Chapter 8

Edited

Alex's POV

There is never a simple answer to a complicated question just like there isn't an easy solution to the heart. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew what I needed. I needed simple and safe, but my life was far from simple and safety is the least of my concerns when it comes to how my heart is held. I've watched it get shattered and ripped apart. But I've also seen it rebuild itself and get stronger. That's what love does to me- it kills me. Love is a masked serial killer and I'm its first victim and last survivor. Unlike most smart people, I step over boundaries and play with admiration like it's a game I can win. I can't. It's a gamble that you're either dumb enough to take or too much of a coward to face. Love doesn't conquer all, it conquers us. It chews through what we thought we knew and reveals a frightening truth: It smears reality and dreams.

I didn't love Elias nor did I love Austin. I enjoyed their company, but my cowardice would never allow me to face a certain tragedy, because what was the point of young love? It was a path that lead to tears and heart brokenness. Unless you were lucky. "Luck", however, didn't play too well in my cards.

"Alex someone's here for you!" My mom called out. I pulled off my headphones, curiously walking out into the living room.

"Hi," Elias greeted shyly. His hair was in its natural wavy state covered by a grey beanie. He had a blue and black plaid shirt that hugged around his black jeans, ripped at the left knee.

"What do you want?" my voice came out harsher than I intended. I didn't have much of a reason to be angry, but I was. Him taking me to his spot was a slap in the face. I was no one special. To him, I was like every other girl. By the sound of my voice, he took it as a bad thing to come. His gaze dropped to the ground, searching for something to say.

"What are you doing today?" He finally asked, catching my gaze.

I hesitated. There was nothing good that ever came out when hanging with Elias.

"Nothing, why?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang out? The band and I were going to go to the beach," He said quickly. I looked around to find my mother had already left the room. My only excuse was gone. I was at a loss of words. I really didn't really have anything to do today, but I didn't want to be with him either.

"I uh, can't. My ankle isn't fully healed and I don't want it to get worse," I stuttered. He smirked, seeing right past my lie.

"It looks fine to me," He rose an eyebrow as though he won the argument. Shifting my weight, I tried thinking of another excuse. "If you don't want to go, you don't have to." His eyes were poisonous, luring me to feel guilty. He won.

"Fine, let me go get my suit." I dragged myself into my room and changed into a pair of black board shorts and a grey Nirvana shirt. Tying my hair up, I walked outside to see Elias already in his car.

"So where is everyone?" I asked hopping into the passenger seat. He started the engine, driving us out of the neighborhood.

"Already there," he answered eyes glued to the streets. I nodded, taking out my phone. I had a missed message from Austin.

Hey cutie, did Elias get you?-Austin

Yes! I'll see you there-Alex

Smiling, I slipped my phone into my pocket.

"Who was that?" Elias glanced down at my phone. His gaze made me feel like a criminal trying to get away with a crime I just committed. It wasn't a crime to talk to Austin, but Elias would think differently.

"Er Austin..." I trailed off feeling angry again. His eyes darkened as he clenched the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. Austin did things to Elias that was unexplainable. He was easily tipped off by any mention of him.

The silence was deafening, so I decided to fill in the space with something else that would put Elias off.

"Why did you take me to your hook up or whatever it was spot?"

Elias's eyes widened. His mouth drew a straight line, his face unreadable.

"I didn't think it would matter to you," he said, almost in a whisper. I felt my blood boil and my cheeks grow hot.

"Of course it matters! You pretty much told me that I was like all of your previous girlfriends. Which I'm not. Unlike them, I know you're just one of those guys who try to get all the girls because he thinks he can," I growled. "But I know you." Catching my breath I stole a glance at him. Hurt was written all over his beautiful face.

I watched as his jaw clenched and his hands tighten around the wheel again. My face softened into a frown seeing that I went too far. As I tried to apologize, my voice throat went dry. I couldn't let myself apologize for telling the truth. Throughout the rest of the ride, we sat in an awkward silence, admiring the outside atmosphere. I pressed my face to the window, feeling the coolness spread across my cheeks. The ocean was glistening as the sun shined its rays starred at its reflection on the surface. We pulled up to the beach to see Austin and the rest of the band were already set up.

