Chapter 23

Alex's POV

The fact that we were all able to stand each other at this moment was surprising. After the mishap between Elias, Chris and I, we decided we'd cut our vacation short before we tried cutting each other's throats.Every now and then one of us would make a slight movement, but that was it. Not one word was exchanged between us four. Sam looked as if she was torn apart, her hair a tangled mess and her face, pale and emotionless. All my emotions were a hurricane, spinning around my heart, but I had to stay strong. I did nothing wrong, so why should I feel or look guilty?

We pulled up to Sam's place. It was already eleven at night, so all the light's were dead.

"I'll see you later Alex." She sighed as she slammed her door. Chris cringed, a slight sadness in his expression but he quickly shook it away and drove off. I listened to the soft buzz of the radio and watched Elias's face in the mirror. He had no expression as if he wasn't hurt by my actions at all. How could he be so heartless about it? I could tell he was upset at the moment, but now he seems normal. A few tears silently slid down my cheeks as I hid my face from the boys' view. We pulled up to my place just before I lost control. Whipping my eyes, I jumped out of Chris's jeep, closing the door.

"Goodnight," I said as I turned away. I began walking up the steps but a pair of arms caught me. I spun around to face a sad looking Chris.

"I'm so sorry Alex. I didn't mean to do any of it." His voice was shaking as he pulled me into a hug. His entire body was shaking now as I held him tighter. I looked up slowly to see Elias's eyes burning a hole into mine. Looking away, I tried putting some distance between Christ and I.

"It's okay Chris. Don't worry about me, just worry about yourself... and Sam." I frowned looking at him now. He shook his head letting go of my waist.

"No I can't Alex. This is for Sam's own good. I don't want her to get hurt worse later," I nodded, finally understanding why he had done it.

"Okay, go hope and rest hun. I'll see you tomorrow." I tried smiling. Nodding, he dragged himself back to his truck and drove. off. My heart ached even more as I pulled myself toward my room. My body felt numb and heavy. I tossed my bags into the closet and climbed into bed, soft whimpers filling the silent atmosphere. I curled up into a ball, pulling my legs closely to my chest. My heart beat quickly as my sobs grew louder. I hadn't cried like this in a long time. It was almost refreshing. Whipping my tears with my sleeve, I pulled off the covers and grabbed my journal. I placed the pen against the newly white paper, ink painting its dull lines.

You'll Never Understand

When I tell you my dreams, you laugh and say, "start chasing reality". But you'll never understand why I put all my feelings in a box and lock a chain around my heart. You'll never understand why I live in my dreams rather than in reality. You've taken my mask for granite and think you've gotten me all figure out. But you'll never understand that on the inside, I'm drowning in my own blood. You'll never understand that on the inside, I'm a ticking bomb waiting to explode. And you'll never understand that my smile is glass. You've been given this impression that I'm as hard as ice and as free as water. But you'll never understand that I'm snow, trapped and compacted into suffocating corners. You'll never understand that I'm locked inside, being kept prisoner by everyone's doubts and false hopes. And you'll never understand that I'm being forced to keep quiet and listen to everyone's silly reasoning.

You believe that everyone loves me and believes in me. But you'll never understand that this 'love' scares me. You'll never understand that a single touch is like dry ice burning my skin. And you'll never understand why it's an emotion I can never express out loud. Growing up, you always made me believe that all dreams were possible, but once I turne thirteen, they all became limited. But you'll never understand that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy gave me the drive to dream recklessly. And you'll never understand that I'm still a child at heart, naiive and immature. See, you think you can understand and relate to me. But you'll never understand that I'm living in my own nightmare, being frightened by the boogie man. You'll never understand that home is where the heart is and my heart is in the stars, but you'll never understand that... will you?

I pushed the journal under my bed and lied back under my covers. You Me At Six's Crash was filling the room with it's wonderful symphony. Maybe we could fix it. Maybe I could explain to him that it was a huge misunderstanding. Maybe he'd listen to me. Maybe not...

Elias's POV

After dropping off Alex, tension was worse in the car. Chris's body was stiff and straight forward, keeping his eyes far away from mine. As we pulled up to my place, he cut the engine.

"Can we talk about this?" He asked, trying to keep a stern voice. Shaking my head, I grabbed my bags and slammed the door behind me.

"C'mon J, let me explain what happened!" He yelled after me. I turned toward him, my pulse rising.

"Fuck off Chris, before I lose it." I gritted though my teeth. Chris pulled my arm, trying to make me stop. I shrugged him off as coldly as possible, hoping he'd just leave, but he wouldn't budge.

"Let me explain to you something at least." He said desperately. Sighing, I held my ground and waiting for his excuse.

"It wasn't Alex's fault."

"Don't you think I know that?" I yelled almost too loudly. "I just can't believe you'd do that to me Chris. After everything we've been through, and then you pull this shit?" I shouted at him. My fists clenched tightly against my body as I felt my blood boil.

"I know... it wasn't what I intended, but I was trying to get Sam mad or something just so she'd stop bothering me." He whimpered shaking his head. I felt my fist twitch, wanting to punch him square in the face, but I contained my anger as best as I could.

"Then don't use my girlfriend." I spit through my teeth before walking off. Chris called out for me one more time before being muted by the slamming of the front home. I waiting for my mom to start yelling at me for being to loud, but no one answered. She might be at our neighbor Lucy's house. I charged upstairs, slamming yet another door. At least they were good for something...

I lied back in my bed, strumming my guitar to distract me. I played almost every song I knew, but nothing could get the image of Alex and Chris kissing to burn from my memories. I felt a sudden impulse to leave. I grabbed my coat and board and road it through the neighborhood until I reached her house. I ran up to her door, waiting for her to answer. She opened the door yawning, rubbing her eyes.

