Chapter 22

Hello, gorgeous reader! Let's mix things up a bit - how about you click the star and vote now, at the start of the chapter? And for your trouble, I present to you an extra long chapter :) Much love, Kate

Thursday afternoon found me on the beach as I untied my sarong and laid it on the sand underneath the sky-blue sails. I'd only worn the big piece of cloth for a few hours around the crew, but it felt somehow wrong to be wearing anything at all. Sighing happily to be naked again, I stretched my legs in front of me and wriggled my toes into the warm sand.

Over the four days I'd spent at Kaivalya, I'd fallen into a blissful routine I never wanted to change. I'd become a total yoga junkie, attending both the morning and evening classes, and hung out in the kitchen with Eli whenever I had downtime. Heather and I were attached at the hip every other minute, walking on the beach, wandering around the campsite, discussing life, the universe and everything with the other campers. The retreat was a true paradise, and the end of the week was racing towards me far too fast.

Heather crawled over to share my sarong. "Did the crew get away okay?"

"They're a bit overwhelmed," I grinned, "but they'll survive. I'm just glad I don't miss out on this."

Joe's afternoon beach lectures had fast become my favourite part of the day. Settled on the sheltered beach, with the ocean as the background track, Joe's intelligent and applicable lessons struck a chord deep into my soul.

The man himself stood in front of the group, stately despite his naked state. "Let's begin. Today's talk is about attachment and happiness. Let me ask a quick question of someone... Robert, what do you need to be happy?"

The middle-aged man was the owner of an extremely large clothing chain, with shops in every town in the country. He considered Joe's query. "Well, I suppose I need to have my family in good health, my home, money in the bank, business doing well, and enough time to keep myself relaxed."

"That's a pretty normal list," said Joe. He addressed the rest of us. "Have a think, everybody; what do you need? What are your standards for being happy?"

My criteria were similar to Robert's; my job, my health, good finances, my house, Heather, Matt.

"Now, ask yourself – what are the chances that you might not always have everything in your list? Is it possible that you might lose your job, or your relationship might break down, or you might experience health issues, or be too busy?"

Everyone nodded.

"What happens then? If our happiness is dependent on outside factors, then there is a good chance you'll experience long periods of unhappiness."

Joe gestured as he strode before us. "This is what we mean when we say attachment. If you have to be in a relationship to be happy, you'll be a miserable single person, who may not attract anyone else in that state. If your happiness is linked to money, your misery will rise and fall with every dollar.

"To be truly happy, we must give ourselves different criteria. We have to deliberately rise above a rigid set of happiness laws and seek to release ourselves from attachment. So rather than say, 'I can only be happy in a relationship,' consider, 'I am happy in my own company.' Instead of basing your happiness off your success, remember that you are enough, no matter what your bank balance looks like."

He smiled. "This is a hard concept, but it's worth thinking about. We have a generation of Australians living with depression, anxiety and stress because we're all running around, so worried about what we don't have and clinging tightly to what we do have. Happiness is a choice, and it's one we must seek to make every day, regardless of what is happening around us."

"What about death?" Everyone turned to look at Marlena, a barrister who was always in the news for handling dramatic cases. "My dad died last year, and he was only 53. Are you telling me I'm supposed to be happy when he's gone?"

Her voice choked on the last word, and my heart flew out to her. Joe shook his head. "Death is a topic for another day, but I will say that some cultures celebrate life, rather than mourning the passing of a loved one. Do you believe your father would want you to be forever miserable over his passing?"

She shook her head, tears rolling down her high cheekbones and onto her bare knees, tucked into her chest. "But I miss him so much."

"Everyone has their own beliefs when it comes to death, but I'll share mine. You are not your body. You are not your thoughts. You are not your actions. You are a spirit, and your soul cannot be destroyed." He crouched down and placed a gentle hand on Marlena's shoulder. "Nobody ever really dies."

I watched as others crowded forward to offer Marlena comfort. I wasn't sure about my own views on the afterlife, but the idea of attachment certainly resonated with me. My entire life, I'd been chasing a moving finishing line, convincing myself that when I finally lost ten kilos, or landed the perfect man, or saved enough in the bank, I'd be happy. In that moment on the beach, I took a deep breath and accepted the idea that I could be happy, just me as I was, all on my own.

As the lecture wound up, Joe came over to where we sat. "Ladies, as it is your final night with us, I'd like to invite you to stay back after tonight's yoga session for a blessing."

