Chapter 30

I have only experienced true loss three times in my life.

When my parents passed away

When Habiba got married

When I lost my company

This topped the list. I watched the judge's lips move but I couldn't hear anything anymore.

Rejected

Rejected

The word echoed in my mind, a hand shaking me brought me back to the present, the Judge had left and we were the only ones left.

"Abb..."

"I need air" I choked out, placing Yasmin in Hajiya's arm before standing abruptly and walking out. I slid against the wall till I was seated on the floor. My lungs burned, my chest was on fire.

This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening. Ya Allah, this has to be a dream

"Ya Rabb, Ya Rabb, Ya Rabb" I kept whispering fisting my hair, fighting against the tears. I didn't care if all eyes were on me, I had just lost the most important person in my life.

I struggled to my feet just as they all walked out, before approaching them. Hajiya rubbed my back trying to comfort me. It was the last thing I needed at this point, Najma eyes were watery, I could tell she was trying hard not to cry. I was sure I looked the same.

Mr. Lawal drew Hajiya aside, I wasn't interested in what they were saying so I blocked them out. I heard footsteps approaching us, I turned to see Mrs. Balogun standing in front of us.

"Whe..."

"Congratulations, Mrs. Balogun." I whispered. She opened her mouth but closed it.

"Can we at least say our goodbyes?" Najma asked her voice wobbly.

She nodded and stepped away giving us privacy. Najma scooped Yasmin into her arms hugging her tightly. I looked away as they passed her around giving her their final hugs.

"I want to spend some time with her" I whispered, walking to Mrs. Balogun who stood by the side.

She nodding, gently wiping the tears from her eyes. I said goodbye to the rest and followed Mrs. Balogun and Yasmin to her car. I sat with Yasmin in my lap not wanting to let her go.

"Where would you like to go?" She asked.

"The park" I replied my eyes not leaving Yasmin, trying to memorize every detail of her. We drove to the park in silence as I played with Yasmin. We got to the park and as soon as I opened the door Yasmin was out running towards the swings. I followed her and watched her go on the rides, I pushed her on the swing. Half an hour later I made my way to where Mrs. Balogun was seated.

I sat near her, the silence stretching as we watched her run around.

"Promise me one thing" I whispered turning to Mrs. Balogun. I swallowed feeling a knot swelling up in my throat.

"Promise me you'll find Yasmin a good home... please" my voice breaking at the end.

"I promise."  She whispered back.

I nodded turning  my attention to Yasmin.

"I have an account set up for her. It has.. it has about 10 million naira in it."

"You don't have to do that. She's not going to be your child anymore. You might need the money more" She said.

"She'll always be my daughter." I replied.

"I'm sorry" she said after a stretch of silence.

"Don't you think it's a little too late for that?"

We spent a few more minutes before she decided that it was time to go. I called Yasmin and she ran over. I picked her up and we walked to the car.

"Why don't I give you a lift?" She asked. I shook my head "Don't worry I'll hail a taxi"

I placed Yasmin in the car and watched her frown when I didn't get in. Mrs. Balogun started the car and Yasmin whimpered staring at me through the glass. Her lip jutted out, I smiled sadly at her just as she started crying. I looked away my eyes stinging as I fought the tears. The car drove away but I could hear Yasmin's cries. There was no way I could forget  them.

I sighed rubbing my eyes before walking to the entrance of the park and hailing a taxi. I gave him the address and watched as we sped through the city, I sighed closing my eyes trying to block the pain.

I paid the taxi driver and got into the house, I noticed some moving boxes near the door. Atine was seated on the ground with some other maids and they were marking the boxes.

Yasmin's Stuff

Her teary eyes met mine and I looked away heading deeper into the house, I realised I had walked to Yasmin's room... former room.

The room was still the way we left it in the morning but I knew it was just a matter of time before it became empty, devoid of Yasmin. Everything was to be boxed and shipped to Mrs. Balogun's residence. Hajiya was seated on the bed, silently folding some clothes.

I sat on the floor next to her, I couldn't hold it in anymore. The tears rolled down my cheeks, my shoulders shaking as sobs racked my body. Hajiya pulled me to her and I buried my face in her lap as the tears fell harder.

"I'm so sorry Abba" she whispered stroking my hair. I sniffed crying harder before lifting my head to look at her.

"H... how am I going to move on from this Hajiya? She meant everything to me" I asked my voice thick with emotion.

"I don't know Abba... I don't know. You have to be strong... we all have to be strong"

"How can I be strong? I lost her Hajiya... I.. I lost h..." I couldn't continue as the tears came back in full force.

She didn't say anything instead she let me cry gently stroking my hair till I fell asleep on her lap.

*********************

I jolted awake and realised I was still in the same position, with a blanket over me and a pillow underneath my head.

The scent of Yasmin washed over me, I got to my feet, looking around, the room was gradually becoming more and more empty. I placed the blanket on the bed and walked out of the room. I didn't want to be here.

I could hear the voices of Najma and Khalifa but I didn't want to see or face anyone right now. I made my escape through the kitchen door when a sniff caught my attention.

Turning to the garden area, I found Atine wiping away the tears. Clearing my throat to alert her of my presence, she stumbled to her feet.

"S...sorry Ya Abba, I... I was just..."

"You don't have to explain yourself." I whispered walking towards the chalet.

"I'm so sorry about Yasmin." She called out, I paused, clenching my jaw and breathing slowly to stop myself from tearing up. I continued walking, not stopping till I reached the chalet, closing the door behind me.

