From Blood and Ash: Chapter 32

Our group rode hard, the pace aggressive and jarring, and we were three guards short of when we left Masadonia. A few hours later, we found Noah’s horse grazing, and once he was tethered to Luddie’s mount, we were on our way once more.

Having stopped just outside of Three Rivers for only a few hours to rest the horses, we traveled straight through the night. My heart was heavy, my legs numb and sore, and I was worried.

Phillips didn’t speak of what I’d done once the others joined us, but he kept stealing glances at me. Each time, he looked at me as if he weren’t sure I was real, reminding me of the glances the servants had sent my way whenever they saw me veiled.

It made me uncomfortable, but it was nothing like Hawke’s response to my gift.

He’d stared at me over Airrick’s body as if I were a puzzle missing all the edge pieces. Obviously, he was surprised, not that I could blame him. I’d figured he’d have questions. When we stopped outside of Three Rivers, I tried to speak to him about what I’d done, but all he did was shake his head. Just told me “later” and said to get some rest. I, of course, resisted, which ended with him either pretending to fall asleep beside me or actually going to sleep.

I didn’t know if he was mad or disturbed or…upset that I hadn’t told him, but I didn’t regret using my gift to ease Airrick’s passing. Hawke and I would talk, and later may come sooner than he wanted. But I managed to resist using my gift to determine how he felt. I’d rather him tell me than for me to cheat.

Because reading his emotions right now would feel like cheating.

By the time we reached New Haven, dusk was quickly upon us. We passed through the small Rise with little issue. Hawke dismounted and walked ahead to talk to one of the guards before swinging back up onto the horse behind me, leading the way through the cobblestone street.

Kieran had taken Airrick’s place, riding alongside us as we traveled through the sleepy town surrounded by a heavily wooded area. We passed shuttered businesses, closed for the evening, and then entered a residential area. The homes were as small as the ones in the Lower Ward but not nearly as stacked on top of one another. They were also in much better condition. The small trading town was obviously profitable, and the Royal who ruled over this city, apparently had a better grip on maintenance than the Teermans did.

It was about a block into the neighborhood when the door to the first house opened, and an older, brown-skinned man stepped out. He said nothing, simply nodded at Kieran and Hawke as we passed. Behind the man, a young boy ran out and to the house next door. He banged on the door, and shutters swung open. Ahead of us, Phillips’ hand moved to his sword as another young lad stuck his head out. “My papa is—” He broke off, eyes widening as he saw our little caravan. He whooped, and with a toothy grin, he disappeared back into the house, yelling for his father.

The boy from the first house ran two doors down, summoning another child, this one a girl with hair redder than mine. Her eyes grew as wide as saucers when she saw us.

Then, across the street, another door opened, this time revealing a middle-aged woman with a small child on her hip. She grinned, and the child waved. Lifting a hand, I gave an awkward wave back, and then I noticed that the first boy had gained quite a crew. An entire group of children followed our progress on the sidewalk now, and more and more doors opened as the people of New Haven came out to watch. None of them called out. Some waved. Others smiled. Only a few looked on wryly from their front stoops.

I leaned back and whispered, “This is a little odd.”

“I don’t think they get a lot of visitors,” Hawke answered, squeezing my waist, and my stupid heart jumped a little in my chest in response.

“This is an exciting day for them,” Kieran commented drolly.

“Is it?” murmured Hawke.

“They behave as if royalty is among them.”

Hawke snorted. “Then they truly must not get many visitors.”

Kieran slid him a long, sideways look, but Hawke seemed to have relaxed behind me, and I took that as a good sign.

“Have you been here before?” I asked.

“Only briefly.”

I glanced over at Kieran. “You?”

“I’ve passed through a time or two.”

I raised a brow, but then Haven Keep came into view. Situated near the woods, it didn’t employ a secondary wall like Teerman Castle did, but it was also nowhere near its size. Only two stories tall, the greenish-gray stone structure looked like it had survived a different era.

Barely.

