Repeat After Me: I Am A Huge Asshole

Chase.

I was so fucked.

It had only been twenty four hours since our blow out and it's all I could think about. I blew it in dryland this morning mainly thanks to not being able to sleep last night. If she would just listen to me she would understand. She actually thought I rejected her. That I didn't want her? How could she see so blind. I knew she was angry at me in the kitchen yesterday morning, at least I thought I did. She was actually humiliated. I knew now how it looked. When she looked up at me she saw my clenched jaw, muscles straining to control themselves. Of course I couldn't look her in the eye. Every time I looked at her it was a struggle between wanting to apologize a million more times for the bruises that xtood out against her pale skin and wanting to do the dirtiest things I could think of. But she was so fragile. I knew she wasn't ready to have sex with me, and certainly not after what Will did. But she wanted me. I wanted her just as bad if not more, but I was trying not to push her. I pushed myself instead to keep it easy and simple with her. After seeing the look on her face Thursday, the way she blew up at Wyatt, I didn't want to make her feel like she owed me anything or to go too far with me to make herself feel better about what happened.

It all made sense as soon as she laid it out, but I was too late to realize how much damage was done. I cared about her too much to let her hurt herself, or do something she would regret. I was trying to give her space. Instead I made her feel like I didn't care about her at all once she was starting to feel okay again. The thought I regretted her because she had emotional and now physical baggage and I all but kicked her out. I knew I should have just talked to her, but she would never tell me she's not okay. Shes too stubborn.

I'd hoped she might finally answer me after John called her with the news, but I ended my own phone call with him twenty minutes ago and had heard nothing yet. The only reason I knew she was alive was because Olivia and Cass were back home with her, providing updates. I was still worried about Will showing up there, but I knew Willow needed some space. Olivia had actually banned me from the house temporarily. Willow didn't tell her much, but I told her everything. Never in my life did I think I would be the kind of guy who chased down a girl's friends just to hear about her. I had to put in almost as much work with her friends as I did with her. It was new to me, but also nice to see that she had some real friends. I jjst hoped they wouldn't take it out on Callum and Owen. Somehow everyone in their house wound up dating someone from our house nd both houses were respectively best friends.

I shook my head and groaed in frustration. My hair stuck up wildly from running my hands through it repeatedly. I was supposed to be getting showered and ready for class, but I had other plans. I could miss one more class. I dug my phone out of my pocket, dialing Wyatt's number. He answered on the second ring.

"Hey Andrews,". Another thing I never thought I'd see was not only having a conversation with Wyatt Birkett, but also the fact that he wasn't as much of an asshole as I thought. He was actually working to be civil with me.

"Hey. The lawyer called today, we have court Thursday nine A.M.. You're welcome to come if you want,'.

"Well that explains some things. Your coach will be getting an email today. Game is going to be rescheduled due to a 'team related conflict'"

"because he doesn't want to have to face us on the ice-"

"Knowing he has court the next day.". He finished the thought for me.

"Whatever, it's probably better that way. Any word of it yet'

"He told Kyle he was served a restraining order, said he messaged Willow once and she over reacted, that's it. He may have a lot of friends on the team, but they're more afraid of me than they like him. I don't know if they would have the balls to keep it from me if he told someone. How is she?'

I sighed. "She's pissed at me actually. I was babying her after what happened and she took it the wrong way. She stormed out yesterday and won't talk to me,". I don't know why I bothered to tell him this, its not like he actually liked me. Willow just wouldn't talk to him.

"yeah that sounds like her. She's stubborn as hell and it's worse when she's stressed. She hasn't talked to me either since she tore my head off,".

" I'm going to give her another day to cool off. If she doesn't answer me I'm going over there. One of the girls will let me in if she tries to hide. See you Thursday?"

"Yep. See you there,". With that he hung up the phone. He was kind of coming around to the idea of us being together but I knew he still hated it. We both had to get used to each other after hating each other for the last year and a half.

