “I get that, Coach. I know how this looks, but I… I don’t care.” I square my shoulders, locking my confident gaze with his. “Right now, I just want to celebrate the win with my friends. And my boyfriend.”

His eyes narrow at me. But then he nods, letting out a sigh. “Yea. You deserve it.” Spinning, he flicks a hand at the crowd, shooing people away. “Alright, let’s give the kids some space.”

A bunch of my teammates are still glaring, whispering to each other. I definitely hear the word stepbrother a few times, and OnlyFans more than a few. But I ignore it all, tugging Avi along, over to a table so we can take a seat.

Naturally, Guty follows us.

“Do your parents know??” he asks, plopping down in the seat next to Avi that I was going to sit in. Avi grins, and I chuckle, shaking my head while I round him to sit on the other side.

“No one knows,” Avi murmurs, giving me a look like I’m insane for just dropping this bomb, right after winning the goddamn Rose Bowl. Okay, yea, I might be a little psycho. “Except Frankie and Ky’s sister.”

“Do you think they’re gonna freak?” Guty asks.

But I answer, “I don’t care.” Scooting in closer to Avi, I rest my head on his shoulder.

Because I’m finally calm. It’s like a shot of serenity, being with him like this. Out in the open and not caring. Sweet, peaceful transparency.

Guty’s grin is nothing but supportive. Honestly, he looks beyond happy for us, and it’s such a relief. He leans in closer and whispers, “Are you Not_Your_Baby?”

Avi laughs while I tuck my face into his chest, shaking my head. “My client refrains from answering any further questions,” he teases, rubbing my back.

At that moment, Theo stomps over and plops into the seat next to Guty with a stressed breath and a bottle in his hand. “Anyone else wanna get drunk?”

Peeking up at Avi, I bite my lip at the sight of his sweet smile. It still looks a bit strained, and there’s something troubling in his eyes that I can’t quite pinpoint. But he seems happy, with his fingers running up into my hair.

“I could go for a drink,” he says to Theo, who’s pouring bourbon into the water glasses on the table.

Theo goes to hand him a glass, but he yanks it back before Avi can take it. “Did you two hook up at my party?” He cocks a brow.

Avi pulls an innocent look that I see right through. “What would make you think that?”

“Bea said she left you two alone in the bathroom.” He grins, then chuckles. “And it looked like Ky was about to murder you.”

“Yea, no. He totally kicked my ass.” Avi smirks, and Guty laughs.

“Right.” Theo smirks. “I’m sure ass was involved in some way.”

Avi gasps in faux outrage while I cackle and Guty hollers.

The four of us drink for a while, talking and laughing. More teammates come over to take shots, and celebrate our big win. And some of them look a little uncomfortable. But most of them are acting normal; smiling and supportive. Sure, they won’t stop incessantly prying Avi for details about the OnlyFans, but I guess that’s to be expected. Since he’s the disgraced porn king of BC.

More than anything, I’m just weightless. As if thousands of pounds have been lifted from my shoulders. I’m okay with the reality that not everyone will accept me for who I am, and I understand that I’ll have to answer questions about the nature of my relationship with Avi, since he’s my stepbrother. But none of that matters when his hands are on me in public.

That bubble of private intimacy we built up over months of hooking up in secret is now out in the open. It surrounds us, keeping us together and secluded from all the people.

It’s fascinating… In a crowded room, we’re still Backwardz_Cap and Not_Your_Baby. Only with clothes on.

As the night wears on, the team gets rowdier. And eventually, Guty and Theo announce that they want to go raise hell somewhere else.

“Let’s go rip shots in the hotel room while we decide where to go.” Guty pokes me repeatedly.

Chuckling, I peer at Avi, who’s watching me carefully with studious eyes. He’s been looking at me like that all night, and I don’t really know where it’s coming from.

It’s like he’s trying to read every inch of me to make sure I’m alright.