We rode forward just as something cold touched the tip of my nose. I looked up. Snowflakes fell haphazardly as we crossed the yard, heading toward the stables. Several guards in black waited, nodding as we entered the open space that smelled of horse and hay.

I exhaled raggedly, briefly closing my eyes as I loosened my grip on the saddle. The trek across the kingdom was nowhere near complete, but at least for the night, we had a bed, four walls, and a roof.

Things I would no longer take for granted.

Hawke dropped down behind me and turned, lifting his arms as he wiggled his fingers. I arched a brow and then slid off the other side of the horse.

Hawke sighed.

Grinning, I rubbed Setti’s neck, hoping he would get a tummy full of the best hay and some rest. He deserved it.

With the saddlebag draped over his shoulder, Hawke came to my side. “Stay close to me.”

“Of course.”

He shot me a look that said my quick agreement was not to be trusted. Once the others joined us, we exited. The snow was coming down a little harder now, dusting the ground. I pulled my cloak around me as the front entrance opened, revealing another guard—a tall blond with pale, wintry-blue eyes.

Kieran greeted the guard with a handshake. “It’s good to see you,” the guard said, his gaze flickering to Hawke and then to me. His attention lingered for a few seconds on the left side of my face before coming back to Kieran. “It’s good to see all of you.”

“Same, Delano,” Kieran answered as Hawke placed his hand on my lower back. “It’s been too long.”

“Not long enough,” boomed a deep voice from inside the keep.

I turned to see a wide-open area lit by oil lamps. A tall, bearded, dark-haired and broad-shouldered man strode out from two large wooden doors. He wore dark breeches and a heavy tunic. A short sword was strapped to his waist even though he wasn’t dressed as a guard.

Kieran smiled, and I blinked. This was the first time that I’d seen him smile, and he’d gone from coldly handsome to strikingly attractive as he did it. “Elijah, you missed me more than anyone else.”

Elijah met Kieran halfway, capturing the younger man in a bear hug that lifted the guard clear off his feet. Eyes that were hazel, more gold than brown, landed on where Hawke and I stood.

One side of the man’s lips kicked up as he let go of Kieran. Or rather, dropped him. Kieran stumbled back a step, catching himself as he shook his head. “What do we have here?” Elijah asked.

“We’re in need of shelter for the night,” Hawke answered.

For some reason, this Elijah found Hawke’s response funny. He threw back his head and laughed. “We have plenty of shelter.”

“Good to hear.” Hawke’s hand stayed while I glanced around the entryway, confused.

Several people had come from beyond the doors, men and women. Like the townsfolk, there were varying degrees of looks. Most smiled, but a few stared in a way that reminded me of the blond Descenter who’d thrown the Craven hand.

Where was the Lord or Lady who oversaw the city? The sun was still up, but the space was windowless and, therefore, would not be an affront to the gods if they moved about. I didn’t see any Ascended among the gathered people. Perhaps this man was one of the Lord’s stewards and the Lord was otherwise occupied? I noted that Kieran was looking around with a narrowed gaze, probably thinking the same thing as I was.

“We do have a lot of…catching up to do,” Elijah said, clapping Kieran on the shoulder with a heavy hand that caused my brows to rise.

A black-haired woman in a deep forest green, knee-length tunic and matching breeches strode forward, a heavy cream shawl draped over her shoulders. Immediately, my gaze was pulled to her footwear.

They were boots.

She drew closer, and I noted that her eye color was very similar to Elijah’s, if not exact. Were they related? She seemed at least a decade younger, closer to Hawke’s and my age. Maybe a niece? She gave all of us a close-lipped smile, her gaze, like Delano’s, falling and catching on my visible scars. There was no pity in her face, just…curiosity, which was far better than the former.

“I must speak with a few people, but Magda will show you to your room.” Hawke turned to the dark-haired woman before I could respond. “Make sure she has a room to bathe in, and she’s sent hot food.”