"What does that involve?" I asked.

"I've spent many years working with people's potential, and one of my gifts is the ability to speak out over the lives of others." His beatific face was open and honest. "I will lay my hands on you both, and you will receive my blessing; a word about the future, your present or your past."

I'd never been interested in seeing a psychic or reading my horoscope, but I trusted Joe. Patty had told me all about his background, studying meditation in India, working with healers from every walk of life, and his gifts of perception and foresight. "I'd really like that," I responded.

"Count me in!" said Heather, buzzing with excitement and open to the universe as always.

***

After the evening hot yoga session, those of us who were due to leave the next day hung back, sitting cross-legged on our mats in the warm, dark space.

I tried to concentrate on my meditation and breathing while listening to Joe murmuring to the other people around me, but there were burbles of nervousness inside my belly.

Finally, Joe moved behind me, laying one large hand on my shoulder, and the other on my head. "Evianna," he said, his deep voice vibrating through me, "you are a woman of strength and influence."

With only a few words, I found myself emotional, tears I couldn't help flowing from under my closed eyelids.

"You will change the world, in ways you can't begin to imagine. Your impact will spread around this country, then across the globe, altering lives for the better. Your words, who you are, will touch millions. Like a renewing fire, you will inspire a generation to betterment and bring peace and love into countless lives.

"And you will do all of this, not through miracles or grand stunts, but by the simple choices you make, every day. By simply being you, Evianna, the glorious spirit you were meant to be, you will shine like a beacon of hope. Embrace your light."

I wept, allowing his words to wash over me.

"Even when hard times come, even when you might fell you cannot endure, you will rise above like the phoenix, and all who see you will be ignited by your glow. Remember your divine nature, remember that you are complete and whole, regardless of the world around you. Remember these words, every day."

He continued to hold my head long after he finished talking, allowing my tears to dry. While my eyes were closed, I had the strangest sensation of a golden fire rising from the top of my head, and a peaceful calm settled over me.

Eventually, he drew me backwards until I was lying on my mat, and I lay there for an age, contemplating higher concepts than I'd ever stretched my mind open for before.

When I came back to myself, everyone else was gone. Stepping out of the cool room, I wandered back towards our cabin, where Heather sat on the swing hammock on our small veranda.

"Well, that was intense," I said, lowering myself down next to her, the two of us rocking to the sound of the ocean.

"I'll say. What did he tell you?"

"I'm the voice of a generation, apparently."

She grinned, her tooth gap large in the low light. "I could have told you that."

"What about you?"

"He mentioned transition and embracing a new journey, that I shouldn't be afraid."

"Motherhood?"

"The scariest journey of all." She looped her arm through mine. "Speaking of journeys, we need to chat about what comes next for you, my girl."

"Do we have to? Can't I just stay here in a naked bubble forever?"

"I'm pretty sure Matt and about a million breakfast TV viewers might have an issue with that. Besides, I'd be a pretty crummy life-coach if I didn't make sure that you could continue all this good work back in the real world. After this week, you have to do it on your own."

The thought of being accountable for my food and activity again felt daunting. I scrunched up my nose. "Okay, what are your instructions, oh wise guru?"

"Number one is for your body; you need to swim, as many days as you can."

"But what if it's cold?"

"Indoor pool. No excuses. You spend hours every day inside, you need to balance that out with time in the elements."

"Right-o. Swimming. What else?"

"Next, for your health - conscious food choices. Stop labelling everything as good food or bad food, and just aim for whole foods as much as you can. Experiment with new restaurants, plan ahead and avoid processed stuff."

"But it's really hard! I'm only cooking for me at home, and take out is so much easier."

"Not good enough. You know now that your body is an incredible machine, and it's going to carry you around for the next eighty years if you take care of it right. So, the right choices, please."

"I'll do my best."

"Last, you need something for your soul. That's where yoga comes in. Joe told me about a hot yoga studio in Coogee, just a five minute walk from your house. Sign up when you get home, go along three times a week, and the peace you've been feeling here will spread to the rest of your life."

"Soul, body, health. What about my heart?"

She nudged me playfully with her shoulder. "I'm pretty sure Matt is going to have that covered."

I blushed. "We'll see."

"So, can you promise me you'll do your best every day, even if I'm not around to kick your butt?"

"Oh, you might not be in the room next door, but I'll have a reminder still." I reached across to my naked hip and peeled away the sticking plaster, revealing the tattoo that Shelley had worked so hard on in Darwin.

