Chapter 10

Edited

Alex's POV

Scream

It sucks when you want to scream, but then you realize you're stuck in a lifeless dream. Your echoes scratch the surface of your tongue but the parting of your lips silence it. Nothing can compare to the wall built between society and I. I'm shrieking for existence. I'm yelling until my throat has gone hoarse to be set free from the skin that tightens around my soul. My lungs are clogged with carbon dioxide, dissolving the oxygen that I'm trying so hard to obtain. My eyes are bloodshot from the constant battle I have with my tears. I can't seem to win with my need to spill every emotion from my mouth like bile.

I'm holding onto a thin string, waiting for someone to see me hanging off the edge. But they're blinded by the constant fines and okays. How long can I really believe that? Deep down, I know I need someone, anyone. A stranger or a friend.... an enemy or someone who'd listen until the end. I keep this visade of a strong, content girl, but my heart is a punching bag taking blows from the words of those who don't understand. I'm constantly told to just "get over it." or "be happy with your life, it's not that bad." No, my life is a waterslide compared to other's. It's not hard. But my mind is an asylum, putting up bars to hold me back from ever seeing light in my constant darkness.

So, I shove my emotions to the back of my heart and hope no one tries to touch them. But there is always that one stupid, unreliable person who tries to bring them to the surface and force me to empathize with them. Such foolish people... I push them away, locking them out of my dark maze into a world of madness and guilt. I silence them, forcing them to hide behind the loud cries that cloud my thoughts. I'm left alone, a disconnected voice traveling between conversations. I'm talked about but never looked at. I'm seen, but never heard. I'm a ghost, traveling this world alone. It sucks when you want to scream but there's no one there to listen. There's no one there to see.

It's dreadful to want someone so badly, but they aren't yours to have. Elias was never going to be mine to keep. He played a key role to push me beyond my boundaries, but maybe that's all he was. His part was small with a few key lines to get me in the right direction of my future. He's a pause in all the craziness of my life. I've lived my life playing on the edge of cliffs, testing my willingness to fall, but Elias was holding me by a thread. Maybe he's the key to locking up my insanity- even just for a moment.

Dr. Rodgers thinks it's pitiful that I want to rely on someone to fix me (though he says there is nothing to fix, because I'm "perfect" just the way I am). He didn't understand though. I wanted so desperately to be normal, even if it meant giving up my insanity and dark secrets. Because I'm tired. I'm tired of the weight I carry on my shoulders and I just wish someone would hear my silent screams. I wish someone would offer me their hands because my pride doesn't allow me to ask for help. Only accept it.

But how could I ask Elias to be that person? How could I ask anyone? It was selfish and I knew deep down that I needed to continue on my own. I didn't need help... I didn't deserve it.

Thinking as far as last June, Elias Rios was a an out-right jerk who flirted with any pretty face who glanced his way, but in a matter of of a few weeks, we became friends. My stomach summer-salted as his face appeared in my mind. Alex, don't kid yourself. He's a player and you know it. Once he's had his fun with you, he'll leave. I hit my head on my bedside in frustration. Hoping to rid my thoughts, I slipped deep under my sheets and sung to myself, hoping I'd fall asleep.

They say that love is forever, your forever is all that I need...

* * * * * * * * * *

"Alex wake up!" Sam yelled in my budless ear. I sat up in a quick panic, not used to the high-volume 'Sam alarm'. Her and Chris fell back laughing at the surprised disfigure of my face in the morning. Growling, I threw a pillow at their faces. My best friends were of the rare 'asshole' breed.

"Seriously?" I groaned, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, "how the hell did you get in?" Sam dangled a silver chain in my face with a pink key hanging off the end.

"I have your spare key?"

Of course she did.

"You know, when I said 'Mi casa es su casa' it was a figure of speech," I sassed. Sam shoved me off the bed and I landed with a thump. Sighing, I lied on the floor and let the coolness of wood wake me before sitting up.

"You better have a good reason for waking me up on a Saturday morning," I pouted, crossing my arms in defeat. Ignoring me, Sam flipped through my closet, throwing random articles of clothing onto my bed. Chris hopped onto my bed, taking my place in the warm vacancy I was content in two minutes ago.

"Well I thought we could all go to the mall before Chris and the band goes to rehearsal," she yelled from my bathroom. She came back with my toothbrush, forcing it into my mouth. Sighing, I slipped out of bed and finished brushing my teeth in the bathroom. Sam came in and placed my clothes on my toilet seat. I dressed into a pair of dark blue, jean shorts, a black and grey baseball shirt and a grey beanie. Before walking out, I slipped on my checkered Vans and headed to the kitchen to see Sam and Chris pigging out.

"Thanks Mrs. Santos!" Chris mumbled through his bites. Laughing, I grabbed a piece of toast and shoved it into my mouth. We walked out to Chris's old red truck and listened to his sad engine choke and girgle before finally hauling us to Westfield Mall.