“Okay.” I shoot Avi a quick glance, then nod to Guty. “I’ll meet you in a few.”

“Oh God… you’re going to get laid, aren’t you??” Guty groans, and Avi laughs.

Theo whips his drink back, his face all flushed. There’s something going on with him, but I can’t worry about it right now. Because yea… I really wanna go get laid.

“None of your business, chile.” I wink at Guty, grabbing Avi by the arm and pulling him with me.

Guty slurs to Theo, “They’re going to be gay together,” and Theo coughs into his drink while Guty bursts into laughter.

“Your friends are almost as ridiculous as mine,” Avi mumbles while we leave the room, powerwalking through the halls to the nearest elevator.

“It’s not a competition, baby,” I tease.

Pressing the elevator button a million times, I’m vibrating. Impatient, and needing to be alone with him right now before I combust. After everything… The game, and then coming out in front of the entire team, not to mention how hard-up I am, not having had his dick in me in way too many days… I’m really gonna have to focus on not coming too soon. Because I’m in desperate need of a slow dose right now.

The way his body eases everything inside me, all my restlessness and uncertainty. He quite literally fucks my troubles away.

“Wow, baby,” Avi chuckles as the elevator dings and I shove him inside. “You’re that wound up for me?”

Nodding, I crowd him as the doors close. And we’re alone, with just enough time for me to push him up against the wall and kiss his lips like a wild animal.

“I can’t help it,” I breathe in between sucking his mouth, feeding him my tongue while my hands rush all over, savoring the slopes and curves of hard muscle I can feel through his clothes. “You haven’t fucked me in so long, Avi… I’m having withdrawals.”

“I know.” He grabs my ass hard in two handfuls that have me grunting between his lips. “I should’ve just fucked you after that dance the other night…”

“Yea…” I whisper. “You should have. Oh, and P.S.… I’m wearing something special for you.” I grin, and he hums.

“Mmm… it better be my Christmakkah gift.” His fingers dig into my cheeks, and I’m trembling.

“Bare ass ready for you, baby,” I tease.

The way he growls is downright slaughtering me.

The elevator doors open while we’re still pawing at each other, and we force ourselves apart, scampering up the hall to his room.

“Fuck… Bridget,” I breathe while he fishes the room key out of his pocket, maneuvering around an obvious erection.

He shoots me a quick, nervous look, opening the door and peering inside.

“Bridget?” I call out, stomping around in search of any sign of my sister. But it doesn’t look like she’s here. “Bridges of Madison County??”

“Those nicknames are insane.” Avi chuckles, and I smirk at him.

“She must have left…” I bite my lip, sauntering up to him slowly. My hands glide up his chest, around his shoulders as I brush my crotch against his. Leaning in close to his ear, I flick the lobe with my tongue. “Bed. Now, please.”

“Baby…” he rumbles, almost hesitantly, and I just can’t figure out why he’s acting withdrawn and nervous.

At the party, sure. That made sense. But now? We’re alone. Alone is our thing.

Avi is never reserved when we’re alone. But right now, it’s like he’s pulling away.

His hands cup my jaw, and he stares deep into my eyes for a moment, chest moving with visible breaths. He’s searching for something in my eyes…

It has me looking away. “Unless you don’t want to…”

“What?” he rumbles as I pull away from him, turning my back because I don’t want him to look at me like that anymore.

Like he knows even my happiest moments are marred by underlying brokenness.

“Did I put too much pressure on you down there, or something?” I rub the back of my neck, shaking my head. Stupid idiot…

I don’t know how to be with a guy. I guess I should be playing it cooler?

Avi stomps up to my back and spins me around. “No. Absolutely not.” I try to look away again, but he grabs my face. “Hey… I love you. Kyran, I am so fucking proud of you for what did down there. I love you so damn much for doing that. I just want to make sure it’s not moving too fast for you. I mean, Kyran from a few weeks ago never would have kissed me in front of his teammates and his Coach…”

“I don’t wanna be Kyran from a few weeks ago,” I murmur quietly. “I want to be the Kyran I am when I’m with you. The real Kyran… who isn’t afraid anymore.”

