Chapter 3

Edited

I strolled through the hall, staring blankly at the gravel beneath me. I remembered yesterday, feeling a lump form on the inside of my throat. I ran my fingertips along the brick wall, remembering the way Elias looked holding the guitar. He was lifted by music, escaping from the hardships life left him with. He didn't deserve it. No one deserved to be unhappy. But life had a funny way of working out- sometimes for the best... most times for the worst.

"Don't make a sound," someone whispered behind me, their rough calluses rubbing against my lips. I gasped, squirming to see who it was. Elias smiled innocently at me. His raven hair was pressed down by a black beanie, almost hiding his eyes.

"Jerk."

"Awe, is that how you're going to greet me?" He stumbled back, laughing.

"Yes." It was too early in the morning for his jokes.

"Fine," he looked away dramatically. I giggled at his childishness and continued walking.

"Baby, come back!" He sang. I raised an eyebrow, trying not to crack a smile.

"Don't you have class?"

"No, I have a free period."

"Then why are you here now?" I asked curiously. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to remember.

"Oh, right! I was wondering if you'd like to come hear my band play," He asked, his hands shaking as he slipped them into his pockets.

"Uh, sure," I hesitated, "when?"

"After school today at my house," He looked relieved.

I agreed. He sighed and continued walking beside me, our arms brushing softly against each other. He moved his hands from his pockets to the side of him, repeatedly clasping and unclenching his fists nervously. His lips pulled into a small smile as he continued to stare at the ground. If it weren't for his coarse mouthing, he'd probably be an alright sort of guy. But, unfortunately, his loud babbles overshadow his good-looking features.

The bell rang, signaling the end of the period.

"Let's go to class," I said. We walked towards English until Victoria nudged me away, grabbing onto Elias's arm.

"Elias! I've been looking for you everywhere," she babbled with a frilly voice.

"Just got here..." He stared at his shoes and took a step away from me. I felt a cool breeze run through the gap between us, making me shiver.

"Well, let's go to class," she smiled at Elias before shooting me a death glare. I felt my insides boil, but contained my composure. I walked into class to see Victoria had taken my seat, leaving me no choice but to sit with Charlie. Again.

"Hey, Charlie," I said. He looked up at me, wiggling his nose.

"Hi," He said in a nasal voice. He pushed his glasses further up his nose, his eyes examining me closely. I looked down at my appearance to make sure nothing was exposed to his perverting gawk.

"What are you doing?" I asked feeling perplexed. Ignoring my question, he looked away and placed his head between a book. Quietly, he began mumbling incoherent things to himself. Weirdo.

"Today, we will be going over your rough drafts for the writing assignment, "Mrs. Avoc started. "If you have not written them, I suggest you do it now." She ran her hands along her lengthy floral dress that flowed freely just above her ankles. She wore little makeup that covered her youngish wrinkles.

"With the person next to you, read your poem to each other and give feedback." And with that, everyone began bickering amongst each other. I turned to face Charlie again who was still stuck in his book.

"So, do you want to go first?" I asked hopeful. I haven't started my poem yet, and I didn't want Mrs. Avoc to go crazy on me.

Charlie pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, clearing his throat.

"Science. A term used to describe how matter works.

My favorite is chemistry, mixing chemicals to create a different state of acidic or basic tendency.

In each chemical is a source called an atom.

With electrons, neutrons, and protons, you could create a chemical like krypton.

Science is amazing, making lives better every day.

So thank you science for the birds on the bay," He finished off, smiling. I felt my lips quiver, holding back my laughter.

"That was err.. interesting," I tried. He snorted, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"No. It was genius," He winked, causing me to laugh.

"Yes Charlie, very intelligent," I giggled, teasing him. He chuckled, putting his paper away.

"What about you?"

"I haven't started," I sighed, looking down at the blank paper in front of me.

"Do you want help?" He offered. I shook my head, determined to finish on my own. Charlie nodded and slipped back into his book. I tapped my pen on the table and slowly turned my head to see Elias staring at me. As soon as he caught my eye, he turned his attention back to Victoria who was talking endlessly. I felt my cheeks heat up as I turned back to my desk. Okay, what to write...

