Chapter 1

Greeting, gorgeous reader! Welcome to the story closest to my heart.

Personally, I've always struggled with my body image. I hate the way the numbers on the scale can affect my entire outlook on life, or the way food can dictate my moods. I've always envied the girls who don't have to break a sweat to stay slender, while I have so much respect for the women who put in the hours on the gym or make good eating choices every day.

This book was written at a time when I was searching for balance in my life - and now, over 6 million reads later, it seems to have helped thousands of other people too. Whether you're struggling with your weight, how you perceive your body imageor simply looking for a book with romance and heart, I hope this story touches you too.

Finally, apologies for all the words written with symbols - Wattpad's publishing system automatically scans for naughty words and ups the rating accordingly. I really want this story to stay PG-13 so it is accessible to most readers, as I believe the issues in this book touch so many people, and that's why you'll see silly words like r@pe and n1pples.

xxoo Kate

I stared deep down the barrel of the camera and told the world, "So, as far as I'm concerned, if you put your boobs out on display, don't act all indignant when someone looks at them!"

My scantily-clad guest, a twenty-something blogger from Melbourne, dressed in hotpants and a beaded corset which pushed her breasts up to her chin, hissed at me defensively, "Uh, I'm sorry, but that's totally wrong! It's my body and I have the choice to dress however I want, without being ogled by dirty old men!" She sat like a trucker, her knee-high leather boots spread wide apart.

"You're right." I sipped from my mug, feeling invincible at my expansive desk. "You do have the choice. You choose to dress like a slutty pirate wench, and that's your right. However, other people have the choice to react to your lack of modesty by looking at you. You can't tell me you're not asking for attention in that get-up?"

"Omigod, are you saying that I'm asking to get r@ped?" Chloe's glossy lips fell open in disgust.

Bugger. Why did people always misconstrue what I said?

As usual, my co-host saved me. Matt said, "Chloe, that's not what Evianna said. No woman, no matter how she's dressed, is ever asking for sexual assault. But, if you put yourself out on display, can you honestly say you're surprised if people look a little longer?"

Matt's eyes dropped to Chloe's heaving boobs, the n1pples just barely contained under the fabric. She noticed and squawked, "Oi, pervert! My eyes are up here!"

"Oh, get over yourself," I said, done with the silly girl. "God, even I can't stop staring at them, and I'm straight!"

Her mouth fell open, but nothing else came out. I looked back to the camera and began wrapping up the segment. "So, there you have it! Guys, we'd love to hear your opinions about dressing for attention on our Twitter feed, or you can hit our website, jumpstart.com.au."

"You're just jealous!" Chloe had apparently recovered, her scathing voice ringing loudly around the little studio. "Fat chicks like you are always jelly of hot bitches like me! You just wish you could wear what I wear and look this good. How many guys have you dated this year? Why would they want your squishy arse when they could have this?"

She stood, turning around and shaking her pert little rump at Matt and me. "Oh, sweetie," I said nicely, "hurry along before this 'fat chick' squashes you like a bug." I gave her a menacing look and she quailed.

Matt leaned over, rubbing his hand soothingly on my back. "And, for the record, plenty of men out there prefer the curvy woman who knows how to dress, rather than the stick insect who looks like she raided the dress-up bin at a childcare centre. Evianna is a stunning woman; I know I'd be lucky to take her out on a date."

I laughed loudly, falling into our usual flirty banter for the camera. "Matt, my dear, you wouldn't know what to do with all of this!" I shimmied at him and he winked at me, his eyes a shining hazel today.

"We'll see you right after this break," I told our audience as our producer, Robbo, waved at me to throw to commercial. The lighting dimmed and the camera went dead.

"Okay, you guys, great work!" Robbo pointed security towards Chloe to escort her out of the building, and I watched the little vixen desperately try to get Matt's attention as she left. Unsurprising; Matt was the reigning hunk of Australian morning live chat TV.

With eyes that changed with his moods and a fall of silky light brown hair, Matt was like a walking dream. He wasn't overly tall, but his streamlined physique made him a perfect specimen of a man, and women all over the country tuned in every day just to witness his bright, white grin.

Tearing my gaze away from my gorgeous co-host, I turned to my less-than-gorgeous producer. "Sorry, Robbo. I should have realised Miss No-Pants was about to escalate." I apologised as the make-up girl ran over and dusted powder of my shiny nose; I seemed to be sweating buckets lately.

Robbo flapped a hand at me. "Don't be sorry! We just about crashed Twitter with the fatties of this country rushing to your defence! Ratings are gonna be good this week, people!"

I flinched at his callow attitude. Even though I'd been hired originally as the token 'big' girl for the show, I still hated the way anyone with a BMI over 25 was automatically seen as the bottom rung of society. But market research showed that morning TV audiences wanted a man to lust over and a woman they could relate to. I was the plus-sized voice of Australia.