Avi pouts, and then chews on his lip for a moment. I can’t distinguish what’s different between us… But there’s something, and it’s twisting me up in knots.

Should we have just stayed a secret?? Did I ruin everything again??

But before I can let the doubts keep growing, Avi loosens his tie, swooping it over his head and flinging it. Then he unbuttons his shirt, licking his lips while our eyes meld together in need.

Shrugging out of my jacket, I begin undressing with him, the only sounds in the room the rustle of clothing coming off and our mutual wanton breaths.

“I’m so fucking hungry for you…” he whispers, working on my belt and my pants while I slip out of my dress shirt.

“Please don’t stop.” I smoosh myself into him, grasping at his hair while my lips graze his throat.

“Don’t stop what…?” he rasps. The way his fingers slip my belt slowly through the loops has my dick aching against his.

“Anything… Everything,” I breathe. “Just don’t stop, Avi.”

“I won’t stop, baby,” he whispers.

My phone makes a noise in my pocket, and I pause sucking and biting on his neck to check it. “It might be Bridget. I just want to make sure she’s feeling okay.”

His eyes are awfully round as he watches me checking the new text. It is from Bridget.

The second I read it, the whole world slows down, clucking and chugging like an engine running out of fuel.

Fear grips the inside of my chest as my eyes slowly slide back up to Avi’s.

He’s really gnawing on his lip, though he pauses it long enough to mumble, “Is it… her?” My head moves in a subtle nod. “What did she say…?”

He’s staring at me, eyes shimmering something I’ve never seen on him before. Something I never wanted to see on him…

Something I’ve only ever seen from a handful of people.

Oh my God… He fucking knows.

He knows.

My legs want to give out, knees rattling and my fingers shaking as I manage to croak the words, “She said… I’m sorry for telling Avi.” My jaw tightens and my gaze drops back to the phone to read her text, word for word. “Please don’t blame him. It’s my fault. He deserves to know. I love you so much, Kyran… I just need you to be…” And I pause before breathing the word, “Okay.”

The pressure in my skull is blurring my vision as my phone slips from my fingers onto the floor with a clunk. I back up slowly.

“Kyran… Please,” he says, softly, like someone who’s trying to stop a vicious psychopath from attacking. “Let’s just talk about this. We can talk about it…”

“Talk about what…?” I mumble, covering my face with my hands, backing up farther. “There’s nothing to… talk about.”

My legs hit the couch, and I crash down onto it. Avi stomps over, kneeling on the floor before me. But I can’t look at him.

I don’t want to.

“Baby, just hear me, okay? Hear what I’m saying…” His hands grip my thighs, and he rubs them with his fingers. “This changes nothing. Nothing is different between you and me. I just… I just care about you, that’s all.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about…” I whimper into my palms, breathing lies all over the lines of my roadmap.

“Kyran, I’m sorry,” he gasps. “I’m sorry I found out from Bridget, and not from you. Baby, I understand why you didn’t want to tell me, but I’m trying to tell you that it doesn’t matter. I just love you, and I want you to feel safe with me.”

My hands whip away from my face fast and I glare at him. “Why wouldn’t I feel safe with you?? Are you fucking serious?! So what, just because… You think you know about something my sister told you happened, that means now I’m some fragile, wounded child?!”

He blinks, stunned, like he has no idea what to say.

I hate this. I fucking hate this!

This! This is why I didn’t want him to know, God-fucking-damnit!

Because now he’s looking at me like that.

“I used the wrong words,” he mumbles, shaking his head. “I fucked up. Okay? That wasn’t what I meant. I meant that I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. If you want to! Only if you want to. That’s it…”

My head won’t stop shaking back and forth, my eyes finding anything in the room to look at other than his face.