"Hi," A voice whispered behind me. I turned to see Elias had moved to the seat behind me. I looked over his shoulder to see Victoria glaring harshly.

"Did you just leave your girlfriend?" I gasped, trying not to laugh. He looked back at her then quickly glued his eyes back on me.

"Eh, she'll be fine," He smirked. "So have you started your poem?" He asked, glancing at the blank paper in front of me. I chuckled nervously, slipping the paper under the desk.

"No. Have you?" I asked. He raised an eyebrow, looking as if I just asked a rhetorical question.

"No," He sighed, shaking his head. Just as I was about to turn back, Elias cleared his throat. I gave him a questioning look, waiting for him to proceed.

"Do you have a song request for after school?" He asked, pulling out his phone.

"Surprise me," I smiled. I wasn't really familiar with what type of songs his band played and I wasn't about to embarrass myself by naming some lame tune.

"Sure thing, Alexandra," He chuckled before returning back to Victoria. I watched him, confused. Who the hell still called me Alexandra-besides my mom?

When the bell rang, Elias whispered, "See you after school." I cracked a small smile and headed out the door. I walked to the quad to see Sam and Chris settled at the back table.

"Hey," I accosted, sliding into the seat next to Sam. They both smiled at me, mouths full of nachos and Coca-Cola.

"Did Elias tell you about after school?" Chris questioned, finishing off his nachos. I felt myself blush, almost forgetting that Elias told Chris everything.

"Yeah, who else is going?" I asked eagerly. If Victoria was going, I'm not so sure I wanted to.

"I'm going!" Sam chirped. Sam always went to their band practices, but I never felt welcomed into their small clique.

"And Victoria," Chris whispered quietly. Just my luck. I groaned loudly, banging my head against the table. I lifted my head, rubbing my aching skull.

"Why so down, clown?" Elias laughed, sliding into the seat next to Chris. I glared at him, my cheeks burning.

"I'm not..." I huffed, waiting for the pain to fade away. Chris looked down at his watch and stood up.

"Let's go. I told Austin we'd be there by three," He stammered, throwing his food away. We all stood up and followed him to his beat up van. We piled inside with Sam in the passenger seat and Elias and I in the back. I stretched my legs across the seat, forcing Elias to sit at the other end.

"So what's the name of your guys' band?" I asked. Despite being best friends with the drummer, I didn't pay much attention to their band.

"Violent Monkeys," Chris and Elias smiled in unison. I shook my head in disbelief.

"Why Violent Monkeys?" I asked laughing. Don't get me wrong, it was very original, but seriously? I don't get it.

"The question here should be why not?" Elias smirked. I rolled my eyes, sticking my tongue out at him.

"Well, it's because I'm violent," Chris responded- which is a total lie. Chris was like a big freaking teddy bear.

"And I love monkeys!" Elias roared, making me jump.

It was times like these when I questioned his sanity.

Chris pulled up to a small brown house that had weeds skirting the edges. The garage door was propped open with three unfamiliar faces inside. We walked towards them as each of them turned to greet us.

"This is Austin," Elias said pointing to a tall, muscular boy whose dirty blonde hair was styled into a fohawk. His blue eyes lit up as he smiled.

"Nice to meet you. This is my younger brother, Tyler," Austin greeted. A shorter boy stood next to him smirking. Austin and he shared the same appearance, but Tyler still had a baby face.

"Hey," He winked. I felt my lips form a smile as I turned my attention to the last person, who happened to be a girl. Her ivory-colored hair was pulled back into a messy bun. Her chocolate eyes popped out with the little eyeliner she had.

"And this is my little sister, Lexi," Elias introduced messing up her hair. She fixed her red guitar so that it hung behind her.

"Hi, you must be Victoria," She smiled. My heart trembled at her false assumption. An awkward silence blanketed over us.

"Err, I'm Alex, one of Elias's friends," I lowered my voice. She face palmed as she realized I wasn't Elias's girlfriend.