“Yes—” She started to dip, almost as if she were sinking into some sort of curtsy, but then stopped halfway. Her cheeks flushed prettily as she glanced at me. “Sorry. I’m a little off balance somedays.” She patted her slightly rounded stomach. “I blame baby number two.”

“Congratulations,” I said, hoping that was the appropriate response as I turned to him. “Hawke—”

“Later,” he said, and then pivoted, stalking off to join where Kieran stood with Elijah, now joined by Phillips, who was eyeing every inch of the keep.

“Come.” Magda lightly touched my arm. “We have a room on the second floor that has its own bathing chamber. I’ll have hot water sent up, and you can bathe while Cook prepares your dinner.”

Unsure of what else to do, I followed Magda from the entryway and through the side door that fed into a stairwell. Surprised that Hawke had left me alone, I figured it was because he knew I was more than equipped to defend myself, but it still seemed odd. Unless he felt confident about there being no Descenters here.

But even if that was the case, it didn’t explain how Hawke had known this woman’s name when he’d only been to the town briefly, and we hadn’t been introduced.

The room was surprisingly large and airy despite the only source of natural light being a small, narrow window overlooking the yard. I liked the exposed wooden beams on the ceiling, and the bed looked like the most inviting thing I’d ever seen.

I didn’t dare go near it, not when my cloak and clothing were stained with Craven blood, dirt, and sweat. I’d draped my cloak over a heavy, wooden chair and then made sure my sweater covered my dagger.

A fire was lit, and the food, a rich and savory beef stew, had come before the hot water. I ate every drop of the stew and the accompanying biscuits, and would’ve probably licked the bowl clean if it hadn’t been for the small army of servants commanded by Magda.

As the tub was filled with steaming-hot water, Magda hung a light blue robe on a hook in the bathing chamber. I stared at it, my throat suddenly clogged with emotion.

It wasn’t white.

I closed my eyes.

“Poppy,” the woman said, and I snapped my eyes open. She’d asked earlier what to call me, and that was the name I’d given her. “Are you all right?”

“Yes.” I blinked. “It’s taken…a lot to get here.”

“I can imagine,” she replied, though I doubted she could. “If you leave your clothing here by the door, I’ll make sure it is cleaned this night.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled. “Fresh soap and towels have been placed by your bath. Is there anything else you need?”

I wanted to ask where Hawke was, but I didn’t think she’d know. I shook my head, and she started for the door. Then I thought of the Ascended. “Magda?” I called out. “Who is the Lord and Lady in residence here?”

“Lord Halverston has gone hunting with some of the men,” she answered. “He would’ve been here to greet you, but he was already preparing to leave with it being so close to dusk.”

“Oh.” The Lord went hunting with the men? The people here were…odd.

“Is there anything else?”

This time, I shook my head and didn’t stop her. I quickly undressed, leaving my clothing by the door and then hurried across the chilled floor that the fire hadn’t yet warmed, dagger in hand.

The large tub had to be the second-best thing I’d ever seen.

My sore muscles immediately welcomed the hot water, and I stayed longer than necessary, scrubbing myself with the lilac-scented soap and washing my hair twice before I worried that I’d wrinkle like a prune if I stayed one minute longer. Toweling off, I slipped on the warm robe and padded on bare feet to the small vanity, pleased to find a comb. I roamed out to the bedroom, idly combing out the knots and tangles in my hair, and placed the dagger on the end table. When that was done, there was nothing to do but wait.

I sat on the edge of the bed, wondering what Tawny was doing right now. Was she making friends with the other Ladies and Lords in Wait? Sadness tugged at my chest, and I welcomed it. That was far better than feeling only anger and pain, but I missed her.

I missed Vikter.

The knot of emotion was back in my throat as I smoothed my hand over the soft blue material. My eyes burned, but the tears…they wouldn’t come. I almost wished they would. I sighed, glancing back at the head of the bed. There were two pillows as if the bed were meant for two people to—

A knock on the door startled me. I jumped from the bed and was in the process of moving to the end table when the door opened. Snatching up the dagger, I whipped around.