In the warm light from the windows behind us, the unique design looked almost alive. At first glance, it appeared to be a simple circle of flames licking up my side. When you looked closer, the letters emerged, revealing the message, 'Every day.' The ink I'd chosen was the exact shade of Heather's vibrant hair, a glowing strawberry red, inspired by the girl who'd ignited my life.

She got it instantly, her eyes flooding with tears. "Oh, Evi." Tilting her head, she looked at the design closely. "You know, it looks just like a lotus flower."

I craned my neck, seeing the same thing. "You're right! I never realised that before. I wonder if Shelley realised."

"You should ask Joe about lotus flowers before we leave tomorrow. They're pretty special."

"You're pretty special." I stilled myself as I prepared to open my heart even further to her. "Heather, I got this tattoo so I would always carry this journey and you around with me under my skin. You have literally transformed me, opened me up to a whole new world of potential. Thank you, my friend, with everything in my heart. I can't ever pay you back for the way you've changed me; I wouldn't even know how to try."

"You know you don't have to." She enfolded her hand over mine. "I knew we were connected, even before we met, but you're so much more than a client to me. You're my closest friend, too. If you feel like you need to pay me back, you can do it in dinners and girly phone-calls and coming to my baby shower and making me a bridesmaid at your wedding when you marry Matt."

I laughed, and it felt like pure joy pouring out of me. "Deal."

We stayed awake until the wee hours, lying across from each other in the little cabin, giggling and whispering until the sun began to lighten the sky on our last day before the real world crashed back into our lives.

***

"So, although the lifestyle here isn't for everyone, the spirit of Kaivalya is something we can all be inspired by. Kaivalya means the state of absolute freedom from conditioned existence. As humans, we can all benefit from taking a moment to truly ask ourselves, 'What am I conditioned to? What does my happiness depend on? How attached am I?'

I stood on the beach in my rainbow sarong, addressing the country, feeling like a beam of pure light radiating out towards the camera. My every word was flame, my logic clear, my passion strong.

It had been the best report so far; I'd focused less on the nudity and more on the whole living aspect of the retreat. Eli had featured prominently, standing in the kitchen in his rough cotton apron, explaining in his smooth words about the need for less processed food and more fuel-based foods. He was so gorgeous on camera, as the crew arrived to film us that morning, they passed on a frantic message from Robbo, who was desperate to immediately sign the blond, dreadlocked demi-god for his own cooking segment on our show.

Eli had simply shrugged at the offer. "I'm pretty happy here right now," he said. "But when you're ready to start changing the face of Australia, give me a call."

Now, with the report and my journey almost over, I had a few loose ends to tie up. "I know I've learned an incredible amount from my time here. I've discovered that I am complete and whole, and I can be happy despite what the world throws at me. I've found peace and new knowledge, and a better understanding of what makes my body function. Thanks so much to Joe, Patty, Eli, and everyone here at Kaivalya. You've given me a gift I can't put a price on."

I squared my shoulders and concentrated on remembering everything I had to say. "But this journey wouldn't have been possible without the help of so many people across the country. Thanks to Jace Lightfoot and the team at World Feast in Sydney, for showing us that charity and commercialism can work hand-in-hand for a better future, and to Lightfoot personally for his education on confidence and charisma.

"In Darwin, I spent a week with an extraordinary woman by the name of Shelley, who taught me more truth about beauty than twenty-ish years of reading Cosmo and Vanity Fair. She is my modern day guru on all things ascetic.

"Under the Gold Coast sun, Dr Blake and his staff at Radiance Beauty educated me to clear my mind from judgement, and in the wilds of WA, I met a crew of miners who opened my eyes to huge issues like depression and alcohol that I never knew existed. Jake and Joel, if you boys are watching, come and visit us in Sydney soon."

"And all the way back to Melbourne Fashion Week where we began, I learned from designers like ladies from Amazing Curves and Imogen Saks that fashion is for everyone, and although feeling beautiful starts on the inside, it's something we can all feel on the outside, no matter our size."

Beaming, I prepared for the biggest thank you of all. "Finally, I have to acknowledge the work of Heather Athru." Before she could protest, I pulled my towel-clad friend into shot, showing her off to the country. "You may not recognise her face, but this woman is single-handledly responsible for the success of some of the biggest names and brightest people around Australia, and she's the best human I've ever met."