"Hey what took you guys so long?" Lexi smiled walking toward us. Ignoring her, Elias stormed away from the group and toward Tyler and Chris. Lexi's cheerfulness disappeared.

"What happened?"

"We just got into an argument, but don't worry about it," I grinned trying to change the subject. She looked at her brother and sighed, leaving me to go talk to Tyler.

"Hey love," Sam beamed hugging me from behind. She showed off her slender body by wearing a blue bikini, and black shades hiding her marvelous green eyes.

"Hey," I greeted placing my purple shades on my nose. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, pulling me away from the group.

"So I hear that you and Elias did a little something at the pond the other day," She giggled, wiggling her eyebrows. I shook my head, my lips pursed.

"No, there's nothing going on between me and that asshole," I huffed crossing my arms. Her smiled faded, confusion replacing it.

"What happened?"

I looked over to the group to see Elias staring icily at me. If looks could kill... I rolled my eyes, focusing my attention back to Sam.

"He took me to his spot, Sam. I'm not his girlfriend," I growled. "And I'm sure as hell not going to be, ever. He's arrogant and thinks he can get any girl he wants! Not me though... not me." I wanted to believe every word I'd said. I wanted her to believe it. I wanted anyone to believe it, because right now, I knew I was lying.

"You like him," Sam smirked. My eyes widened in disbelief.

"No I don't!" I cried. Now, I really wanted nothing to do with him. He could go jump in a lake and stay there for all I cared.

"Yeah you do, but you can keep denying it," she winked. Without letting me defend myself, she skipped over to Chris and pulled on his arm toward the water.

I tried to see it the way she saw it, but it didn't add up. We were placed in each other's lives for unknown reasons, but love couldn't be one of them. I was incapable of loving without totally obliterating it, and he wasted his on blank faces and quick fixes. We were ice and fire, burning bright, but freezing hearts without knowing the consequences.

"Hey there," Austin whispered against my ear. I looked up to see his blonde curls damaged by sand and water.

"Hi," I smiled. His chiseled torso cause butterflies to rage against my rib cage.

"Want to surf?" He half smiled. Chills ran down my spine remembering the last time I was on a surfboard. Let's just say I ended up in the hospital for breaking a few bones...

"Nah, I don't know how," I laughed nervously. Smirking, he grabbed his surfboard and picked up Chris's. He held it out to me and I took it with shaky hands.

"Then I'll teach you," he offered kindly. We headed toward the water until an annoyingly familiar voice startled us. I turned around to see Victoria waving and smiling, walking toward Elias, Lexi, and Tyler.

"Hey you guys!" She beamed happily. I felt my stomach churn, my nose scrunching up the closer she got to Elias and the group. She wrapped her hands around Elias's torso, pulling him into a kiss. Watching him smile into the kiss felt like a punch in the stomach.

"Let's go," Austin smirked, grabbing my arm. The thought of falling into the water and embarrassing myself flowed through my thoughts like a trainwreck. I slipped off my converse and planted my feet into the sand, feeling warm grains of sand play between my toes. Austin was already out in the water waiting for me. I tried to block out the screaming fear of water.

As I walked further into the salty ocean, my breathing quickened. My thoughts sped through with flashes of memories I did my best to stray from. But I had to keep facing my fears. If I lost control of one bad memory, everything would collapse into a never ending nightmare. I'd become a walking monster made up of scarred flaws and imperfections so clear, they'd outshine the sun.

I took a deep breath, clearing the dark clouds and making way for a new happy memory- a memory I needed.

"So who goes first?" Chills ran down my spine.

I can't do this.

Nope I'm not going to do this.

"I will show you," Austin beamed laying himself on the surface of the board. Nodding, I watched him paddle for the first wave. When the wave rose, he lifted himself onto his feet and began riding the wave. He balanced himself on the top, sliding easily into the center. My competitiveness kicked in and overran my fear of water. As I watched him pull up to the shore, I waited for my wave. I lied on the board and began paddling. As the wave rose, I stood on the board and concentrated on not falling off.