“Hawke,” I breathed.

He lifted his brows. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

“Is that why you barged in?”

“Since I knocked, I don’t consider that barging in.” He closed the door behind him and stepped into the light. He’d bathed and changed, his damp hair curling against his cheeks. “But I’m glad to see that you were prepared just in case it wasn’t someone you wanted to see.”

“What if you’re someone I don’t want to see?”

That half-grin appeared. “You and I both know that’s not the case.” His gaze roamed over me. “At all.”

“Your ego never fails to amaze me.” I placed the dagger back and then looked around. Since the only other place to sit was the very uncomfortable-looking chair, the bed was the only option. I sat on the edge.

“I never fail to amaze you,” he replied.

I smiled. “Thank you for proving what I just said.”

He chuckled as he strode forward. “Did you eat?”

I nodded. “You?”

“While I bathed.”

“Multi-tasking at its finest.”

“I am skilled.” He stayed where he’d stopped, several feet from me. “Why aren’t you asleep? You have to be exhausted.”

“I know the morning will come sooner rather than later, and we’ll be back out there, but I can’t sleep. Not yet. I was waiting for you.” Suddenly nervous, I toyed with the sash on the robe. “This place is…different, isn’t it?”

“I imagine if one was used to only the capital and Masadonia, it would be,” he answered. “Things are far simpler here, no pomp and circumstance.”

“I noticed that. I haven’t seen a single Royal Crest.”

His head tilted. “Did you wait up for me to talk about Royal banners?”

“No.” I sighed, letting go of the sash. “I waited up to talk to you about what I did to Airrick.”

Hawke said nothing.

My nervousness gave way to irritation. “Is this later enough for you? A good time?”

There was that curl of his lips. “This is a good time, Princess. It’s private enough, which is what I figured we would need.”

I opened my mouth and then snapped it shut. Dammit. Was that why he’d kept pushing it off? If so, that made sense.

“Are you going to explain why neither you nor Vikter ever mentioned that you had this…touch?”

My jaw came unlocked. “I don’t call it that. Only a few who have heard…the rumors about it do. It’s why some think I’m the child of a god. You, who seems to hear and know everything, haven’t heard that rumor?”

“I do know a lot, but no, I have never heard that,” he replied. “And I’ve never seen anyone do whatever it was that you did.”

My gaze searched his, and I thought I saw the truth in his stare. “It’s a gift from the gods. It’s why I’m Chosen.” Or at least one of the reasons. “I have been instructed by the Queen herself to never speak of it or to use it. Not until I am deemed worthy. For the most part, I have obeyed that.”

“For the most part?”

“Yes, for the most part. Vikter knew about it, but Tawny doesn’t. Neither did Rylan or Hannes. The Duchess knows, and the Duke knew, but that was all,” I told him. “And I don’t use it often…ish.”

“What is this gift?”

I blew out a long breath. “I can…sense other people’s pain, both physical and mental. Well, it started off that way. It appears that the closer I get to my Ascension, the more it evolves. I guess I should say I can sense people’s emotions now,” I corrected, tugging at the blanket beside me. “I don’t need to touch them. I can just look at them, and it’s like…like I open myself up to them. I can usually control it and keep my senses to myself, but sometimes, it’s difficult.”

“Like in crowds?”

Knowing he was thinking about when the Duke had addressed the city, I nodded. “Yes. Or when someone projects their pain without realizing it. Those times are rare. I don’t see anything more than you or anyone else would see, but I feel what they do.”

“You…just feel what they feel?”

I looked up at him.

He was staring at me with slightly wide eyes. “So, you felt the pain that Airrick, who had received a very painful injury, felt?”

I nodded.

Hawke blinked. “That had to be…”

“Agony?” I supplied. “It was, but it’s not the worst I’ve felt. Physical pain is always warm, and it’s acute, but the mental, emotional pain is like…like bathing in ice on the coldest day. That kind of pain is far worse.”

Hawke walked over and sat on the bed beside me. “And you can feel other emotions? Like happiness or hatred? Relief…or guilt?”

