Chapter 11

Edited

Elias's POV

I continued to flip through her journal, feeling slightly guilty. Most girls I knew just wrote about how much their life sucked or 'OMG-ing' over their latest crush. Not her. Her writing exposed everything about her. Each page was like uncovering a layer of her and what she thought about. Her words painted a vivid picture, were creating a movie in my head. It was as though it was telling me her story. There were ink-filled emotions dripped from the pages. For the first time, I could feel someone else's emotions and what made it better was that it was hers. I stayed up for hours memorizing each piece, each curving letter.

The word monster came up a few times. She talked about death like it was her friend. She talked about battle wounds, scars, and a never ending cycle of pain. What made someone who seemed so perfect, feel so insecure? My hands ran up and down my face, trying to ease my frustrations. I wanted to understand how a world of a 12-year old girl could crumble at her feet without making a sound or a dent in the world. She was convinced no one would stay if she confessed to her insanity... to her constant need to play with death. It hurts... knowing someone could feel this way.

I slipped the journal back into her bag and tip-toed to my room. I placed it on my computer chair and dragged my sleepy limbs into bed.

Alex's POV

"Where is it?" I yelled frantically. I pushed through the piles of clothes on my floor, but couldn't find my journal.

"What's going on?" Nick asked. He stood sloppily by the door frame, a bag of hot Cheetos in hand.

"I can't find my journal," I grumbled. I lied exhausted on the carpet, staring at the opening under my bed. I sat up and climbed onto my bed, Nick joining me.

"Want me to help?" He offered munching on the Cheetos. It was a rare sight for him to be so nice.

"No, I'll see if Sam has it," I sighed. Now that I remember, I slipped it into my bag before leaving to the mall, but I don't remember bringing it in. Without a reply, he jumped off my bed and waddled out, leaving a few crumbs behind. I grabbed my phone and dialed Sam's number.

"Hello?" Sam yawned on the other line.

"Hey Sam, have you seen my journal?"

"No, you might have left it at Lexi's," the answer I was dreading. What if Elias saw it? Oh, no. My heart raced. I hung up and grabbed a spare bag. Grabbing my brother's skateboard, I hurried toward Elias's. When I got there I saw Victoria's bright red car sitting outside. I gagged playfully to myself before going to the front door.

"Hey Alex! What are you doing here?" Lexi answered the door. There was no trace of make-up on her ghostly face. She was dressed in her Minnie mouse shorts and T-shirt.

"I Think I left my bag her last night," I said. A laughing sound came from behind Lexi, catching me off guard.

"Oh! Come in, we can look for it," She smiled looking over her shoulder and the leaned closer to me, "Sorry, about them two. This chick comes over early every Sunday to play video games with Elias," Lexi sighed rubbing her head. I nodded unsure what she was saying until we walked by the living room. Elias was sitting at the edge of the couch, Victoria snuggled closely into his side.

They were both so into the game, they didn't even realize I was there. Lexi pulled me past them and toward her room. I walked in and sat on her bed while she went through her room, looking for my journal. I sighed staring at her girlie room. My mom never liked the fact that I wasn't really into this stuff. Everything was pink and pretty while my room almost reassembled my brother's except for the fact mine was more music based.

"You might have left it in the garage," Lexi smiled from her closet. I followed her to the garage and helped her look around.

"Hey Lexi I-" Elias looked taken aback to see me. "Oh, hey Alex. Didn't know you were here." He coughed, clearing his throat. I awkwardly smiled and waved.

"Yeah, I just came to get my bag, but we can't seem to find it," I sighed, looking around hoping it will magically appear. "Do you happen to know where it is?" I asked. He scratched the back of his neck, his eyes darting around the room.

"What is she doing here?" Victoria snarled at the sight of me. I smiled at her, hoping my kindness would set her off. When she hung out with Elias alone, she always looked like one of the nice girls...But then she'd see me. She wasn't the nice girl when I was in the room. She was anything but. Elias glared at her for a moment before disappearing. Then he reappeared, my black bag in hand.

"Thanks," I sighed in relief. I took it from him, stuffing it into my other bag. "Thanks Lexi. I should probably get going," I smiled, hugging her.

"We were just about to go get something to eat, want to come?" Elias blurted out. Victoria huffed, crossing her arms in a way that made it seem like I was taking her favorite doll from her. Her Elias Doll.