I made my way to the bedroom, throwing myself onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. I didn't even know how I felt, I was just empty and numb.

I could hear the doorbell ringing, I ignored it just as a tear escaped and rolled down the side of my head.

Why?

Was this Allah's way of punishing me for all the bad things I did in my life?

It was not fair.

****** ***********************

Daybreak found me in the same position, eyes glued to the ceiling. My alarm clock buzzed and I stood, on autopilot.

Performed Subh prayers before I got ready for work, I walked to the main house and half expected to see Yasmin or to hear her laughter. The fact that she was gone forever made my heart ache.

I bumped into Hajiya in the kitchen.

"Good morning Hajiya." I mumbled. "Good morning Abba, Najma and Khalifa were here last night to check up on you. How are you holding up?" She asked.

"I'm... I don't know." I answered staring at the floor.

"Mr. Lawal came over and..."

"I have to get going. I have an early meeting today." I cut her off, turning and walking out of the house. I got into my car and let out a breath I had no idea I was holding before starting the car.

The drive to work was fast, even the car reminded me of Yasmin. Halfway to work, I was tempted to park the car and call an uber, the memories were threatening to overwhelm me.

I made my way into the main building, keeping my head down and walking to my cubicle to get ready for the meeting.

"There's the father of the Century." Amaka cheered walking in. I stiffened at her words before forcing a smile but she saw right through it.

"What happened?" She asked, her smile slipping.

"I..." I leaned against my desk, swallowing hard and blinking back tears.

"I lost the case." I whispered. She gasped softly coming over to me and wrapping an arm around me.

"Oh my God, Abba, I am so sorry to hear that."

I nodded pulling away, discreetly wiping the tears away.

"I have to get ready for the meeting." I said gathering the papers.

"The meeting got postponed. Mr. Ade and Mr. Adeyemi travelled to Port Harcourt last night." She replied.

I nodded sitting and drawing a folder to me. "In that case, I'll get started on this week's finance record." I whispered powering up my computer.

I could feel her eyes on me before she sighed and left.

*********************

The next few days, I operated like a machine. Work. Home. Repeat. There was no evidence of Yasmin ever living in the house, everything was gone.

It was as if she never lived there, as if she never existed but the constant pain in my chest reminded me she was as real as I was.

I did everything possible to avoid going to the main house, keeping my interactions with Hajiya as brief as possible.

Najma was another case, I did everything humanly possible to avoid her, it was easier with Khalifa, he was back on duty so he was barely around.

The weeks passed and the house was slowly becoming too much for me. Every corner of the house reminded me of Yasmin. I was tempted to drive over there and see how she was doing, I had gone as far as getting into a car and driving towards the house but turning back mid way. It wouldn't be fair on her.

I got back from work on Friday and made my way into the main house. Not noticing the car parked next to Hajiya's.

"Good evening Hajiya." I greeted, she was seated in her living room, I was immediately assaulted by a memory of Yasmin sitting on the floor with her colouring book. I shook my head pushing the memory away.

"Good evening Abba." She replied just as Najma walked into the room. I stiffened at the sight of her.

"Hey..." she trailed off. "Hey." I whispered clearing my throat before looking back to Hajiya.

"I'm tired so I am going to head to the chalet." She nodded and I could see the sadness in her eyes, I hated seeing it. I made my way out of the living room and I felt Najma following me.

Please go away.

We left the house and I felt her hand on my arm.

"Abba, don't do this." She whispered.

"I'm not doing anything." I replied turning to her.

"Yes you are. You are closing in on yourself. You aren't letting anyone in. Please... this isn't healthy. At least talk to someone. Talk to me!!!"  She pleaded.

My eyes started stinging and I looked away. "Talking never helps, it didn't help when I lost my parents, it's definitely not going to help me now."

"How do you expect it to help when you keep pushing every one away?" We turned to see Khalifa standing by the side. His eyes on me.

"We are all affected by Yasmin's absence, but what you are doing, your coping mechanism is not the way to handle this." He continued.

I scoffed. "So now you're going to tell me how to grief?" I asked glaring at him.

"When you are going about the wrong way then yes."

I hissed turning away from him and walking to the chalet.

"And there's that. You run away from your problems. Hajiya, Najma and I have been working tirelessly with Mr. Lawal for an appeal and you don't even care to know. You just mope around, you gave up so easily makes me wonder if Yasmin ever meant something to..."

"KHALIFA!!!" Najma shouted angrily. She was angry but I was enraged. I stalked over to him

"Don't you dare  insinuate that Yasmin meant nothing to me. Don't you ever. That little girl made me feel more alive than I had ever felt in a long while." I snapped my vision blurring.

"Do you think I am not torn inside from this? Do you have any idea how many times I want to drive over there and take her away and damn all the consequences?" I continued glaring at him. He looked away, shame engulfing his features. I sighed shaking my head.

"She meant everything to me. She was the only person who loved me unconditionally, she trusted me with her whole life. I wanted to be a better person because of her and I was willing to lay the whole world just to see her happy. If I choose to bury myself in my work as a coping mechanism then let me." I turned and walked away.

"We were thinking of filing an appeal" Najma spoke up. I looked over at her, realizing she had actually started showing, she had the pregnancy glow.

I smiled at her sadly. "Did Mr. Lawal tell you that there is only a 20% chance of our appeal being successful? I am not about to put Yasmin through a court case again."

I left them after that. I was mentally exhausted, all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep into oblivion.

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A/N

Is it safe for me to come out?!!!

Okay... I know you all are sad... I am too, but just bear with me. It's all worth it at the end.

Sarah xx