“Baby, listen to me…” Avi crawls up onto the couch, straddling my hips. Sitting on my lap, he grasps my face, forcing my eyes to his. “I love you, Kyran. I love you so fucking much, and that is never ever going to change. No matter what happens, no matter what I learn about you… Baby, you’re it for me. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved this way. Do you know how special that makes you??”

The thickness is my throat is making it hard to swallow. My mind is racing with thoughts of what he must be thinking… What my sister must have told him.

I don’t know what details he knows, or how much she said, but either way, it’s too much. I feel like a fucking idiot for thinking I could be happy, in a relationship with someone…

I should’ve known. I don’t deserve to be happy with him.

“Kyran,” he hums, and I blink hard. “Talk to me. Just tell me you’re okay…”

“Stop treating me different,” I whimper with tears threatening to push out of my eye sockets. “Stop… looking at me. I don’t want you to see how broken I am…”

“You are not broken.” He shifts on top of me, his movements almost panicked with how badly he’s trying to prove this to me. “You are the most badass person I’ve ever met. Are you kidding me?? You just won the fucking Rose Bowl. You did, Kyran Harbor. You just came out in front of your entire team, like a boss. No fucks to give. If you’re broken, then we should all be so fucking broken, because goddamn, Kyran… you’re incredible.”

My heart is jumping like crazy. I want to believe what he’s saying… I want to.

But now that I know he knows, it’s like everything has changed. I can’t stop feeling like he’s coddling me now, and I hate it.

This is my curse, my infinite burden that fucking scumbag saddled me with. As if it wasn’t enough… What he did to me. And now I have to walk around like this for the rest of my life, either holding in the truth, or worrying that the people who know will look at me like a victim.

I don’t know what to do, so I nod slowly, swallowing and swallowing like I’m afraid I might throw up.

“Babe… are you here with me?” Avi whispers, brushing his fingers through my hair.

I nod again. But I can’t speak.

“I love you,” he breathes, sealing himself to me with his lips in my ear.

Our chests bump together, and it moves my dick, reminding me of how badly I wanted to be naked with him before my stupid fucking past popped up to ruin it all.

Avi’s tongue grazes my earlobe, and then he sucks it between his lips, humming as his erection drags on mine through our pants.

“Tell me what you want right now…” He writhes into me. “Anything in the fucking world, and I’ll do it for you, gorgeous.”

Can you turn back time, Aviel??

I’m so fucking torn up. Part of me is devastated, but the other part just wants that luscious sex only he gives me… so badly I can’t even think.

“Can we… go into the bed?” I ask, forcing myself past it, fighting to ignore the truth hanging over us like a raincloud.

He nods, and slides off of me, taking me by the hand. He pulls me to stand, walking us over to the bedroom of his hotel suite, only letting go to shove his pants down his legs.

Crawling into the bed, he kneels, in nothing but his black boxer briefs, looking so fucking sexy, my dick is pushing against the front of my dress slacks. Avi slides his tongue over his full, pink bottom lip, watching me tentatively step closer until I’m at the edge of the bed. Then his fingers slowly push my already unbuttoned pants down over my ass, marveling at the jockstrap I’m wearing… The gift he gave me for Christmakkah.

I can’t even enjoy it… because I’m too up in my head.

I sniff, swallowing back the emotion and the doubt, working up the strength to ask him, “What did Bridget tell you… exactly?”

Avi’s face springs up to mine, giving me a nervous look while I remove my shoes, then step out of my pants.

“Babe, we don’t have to do this…” he says calmly.

My teeth grind together. “Just say it, Avi. Say the fucking words.”

Avi looks like an Avi I don’t know. Sad, angry, uncomfortable… So many things that aren’t the Avi I fell in love with, and it’s destroying me. I did this to him.

I ruined him with my truth.

