Chapter 205: I, The Emperor, Strike the South Mountain Retirement Home with My Fists! (2 / 2)

The emperor puffed up with pride. “Them? Ha! Blood spilled within five steps? Even if they all came at me, they wouldn’t stand a chance. I only held back this time because their wailing was too much to bear—so I took pity on them. With those old arms and legs, if I’d put in even a bit of effort, they’d have been sprawled on the floor!”

Empress Dou didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

A sixty-something emperor personally brawling with a group of seventy-something ministers —how could that sound dignified if word got out?

Her thoughts drifted back to the matter of compiling history, and she couldn’t help but voice her concern.

“You mean you assigned Xu Yanmiao to compile history? He’s too young for such a task. Even though the other compilers wouldn’t bully or ostracize him, they probably won’t respect him much either. Isn’t it too soon for him? He hasn’t even come of age yet.”

Hearing this, the emperor suddenly looked radiant. “Empress, this is one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made! Xu Yanmiao is just lazy—he needs to be pushed. Take that issue with the bound feet custom, for example. Who would’ve thought he’d come up with the idea to incite resistance through rumors and rally the scholars to critique and attack it? Assigning him to compile history is just my way of keeping him active. I’ve heard he sleeps until the sun is high every time he gets a day off. He’s only 19, and he’s already that lazy! Unacceptable!”

Empress Dou: “…”

Sometimes, she wished her husband could be a bit more humane. The poor kid had been working hard for nine days—was it so wrong to want to rest on the tenth?

The emperor, oblivious to the complicated look on his wife’s face, continued, “As for whether Xu Yanmiao can handle the pressure…”

He chuckled. “That kid may be a troublemaker with a knack for infuriating people, but he has a kind heart and sees the world with great clarity. Mark my words, Empress, those compilers won’t make things difficult for him. As for the chief compiler…”

Before he could finish, a member of the Imperial Guard arrived with a report. “Your Majesty, Chief Compiler Song has fainted.”

The emperor blinked but said nothing.

Moments later, as Empress Dou fixed him with a disapproving look, he erupted into laughter. “How fragile can this guy be? Hahaha!”

Chief Compiler Song, who had been revived with acupuncture by the imperial physician, was blissfully unaware that the culprit behind his plight was mocking him for being “fragile.” Otherwise, he might have fainted again on the spot.

That said, even without knowing what was happening at the emperor’s end…

[So many drafts… Where should I start with the biographies of the generals and ministers?]

[Ah, right! That kind young man mentioned something earlier… Guangping Song Clan? I’ll start with that!]

“Thud—”

Xu Yanmiao glanced over, a strange feeling stirring in his heart.

[What? Did he just faint again after waking up?]

The imperial physician checked the pulse and calmly informed the others, “No need to worry. It’s just an episode of rage-induced heart agitation. A couple of acupuncture needles will fix it.”

The recently revived Chief Compiler Song had a deep-seated hatred for the physician’s excellent medical skills—especially after overhearing Xu Yanmiao’s inner thoughts:

[Seriously? Is he really that temperamental? Did he faint again just from seeing me? How am I supposed to tell him without it being awkward that the old emperor only assigned me to compile history and didn’t give me the position of Chief Compiler?]

As he swayed unsteadily, the imperial physician deftly jabbed him with another needle, ensuring he stayed conscious.

Who?!Who misled Xu Yanmiao into thinking I fainted because I was scared he’d take my position?!

“I would never—”

The words almost escaped his lips before he remembered they were Xu Yanmiao’s private thoughts. Gritting his teeth, he redirected, “—faint over something like that!”

Someone helped him to a seat and carefully explained the situation. However, Chief Compiler Song’s attention remained fixed on Xu Yanmiao.

[The Guangping Song clan… Where should I start?]

[Let’s see, I’ll just flip through and go wherever the pages take me.]

[Ah! First try, and I’ve landed on the founder of the Guangping Song clan!]

Recalling his ancestor’s history, Chief Compiler Song immediately felt optimistic.

The founder of the Guangping Song clan had been the son-in-law of a Huihe khan—a staunchly Chinese man, of course. During the reign of Emperor Shizu of Zhou, he convinced his father-in-law to ally the Huihe tribe with Zhou. In the subsequent wars to unify the realm, his contributions stood above those of all other founding generals!

An extraordinary hero who lived among the Huihe but devoted himself to China—such a figure would surely be praised for his bold and unconventional deeds, even if he did have a few eccentricities.

[Unconventional? He was practically a walking disaster!]

[Not that he did it on purpose, though.]

Chief Compiler Song’s resolve to stay silent nearly collapsed.

Xu Yanmiao! You’re crossing the line! What’s so unlucky about my ancestor?!

Someone nearby tightly restrained him, even covering his mouth. “Calm down! Let’s listen! What if there’s more to the story?”

Chief Compiler Song was thoroughly unimpressed.

What more could there possibly be…?

