Chapter 12

Edited

Alex's POV

"So how do you feel about that?" Dr. Rodger yawned. Because he was so used to me skipping out, he had become disinterested in my problematic life. At the moment I was discussing the events that occurred between Austin and I.

"Frustrated, I guess?" I was unsure. I sighed and tried to explain my feelings. "I'm just not sure how to react. Should I care what Elias thinks? Should I act on my feelings toward Austin? I'm confused completely by my emotions toward them. What if I choose one and end up losing the other..." No. That couldn't be an option. They were both too important to me.

"Do they know how you feel?" He asked scribbling in his notebook. I thought about it and shuttered.

"Yes and no," I sighed, rubbing my cold hands together. "Elias thinks I've stopped liking him, but I lied. I was scared."

"Why?" He actually seemed interested as he shifted his position in his seat to get closer to me. I thought for a moment, trying to conjure up an answer.

"Because I cannot fathom the idea of him ever feeling the same way." It was something that was more of a joke than a serious idea. Elias Rios was someone who deserved better than a girl who can barely look at herself in the mirror without losing herself in its broken shards.

"You're scared of rejection." He said, looking up from his notebook. He looked at me bewildered, as though he'd discovered the core of my problems. My fear of rejection was the least of them. I choked back tears as I listened to my conscious spit words into my innocent ears. Trouble. Ugly. Useless. Messed up. Insane.

"I...uh... it's the same. Nothings' changed. Even after the incident, even after all the sessions, I'm still the same." I thought therapy would fix me. I thought the constant hours of writing and talking and screaming would somehow mend the scars.

"And what's wrong with that? From what I know you're a pretty amazing girl, Alex. I know it's hard for you to see, but I'm sure they see it. I'm sure he sees it. He has to be blind to not be able to see how special you are," he smiled warmly. This was the first time he seemed to take interest. "As a teenager, I know you may feel small, but you aren't. And you shouldn't hold these feelings in anymore. The last time you did that resulted in two weeks at the hospital. Alex, you should really take some time to see the best parts of you instead of drawing attention to the assumptions of who you think you are."

I stayed silence, grasping onto every single word that I needed desperately to hear, even if it was from someone my parent's paid to tell me.

"Well that's all the time we have today. I'll see you next time," He smiled. I looked him with a sorrowful grin and walked out from his office. I traced my fingers over the brick wall pondering Dr. Rodger's explanation. What good am I? I can't remember the last time I ever did any good...

"Hey little girl want some candy?" A voice whispered into my ear. I jumped and turned to see Austin holding a bag of candy. I giggled, grabbing the bag.

"Boy do I!" I gasped. I grabbed a Snickers bar and shoved it in my mouth.

"Classy," He smirked taking the bag from my grip.

"I try," I winked walking to one of the circular tables. I finished off my candy and took my notebook out to doodle. "So what are you doing here?" I questioned curiously.

"It's Tuesday and I'm bored," He sighed.

"Do you just come to me when you're bored?" I laughed. His cheeks reddened as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"No, but I was wondering if you'd ditch today and come with me somewhere," He confessed. I shifted my weight uncomfortably. I was supposed to talk to Elias today. He needed an explanation, but I felt worn out from the last few days. I needed some time to collect myself before telling Elias the truth.

"What if my parents find out?" I asked.

"They won't."

"What if the teacher's find out?"

"They won't."

"What if Sam calls the police because she thinks I was kidnapped!"

"She won't." He laughed at my outragousness.

"I'd actually expect her to..." I pouted. He chuckled shaking his head. He pulled out two tickets with a Ferris wheel printed on one side.

"What do you say?" He whispered hanging them over my face. I scrunched my nose for a moment, taking one from his hand.

"What the hell," I smirked. He grabbed my hand and we quietly made it to the parking lot. I looked around for his car, but it wasn't there.

"How are we getting there?" I asked before realizing he was hopping onto a black Harley Davidson motorcycle. He held out a blood red helmet toward me.

