Chapter 821

“How? No... what? No... how... how could she say that? I... I don’t understand?” even ask Zuhra formed the words she found herself lacking understanding.

Kat gave a shrug, “I can explain it the simple way or the long way,” offered Kat.

“I... I don’t understand why there’d be a difference... or even how she’d think that I should give Apep a chance in the first place... I... I just don’t get it...” said Zuhra.

“Well, the simple answer is that she doesn’t want you to end up like her, but the long answer is of course more complex,” said Kat easily.

“What? But... why not? She’s the owner of a successful business, has more intuitive understanding of people than anyone else I’ve ever known, her business has nearly doubled in size since she took over from her father, she was able to raise a son by herself perfectly well just because she decided not to have a husband. She’s one of the most well respected merchants in the city and the nearby countries. She might not have the largest merchant house but she is very well known. She’s highly educated in matters of both literature and economics... why would I not want that?” asked Zuhra.

Jara looked to Kat with a ‘yeah can you explain’ face, so Kat sighed and brought forth the memory of Belle and answered, with a sombre tone. “Belle doesn’t want you to become her because she’s a shell of a person,” Kat started to mark of things on her fingers, “she lives in her office. She doesn’t go on trips as often as she used to, she hasn’t visited her house in over a year, she eats spare products instead of proper meals, she works by a single lantern in her office, the business continues to exist mostly because of her former success and none of her current action, she can’t let go of a vendetta despite having virtually no evidence, and she has no idea what she’ll do when she accomplishes it anyway,”

“I... I... I didn’t think things had gotten so bad...” said Zuhra softly.

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Kat gave a shrug, “I don’t know what to tell you Zuhra. Belle still has her mind, her body hasn’t completely fallen apart and despite her bad habits she’s still better of than most... but she really is running on fumes in many ways. She doesn’t have that spark of life you see in most people’s eyes anymore. It feels like she runs on spite and the occasional flashback to better times. She can fake being alright pretty well and maybe some of the ideas I suggested to her will help but... frankly she’s not doing well...”

“I hadn’t noticed...” said Zuhra as she folded in on herself somewhat. “I should have been there to help her...”

Jara sighed, “I think that’s part of the point Zuhra. She doesn’t want you to turn out like her so I imagine she was intentionally putting up a good front whenever you had the chance to see her. I’m also not sure she wants the kind of help you’re talking about. As bitter and angry as she seems from Kat’s explanation... and as much as she doesn’t want you to become her... I get the sense she’s... well not content but perhaps... unwilling to move past it? Accepting of it as her fate?” suggested Jara.

“But it shouldn’t be! She’s so successful... she’s done so much for her company... so much for so many small villages... she might play it off as ‘good business sense’ but most of the other traders still don’t bother... I just can’t understand it...” said Zuhra.

“Consider this then,” said Jara, “you’re younger than her, just as well educated and currently working for one of the ten guardians. You’re also in a position to if not marry, at least become close to the heir to a second. I think that’s just as impressive if not more so considering you’re younger age... you could have a bright future you know?” Zuhra just gave a saddened shrug, “Well, seeing as you’ve calmed down now, even if it is perhaps a tad too far, what are your real thoughts about Apep?”

Zuhra sunk further into the chair as she finally decided to give the question it’s proper weight. What were her thoughts on Apep? The answer was still unclear. She hadn’t ever looked at him that way... or anyone at all since Gaston. A lot of things just... sort of happened in the background to her since his death. Nothing in particular stood out and without Jara forcing her to take breaks regularly Zuhra would be hard pressed to know how long it’d been or what day it was.

“I... I don’t really know?” offered Zuhra as her answer eventually. Seeing Jara’s unimpressed look directed at her from the side she tried to continue... “I mean... he’s cute... but more like a little boy I guess? Maybe that’s unfair but... Gaston was... he was impressive always. He had muscles that looked strong enough to break wood with just a flex. He had martial training he... he was... no... he felt POWERFUL. He had a sort of presence that drew you to him...

“It actually surprised me to find out I was someone he had a crush on... he was always showing off, flashing his teeth that I swear he had to polish instead of clean... he was more of an unreachable figure you know? I appreciated him, at the start, like one would appreciate a statue. Impressive from a distance, nice detailing up close, but ultimately not something to strive for. It is a statue at the end of the day...

“Except apparently not. No apparently he was very real and interested in me... and I just... I don’t really know how I could love someone else like that. Could replace him... I mean... Apep... Apep is so many things that Gaston wasn’t... and... I suppose I really don’t like the idea of replacing Gaston at all in my heart...”

Jara gave a small smile, “Nobody is asking you to forget him... but maybe this is good? Allow Gaston to be that larger than life figure. The one who swept you off your feet with muscles the size of boulders and a smile that outshines the sun. A wonderous magical encounter you can always remember...

“But perhaps you can also find a place in your heart for Apep. He is loyal, and while not as strong physically he’s smarter than he gives himself credit for a much stronger politically. Where Gaston would probably show off at a party to prove himself worthy of you time and time again, Apep would be happy to stand by your side. I’m sure they’d both offer you everything in the world if they could... but Gaston is not Apep and maybe it’s better that way. Instead of staying alone or finding a knock-off Gaston... why not look to Apep for a different kind of romance?” suggested Jara.

Kat turned her full attention to Zuhra. Jara had probably given the best pitch possibly, certainly better than anything believed she could think of. Lily was of a similar opinion. It was a great way of framing this development to Zuhra. It was a chance for Zuhra to move on without truly moving on. Perhaps she would in the future, perhaps not but it looked to be an excellent place to start, “I... I’m sorry but I just don’t know if that’s a good idea...” said Zuhra.

And it fell flat.

“Surely it’s worth giving him a chance though?” asked Jara carefully to make sure it didn’t sound like she was begging.

“Jara... this... you’re not talking about a new flavour of tea or I guess in your case testing out a new crossbreed of plants. Jara this... and please understand this time I mean you no ill will... but I don’t think you CAN understand. This... it’s a delicate matter and... sure maybe Apep is different enough... but I don’t want to just casually date him. Not only is giving him unfounded hope cruel I don’t want to even date someone I don’t at least have a small crush on. I just... I’m not sure I can see it going anywhere. I... I’m not saying no just yet... because I’ll admit that like Belle was worried about... I didn’t really see much of a future for me anywhere really... but I can’t see this working out yet...

“Hmm...” Zuhra turned to Kat and Lily. “What about you? What would you both do?”

Kat winced and glanced at Lily before deciding to go first, “You’re asking a hard question Zuhra. I’m asexual like Jara and I... well honestly I probably would just... not? I mean if Lily died NOW I’d end up like Belle no question about it... well that’s not true we bound ourselves together so it would literally kill me not figuratively. I... I don’t really know how to answer you Zuhra. The situation isn’t really all that similar and we’ve taken steps to avoid something like it... even if they were accidental.