"Uh no it's okay, I don't want to ruin your Sunday plans," I laughed, slowly backing out the door.

"You aren't, Lexi is usually a third wheel anyways. You can keep her company," He half smiled. Lexi seemed pleased at his request. I shifted my weight in hesitation. Did I really want to spend lunch with Elias and his tarantula girlfriend? Not really.

"Sure," I gave in. Lexi jumped in excitement, grabbing my arm. Before leaving, she changed quickly into a pair of jean shorts and a red singlet. We all hopped into Elias's car, Victoria reserving the front seat. They fussed the whole way about the radio. I got so agitated, I ended up listening to my iPod the entire way.

The biggest difference between them was their musical taste. It doesn't seem like much, but I thought it made a huge difference in a relationship. To me, music was everything so I didn't think many people would understand why I found an interest in people who had the same musical taste. I got lucky when I met Sam. We were like twins who were separated at birth. If it wasn't for music, we'd probably have hated each other. There was a gap or two between our middle school social classes. But somehow, we realized we had the same preference for music. We've been inseparable ever since.

"Can't you just change it to ninety-eight point six? Chris Brown is supposed to be going live in a few minutes," She complained. I rolled my eyes reaching for the radio and tuning it mute.

"If you guys can't choose, then don't listen to music," I grumbled sitting back in my seat.

"This has nothing to do with you Alex, so stay out of it," Victoria growled, turning to look at me. I rolled my eyes and stared out the window. Lexi seemed shocked, but kept quiet.

"Just leave it mute," Elias sighed heavily. I glanced at the rear view mirror, catching Elias's gaze. My eyes darted away, scared he'd see my guilt. But instead of him finding guilt, I found concern wrinkled in his forehead. I shook away my own worriness and felt a wave of relief when we pulled up to McDonald's.

"I'm starving!" Lexi said jumping out of the car. I followed behind, and reserved a booth for us by the playground. While they ordered, I watched a few kids play innocently in the jungle gym. I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I tried to picture myself as a kid again. I had vague childhood memories but I was still able to conjure up a smaller me in my head and watched her play happily and uncorrupted.

Remember when you were young and innocent? Remember how fast that changed? You practically ruined her life by being so selfish. How is it your still smiling? But just look how excited they are for the future. Wait until they realize life isn't all they had hoped for. It'll be such a disappointment to see those kind smiles fade into a thin line of struggle and sadness.

"You okay?" Elias's voice startled me. I looked up to see him with a pile of food on his tray.

"Yeah, just dazed off for a moment," I half smiled scooting over. Victoria seemed displeased with my action, but didn't argue and slumped next to Lexi. I picked at the food, suddenly losing my appetite.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Lexi mumbled through her food. I felt embarrassed as I slid out of the booth.

"I don't eat beef."

"Oh, I didn't know," Elias said dumb-founded.

I didn't want Elias to feel bad, so I smiled. "It's okay! I have some money anyways." I grabbed some loose change from my bag and waited in line. As I was about to pay for my food, another hand slipped in. I looked up to see Austin smiling down at me.

"Here," He said handing the cashier his card.

"It's fine-"

"I already paid. You can just pay me back later," He smiled taking his card. Blushing, I took my tray and followed him out to the rest of the gang. Tyler was squeezed between Lexi and Victoria, his arm hanging around Lexi's shoulders. Chris was sitting next to Elias messing around with their kid's meal race cars. I laughed as Elias took his car and ran it around Chris's hair, causing it to stand at odd angles. Austin and I sat in a booth behind them.

"Didn't tell them about your twenty-five percent vegetarism?" Austin chuckled staring at the tray in the middle of Elias's table.

"I didn't think about it," I smiled sheepishly. Elias's grin fell when he looked back at us.

"So what are you all doing here?" Austin asked taking large bites from his burger.

"Well it was supposed to be Elias's and I's Sunday date, but that was ruined," Victoria sighed picking at her nails.

"More the merrier though!" Tyler chuckled shaking her hair. She slapped his hand away, fixing her precious strands. Giggling, I pulled apart my chicken strips and watched the smoke rise from my little bits of happiness. Elias turned around in his seat, taking a piece of chicken.

"Hey!" I pouted, "That's mine!" He slipped it into his mouth and smirked devilshly.