The mound is his throat bobs before he murmurs, “She told me about the time she found you in the bathroom when you were twelve…”

My brows zip together, and I swallow a whimper. I can see that day… I can still see it, as if it just happened five minutes ago.

I’d gone through that entire morning and afternoon in a fog. My body was achy in different places, but I barely even noticed it because I felt numb. Like a lifeless husk shuffling through the day.

We’d packed up and left camp, and my friend Rob’s mom gave me a ride home. I went upstairs, stripped down, and immediately went into the bathroom. I turned the shower on and stared at myself in the mirror for minutes. But I didn’t recognize myself.

This isn’t you…

This is not your body.

Who is this person??

When I got into the shower, everything started to swim and I guess I passed out for a second, which is what sent Bridget bursting into the room.

She got me dressed, and brought me to her bedroom. It smelled like that candle…

The Avi candle.

She wrapped me in her comforter, and held me while I shook, and whispered…

“Something happened.”

“Kyran.” Avi slips his fingers through mine, bringing my hand over his heart. “Remember what I said, okay? You can tell me whatever you want, or you can not tell me shit. We can lie here in this bed together, or you can take my body and use it in any way you want to. We can order sushi, or we can watch The Departed… I’m telling you, I love you, Kyran Harbor. Anything in the world that you want, I will give to you. But not just right now… Always.”

My heart swells, pumping through its weak, diseased parts at the sheer love of this man. This man who is technically my family… But who loves me in a way my own family never has. And then some.

He loves me like a brother, and a friend. He loves me like the boyfriend I never thought I could have, because I thought it was wrong.

Avi Vega is everything I’ve ever needed…

I just wish I couldn’t tell that he sees me differently now.

Kneeling on the bed, I grab his face and kiss him slowly, reclining and pulling him on top of me. Avi sinks into me, settling his big, warm body between my legs and grinding his cock on mine through the material of both of our underwear.

I want him so badly right now. All I want, in the world, is for him to fuck me the way he has been. Like the fans are watching…

Our kisses are heating up, greedy mouths and curious tongues tempting and teasing as he slides his boxers down and kicks them off. He peers between us to admire the sight of me in the jock, my hard dick straining and pushing against it. His fingers slip over my cock, gripping and squeezing it while I mewl.

“I missed this big, sweet cock,” he rumbles into my mouth. “So huge, the jock can barely contain you, baby.”

I whimper while he continues to play with me, teasing my erection until my hips are lifting for more. Avi tugs the material aside, freeing my eager cock. Then he presses his up to mine. And when our dicks touch, we both groan, Avi’s hand circling them and jerking them together.

“Such a thick, beautiful cock,” he sighs, fingers playing with the skin around my head. “I missed how it leaks for me when I do this…”

He uses his thumb to tease my tip every time it pushes out, and I shiver, pulses of precum dripping from me all over his fingers. Using his left hand, he pushes the fat head of his cock up to where mine is peeking out. And then he stuffs it into my foreskin, like he’s feeding his cock mine.

His head tips back and he moans, going to town and really rubbing them together, like a seesaw of pleasure before he gives up, leaning down and taking my cock into his mouth.

He’s enamored by my uncut cock… I think it’s safe to say Avi’s always had a thing for it, but the way he stuffs his tongue inside and really swirls it around has my eyes rolling back in my skull. He’s almost brutal with how he stretches the skin back with his lips, slinking his tongue in and swirling it around my swollen head, sucking and sucking like he wants to get his whole mouth inside.

My toes are curling, fingers lacing in his hair while he grinds his dribbling cock all over my thigh. “Avi… B-baby…”

“Talk to me, gorgeous,” he rasps in between spearing his tongue into the skin around my crown. “Use your filthy mouth to tell me how you want it.”

“Ffuck…” My back arches, feeling an orgasm coming on already. So I stop him by yanking his hair. He pops off my dick with a groan. “I want your cock in me… Please.”

“Yea?” He sits back, flipping his mussy hair over to one side. “How?”