As soon as we pulled up to the mall, we hurried in and began our long two hour stroll through the stores. Sam was more of the fashionista than I was so I let her pick out my clothes. I would live the rest of my life in sweats and T-shirts if she'd let me, but to her, appearance was everything. Chris and I both sighed as we got dragged into the dress shop. It was a large two-story place with a million different, cheap dresses on both floors. They ranged from Tumblr Girl to Gothic Beauty. But nothing in this store would satisfy my tastes.

"Bet we'll be in this one for the next hour," Chris whispered to me, hoping she wouldn't hear. She shot him a glare, letting him know she heard. Chuckling, Chris and I headed to the accessory section of the store. While Sam tried on dresses, we played with glasses and hats to see who could come up with the most outrageous look.

"How about these?" I asked showing off a pair of pink dollar sign glasses and a bedazzled fedora. He threw his head back in laughter. His tongue slipped between his lips as he browsed the turning racks. His face lit up as he put together his final masterpiece.

"No I think these are better," he chuckled. He flipped his hair from his face to reveal a pair of purple butterfly kid glasses with a Peter Pan inspired pirate hat with a long yellow feather. He won. We both laughed so hard, I swore my abs were starting to take shape. We walked back to the dress section to find Sam. She had about seven dresses hanging on her slender arm.

"Are you guys finished," she snickered. Smiling, we nodded and followed her to the cashier.

"Alright, we should get going or Elias will kill me," Chris said pulling on Sam's hand. He took her bags and hurried to the car. Chris was the perfect gentleman towards Sam, and her only. He kept the bar raised for every guy who tried to compete for her heart. They just never quite made it to Chris' level of amazing. He was perfect for her. Shaking my head, I followed behind and hopped into the back with the bags.

We pulled up to Elias's house to see everyone's cars already in the driveway.

"Hey!" Lexi said as she hugged me. For as little as she was, her hugs were like a death grip.

"Hey," I gasped for air. Lexi let out an angelic laughter before skipping off to Tyler. I looked around the garage and spotted Austin leaning against the brick wall. He wore a black shirt that defined every muscle on his torso and dark blue jeans that fell over his black Doc Martins.

"You look nice," he smiled hanging his arm over my shoulder. Smiling, I followed him into the garage to see Elias tuning his guitar. I stared down at him, taking in every angle of his face and how effortless it seemed for him to tune an instrument. Taking a deep breath, I sat beside him. He looked up, gave me a quick smile, then returned to his business. My smile faded, a pit of disappointment growing in my chest.

"Hey, do you need any help tuning the other guitars?" I asked trying to make conversation. It took him a while before he replied.

"No, Austin can do it," He stood up and walked to the stage leaving me there dumb founded. My face fell into a grimace as I slipped my bag off and left it on the couch. Sam sat next to me with a bag of Lays chips for us to munch on.

"Okay, so we've been working on this one for a while, but Elias has been working on his high notes so we aren't really sure how well it'll sound," Austin teased. Elias smirked at him before diving into his escape. He played the guitar with little effort and easily let the words slip out of his mouth creating an ethereal sound. I tried hard to keep my gaze on Austin, but Elias was the heart of the song. He made it so hard for others to be seen because he was like the small glowing star in the middle of a million dimmed ones. Even Sam was staring.

She comes as she goes

If she stays, I'll never know.

I felt shivers run up and down my spine as my eyes locked into place.

"Wow you guys were amazing!!" Sam cheered. I let out a long sigh, not realizing I had been holding my breathe. The band looked at each other, pleased with their performance. Lexi high-fived her brother and skipped towards Tyler. Austin grabbed a water and fell onto the couch.

"How'd you like it?" He asked breathing heavily. Sweat beads were building up on his forehead, gliding down his perfectly chiseled cheekbones.

"It was pretty awesome," I chuckled rubbing his face with a towel I found. I could feel him smiling into the towel. He grabbed it from me to finish the job. I glanced around looking for Elias, but he disappeared. I slipped out of the garage to find Elias sitting quietly on the curb. His black hair hung over his face, the tips damp with sweat. He took large gulps from his water as he stared off to the quiet homes across the street. I sat beside him, hoping he'd acknowledge me. He stayed still as though my existence was just the wind blowing past. Again, he waved off my existence. Struggling for words, I attempted to start a conversation.

"Your singing has gotten really good," I said. "Today's session was amazing." A smile cracked, but he refused to look at me.

"Thanks," he whispered. We stared out to the distance for a long time, each of us trying to figure out what to say. I wanted the silence to be filled with yelling, singing, or sadness... anything but this painful silence. But Elias decided to fill it with awkwardness.

"Do you like me?" He finally looked at me with cold eyes and pursed lips. He seemed angry at himself for asking such a question. I could feel the bile building in my throat, trying to find an answer to his ridiculous question.

"No," I lied. "What made you think that?" I had never confessed my feelings to anyone, and today would not be the day. Not even to him. He sat still. His emotions didn't shift an inch. He blinked a few times, shaking his head.

"I just thought... I don't know. I was just guessing." He rubbed the back of his neck, seeming to be at a loss of words. His eyes deepened into a warm cinnamon color. He looked just as confused as I felt. I didn't want to feel anything. I didn't want him to know how much I was struggling to keep my heart from jumping out of my chest. My cheeks turned into fire as I tried to pick out the right words to say.