"We're taking this little beauty today," He said as I hopped on behind him. Scared of falling off, I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. He pressed the gas pedal, and roared the machine to life. I watched the scenery change from city to countryside, the grass a dark green. After a two hour ride through more cities and countryside, we pulled around a hill. At the bend, I saw a beach decorated with people and a peirre with a large Ferris Wheel. We drove into the dirt parking lot. People were in groups in their swimsuits laughing and enjoying life.

"We're here!" Austin chanted. I looked around the unfamiliar surroundings, trying to decipher where I was.

"Where is here exactly?" I smiled following him to the entrance. A woman sat in a red and white striped booth with a sign that read Ticket Booth. He handed the ticket lady our tickets and walked toward another twin booth.

"Santa Monica Pierre," He said making it seem like it should have been obvious. I nodded and watched as another lady handed him a long strip of orange tickets. He split them in half and gave one part to me.

"Go nuts!" He grinned as we walked through the arcade section. Huge tents were set up with carnival games. We played through several games, me winning each time. I won several stuffed animals and a T-shirt which I let him have because it was too big. He slipped it on and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

This is what happiness was supposed to feel like. It was supposed to wash away my concerns and help me feel free. I felt free with Austin. He made me feel like I could let go of my past and be whoever I wanted to be. I didn't want to be that sad girl in the mirror anymore. I wanted to be me: the girl who loved to smile and write. The girl who was starting to love life.

"Cotton candy?" He suggested as we walked through the assortment of food trucks. I shook my head and ran toward a black and white truck with We Scream For Ice Cream smudged on the front.

"Ice cream!" I jumped in excitement. He chuckled and bought us a banana split to share. We sat at a small table watching the people who passed us. I watched couples share kisses and hold hands. I saw groups of friends laughing and teasing each other. This is what I wanted every day. I imagined me, Sam and Chris having fun. I remember when we used to have fun... before the accident. I remember going to the movies, the mall, and hanging out at the beach when we weren't supposed to. I miss those days. I missed being able to laugh and not know what the world had in store for me.

But things changed and we got older. We grew up and grew apart.

"So school is almost over," he said, sucking on his spoon. I had a month before school ended and then two months of freedom before I go to London. Even if I didn't get into university, my mind was set on leaving. I wanted the opportunity to change and be someone my brother and family could look up to.

"Yeah, I'm actually pretty excited. I mean, I know I'll miss everyone, but I don't know... I just like the idea of traveling and seeing places other than home," I sighed, feeling a bliss I only got from the idea of leaving this small town.

"Are you planning to visit?" He looked at me with his deep blue eyes, a storm starting to rage on inside him. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I didn't want to give him an answer that would disappoint him, but my own war was going on inside me. I thought about coming home, but the idea put me on edge. I wanted to leave to start over, not to come back knowing my past would still be here waiting for me. But I couldn't erase the existence of my family. They were my everything and I couldn't bare the thought of letting my brother grow up without me around.

"It all depends, I guess. It depends on how much I want to see people I'm trying to forget. I know that sounds harsh, but I see today and tomorrow divided into two chapters." I wanted to explain my philosophy: my life divided into the monster and the girl. "If I see Sam or Chris, or Elias... or any of you again I could change my mind. I could come back and stay all because of my strong attachment. The thing about that is, I could put myself in danger of becoming someone I'm trying to avoid. I can't say I never loved you guys, but leaving is like me starting anew. I can pretend that I wasn't the worst thing in the world. I can pretend I never disappointed or hurt the people I loved. People think leaving is for the weak, but to me it's to stay strong for my parents, for my friends," I admitted. My mom was the only person who knew about my philosophy and was the only person who understood that for the first time, I was doing something for myself and not for others.

Austin stared in complete shock, his mind racing. He stared down at his ice cream for a while before commenting on my insane plan.

"Maybe it is a good thing. I mean, if you feel like you've done all these things you should try and make up for it by starting over. I can't see why you'd feel like you've disappointed people, but why should that matter? You don't live to please them, you live to enjoy yourself," Austin said half smiling. This was the same advice I heard from everyone. I lived for myself, not for them. If only it were that easy to do.

"Yeah, I guess..." I didn't want to argue with him and tell him he was wrong. He hadn't known me all his life. It's not his fault he doesn't know. He stood up and slipped our tin into the trash.