"Whoops, do you want it back?" He said, opening his mouth to show a soggy mess sitting on his tongue. Scrunching my nose in disgust, I threw a fry at his face. He gasped and did the same to me. Elias grabbed a handful and started flicking them one by one. Laughing, I grabbed my own and started chasing him around the jungle gym along with the others. We started attacking each other, causing all the younger kids fleet. It felt good to be a kid again, even if it was for just a few moments. I chased Elias up the stairs and into a portal that was shaped into a race car.

"Ha! You're trapped!" I wiggled my eyebrows as I threw my last few strands of amo into his face. Chuckling, he crawled toward me and poured a container of fries on my head. I looked at him with hard eyes, and pouted.

"But I still had more amo," he winked and kissed my cheek before leaving. I shook the fries off my hair and followed him out of the portal. I chased him back to the stairs until we realized we were the only two left. I looked out one of the windows to see the rest of the gang back at the table. Suddenly, Elias pulled my leg and dragged me into another portal. His hand covered my mouth, muffling my screams.

"Hey that's unfair," I giggled, pushing him away. We sat in the portal and stared down at everyone beneath us. A silence fell over us as we began to daydream.

"Alex... I need to tell you something," Elias whispered. I looked over to see him playing with his thumbs. I crawled closer to him, putting my hand on his knee.

"What is it?"

His voice started shaking. That's when I knew he did something terribly wrong.

"I read your journal," Elias confessed.

My nails dug into his jeans as though I was holding on for dear life. I felt everything in me was about to fall apart and I lost the one person who was supposed to fix it.

"How could you?" I yelled, feeling tears threatening to escape. He knew too much. He pulled the thread at the seams of the girl I fought so hard to build. She was falling apart. What he saw now was the child who waged a war against death and failed.

"Alex, here me out," he shouted back at me. He looked at me with an expression I knew too well. It was the same face my dad revealed to me for the first time sober. It was the anger and sadness churned into a maddening medley of misunderstanding and concern. Why? How could you do something like this? How could you do this to me?

"I don't want to hear it," My voice shook with a fear I thought I overcame years ago.

"Please, Alex-"

"No! This is none of your business, Elias!" I shouted as I jogged down the stairs. "I'm none of your business." I felt the warm touch of his fingers graze my arm, but I pulled away.

I don't want his comfort. Not after knowing he read the book that binded me to my sanity.

I ran past the group, trying to catch my breath.

"Alex!" I heard Austin call after me. I blocked him out and forced my legs to pump along the gravel. I wanted to keep running. I didn't want to face this. I didn't want to be forced to admit to all my sins I spent the last few years burrying beneath pages of poetry and journal entries.

I ran until I found a vacant alley. I ran in and sat against the walls. I could feel my heart beating angrily against my chest, cursing me for not giving them enough oxygen. I pulled my legs up to my chest, and concentrated on my breathing. But I couldn't remember how. I didn't want to feel this way. But Elias knew parts of me I wanted to hide.

"Alex?" I heard a voice call out. I looked up through blurry eyes to see Austin towering over me. His eyes were pierced with a sadness I didn't want him to feel. He knelt beside me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulders. He ran his thumb against my cheeks, ridding them of the tears that broke my skin.

"What happened?" He asked. I wanted to tell him, but telling him would mean the world would have one more person who knew the disaster that made up my anatomy.

"Nothing, I'm fine," I lied. He slipped beside me and pulled me into his lap.

"Okay, I won't force you to tell me," He whispered into my hair. I felt hurt and angry. Elias had no right to open that journal. He had no right to know those parts of me. I wanted to tell him... eventually. But not yet. It was too soon and I was not ready to give up the only grip I had on the world.

I sat in Austin's warm embrace until I found the courage to stand again. I shook off the grimace, and morphed my face back into the happy girl everyone knew and loved. It was time to start my role again. No more sad Alex.

"Are you ready to go back?" He asked, still holding me by the shoulders. I nodded and breathed. My steps to survival. He kept his arm dangled around me as we walked back to McDonald's.

"Hey I've got to get some new strings for my guitar, want to come and help me?" Austin asked.

"Sure," I smiled following him to his car.

"Where are you going?" Elias asked, spitting in Austin's direction. His eyes looked just as worn out as mine. He must've been upset because Victoria looked like she was going to eat me alive.