"I don't," I took a deep breath, "I did... but I don't anymore." I continued to carry on half the fabrication. His expression fell, not able to follow my logic.

"So before you know me, you liked me?" The way he said it made me sound moronic. It didn't make sense. I didn't expect him to understand my logic. I only wanted him to know the truth, even if it was only half of it.

"Yeah, uh I guess..." What difference would it make? At the end of the day, he'd still be with Victoria. And I'd be alone.

"Why don't you like me now?" He questioned. Because deep down, I know I'm not good enough for you. I couldn't let him in the way he wanted. I couldn't be that confident girl who didn't care if she got rejected because I wasn't and I did. Telling him wasn't a choice. It was a death sentence.

"Because I got to know you, and we got so close and I don't want to ruin our friendship," I rambled on.

Such a stupid girl I was to believe he'd ever feel the same. Why would he. I was a nobody.

Elias's POV

I wasn't sure how to feel. She liked me. But doesn't anymore? How does that work? Girls confused me. Something in the pit of my stomach wished she still felt that way. Maybe then I could get my feelings under control. I wanted to understand... I wanted to see my feelings clearly replicate on her face, but she only wanted a friendship. Nothing more.

"Okay, I get it," I smiled staring into her hazel eyes. They were filled with hope and desire, something I wanted to contribute to. My heart ached, but I wouldn't let her see it, not yet. A smile formed on her lips in relief.

"Okay so we're good?"

"Of course," I laughed giving her an uncomfortable side hug. Standing up, I pulled her toward the garage, swinging my arm around her shoulders. Friends. We could be nothing more than friends. We walked inside to see everyone playing Candy Land. Damn kids. We sat on the couch and watched Sam beat everyone else three times in a row.

We sat on the couch while everyone circled the board game on the dirty carpet. Alex hunched over, keeping her head up with her arm propped on her knee. Her eyes were growing heavy, but she was fighting to stay away. I sat close, our knees barely touching.

"Sam, hurry up and win again! I'm tired," Alex complained, yawning.

"Sure, sure... Hell yes! Austin is banished to Lord Licorice's castle!" She shouted, moving Austin's Blue Kid to the black space in front of the castle.

"Whatever," Austin pouted, rolling his eyes. Alex, sighed, laying back onto the couch. Her arms were crossed against her chest was she was beginning to lose patience. I leaned in towards her, patting my shoulder.

"Just lie down," I told her. She looked from me to my shoulder in hesitation, but she was too tired to argue. She lied her head gently against my shoulder. I could smell her strawberry shampoo as she nuzzled closer to me. It didn't matter what she said. I couldn't help but feel the way I did. She was like a jump cable shocking my heart to life whenever her skin brushed against mine.

God, she was beautiful. She was the type of beautiful you never saw in movies or read in books. She was the type of beauty you heard in music. Just music. No lyrics, just the background instruments that are rarely paid attention to until the words vanish. She was the type of beauty you had to look for and learn about. And this frightened me because I found her, but I couldn't have her. She was someone else's and so was I.

Chris winked at me, blowing kisses my way. I flipped him off, but cracked a smile. Austin glared, jealousy dripping from his big ego. Snickering to myself, I looked back down at Alex. Her face was soft, no sign of stress etched in her skin. Sleep did this to people. It got rid of all the bad things life threw at us. Sleep washed away Alex's uneasiness that I saw when she was cooped up alone with her journal. She looked peaceful, happy.

"Sorry to ruin your little moment, but we have to take her home," Sam yawned. I tried waking her, but she was in a deep slumber. Just as I was about to get up to carry her, Austin swooped her into his arms, taking her away from me. I could feel the empty space beside me fill with cold air, sending chills down my spine.

"I've got her," Austin said, effortlessly carrying her. She nuzzled close to his chest, looking more peaceful with him than she did with me. I clenched my jaw, hoping to contain the anger that rippled through my veins. I sat back onto the couch, running my hands through my hair. I stared at the small stage Austin, Lexi and I built together. We were just kids then. No goals and no aspirations. No girls because at twelve, we were still convinced they had cooties. We were allowed to be stupid and naiive. We didn't need to worry about our futures.

"I'm going inside. Need anything JJ?" Lexi asked from the side door.

"Nah, I'll be go in a few," I smiled. After closing the garage, Lexi slipped inside. I couldn't tell Alex I liked her unless I wanted to look like a fool. I couldn't admit it to her while I was still with Victoria. I loved her. She was clingy and a pain sometimes, but she and I were friends once. So, how could I leave someone I loved for someone I liked? But Alex wasn't Victoria. She wasn't a girl you could meet multiple times in your life. She... made me feel something. She made me want to be a better version of myself. But what was the- thump.

I looked down next to me to see a small Batman book bag fallen over next to my feet. There were an array of buttons pinned to the bag. Alex. Several books poked out, but one stood out to me. It was an ordinary notebook decorated with stickers, but this journal was special. I recognized it as Alex's writing journal.