{Mission: Idiots in Love- A Two-Phase Plan}

Requested by mr_oakiedokee20: Ok, I know that you have a lot of requests, but I have another one. This one isn't WinterSpider tho, shocker I know, it's actually WinterFalcon. (Sam & Bucky) because I also ship that soooo much. Anyways, I was just wondering if you could make a wholesome one shot where Sam and Bucky start randomly calling each other nicknames, and they slowly start to fall in love, and they claim Peter as their child. 😌 You don't have to, of course. Just a suggestion. Also, take your time, I know tou have a lot on your hands.

I tweaked the request a little but I hope you still like it :D

TW: Idiots in Love (as you can see in the title). Sam x Bucky. Hints of Steve x Tony and Wanda x Vision. Badass Nat (although she does nothing but it's Nat). MJ is an icon. Sweet Peter Parker.  Fluff and crack :D

**********

"I'm bored."

"Oh no," Steve immediately got up, "I'm off."

"Till the end of the line motherfucker," Bucky yelled after him.

"Not when you're bored," Steve yelled back, breaking into a sprint, "Go bother Sam or something."

Bucky's eyes lit up.

**********

"Hey doll," Bucky leaned against the counter.

"Whadya want shitface?" Sam asked, eyeing him over the rim of his coffee cup.

"I'm being nice to ya, babyboy," Bucky said, looking wounded, "And this is how you treat me?"

"Yes."

Nat snickered under her breath as she walked away with her bowl of Lucky Charms.

"I'll steal your coffee, pretty," he threatened.

"Do you want to die today?" Sam deadpanned, "And stop calling me those ridiculous names."

"Nah, I don't think I will... angel."

"Fuck you."

**********

Okay, he had a lot of fun with this.

It was amusing to see the calm and collected Sam Wilson lose his cool with just a few nicknames. To see him blush and stutter when Bucky turned his charm from the 40s back on.

What wasn't amusing, though, was when he started retaliating.

**********

"Hey doll," Bucky grunted, trudging to the coffee machine like a zombie.

"Morning to you too, babe."

Bucky's neck snapped up so fast he's pretty sure he pulled a nerve.

Sam raised an eyebrow, a small smirk playing on his lips, "Something wrong, love?" he purred.

'Oh fuck.'

**********

"Gimme the fucking coffee, doll."

"I don't think so, sweetheart."

"I . Need. Coffee!"

"Make your own, pumpkin."

"Er, Mr. Stark," Peter poked his mentor's metal arm, "Are those two dating?"

"NO," both of them yelled together, glared at each other, blushing, then stomped off, weirdly in unison.

"Oh my god," Peter gasped, "They totally wanna fuck each other."

"You did NOT just say that, kid."

"Ow ow ow let go of my ear Mr. Stark OW!"

**********

Mission: Idiots in Love- Phase One/Two

"Mr. Barnes!"

"What do you want, tiny child?" Bucky sighed, already tired.

"MJ here wants to do your hair," Peter gestured to a very unimpressed-looking girl eyeing him. She made him nervous for some reason.

"Do I get a choice in this?"

"No," MJ smiled a smile full of too many teeth.

James Buchanan Barnes, Former Winter Soldier, Former Assassin, Current Avenger, let two kids bully him into doing his hair.

("You have such nice hair," Peter said, stars in his eyes.

"Thanks," Bucky grumbled, resisting the urge to tug at the man bun MJ had made. To be honest, it was nice to have hair out of his face for once.

His fingers might have twitched because MJ, without looking up from her phone, said, "You touch that bun I rip out your arms."

Bucky did not move his arms even a millimeter for the rest of the time she was there.

It was nice, though, having people not tip-toe around him, trying not to trigger his trauma. People like Sam.

Who looks very nice in tight shirts.

All of the time, really.

Little jerk, probably wakes up looking perfect.)

**********

A/N: I'm just realizing how chaotic this whole chapter is becoming and I don't care lol. Enjoy Bucky Barnes in a man bun btw:

A/N: I just spent five minutes staring at this picture, realized I'm staring, then stared at it for another ten minutes :)

**********

When the two demons finally left, Bucky walked to the living room, hoping to eat something.