"Elias what're you..." Not letting her finish, I pressed my lips forcefully against Victoria's lips, pulling her closely to me. She kissed back for a moment, before pushing me away with all her strength.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She asked looking shock. We were both breathing heavily, trying to process what just happened.

"I'm sorry, I was just so mad I-I didn't know what to do." I growled, cupping my face with my hands. I fell back into her couch, sighing. What the hell was I thinking? What was I getting Alex back at for? I just couldn't stop the image from appearing though.

"It's okay J. You just need to calm down... It wasn't her fault." She patted my leg, trying to comfort me. I looked at her for a moment, trying to figure her out. "Alex called me as soon as she got home. She's pretty recked. You should've gone to see her..." She trailed off, pulling at the hem of her shirt. I rubbed my face, staring into her unlit fire place.

"I know it's not her fault... I was just so mad! You should've seen it, it was like she wanted him to kiss her!" I clenched my fists again. She pulled me in for a hug, petting my hair gently.

"She loves you Elias. You just need to give her a chance to tell you." She smiled against my cheek before letting me go. Smiling, I leaned back again, trying to regain my sanity. I'll have to make it up to her, but how? Shaking my head, I got up.

"Well I'll see you later V. And thanks." I smiled grabbing my board. She walked me to the front door, fixing her hair.

"Yeah, next time warn a girl you're going to kiss her, kay?" She giggled closing the door. Chuckling, I road home again and tried figuring out how to make it up to Alex. She wasn't the type who'd like anything expensive. I walked into my kitchen, trying to figure out what to make. Maybe a cake? Nah, too cheesy. I walked upstairs and looked through a pile of useless things and tried to figure out what to make out of it all. Let's see...

~~Next Day~~

After a long night of working, I put together an 'I'm sorry for being such an asshole, will you forgive me?' gift. I threw on a pair of ripped black jeans and a Sleeping With Siren's band T-shirt before going downstairs. I placed the gift into my bag and grabbed my board. Smiling, I sped as fast as I could to Alex's house. I felt my stomach begin to flutter, excited to see her reaction. Catching my breath, I knocked on the door. Alex's mom opened the door, a smile spreading across her face.

"Hi Elias, come in." She said opening the door. I placed my board next to the door and walked followed her into the kitchen.

"Is Alex home?" I asked eagerly. She walked to the stove and started tossing a pancake.

"She is sweetheart, can you go get her for breakfast?" She asked setting plates onto the table.

"Sure." I smiled. I walked toward Alex's room, waiting hesitantly by her door. I peaked in to see her humming and writing on her bed. Clearing my throat, I knocked on her door. As soon as her eyes met mine, her smile faded.

"Oh. I thought it was my mom." She sighed closing her notebook. She sat straight up on her bed, looking down at her fingers. I felt my heart beginning to ache as I watched her face sadden.

"Er yeah... you're mom wants you to go to the kitchen for breakfast." I said. Nodding, she walked passed me, her eyes staying glued to the floor. I waited her for her to leave out of sight before placing the gift onto her bed. I hope this works. I walked into the kitchen and joined them at the table.

"Where's Nick and Dad?" Alex asked digging into her pancakes.

"They had an early baseball practice this morning. They'll be home around noon."Her mom replied as she sat beside her. I grabbed a plate and slid a spoon full of eggs and two pancakes onto my plate. We ate in silence, throwing glances at each other every once in a while.

"So, what are you kids up to today?" She asked. Alex and I looked at each other first before turning toward her mom.

"Nothing." We both responded in unison. We took another glance at each other before finishing our food. Her mom looked at us uncomfortably before getting up and putting her dish in the sink.

"Okay, well while you guys do 'nothing', I'll be at the store. Alex, do you need anything?" She asked clearing our plates. Alex shook her head before grabbing my hand.

"No thanks, we'll be outside." She said before pulling me to the front door. She closed the door behind us and we sat on her porch. Angrily, she punched me in the arm.

"Owe, what the hell?" I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, but she wasn't laughing. She was heart broken. And I broke her heart. Sighing, I looked down at our shoes.

"You deserved it." She whispered playing with her fingers. I looked up to see her face pale and hollow. Impulsively, I brushed my hand across her cheek, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear, but she pulled away. I felt a knife twist in my heart as she turned her head away.

"What do you want?" She asked coldly. Nervously, I rubbed the back of my neck trying to come up with an apology.

"Alex, I'm sorry for getting upset. I know it wasn't your fault, I just... I got mad when I saw Chris kiss you and I wasn't thinking. I should've listened to you and I'm sorry, again." I said feeling awkward. Those words seemed so foreign to me, I didn't know I was so fluent in them. She glanced up at me, the tips of her lips twitching up.

"I know you're sorry Elias. It's okay. I would've been mad too." She smiled sliding her hand into mine. Smiling like an idiot, I kissed her softly on her lips. Just as they touched another image ran across my mind. I kissed Victoria last night. Shit. I pulled away slowly, clenching my jaw.

"Uh Alex... since we had a misunderstanding about that night, is there any possible way of having another misunderstanding?" I asked looking down at my hands. She looked at me confused, unsure of how to respond.

"Okay..." She trailed off, holding my hand tightly. I felt my stomach churn as I tried to explain last nights' events. I pulled my hand away from hers, feeling them shake.

"I-I...I kissed Victoria last night." I said closing my eyes. I waited for some sort of slap or yelling, but nothing came. I opened my eyes to find a shocked Alex. Her expression didn't fluctuate for the longest moment, causing me to feel anxious. She blinked a few times before standing up.

"I um... bye." She said before running into the house. I tried following her, but she locked the door behind her. I felt my body grow heavy as I sat back down on the porch.

What the hell was wrong with me?