A wave of relief washed over me as I-

"Alex watch out!" Austin yelled. My heart began to pound as I saw another surfer coming my way. Tyler's eyes went wide as he locked his fear-filled gaze with me and my wavering board. He collided into me and caused me to tumble into the wave. I watched bubbles escape my lips as I frantically waved my arms I couldn't see through the muggy water. I continued to move my hands until I felt sand and tiny crabs scurry beneath my palm. I pushed off and rose to the surface. Gasping, I filled my lungs with heavenly air and breathed. I breathed and hoped to God I'd continue. I swam as fast as I could to shore, keeping my eyes on the line between the deadly water and sweet civilization.

"Are you okay?" Tyler choked swimming over to me. Once I reached shore, I pulled myself up and sat in the sand.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I coughed. I turned to see Lexi, Elias, and Victoria staring at me. Lexi rushed over, placing a towel around my limp body. I pulled it tighter around me, feeling safe and warm.

"Alex, are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine really." I didn't need the crowd of stares. Half the beach had gone silent, whispering in my direction. The sudden attention was overwhelming. I didn't like it. There was too much familiarity.

I knew these gaping expressions like they were bad company I kept to keep me alive. They were the eyes of every boy and girl who whispered about me in the halls like my life was a rumor to spread. I was a beautiful disaster that had her adolescence shot and wounded by the unkind words and snaring looks from her peers.

"Come with me so that we can have a life guard check your knee out. It's bleeding," Lexi pointed out. I looked down at my knee to see a small cut with blood oozing down the side of my leg. Nodding, I let Austin lift me up and help me over to the back of the food stand. He sat me down at one of the tables then left to find a lifeguard.

"So are you going to tell me why Elias's being such a jerk to you?" Lexi asked sitting on the bench beside me. Sighing I explained our earlier ruction and how I blew up in his face.

"I don't think that was his intention, Alex. I know my brother, and Elias wouldn't treat you like that," she smiled. "Actually he thinks you're amazing."

Elias Rios thought I was amazing. The thought would have made me crumble to my feet if he hadn't pissed me off earlier.

"Why doesn't he ever tell me? He always closes himself off and never seems to care about me," I sighed. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that he might have a shred of kindness to offer. There are moment when I actually think I might good enough for him. But then, Tori waltzes in and reminds me that I'm still a nobody. I'm still not worth a single dime.

"Because like you said, he puts walls up. It's hard for him to really love, especially because he's never actually loved anyone except for me and my mom," she sighed. "And maybe even Tori." He barely knew how to love while I loved too strongly. I was passionate and he was confused with lust. We both blurred the lines of adoration and control because we stood at opposite sides of the spectrum. But I understood. I understood that he was trying and that's all I could ask of him.

As we finished talking, Austin came back with two lifeguards and a first-aide kit.

"Could you lift your leg, miss," One of them asked. I lifted my leg onto the bench and watched as he cleansed the cut. The alcohol burned my skin causing it to redden from irritation. He placed a bandage over the swollen cut to keep it from opening up again. After making sure it was properly cleaned, he closed the kit.

"Thank you," I smiled gratefully.

"No problem, just don't get any sand in the bandage or it could get infected," he warned before leaving. Sighing, I lifted myself off of the bench and began walking back toward the beach.

"You don't want to eat first?" Austin questioned as he got in line for food.

"Sure. Could you get me a grilled cheese?" I plopped myself back onto the bench. After he got our food, we ate and enjoyed the calming crash of the sea.

"So how's school?" Austin mumbled through his cheeseburger. I bit into my hot sandwich and appreciated the glob of melting cheese before answering.

"It's fine. Nothing really exciting, but graduation is in two months so I'm happy about that," I smiled. Graduation is my ticket out of this hell hole and my way out of this life.