“I can, but it’s new. And I’m not often sure what I’m feeling. I have to rely on what I know, and well…” I shrugged. “But to answer your question, yes.”

For the first time since I met Hawke, he looked speechless.

“That’s not all I can do,” I added.

“Obviously.”

I ignored the dryness in his tone. “I can also ease other people’s pain by touch. Usually, it’s not something the person notices, not unless they’re experiencing a great deal of obvious pain.”

“How?”

“I think of…happy moments and feed that through the bond my gift establishes through the connection,” I explained.

Hawke stared at me some more. “You think happy thoughts and that’s it?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it like that. But, yes.”

Something flickered over his face, and then his gaze shot to mine. “Have you sensed my emotions before?”

I wanted to lie. I didn’t. “I have.”

He sat back.

“I didn’t do it on purpose at first—well, okay, I did, but only because you always looked like… I don’t know. A caged animal whenever I saw you around the castle, and I was curious to find out why. I realize I shouldn’t have. I didn’t do it…a lot. I made myself stop. Sort of,” I added, and his brows climbed up on his forehead. “For the most part. Sometimes, I just can’t help it. It’s like I’m denying nature to not…”

To not use what I had been born with.

That was why it was hard to control sometimes. Sure, curiosity often drove me to use it, but it felt like going against nature to deny it and keep it locked down. It was stifling.

Just like the veil and all the rules and the expectations and…the future I never chose for myself.

Why did my entire life seem so wrong?

“What did you feel from me?”

Pulling myself from my thoughts, I looked over at him. “Sadness.”

Shock rolled across his expression.

“Deep grief and sorrow.” I lowered my gaze to his chest. “It’s always there, even when you’re teasing or smiling. I don’t know how you deal with it. I figure a lot of it has to do with your brother and friend.” When Hawke said nothing, I thought I’d said too much. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used my gift on you, and I probably should’ve just lied—”

“Have you eased my pain before?”

I flattened my hands on my legs. “I have.”

“Twice. Right? After you were with the Priestess, and the night of the Rite.”

I nodded.

“Well, now I understand why I felt…lighter. The first time it lasted—damn, it lasted for a while. Got the best sleep in years.” He coughed out a short laugh, and I peeked over at him. “Too bad that can’t be bottled and sold.”

I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Why?” he demanded. “Why did you take my pain? Yes, I do…feel sadness. I miss my brother with every breath I take. His absence haunts me, but it’s manageable.”

“I know. You don’t let it interfere with your life, but I…I didn’t like knowing that you were hurting,” I admitted. “And I could help, at least temporarily. I just wanted—”

“What?”

“I wanted to help. I wanted to use my gift to help people.”

“And you have? More than just me and Airrick?”

“I have. Those who are cursed? I often ease their pain. And Vikter would get terrible headaches. I would sometimes help him with those. And Tawny, but she never knew.”

“That’s how the rumors got started. You’re doing it to help the cursed.”

“And their families sometimes. They often feel such sorrow that I have to.”

“But you’re not allowed.”

“No, and it seems so stupid that I can’t.” I threw up my hands. “That I’m not supposed to. The reason doesn’t even make sense. Wouldn’t the gods have already found me worthy to have given me this gift?” I reasoned.

“One would think so.” He paused. “Can your brother do this? Anyone else in your family?”

“No. It’s only me, and the last Maiden. We were both born in a shroud,” I told him. “And my mother realized what I could do around the age of three or four.”

He frowned and went back to staring at me like I was a puzzle missing pieces.

“What?”

Shaking his head, his expression smoothed out. “Are you reading me now?”

“No. I seriously try not to, even when I really want to. Doing so feels like cheating when it’s someone I…” I trailed off. I was going to say: “when it’s someone I care about.”

My stomach twisted as my wide-eyed gaze swung back to him. I cared about Hawke. A lot. Not in the same way I cared about Tawny or Vikter, though. It was different.

Oh, gods.