Reaching over to the nightstand, he picks up a tube of Astroglide, gazing down at me while my chest shudders.

“Push it in slow,” I whisper, and he bites his lip, soaking his fingers and rubbing it all over his dick. My eyes are stuck on this long, swollen piece of him as I rumble, “I want to feel the curve of that plush pink head on every inch of my insides… All those veins. Let my ass swallow them whole.”

Avi’s eyes fall shut, and he releases a shivering breath. Parting my legs wide, I lift my hips a bit, offering him my body, because I want him to have it. I need to make sure he knows… I’m his. Because I want to be.

“Baby, you are so beautiful,” he breathes, rushing his hands up my thighs, then my hips, caressing all the muscles in my torso. He grabs my hips hard, dragging me closer to him. I gasp, and he growls, kneeling between my legs and grinding into me so that our balls are rubbing together. He falls over me, kissing my lips while he positions his cock between my cheeks through the opening in my jock. “Nothing has ever made me has hard as knowing I get to fuck you, Kyran Harbor.”

Lashes fluttering, I tip back while he kisses and nips my throat, our bodies pressed together as he stuffs his slick cock up to my ass, nudging gently.

“Let me in this sweet, tight hole, baby,” he breathes, and I whimper. My hands are all over his shoulders and in his hair, and he grabs one, lacing our fingers. “You love me, don’t you?”

“I love you so much,” I choke, relaxing just enough for him to tunnel inside.

And I purr out a shaky sound, intoxicated by the burn of him entering me.

“Oh fuck, Kyran, feel it…” he rasps, pushing in more, slowly, just like I asked, stretching my body open for him. It’s euphoric, the way he lights my entire body on fire like the stroke of a match. “Feel my dick loving your ass…”

“Mmmffuuuck, Avi… Yes. Yes, baby, your dick is… good.” I have no idea what I’m even saying, all I know is that this is exactly what I’ve been missing.

He does that sexy, throaty chuckle, swiping his tongue over my lips. “It’s a good dick?”

I nod fast. “A very fucking good dick…”

Since the last time we were together, all I’ve thought about was doing this again. In fact, every second of every day since the first time he fucked me, all I’ve wanted was to feel him in me like this… Pumping me full in that painful stab of ecstasy that brushes on my sensitive spot and sends waves of booming thunder through my loins.

He’s barely halfway in and I feel like I could come. Because I do love this feeling… Whether I’m supposed to or not, I don’t care. It’s a wholeness, completion. I’m complete when he fucks me in the ass.

Avi is groaning and gasping above me, giving it to me slow, feeding me his inches with hair hanging in his face. I lift my free hand and hold his jaw, tugging his mouth to mine so I can cry his name between his sweet, soft lips.

He makes it all the way inside, the warm skin of his pelvis, with that sexy V of muscles tapping against my balls where he has them hanging out of my underwear. And my head flickers something at me… an awareness, floating back to the surface.

But I shake it away quick, biting down on his lower lip. “Only you, Avi…”

“You’re only mine, Kyran Harbor,” he whispers back right away, shifting his hips to lance my prostate with that burning hot, rock-solid muscle.

My entire body shivers. My stomach clenches, and my toes curl in my socks.

“Uhhmmfuck, fuck fuck fuck…” I sputter as my dick shoots off and I start coming.

Already. After like two seconds.

“Oh, baby, that’s so sexy.” He moves his hips just enough, letting me clench on his cock over and over while my dick sprays cum between us. “You can’t help but come with my cock in you, huh, love? You come so good with me in you…”

“K-keep g-going,” I stutter, slapping my hand onto his ass. “Keep fucking me. Make me c-come again.”

Avi growls, dropping his mouth onto my throat, biting and sucking while his hips move, stroking his dick in me as the high from an unexpected orgasm fizzles off. It feels like too much at first. I’m sensitive all over, my cock softening a bit while he ruts into me.