Heather blushed furiously under her freckles as I said, "I used to think heroes were only people who ran into burning buildings or worked to find a cure for AIDS; now, I can honestly say there are heroes all around us. They are the people who inspire us to greater things, who change the way we view the world, the way we see ourselves. Heather, you are that person to me. You are my hero. Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome," she said and we hugged, while the people around us clapped enthusiastically.

I brought my swelling emotions back under control as I addressed the camera again. "So, viewers, I'll be back at the desk next week, ready to bring everything I've learned back to my everyday life, and hopefully, I can share some of my new found knowledge with you, too."

Matt and Taylor were both smiling at me from the screen beside the camera. Matt spoke first, "We can't wait to have you back, Evianna."

"You're glowing, Evi!" said Taylor, genuinely effusive. "Whatever's in the water up there, I need to try it!"

"Speaking of water, my friends and I are about to take a dip in the ocean," I said, a ridiculous grin spreading over my face, lifting my cheeks up to my eyes. "From all of us here in Byron Bay, Namaste, Australia!"

I blew a kiss to the lens, then turned my back to the camera, and dropped my sarong. As I did, Heather and twenty other Kaivalya guests ran shrieking and naked towards the surf. I joined them, laughing hysterically as we bared our bums to the nation and dove into the waves like playful seals, embracing the spirit of pure freedom and joy.

***

Showered, packed and dressed, Heather and I were saying goodbye at the Heart Centre. There were tears and email exchanges, and I'd already booked a cabin for a week the next year.

"Thank you again, Patty," I said, hugging the smaller woman, her naked skin against my maxi dress. "Is Joe around? I need to say bye now, or Heather and I will miss our flights."

"He's down in the garden, dear."

I threaded my way through the circular beds to where Joe stood by the fountain. He wore a simple white robe, and coupled with his silver hair and timeless features made him appear even more like a mystic than I already believed him to be.

"Evianna," he said, his grey eyes soft. "You are leaving."

"I am. Joe, thank you, for everything. I hope I can live up to the image of you have of my future."

"You will," he said, serenely bending to pluck a vibrant red flower from the water. "Take this with you, as a reminder."

"A lotus!" I said, reaching from the surprisingly large bloom. It did bear a remarkable resemblance to the design on my hip.

"Do you know why the lotus is so revered, Evi?"

"No, I don't."

"Many believe that the heart chakra is green, like the outer petals of a lotus flower. But when your heart opens to its fullest, it transforms from green into a perfect pink; blooming, open, beautiful."

I delicately touched the petals of the gift. "I think my heart is almost that open."

"It is. Remember though, the lotus may be beautiful, but it grows in mud and dirty water. The flower rises above, just as in life, we must rise above the pain and trouble that seek to crush us down."

He leaned over to me and kissed me on the forehead, directly over my third eye. "You will rise above, Evianna. Remember the lotus. Remember your calling."

"Thank you, Joe," I said, overwhelmed but certain of the power and strength finally blooming inside me.

I left him standing in the garden, a beatific sage, and raced for the old Jeep where Heather was chatting on her phone.

"I thought you'd be mad, considering the whole of Australia saw my bum. You're amazing, baby. I can't wait to see you tonight. You too. Oh, that sounds amazing. We're jumping in the car now. I love you so much, Andie. Mwah!" She slid the phone off and said to me, "Let's go home, lady."

"Let's."

We bumped our way out of the retreat site, unlocking the gate which only a few days before had seemed so menacing, and now felt like closing the door on the most transformative time in my life.

As we hit the main road, I sighed. "I'm still not sure if I'm ready to go back to the real world."

"You'll do fine. Besides, I'm pretty sure there's a Matt who might just implode if you don't go home. I'd be surprised if he's not on your doorstep when you get home."

"Maybe," I grinned.

"Did you decide anything yet? About what you're going to do next?"

"I'm ready," I said simply. "I don't think I was until this moment, but I am. I'm the most grounded, most confident, most peaceful within myself I've ever been." I brushed the lotus flower down my cheek, shivering in blissful anticipation. "I'm hopeful and I'm open and I'm ready."

"I'm so glad, Evi." Heather beamed at me, almost deliriously happy in her white jeans and pale green tank.

"What about you? Is Andie okay?"

"She's great! I expected some passive-aggressive nonsense after a week off-line and the nudie-run, but she was so excited just to know I'm on my way home."

"Are you happy?"

She glanced over, her trade-mark grin alighting her features. "I'm the happiest I've ever been."