"Oh... well then," she cleared her throat. Just as I was about to speak, Victoria's mom pulled up to the house. Speak of the devil.

"Hi!" she smiled at Elias, pushing me out of the way. "I hope I didn't miss anything," she playfully pouted, hugging him. I scrunched my nose and stood beside Austin.

"Jealous much?" Austin whispered. I glared at him smirking.

"I'm not the jealous type," I winked. He chuckled, shaking his head.

"Let's start then," Lexi clapped, smiling. We followed behind her as she led us inside the not-so-meticulous garage. Boxes were stacked in odd places and the carpet was infested with crumbs. The scent drew out a warm vanilla smell, not quite fitting with its filthy environment. A couch was set to the side where the 'audience' sat. Victoria sat at the edge closest to Elias while Sam and I sat at the other end.

"Okay, so we've been working on this one for a while. Hope you like it," Elias beamed. Sam and I grew quiet as we moved forward in interest.

"One.. Two.. One.. Two.. Three," Chris clicked his drum sticks together before bringing the song to life. I smiled, tapping my foot to the beat. In my head, I sang along to Sleeping With Sirens' If You Can't Hang.

I watched closely as each of them played their parts, losing themselves in their instruments. Austin jumped up and down as he strummed his bass. Lexi's expression fluctuated as she sang lightly into the microphone and let her fingers knowingly play on the strings of her guitar. Tyler was set to the left of Chris, adding effects to the song with his keyboard. Elias held the spotlight, singing and plucking his electric guitar with ease. I felt captivated by how into the song they were. They were playful, but dedicated to the finish. Just as the song ended, Sam, Victoria, and I stood and applauded them.

"That was amazing, babe!" Victoria cheered as she threw herself into Elias's arms. I rolled my eyes, making my way to Austin. Sam was already situated on Chris's lap making out while Lexi and Tyler were conversing about how great the song went.

"That was great!" I congratulated Austin. Beads of sweat dripped down his face as he chugged a bottle of water.

"Thanks," He smirked. We both leaned against the back wall, watching everyone else. Vinyl records were stabled against the walls. Elias had quite a collection. I looked over at the record player by the drums and walked over. I was mesmerized by the stacks of 45's he had and pulled one out. Sublime's vinyl had their signature sun piece on the front. I placed it lightly on the record player and hovered the head over the disk. A low buzz began to hum from the player before Santeria began playing.

"I didn't know Elias collected vinyl's," I said as I leaned back next to Austin.

"Yeah, his dad was a huge collector.," Austin sighed," Definitely takes after his old man." Austin glanced at Elias who had his arms around Victoria's waist, pulling her closely in for a kiss. I looked down at my hands and fumbled with my thumbs. Austin cleared his throat and changed the subject.

"So, you go to school with Elias?"

"Yup," I nodded. "Do you go to school?" I couldn't tell since he looked young, but acted so maturely.

"Nope, I dropped out last year. I help fix cars at a mechanic shop across the street," He looked down. He didn't seem proud, but brushed it off.

"You still live at home then?" I said. He nodded, watching his younger brother.

"Planning to leave though, once I have enough money."

"Same here," I smiled. I had no intention of staying in this small town.

"Where are you going?" He's deep blue eyes gushed with curiosity.

"Probably Europe. Somewhere in England." His eyes lit up instantly.

"Really? Me too!" He chuckled. I smiled, feeling someone's eyes on me. I glanced up to see Elias watching us. As he caught my gaze, his cheeks turned a light pink. He dropped his gaze from mine and moved it to Victoria who was sitting comfortably on his lap. I looked down at my watch to see it was already five.

"Shit," I mumbled, "I have to go." Austin frowned.

"Already?" He pouted. I nodded, giggling. "At least let me give you a ride," He offered.

"Sure," I agreed.

I know. You're not supposed to get rides from strangers, but technically he isn't a stranger, he's a mutual friend. Plus it's not like he's a serial killer or anything... I hope.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," I waved.

"Do you want a ride home?" Elias asked hastily. I looked up at Austin who was fixing his leather jacket.