I threw my phone down on the bed and hopped in the shower. I was going to be late to class, but I was not walking around smelling like hockey equipment all day. After missing Friday, and now having to miss class again this thursday I was cutting it close being late, but so long as I didn't make a habit of it I would be fine. In order to stay on the team we needed to have a passable average. I was way above that for now, and my attendance before this was never a big issue. Coach clark was going to be pissed when he found out the real reason why they are rescheduling the game.

Callum texted me to tell me Willow talked to the lawyer and knew about Thursday, which should have been some kind of a relief but it was really just a reminder that she basically broke up with me. I tried my best to focus through my classes for the rest of the day, but I was checking my hone every few minutes just to see if she would text me. She had until tomorrow afternoon to get back to me before I showed up there to talk.

So for the rest of the day, and most of Tuesday I acted like a good little boy and crammed to get as much done as I could, even got ahead in my business management course. Something I never thought I would do. However as soon as my classes were done, I made my decision. Willow still hadn't said anything to me yet, and I was tired of letting her wallow in self pity. I knew she had been over thinking the situation she first thought I was distancing myself and I wasn't going to let her do it anymore. I was going to go over there and tell her exactly how I felt, no more tiptoeing around her.

As soon as I was in my truck, I started driving to her place. After being antsy all day thinking about the last conversation we had, I decided I wasn't waiting. She wanted me to tell her how I felt so I decided I would. She would be there before me since she got out a little bit earlier and lived closer to her school. I just hoped on of her room mated would be there to let me in. I parked my truck on the street, spotting Olivia's car in the driveway. I rushed up to the door and knocked, crossing my arms. I could hear the stereo blasting downstairs so I knocked again louder this time.

Finally Olivia opened the door. "Chase? Hey I don't know if she's ready to talk yet," She tried to step out on the porch, pulling the door behind her, but I wasn't having it

"Yeah, I don't really care if she is,". I stated " It's happening,". I stepped past her then took the stairs two at a time to Willow's room, knocking on the door.

"Olivia for the last time, I'm – Oh" Her voice went from irritated to shocked as she opened the door. Her eyes narrowed and she moved to close it, but I was faster. I stuck my foot in the door, pushing my way inside. She glared at me but I didn't care.

"Chase, I told you I let you off the hook,". She definitely was stubborn. One look at her told me she hadn't gone to school today. She had on a blue tank top which didn't hide her makeup-less face or throat. The bruises were on their way to yellowing but hadn't made it there yet. They were a melted palette of red and purple for now. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun, which happened to be one of my favorites.

"I don't want to be off the hook,", I stepped towards her and she took a step back, her blue eyes guarded. " I want to talk to you,".

She went to move around me but I grabbed her arms and held her in place. " I know I hurt your feelings and I'm sorry but you need to know why. It's not what you think. . . I swear to god Willow if you don't stop trying to run away I will throw you over my shoulder,". She was trying to wriggle her way around me, but I wasn't letting her leave. She has done enough running away from me.

Naturally, she either didn't believe me or thought I couldn't do it. She never learned. I don't make promises I can't keep. She tried once more to get around me, but it took me all of two seconds to drop and grab her around the waist, effectively following through on my threat. She shrieked and kicked at me but I wasn't letting up on her.

"chase! Put me down right now!" She snapped angrily.

"Oh I will," I said walking towards her bed I knew she was fragile right now, but she wouldn't listen to me if she could move away from me. I just hoped she didn't hit me. I would have deserved it anyway

"What are you-?"

Having reached her bed I dropped her down onto it with a soft thump. And climbed on top of her, grabbing both of her hands with both of mine. "I'm talking and you're listening. You didn't like me babying you, so this is me not babying you and not taking your shit over it,".

Her face was beat red up to her ears with what was most likely rage, but I kept my eyes glued to her beautiful blue ones. " I was giving you space. Not kicking you out. You are not too much and you are not damaged goods. Don't you ever say that about yourself again,". Her chest was heaving against mine

"You-"

"No," I said in a low voice I could see how it affected her, the same way it always did beneath her anger and humiliation. As tough as she can be, she loves the dominance in my voice when I talked to her like this.