I smiled along with her. "What about trying for a baby again? How are you feeling about that?"

Heather turned the steering wheel into an easy curve in the road, and we both swayed a little as the Jeep pulled against the bend. "I feel hopeful! This time in a year-"

A truck came flying around the curve, just a foot over on our side of the road. His grill hit the hood of our Jeep and the world exploded.

***

When I came to, everything was sideways. All I could taste was metal, and no air seemed to be making it into my lungs.

"Heather?" My voice sounded like an old lady's, croaky and weak. The Jeep was resting on its side, so my shoulder touched the ground through the broken window, and I was pinned in my seat by the belt.

Something felt cool on my cheek. I lifted my hand, the lotus bloom still in my fingers, and the blood that came away from my face was as red as the flower. Everything was quiet, a horrible eerie silence. I need to get out. Where is Heather?

I looked upwards to where she should have been sitting, but the entire side of the Jeep was missing. Heather, the steering wheel, the seat, all gone. "Heather!" I called out again, panic lifting my voice, causing it to crackle in my throat.

My right arm was numb, the bones floppy, but my left seemed to be working. I used it to release my seatbelt, and I fell loose, hard onto the door frame. The windscreen was broken, and I shakily crawled through it, glass ripping open my skin and tearing at my skirt. I tried to stand, holding onto the side of the destroyed vehicle, looking around for any sight of my friend. "Heather! Can you hear me?"

Silence. The road was above me; at the bottom of an embankment, I was on my own in the bush with no help.

My heart clenched inside me; nothing mattered until I found her. Limping heavily, I backtracked behind the Jeep, following the trail of luggage and car parts that had spewed forth as we'd rolled and flipped down the embankment.

A flash of red through the scrubby trees; I saw her. "Heather! Heather, are you okay?" I staggered forward towards her where she lay beside the snapped car seat. "Heather?"

As soon as I saw her face, I knew she was gone. It wasn't just the impossible angle of her neck or the enormous hole in her chest, but the lack of light in her features. Heather had always vibrated with energy; the shell on the ground no longer housed the spirit of my friend.

"No..." I sank to my knees in the dirt, unable to even absorb what I was seeing. Her face still bore a ghost of the smile she'd been wearing the second before impact. "No, no, Heather, you're fine, you're fine, it's okay, please, be okay..."

But I knew it was over, that she'd died the second of impact. There would be no miracle, no desperate attempts at CPR, no helicopter rescue. Heather was dead.

I reached for her, pulling her head into my lap, her hair stained an even deeper crimson by the halo of blood that had pooled under her. "Heather, no..." I brushed the strands from her sweet face, her lips open just an inch, showing that gap between her teeth which had winked through her smiles for the last time.

"This isn't how it's meant to be. You're going home, and Andie is waiting for you. You're going to get pregnant, and I'm going to buy you baby clothes and listen to you talk about how fat you're getting.

"You'll be an amazing mother, and your baby will be as beautiful as you. We'll be friends until we're old and batty, rocking on our chairs together and boasting about our grandkids. Heather, please. That's how it goes. Please. Please..."

My tears fell onto her closed eyes, the hazel orbs that would never see the sky again. A deep tearing ripped through my insides and I keened. All I wanted to do was scream, ragged and hoarse, over and over again until my vocal chords ruptured.

But the wave of grief receded enough for me to realise this moment wasn't about me. It was about her, her very last moment and I owed it to her to make it as peaceful as I could.

I kissed her head and placed the lotus over her heart. "I love you, Heather. Don't be scared. I'm here. I'll stay right here, so you know it's all okay, I've got everything here. You can go, wherever you need to go. Don't be scared. I'm right here."

From a distance, I heard sirens but they meant nothing. I cradled my friend and whispered words of comfort to her spirit, hoping that she heard, hoping that it helped.

So, I expect abusive messages, and I'm prepared for that. Again, I only channel these stories, and this is something that was always going to happen. The only comments that will really disappoint me are the ones that say, "I'm done," or "Here's where I stop reading, you ruined it." I'll tell you why; in life, we can't just put things down when the get too hard. If we quit every time something gets unpleasant or sad, we'll never get anywhere.

I'm asking that you trust me, trust my vision and my story, and persist. Because right now, you're in the same position as Evi - you face a game-changing event, and how you react will show your character. So, for the people reading who understand that life has ebbs and flows, I look forward to seeing you in the chapters to come.

Leave me a comment. Much love, Kate