Robbo rushed off again, yelling at a production assistant. Matt turned to me, conscious of my mood. "Are you okay? You know you're worth ten of a girl like that, right?"

I brushed away his gentle words, bluffing, "I know I weigh ten of a girl like that!" I laughed and Matt didn't. "I'm fine! After all, it's not like I'm a dateless wonder, or anything." Lies. All lies. I hadn't had a date in two years.

"As long as you didn't take it to heart." Matt's eyes darkened slightly in concern.

How can I take it to heart when Chloe's horrid sentiments already live there? Nothing the skinny skank said was untrue, even though I hated myself for feeling that way. I might have rolled my eyes in disgust at Chloe's outfit, but I would have traded for her body in a second.

I was a total hypocrite; to my public, I was the loud-mouthed and body-confident Evi, the big girl and TV star who loved to laugh and was 100% proud of who she was and encouraged others to feel the same. But whenever I was alone, I receded back into myself, stuck in endless cycles of body loathing and over-eating, wishing that I looked like the girls who regularly fawned over Matt.

"Don't you worry about this 'fat chick,'" I said, using Chloe's nasty tone in jest. Turning my face towards the auto-prompter, I readied myself for the end of the ad break. "I couldn't be better!"

***

After the show, Matt and I stood, stretching after long hours in our desk chairs. "Done! Another brilliant show, hey?" I said.

"It was a good one. Hey, Evi..."

Matt's tone was leading and serious. I turned to him. "Yes?"

"Are you coming out with the crew tonight?"

I wrinkled my nose. Thursday's were the traditional piss-up for everyone who worked on the show. I normally avoided going to the Opal bar; the funky inner-city pub was frequented by wraith-like models and stick-insect business women, who always draped themselves over Matt like wafer-thin blankets. Watching it happen wasn't my idea of fun. Fun for me was promise of my couch, the extra-large pizza and the salted caramel ice-cream combo waiting for me at home. "Matt, you know I hate that place. It's so pretentious."

He tilted his head, a knowing squint in his eyes. "It's not there. We're going down to the barbeque spot on the hill at Coogee Beach. It's only just around the corner from your place."

"I don't know..." The late summer evening would be glorious from the cliff-top park area, but I still resisted.

"Evianna, please." Matt slid his arm through mine, and automatically, I tried to tense my bicep to make it appear less bulgy and soft. "We never see you outside of work. Come down, have a few drinks. For me?"

As always, when Matt touched me, it became hard to think clearly. Against my instincts, I said, "Okay."

His face broke into a smile of pure pleasure, his teeth glinting under the still bright studio lights. "Great! I'm heading down there about six."

"I'll meet you there." Despite my misgivings, a small flutter beat beneath my underwire, an excitement I knew I should squelch but couldn't. He's just asking to be nice. Someone like him could never like me. He'll end up with someone like...

"Hi, guys!" Right on cue, Taylor appeared.

The Jump Start weather girl was tiny, blonde and adorable. She'd never been anything but syrupy sweet to me, but irrationally, I couldn't stand her. Perhaps it was her perpetually sunny attitude, or irritating cute giggle, or the way she looked perfect all the damn time even walking into the studio at 5am, but something about Taylor made me want to shave her head and tattoo 'empty' across her skull.

"Gosh, what a great show today! Oh, Matt, did I hear you say you're going to the barbeque tonight?" The nymph fluffed her wretchedly perfect locks, nudging him gently with her bare shoulder. She was barely clothed in the skimpy yellow summer dress wardrobe had assigned her for the morning.

Matt looked slightly uncomfortable at her nearness. "Uh... yeah, Evianna and I are both going."

She lit up like a glow stick. "Yay! I can't wait to see you there! Matt, I'm hoping to run some ideas past you for next week." She turned to me, pale eyes full of innocence. "Evi, I'd ask for your help too, but I just saw Robbo; he's asked to see you upstairs."

It smacked of bull, but then I looked at the two pretty people in front of me; Matt, with his universal good looks, Taylor, with her extreme blonde pixie vibe. I don't belong here. "Cool. Thanks."

"I'll see you tonight, Evianna." Matt released my arm, squeezing my elbow meaningfully.

I knew he'd hold me to it; Matt was the kind of guy who'd force the big girl to come out and have fun, even if she didn't feel like it. "See you."

It always tore at my insides to walk away from Matt at the end of a broadcast. We might have sat next to each other for hours every morning, but it was never enough. Because, despite being the big girl, despite all my brazen confidence as we flirted on camera, despite all logic, I wanted him. I liked him. I was infatuated with him.

It might have even been love.

At the door to the corridor, I paused, unable to resist looking back one more time. Taylor stood, her legs crossed coquettishly as she stared up into Matt's eyes, while he rubbed his head and laughed at something she said. They looked like a couple. They were balanced. When Matt stood next to me, I felt like I literally outweighed him.

It's never going to happen, I reminded my lonely soul, then lumbered off to change.

Have you ever felt like you outweighed the people around you before?  Vote before you move on please!