"Hey, pretty," he murmured absently to Sam, who was eating an apple and reading a book.

"Hey-," he glanced up, then paused.

There was a thud followed by Sam coughing. Bucky whirled around and saw Sam choking on a piece of apple. He rushed around, finding a glass of water and making him drink it.

"You good?" he asked, not paying mind to the strand of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes.

"Yeah," Sam breathed, staring at him rather strangely, "Perfectly fine," his fingers reached out, as if in a trance, and tucked the strand behind his ear gently. That was when they noticed how close to each other they were.

Neither moved away.

They both stared at each other.

Sam hadn't removed his hand from the nape of his neck, Bucky noted in the back of his mind.

"You have really pretty eyes," he murmured. It was true, Sam had the most beautiful pair of dark brown eyes he had ever seen, outlined by unfairly long eyelashes.

"Do I?" Sam leaned in closer.

"The prettiest," Bucky whispered back, fingers tracing his cheekbone gently.

Both leaned in even closer.

.

.

.

And were interrupted by Sam's phone ringing.

Bucky jumped and pulled back, flustered. He rushed around in the kitchen, pulling random things out.

"You should get that phone," he said, trying to ignore the blush on his cheeks.

"Should I?" Sam asked, and Bucky felt his standing close behind him. He startled slightly when his chin rested on his shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm really busy making... food you see," he said, breath hitching when Sam's arm wrapped around his waist and he tilted his head slightly, lips pressing on his pulse point.

"Are you?" Sam hummed, "What exactly will you make with salami, chocolate chips, and Cheetos?"

His brain short-circuited when he saw the ingredients on the counter.

"A new combination I'm trying," he muttered, turning around.

"New combination?" Sam asked, eyes glittering with amusement as he backed Bucky up against the counter.

"Mhm."

Sam just stood there for a moment, not breaking their eye contact, then pressed a lingering kiss on the corner of his lips, and backed away.

"I'll leave you to it then," he said with a dazzling smile, "That phone call sounded really important too," he strutted off.

Bucky stood against the counter in a daze for a while, cheeks red.

**********

("The sexual tension," MJ said, fanning herself. Peter nodded in agreement.

"Honestly, you'd think they'd kiss by now," Nat rolled her eyes, shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth as she watched the screen.

"But nooooo, Sam has to be a tease," Wanda scoffed, "Vision if you ever tease me, you are sleeping on the couch."

"Well, Wanda, seeing the fact that I do not slee-"

"Not the time, bud," Tony said, chewing on something contently.

"Bucky is a total bottom," Clint cackled, "Oh, he's never living this down."

"We've been knew," Yelena said dismissively, "Now shut up, the tea is hot here." She pulled a scalding cup of tea out of nowhere and sipped it for effect.

"We really shouldn't be doing this," Steve said sternly, tucked in his blankets. He started to speak but his eyes locked on Tony and narrowed.

"Stark."

"Rogers."

"Is that the last donut with red, white, blue sprinkles?")

**********

Mission: Idiots in Love- Phase Two/Two

"Mr. Sargeant James Bucky White Wolf Winter Soldier Barnes Sir!"

"NEVER. Call me that again," Bucky breathed, a hand on his chest, looking traumatized.

"Whatever you say Mr. Sargeant James Bucky White Wolf Winter Soldier Barnes Sir," Peter beamed at him sunnily.

"What do you want, spawn of Satan?"

"I found a sweater and MJ said I should give it to you," Peter smiled at him, all endearing and puppy-like.

Bucky sighed, not liking how weak he is for the kid, but smiled and pet his hair, "Thanks, kid."

**********

("What's with the sweater?" Clint asked.

"It's Wilson's," MJ smirked. Yelena gasped dramatically.

"Oh, you devious little insect."

"I'm a little lost here," Wanda announced, raising her hand.

"Sam totally has a kink when James uses any of his stuff," Nat said, "Remember when he drank from his mug?"