"I'm going to help Austin, I'll see you guys in English tomorrow," I waved. Elias glared at me before storming to his car. My heart plumetted, but I couldn't let him get to me. I couldn't give into him. I jumped into the passenger seat and waited for Austin to get in.

"Where's Tyler?" I asked looking at an empty seat.

"With Lexi," Austin chuckled as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I turned up the radio and blasted Paramore's Misery Business. Austin gasped, fanning himself with his hand. I glanced up at him, giggling to myself. He was fangirling. It was funny to watch Austin try so hard to imitate her vocals, but I had to admit he was pretty good. I hummed along, too scared to sing aloud with him.

We pulled up to Guitar Center and headed inside. I always liked the gush of wind that whipped through when I opened the doors to the large store. My eyes zoned into the beautifully polished guitars and felt a force pull me toward them. I placed my hand on one and pulled it of its stand, strumming the strings and creating an uneven melody that warmed my insides. I never had an exact reason to play guitar. I just did it. I loved music. Hearing the word 'guitar' made me light up. I think it was the fact that I had the ability make music that really encouraged me to play. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, but after long hours, I was able to play.

"Did you want something?" Austin asked startling me. I placed the guitar back down on its stand.

"No, just looking," I grinned and followed him to the cashier. After he payed, we headed toward the car and drove to my place.

"I got this for you," he said tossing me a small bag. I opened it up to see a silver chain with a metal pick hanging on the end with Music isn't made, it's met. Engraved in tiny letters. I smiled and leaned over to hug him, but instead I felt his lips crash onto mine. A shock sparked through my body as his lips pushed forward. My mind was clouded with so many thoughts, that I had a hard time functioning my actions. His hands cupped my cheeks while my hands slipped around his neck. Our lips moved in sync, still causing violent butterflies. He pulled away slowly, our foreheads leaning against each other.

"Your welcome," he whispered, breathing heavily. I cleared my throat and hurried out of the car.

"Thanks for everything," I smiled, waving. He chuckled to himself before pulling out of the driveway.

Fazed, I hurried into the house and slipped quietly into my room. I leaned back against my door, sliding onto the floor. I could still feel my heart skipping several beats from that surprise kiss. I felt a sudden guilt grow in the pit of my stomach. What if Elias found out? I looked down at my phone to see I had missed a few calls from him after I had put it on silent. I tapped the screen, not sure if I wanted to talk to him yet. After our whole episode, I wasn't sure if I was ready to face him. I was still angry, but Austin's kiss put out the fire that was blazing. I touched his picture and watched the screen blink as it called him.

"Alex?" A raspy voice answered in alarm.

"Hey, you called."

"Of course I called. What the hell happened?" He shouted, fear lurking in his voice. "Alex, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Elias, stop apologizing." I exasperated. I lied back in bed, dangling the chain in front of me.

"I don't know what else to do, I'm just really sorry," His voice had gone hoarse. The fire that once was flaring was now completely out. I sat up, feeling my own eyes start to shake. I breathed slowly, closing my eyes shut. I could forgive, but I wasn't going to forget.

"We can talk about it tomorrow." There was a long pause, a silence we were both too comfortable with.

"Okay, goodnight Alex."

"Goodnight, Elias," I whispered. I slipped into my pajamas and grabbed my journal and pen. I sat on my bed, finding it harder to figure out what to write. I can imagine Elias sitting beside me, reading the same words he read in privacy. I didn't like the feeling of being watched. I looked at my imaginary Elias, and shook him away from my thoughts. I placed my pen on the blank sheet, scribbling down my thoughts in a cursive font.

Love: Heart vs Mind

There are three simple words 'I love you'. We say these words to people we know, but never truly care for them. We disgrace the true meaning of love when we say it to people who have hurt us and have left bruises and scares along our broken hearts. Love has been disgraced in many aspects, but someone told me that love was oxygen leaving the brain and it had nothing to do with the heart. So why is it that my heart beats quickly when I'm around him? Why does my heart feel warmer when I think about him? My heart beats steadily when I hear his name. But along with the heart beating comes a smile. A smile that lifts at the sound of his voice. Where the brain comes in is the thoughts I have of him before I sleep and once I wake. The brain comes in when I have visual memories or dreams. That's when the brain comes into play with the feeling of being loved. So don't tell me the heart doesn't play a key role because without it, we would be left with a spirilling black hole.

I placed my notebook under my bed, and drifted off into a soundless sleep of confusion and heartache.