But his thrusts build me back up. His mouth trails down to my chest and he sucks on my nipples, licking up all the cum he can reach.

“As if you think I can’t.” He picks up the pace with a salacious curve to his lips. “I’ll make you come so many times you won’t be able to walk tomorrow.”

“Fuck, Avi,” I whine out hoarsely, lifting my hips so he can really pound me. “Baby, I love how you fuck me. Fuck me forever…”

“You drive me crazy, gorgeous thing,” he grunts, pace steadily increasing with each drive until he’s rocking into me so hard the mattress is moving. “I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you always…”

My dick is already filling back up quick, stiffening and swelling at the feel of his abs sliding on it. Lifting my hips, I wrap my legs around his waist and cling to him. Our bodies are sweating together, muscles straining, grunts and groans and the slapping of his skin against mine serenading us in salacious music.

My body is winding up again, and judging by the way he’s gripping the comforter and drilling into me, harder and harder, I’d say he’s probably close to coming himself.

His forehead drops to mine, our lips hovering.

“Avi…” I purr his name.

“Kyran,” he whimpers like he’s about to burst.

“I want more…” I take his hand and move it down. “In my ass. I want even more of you in me…”

“You’re so fucking hot, baby,” he whispers, slowly sliding his fingers down to where we’re joined. “You mean here…?”

I nod fast, going out of my mind with need. I just want so much more right now, and I can’t even understand it. I want his entire body inside me.

“If it hurts, tell me to stop,” he breathes, tracing a circle around his cock as it stretches me open.

But I think I want it to hurt. I want more of the burn, and I want it from him. He’s the only one…

Avi grabs the lube and squirts more onto his fingers, then mumbles, “Relax your muscles, baby…”

My head is spinning off my body as he touches his dick with his wet fingers, teasing where he’s sliding in and out. And I love him even more now for how he’s just being Avi.

He’s not different. He still loves me, and he’s not going soft on me. He’s giving me what I want, just like he said he would.

Avi’s fingers nudge at me, trying to sneak inside with his cock. But it’s not immediate. Not even close. It takes some going, and even then, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work until he leans back, lifting my hips up even higher so that my ass is resting on his thighs.

My legs are up in the air, calves on his shoulders. It’s kind of the most vulnerable position I’ve been in with him… Having my feet up by his head.

But then he tilts his face left and kisses my calf. And something about it mollifies me. The way he’s so intimate, even when we’re fucking dirty like this… it has me melting.

And then his fingers slip inside me. Two of them. With his dick.

“Ohh… oh fuck, Avi. B-baby…” I whimper, and he groans, kissing my leg some more.

“Goddamnit… fuck that feels incredible. You like being stuffed full of me, baby?”

“Yea… fuck yea. More…”

“More?”

“One more…”

“Okay… One more in your warm, tight cunt.”

“Fffuck! Avi, fuck me…” I’m choking, screaming, panting, and being way too loud.

His fingers stretch me open wide while his dick pumps in and out, driving my next orgasm right up to the surface.

“I’m gonna come in you, Ky,” he whines, gripping and pulling the elastic waistband of my jockstrap with his free hand as he moves in steady thrusts between my legs. “I’m gonna fill you deep…”

“Breed me,” I gasp.

And that’s it. Game over for Avi.

His eyes flutter shut, gnawing on his lower lip to keep in his sobs. I feel him bursting inside me, his dick swelling and throbbing as he pumps his cum deep into my body.

I fucking love watching him come… The way his muscles constrict and the way his lips shiver while he’s singing my name… The way his hips slow just enough for it to really feel like he’s working it out into me.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” I whisper, and he pulls his fingers out of my ass, prompting a gasp from my lips.

They’re all slick and shiny with lube, and his cum. And he brings them up to my cock, curling his fist around my erection and stroking me with the slow pumps of his hips.

“Come again for me, baby. I need you to… come again.” He falls over me, kissing my lips.