"Let's get you back home," He smiled taking my hand in his. I held tightly and followed him out to the parking lot. We rode home and I watched the sun's colors kiss the sky good-bye as it began to set. I held tightly to his waist as my thoughts built into a story. I played all the 'what-ifs' through my head as we pulled up to my house.

"Thanks for the ride," I smiled hopping off. I pulled off the helmet and shook my curls. A figure stepped off from the porch revealing an exhausted looking Elias.

"Where have you been?" He asked, his face starting to go red. He balled up his fists as he saw Austin appear behind me.

"What's going on?" Austin asked alerted by Elias's sudden turn-up.

"We went out for a while, why what's wrong?" I asked hoping everyone was okay.

"Sam and I were calling you for the past four hours?! Do you know how worried she is?!" He shouted. I stepped back, my body trembling. This was a side of Elias I had never seen before. I didn't like it.

"Why are you yelling? I'm fine, and I'm sorry I should have called her," I sighed, rubbing my temples. "I'm sorry." If she was worried, she should have come herself and not send Elias the Douche to yell at me.

"Elias, it's fine she was safe with me," Austin said stepping closer to him. Elias glared at him, his eyes darkening with anger.

"Exactly she was with you! You should know better, Austin. Do you realize we have a few weeks left before school is over? If you really care about her, let her stay focused on her studies instead of hanging out with your sorry ass," Elias growled. Austin's eyes focused on Elias, his body tensed.

"My sorry ass?" Austin laughed manically. "What about you? What good things have you done?" Austin spit through his teeth. I stood back, too terrified to step into their argument. Elias stepped closer until him and Austin were breathing the same air.

"At least I stayed in school!" This last insult sent Austin over the edge. He lunged toward Elias, pushing him onto the porch. Each of them threw several blows, kicking and cursing at each other. An amount of courage came over me as I charged toward both of them.

"Will both of you stop!" I yelled stepping into their fight. I tried pulling them apart, but I suddenly found myself on the floor. Time stopped. Both of them looked at me wide-eyed. I placed my hand to my cheek, starting to feel it throb. Tears streamed down my face as the pain began to become more severe.

"Alex... I'm so sorry," Elias gasped. Both of them came to help me, but I shook my head.

"Let me help you up," Austin persisted, but I shook my head again. They both stared down at me as I tried to regain my senses.

"What the hell is going on out here!" My father's voice roared from the front door. He came running toward me, pushing through the boys. He lifted me up to my feet and glared at the boys.

"If I were you I'd get my ass back home and pray to God that I don't come and find you," He gritted through his teeth before pulling me inside.

"Alex, I'm sorry!" Was the last thing I heard before the door was shut. We walked into the kitchen as my mom and brother rushed to my side.

"What happened?!" My mom gasped touching my cheek. I winced at the gentleness of her fingers, feeling it run against a bruise and small bump.

"I stepped in the middle of a fight when I shouldn't have," I sighed.

"Nice," Nick smiled putting his hand up. Smiling, I gave him a high-five. He ran out of the kitchen leaving me with my mom.

"Who was fighting?" She asked placing an ice bag on my cheek.

"Austin and Elias..." I trailed off. "I don't want to talk about," I said, quickly leaving the room. I stepped into my room and locked my door behind me. I turned on the radio and listened to You Me At Six, as I pulled out my journal. My heart was on it's own unstable pitter-patter. My fingers trembled as I opened to a new sheet of paper and ran it on its course.

Fighting

I've fought against you for so long that I've forgotten that I'm still at war. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for everyone, but I can't even win the battle against myself. Love, you aren't making it easy. You've become a new piece in this game, fighting but not even sure what for. I'm desperate to tell you the truth, but if any of it slips through my lips, I'll lose. And I can't afford to, not with you playing. You've lost your way on my wretched battleground trying to discover something you'll never find. You may do as your heart desires, but be sure if what you find is something you really want to know. Because once you find out I'm a coward behind my shining armour, you'll win. And I'll be lost in a maze of my own identity as I try to remember who I am. The war I'm fighting isn't with you, it's with the idea my heart has created. A person from a picture. A character from a story. I'm at war with my feelings and at war with who I was, trying to blind you from seeing the truth.