"Wow that's pretty cool. I'll be sure to go," he winked. Giggling, I finished off my sandwich, burping loudly. I glanced over at Austin, blushing uncontrollably. There goes my attempt at being lady-like.

"Sorry!" I laughed, covering my face with my hands. Austin chimed in, shaking his head.

"It's okay, girls should be comfortable around guys like that," he chuckled throwing out the rest of his food. Giggling, I sighed in relief. Most boys would have scrunched their noses and looked at me like I was from another planet. I just didn't have it in me to hold up the lady standards of today's society. There was too much of an expectation, and I wasn't going to fall into the pit of common folk.

"Hey guys!" I hear a cheerful voice yell behind me. Turning around I see Victoria and Elias heading toward us.

"Hey," Austin smiled. I glared at him, hoping he would understand I didn't want to be around the demon couple. Too late. Victoria slipped in beside me while Elias sat beside Austin.

"What have you guys been up to?" She asked, more referring the question for Austin to answer. I glanced over at Elias to see him glued to his phone. Sighing, I stared at the sand, zoning out of the conversation.

Our previous conversation played in my head like a broken record. I wasn't sorry for speaking up, but the way Elias looked at me... It was as if I grabbed his ego and squeezed it dry. I didn't mean for my words to pierce his chest or affect him in any way. I was just scared. He was the kind of guy who breaks hearts for a living, and even though Sam wants me to take a chance, I can't. I can't risk my heart, not again. Staring down at my wrist, memories flooded in. Images of him blinded me and reminded me why I changed. I didn't want to be her again and I wasn't going to let Elias Rios make me feel like her because I'm better. I'm freer.

"Alex did you want to go back to the beach?" Austin asked, forcing me out of my thoughts. I flicked my head up to see the three of them staring at me.

"Uh.. sure," I hesitated, not wanting to be around Elias. I followed Austin out into the cool evening breeze and took in the beautiful sunset that painted the horizon.

Elias's POV

I should have said something in the car. I should have yelled or at least have said something I'd regret later so she knew I understood. But I bottled up my anger and refused to let her see through my walls that I spent so many years building. I wanted to tell her that she could never be compared to those girl's I dated because at least I could picture her face. At least I could remember her name. She was more than the girl's I once hooked up with. She was brave while they were weak and in need of my constant attention. She could laugh off pain while those fools used me to sooth theirs. She didn't need me the way they needed me. She didn't want me the way they wanted me. She cared. She cared about me. And that scared me more than the thought of death.

"Elias? Are you even listening to me?" Victoria asked trying to get my attention. Closing my eyes, I rubbed my temples trying to keep my anger under control.

"Yes..."

"Okay, so I was thinking about prom.."

"Whoa whoa whoa.. I'm not going to prom," I said seriously. I don't do dances. Mostly because I can't dance, but that's beyond the point. I just don't do dances. Her jaw dropped a few inches,

trying to understand what I had just said.

"What why!?!" She panicked. I honestly didn't think she'd take it so seriously.

"Because I don't do dances," I sighed. This was really getting nerve wracking. I wonder if Alex is going to prom...

Wait, what?

Elias. No.

Just shut the fuck up.

"You're going and that's final," she growled. I laughed. I laughed so hard, Tori thought I was mental. I probably was. I leaned in close, barely inching away from her in hopes she'd get the message.

"I don't take orders from bitches," I winked. Her face darkened, and before I knew it, a sharp pain struck in my cheek.

"Asshole," she huffed before getting up and leaving. Crap.

"Victoria, wait," I called out, but she was already gone. I rubbed my hands against my face, feeling exhausted. She was exhausting. I trudged the sand, feeling my body relax as I took deep breaths. I had to get my temper under control before I showed my face to anyone. To Alex. As the heat flushed from my skin, I walked down the cement back to our set up.

My body tensed. I had to stop dead in my tracks and feel every fiber of my being build up in my fists. Their heads were intact, lips pressed against each other. I felt my blood boil. I felt an unfamiliar break in my heart. Why? I told Austin that I liked her! Austin was kissing Alex.