“I’m almost… th-there.” I kiss the words into his mouth, and he groans.

“Say it first, Kyran.”

“I… I love you,” I whimper, moving my hips forward and back, fucking his fist and riding against his dick, chasing my next orgasm that’s so fucking close. “I love you, Avi Vega.”

“Mmm… I love you so hard, Kyran Harbor.”

The climax rushes up. It crests, and it breaks, sending me tumbling once more. My dick shoots more cum onto my abs while Avi strokes it out, collapsing onto me as we breathe and hold each other, hearts hammering through our chests.

I’m warm. Warm everywhere… And tranquil, in a way that only Avi can make me.

See? This is specific to him.

He is the only one. He’s the first, and the only.

Shaking away my lingering uncertainties, I watch Avi with sleepy eyes as he pulls out of me, massaging my legs and my hips, gazing hypnotized at what I’m guessing is his cum dripping out of my ass. Then he eases himself down onto the bed by my side with a hum, wrapping his arms around my waist to pull me into him.

“Another mess?” I breathe, nestling up to his front, pressing soft kisses on his sternum.

He chuckles. “You know we’re very messy.” An easy grin settles on my lips while his fingers brush through my hair. “Kyran… Today was incredible, baby. Being with you is like a dream come true, and I mean that.”

The high from our sex is covering us like a shimmer of diamond dust, and I just want it to stay like this. I don’t want to ever lose this with him…

He peeks at me. “Do you believe me?”

There’s hesitation. I can’t help it, it’s just there. It’s the insecurity of knowing that he knows just how scarred I am. And I can’t fucking stand the nagging thought that won’t fucking go away…

He thinks he wasn’t really your first…

“Kyran, please…” His eyes shine with desperation. “Please don’t think this changes anything. It doesn’t. You’re mine, baby. I’m not giving you up, ever. No matter what.”

I nod subtly, believing him. Something’s shifted, I know it has. But it hasn’t stopped him from loving me, and I need to find solace in that.

“I really love you, Avi.” I kiss the truth onto his smooth skin. “I hope you know that.”

“I do,” his voice rumbles into me while he takes my hand. “I know.”

“Seriously,” I hum, peering up at him. “All you’ve ever done is open the door for me over and over… This broken, crumbled mess. And every time, you pull me in and sit there trying to glue me back together. And you didn’t even know why I was smashed to bits in the first place.” I shake my head, resting my cheek over his heart. “You’re like…”

“A masochistic Bob the Builder?” he rumbles, and I snort a laugh.

“Avi…” I start speaking, but my voice dries up in my throat when I see him, staring down at me with the most beautiful color of shining love in his eyes.

I know that he’s serious. That he loves me no matter what, and maybe he always will.

Maybe we could go the distance. Have a future… We’re still young, but it’s not impossible. And nothing would make me happier than to try with him.

But he doesn’t deserve uncertainty. He doesn’t deserve doubt. He doesn’t deserve to be handed the same broken pieces over and over again.

He deserves a whole person to love. Not someone who’s terrified of even speaking the truth to him.

I want to… I want to be able to cough up the words. To confide in him, like he said.

Avi, he… He…

But I can’t even say the words in my mind. How am I ever going to say them out loud??

The most I can get out is his name. “Avi…”

And he blinks his pretty eyes at me, long, dark lashes fluttering in wait.

But still… I’m only just putting my shoes on. Never making it out the door.

So I whisper, “I love you.” Because it’s the only truth I can get out right now.

And Avi takes it, because he’s sweet, and sincere, and he loves me.

I feel him falling asleep with his lips in my hair, his calming breaths lulling me, just like my sister’s did that day, the same scent enveloping me.

I’m in a place I never thought I’d be… Comfortable, finally, with my sexuality. Avi is the one who helped me get there. My biggest fan.

I’ve finally stopped running from it… from him, and his love.

It might be time that I also stopped running from myself.