"Ohh yeah, I remember. He looked ready to jump him," Clint said, grinning.

"Does Peter know this?"

"No."

.

.

.

"Are Steve and Tony done fighting yet?"

"The cameras show that they've departed from the training rooms and are currently in bed together-"

"thaT'S ENOUGH VISION THANK YOU.")

**********

Bucky made a mental note to thank Peter and MJ because the sweater he was wearing was the softest and the most pleasant smelling one he's worn in a long time. It was blue and a little big on him, but comfortable.

He also realized that it was Sam's because he's seen the man wearing it around the compound, but hey, finders keepers and all that.

He was sitting on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs and scrolling through Instagram, when Sam came.

(Later, both would realize that all their romantic encounters happened in the kitchen and it was definitely not because of the fact that the author wants no drama so no missions and meetings and wants her soft boys to rest so no training or running. Not at all :) )

He stopped on the entryway of the kitchen. Bucky didn't look up, very engrossed in a particularly interesting reel.

Sam walked over to where he was on the counter, footsteps firm, and caged him between his arms, fingers trailing up to tug at the sweater.

"That's fucking mine," he said, voice deep and hoarse.

Bucky gulped slightly and placed his phone down, biting his lip, "Is it? Looks better on me, though."

Sam's fingers tightened on his waist, "Mhm, you look beautiful, like a pretty little angel."

Bucky's eyes widened at the sincerity in his voice.

"Doll."

"Yea?"

"If you're not kissing me in the next two second's, I'll-"

What he'll do will remain a mystery, because the moment Sam pressed their lips together, his mind blanked.

It was a small, tentative touch of their lips, gentle, testing.

Bucky pulled back slightly, and they both tilted their heads at the same time, noses bumping together. He chuckled as Sam looked at him fondly.

Then they were actually kissing.

And it wasn't like perfect like the movies because their lips don't move in unison, both starting at their own pace and too stubborn to adjust to the other's, and Buck's pretty sure his fingers are too tight where they are digging into Sam's shoulder blades, but then Sam took control and it still wasn't movie perfect because it was a tad too harsh, teeth nipping and clashing and hands grasping each other desperately and it was absolutely perfect and amazing because ohmygod they're kissing and he's perfect and whoever said sparks fly before your eyes is a liar because they can feel, see, smell, taste, hear no one else but each other and they should probably move this somewhere more private but who cares.

"You want this, right?" Sam asked, pulling away for a moment.

"Want thi- of course I want this, asshole," Bucky scoffed.

"Back to asshole?" Sam smiled.

"You'll always be an asshole in my heart," Bucky said innocently, placing a hand over his chest.

"Idiot," Sam sighed affectionately. And kissed him again.

**********

("Cover the tiny child's eyes!" Tony yelped, arms flailing around.

"You'll pull your stitches," Steve scolded.

"Don't cover my eyes!" Peter yelled, scooting away from Clint.

"Finally," Nat sighed, stretching.

"They grow up so fast," Yelena wiped off a fake tear.

"Hey, did anyone send this whole thing to the rest?" Clint asked, slowly advancing on Peter.

"Of course, I need to collect my money," Wanda scoffed, then cackled, "I'm gonna be rich."

"You scare me sometimes, love," Vision said, ignoring Clint tackling Peter and Peter's screech.)

**********

Sometime later:

"Wait," Sam looked down at Bucky who was laying in his lap, looking like he had an epiphany, "Was Peter trying to get us together?"

Sam paused.

"That little piece of shit."

"You love him," Bucky rolled his eyes.

"This is how I show my affection," Sam said.

They both looked at each other.

"Will Stark let us adopt him?"

"No," Bucky said, then his eyes lit up and he started to speak-

"No we are not kidnapping him," Sam deadpanned. Bucky pouted.

"Mr. Birdman, there's a delivery for you and Mr. Goth from Peter," FRIDAY said.

"Send it up, Fri," Bucky said.

.

.

.

They stared at the huge pack of chocolates and a sweet congratulations card followed by two adorable stuffed figurines of them both.

"...We're kidnapping him."

"Glad you agree."