That probably wasn’t a good thing, but it didn’t feel bad. It felt like anticipation and hope, excitement and a hundred other things that weren’t bad.

“Now, I wish I had your gift because I would love to know what you’re feeling at this moment.”

I couldn’t be grateful that he didn’t know. “I feel nothing from the Ascended,” I blurted out. “Absolutely nothing, even though I know they feel physical pain.”

“That’s…”

“Weird, right?”

“I was going to say disturbing, but sure, it’s weird.”

“You know?” I leaned in, lowering my voice. “It always bothered me that I couldn’t feel anything. It should be a relief, but it never was. It just made me feel…cold.”

“I can see that.” He inched forward, lowering his voice, too. “I should thank you.”

“For what?”

“For easing my pain.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, but I want to,” he said, his mouth so incredibly close to mine. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.” My eyes drifted halfway shut. He smelled like pine and soap, and his breath was so warm on my lips.

“I was right.”

“About what?”

“About you being brave and strong,” he explained. “You risk a lot when you use your gift.”

“I don’t think I’ve risked enough,” I admitted. “I couldn’t help Vikter. I was too…overwhelmed. Maybe if I wasn’t fighting it so much, I would’ve at least taken his pain.”

“But you took Airrick’s. You helped him.” He dipped his head, and his brow kissed mine. “You are utterly nothing like I expected.”

“You keep saying that. What did you expect?”

“I honestly don’t know anymore.”

My eyes closed, discovering that I liked this closeness. I liked being…touched when it was my choice.

“Poppy?”

I also liked the way he said my name. “Yes?”

He touched my cheek with his fingers. “I hope you realize that no matter what anyone has ever told you, you are more worthy than anyone I’ve ever met.”

My heart squeezed in the best way. “You haven’t met enough people, then.”

“I have met too many.” He lifted his chin, kissing my forehead. He leaned back, sliding his thumb along my jaw. “You deserve so much more than what awaits you.”

I should.

My eyes opened.

I really should.

I wasn’t a bad person. Under the veil and behind my title and my gift, I was like anyone else. But I was never treated as such. As Hawke had pointed out before, every privilege everyone else had was something I couldn’t even earn. And I was…

I was so damn tired of it.

Hawke drew back, his voice heavy as he said, “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Unable to answer, I was too caught up in what was happening within me because something was shifting, changing. Something enormous and yet also small. My heart started pumping as if I’d just been fighting for my life, and…dear gods, that’s what I was doing. Right now. Fighting not for my life but to be able to live it. That was what was clicking into place inside me.

Maiden or not, good or bad, Chosen or forsaken, I deserved to live and to exist without being cloistered by rules I never agreed to.

I looked at Hawke, really looked at him, and what I saw went beyond the physical. He’d always been different with me, and he never tried to stop me. From the night on the Rise to the Blood Forest when he’d thrown me the sword, he didn’t only protect me. He believed in me and respected my need to defend myself. And like he’d said before, it was as if we’d known each other for ages. He…he understood me, and I thought I might understand him. Because he was brave and strong, and he felt and thought deeply. He’d suffered losses and survived and continued to do so even with the agony I knew he carried with him. He accepted me.

And I trusted him with my life.

With everything.

“You shouldn’t look at me like that.” His voice had thickened.

“Like what?”

“You know exactly how you’re looking at me.” He closed his eyes. “Actually, you might not, and that’s why I should leave.”

“How am I looking at you, Hawke?”

His eyes opened. “Like I don’t deserve to be looked at. Not by you.”

“Not true,” I told him.

“I wish that was the case. Gods, I do. I need to leave.” He rose and backed up, his stare lingering. I didn’t think he wanted to leave at all. He took a deep breath. “Goodnight, Poppy.”

I watched him start for the door, his name on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to spend tonight alone. I didn’t want him to believe that he wasn’t deserving.

What I wanted was to live.

What I wanted was him.

“Hawke?”

He stopped but didn’t turn.

My heart was racing once more. “Will you…will you stay with me tonight?”