I wasn't holding her tight enough that she couldn't get out if she really wanted to, which told me she was calming down, regardless of the red tint to her skin. She stared up at me silently, before dropping her eyes to my shirt. She was trying to hide it but they were welling with tears.

"Hey, " I said softer this time "Look at me,"

I knew my mistake as soon as I made it. When she refused wordlessly I let go of one of her hands and brought my hand down, intending to pull her face up to mine. However it was hard to get purchase at this angle so my thumb and forefinger slid beneath the curve of her jawline. Just a few inches higher than the place Will used to hold her breath hostage.

Her hand came into contact with my shoulder, surprisingly hard as the word "No!" tore it's way through her chest. Her eyes were wide now, both hands coming down on me, one foot connected with my thigh as I struggled to sit up. I groaned, grabbing her hands as she thrashed.

That, was also a mistake.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Get off of me!" she screeched. "Don't fucking touch me!"

I let go of her hands, raising mine beside my head as if I were a suspect and she was the arresting officer.I backed up off her bed and watched as  she clutched her blanket to her chest, tears streaming.

There was a bang behind me as the door connected with the corner of her dresser. "What the fuck is going on in here?"

Olivia grabbed my jacket in her fists and yanked me backwards, before moving around me to look at Willow. She approached her, eyes roaming all over her body to find the source of the screaming. She asked Willow in a low voice if she was alright. I stayed where I was, though I lowered my hands. My heart was pounding in my chest. I should have known better after everything she told me.

"Willow I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"You need to leave," Olivia's tone was flat, giving no room to argue but I tried it anyway.

"Olivia, I didn't mean to. I was trying to get her to look at me and I-"

"Wrapped your hands around my throat? Oh why not? He did it so why shouldn't you? It worked out well enough for him! Were you going to choke me out until I listened too?" She was angry now, standing up and throwing her arms as she yelled. She made sure to keep her distance still.

I was speechless, shaking my head back and forth. "i- What? No! It was a mistake. Willow, please," I took a step forward, wanting to sit beside her and hold her while I explained what happened. I knew she was vulnerable and i just wasn't thinking. She thought I was going to hurt her? My throat felt tight suddenly.

Olivia was in between us in a flash, effectively blocking my path. "Out. Now,".

"Olivia, please," I pleaded with her. It was no use. she stalked toward me, putting her hands on my shoulders. I let her walk me the few steps out of her room while I watched Willow clutch her neck, her other hand moving anxiously up to her wrist and down to her elbow.

Once we were out of the room, she turned and closed the door. I was already turned and headed down the stairs when she caught up with me and literally smacked me upside the head.

"What were you thinking?" She hissed

"i wanted to talk to her," I replied keeping my voice down. "I didn't think about it until afterwards," We reached the floor now and I turned to face her. "I did not wrap my hands around her throat, I swear. I tried to grab her chin but the angle-"

"I know you didn't, dumb ass." She sneered, opening the front door. "But if you put your hands anywhere near those bruises you may as well have," Her eyes met mine and I could see now that she wasn't really angry at me, just protecting her friend.

"What do I do?" I asked, running a hand through my hair.

She sighed, pulling the front door shut behind us while shaking her head so her blonde ponytail swished back and forth. "You leave her alone. Give her some space. Just because she seemed to handle it well, doesn't mean she did. Or is."

"I can't! Not after this? She thinks I wanted to hurt her,"

She shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest. "No she doesn't Chase. The last person who put his hands there did want to and you knew that. When you tried to do it, it gave her the same feelings she had last time it happened. She knows you wouldn't do that. What hurts is that you knew what he did and still tried it,".

I stared at her for a minute as i processed what she said. "I'm a huge asshole,". I sighed.

"You are a huge asshole," She agreed before stepping back through the door and clicking it shut.