"No. Austin's taking me home," I half-smiled. Elias nodded disappointingly. I said goodbye to Sam and followed Austin to a red Honda Civic. I slipped into the passenger's seat and waited for Austin to turn on the ignition.

"Here's the address," I said, handing him a blue sticky note. The drive was silent except for the buzzing of the radio.

"What kind of music do you like?" He asked, opening the passenger compartment.

"Alternative. Rock, something along those lines." Smiling, he pulled out a CD and pushed it into the radio. The buzzing stopped while Joy Division's "Disorder" filled the car with a bittersweet sound.

We pulled up to my house as Austin cut the engine. He cleared his throat, trying to figure out what to say.

"Are you coming to anymore of our practices?" he asked seeming hopeful.

"Sure, if you don't mind," I smiled brightly.

"Cool. Well, I'll see you next time," He beamed cheekily as I stepped out of the car. I waved and watched as he drove away. Austin seemed sweet and the total opposite of Elias. He was more honest and seemed genuinely happy about his life. Elias, on the other hand, was more secretive and labyrinth-like. There was more to Elias than his fragile exterior.

Taking a deep breath, I walked inside. My brother had baseball practice, so tonight would just be my mom and I. I stepped into the kitchen to see my mom washing dishes.

"Hi," I said, throwing my bag onto the table. She turned off the faucet, looking down into the sink.

"Dr. Rodger called. He said you skipped out on him," she said flatly.

Oh, crap.

"Shit, I forgot! I'm really sorry!" I groaned. I knew skipping out would cause me trouble.

"We don't schedule these appointments so that you can skip out whenever you want, Alexandra,"she growled. I felt my muscles tense at the sound of my full name.

"I know and I said I was sorry," I tried. She turned to face me, her eyes flaring with shame.

"This is supposed to help you get better," She whispered.

"Mom, this isn't going to fix the past. Look at me," I said, placing my hand under her chin to force her eyes onto me, "do I look crazy to you?" Her face hardened as she looked me up and down. She shook her head, looking regretful.

"I'm sorry, hun. I'm still paranoid, but what mother wouldn't be?" She sighed, sitting next to me. I lowered my head, not wanting to hear anything she had left to say.

"I'm going to bed," I said quietly before leaving my mother to mourn alone. I dragged myself into my room and looked under my bed for a box of mixtapes my dad gave me for my birthday. I pulled one out that said "Alexandra-15" on it and pushed it into the radio beside my bed. Johnny Cash played, giving me some comfort to think.

Is she the only one who thinks I'm still like that? Haven't I changed? I looked down at my wrists and with my two fingers, I traced the transparent scars that used to haunt me. Yes, I was ashamed of what I did to not only myself, but also my family. I caused so much chaos, and for what? I couldn't blame the kids because they didn't know their words would affect me the way that they did. I couldn't blame anyone but myself. People say it's easier to blame others, but blaming them and my parents drained me. To me, it was easier to punish myself rather than anyone else. I didn't want to believe that I was a bad person, but I knew I deserved to pay for my sins. They were the darkness that engulfed me and took the part of me that everyone loved: happiness.

Since I didn't feel sleepy, I grabbed my journal and began a new poetry entry.

This is Me

My mind feels trapped. Every emotion, thought, and memory is traveling endlessly through it and I can't make it stop. I can feel my heart thumping, driving me insane. Life just doesn't seem important anymore. All the people I love have given up on me and there's no turning back. Autumn has met its winter and it's going to be a cold one. Everything I've ever cared about will turn into ash and swim with the wind. This is me. Nothing but a worthless weed that had been accidentally placed into a flower bed. This is me. A girl who has no place except for the lonely spot society has given her. This is me. A waste of space in this cold winter place. This. Is. Me.

I dropped the notebook to the ground, feeling tears threatening to escape. I wiped them away, taking one last deep breath. My body was trembling and my heart aching. I lost control, letting tears stream gently down my cheek, allowing silent sobs to escape from my lips. This was me and I couldn't blame anyone else for my mistakes. My stupid, stupid mistakes.