[While passing through Julu, he visited an exiled friend. They hadn’t seen each other in a long time and decided to drink together. The ancestor was fine, but his friend, having drunk hot wine on an empty stomach, suddenly died.]

Chief Compiler Song sneered inwardly.

That friend didn’t take care of himself—what does that have to do with my ancestor?!

[Then there was the time he went out with the great poet Meng Bai. They climbed a mountain, and a sudden storm broke out. To pass the time while sheltering from the rain, they amused themselves by trading poetry. Feeling inspired, the ancestor dramatically tossed his umbrella aside to show off his boldness. Unfortunately, a lightning bolt struck and killed Meng Bai.]

[That’s just bad luck! Northern mountains don’t have much tall vegetation, and he just had to be carrying a fancy bronze umbrella. Waving it around in the middle of a storm? What did he expect?!]

Chief Compiler Song nodded wildly.

Yes, yes! It’s all just coincidence! It’s not his ancestor who’s unlucky!

[Ah, this… originally, Emperor Shizu wanted him to be the main examiner for the martial arts exams. He had a stomach ache those days and decided to decline. Then, it was such bad luck that the person who took over was accidentally shot in the throat by one of the martial arts candidates. The investigation revealed that the candidate’s archery skills were truly terrible.]

Chief Compiler Song: “…”

This…

It’s coincidence! Just coincidence!

His friend’s accident happened in the fifth year after the founding of the Zhou Dynasty!

The poet’s accident happened in the seventh year after the founding of the Zhou Dynasty, and it was a rare heavy rainstorm in the twelfth month—how can that be blamed on his ancestor! And the exam thing… He didn’t have the foresight to predict that stomach ache! Plus, that incident occurred in the 22nd year after the founding of the Zhou Dynasty, fifteen years after the “stormy day.” After all those years, can it still be considered related?

Other officials: “…”

They quietly looked at Chief Compiler Song.

In fact, if these events were placed in the individual biographies of the “victims,” they might not have attracted much attention. But the way Xu Yanmiao laid them out, it made things very subtle.

Each time a victim died, there was either the ancestor nearby or some connection to the ancestor. Though these occurrences only happened once every few years and were likely coincidences, it still seemed too eerie…

They quickly and cautiously took a few steps back, distancing themselves from Chief Compiler Song.

Who knows if this thing could be linked to the bloodline, right?

[Ha! Wait a minute! Is it true that the wild history about the Guangping Song clan’s ancestor is real?!]

Other officials: “!!!”

What wild history?

Are you talking about how he died after drinking too much before court and couldn’t relieve himself, causing his bladder to rupture?

Or about how he became wealthy because, as a child, he fell into the tomb of Emperor Chu and took the skull, painted it gold, and slept with it, absorbing the Emperor’s spiritual energy, eventually rising to power?

Wait a minute! Could that outrageous rumor actually be true?!

Before the Great Xia, there was the Great Zhou. Before the Great Zhou, there was the Great Chu. And before the Great Chu, there was the Great Liang.

Emperor Taizu of Liang was harsh and ungrateful, suspicious of his loyal ministers. He imprisoned those who disagreed with him and executed others. Later, he reincarnated as the last emperor of Chu, and one of his loyal ministers reincarnated as the ancestor of the Guangping Song clan. This ancestor followed Emperor Shizu to overthrow Chu and even proposed that the last emperor of Chu be turned into a commoner and confined for life in a small courtyard, being tormented daily by the reincarnated loyal ministers.

Nearby, Chief Compiler Song’s lips trembled slightly, his eyes rolling back in his head, but he still couldn’t faint.

Regarding the compiling of history:

The Hidden Records of the Mustard Seed: Ouyang went out with some fellow scholars and encountered a horse trampling a dog to death on the road. When writing about the incident for the public trial, the fellow scholars said: “A dog was lying in the main street when a runaway horse trampled it to death.” Ouyang said: “If you were to write the history, it would take countless volumes. A better way to write it is: ‘A runaway horse killed a dog on the road.’”

—Seven Revisions, Supplementary Volume

(In other words, the more refined the language in historical writing, the better.)

On Training Horses with Thirst:

Zao Fu served as the royal groom for the King of Qi. He trained the horses by making them endure thirst, and after a hundred days, the horses were fully trained.

— Han Feizi

[The phrase “training horses with thirst” refers to the basic method of making the horses endure thirst as a form of training.]

On Disrespecting the Emperor:

Later, Wang Gui, during a banquet, wished Emperor Wu a long life and playfully stroked the emperor’s beard, saying: “What a dear old man, but I lament that the heirs are weak.”

— Zizhi Tongjian

Emperor Wu of Liang and His Friend Dian:

Emperor Wu of Liang had an old connection with Dian. After ascending to the throne, he issued a personal edict to recall old times and gave Dian a deer-skin towel, among other gifts. He called Dian to the palace. Dian, dressed in a coarse cloth with a simple towel, was led to the Huai Lin Garden, where Emperor Wu gave him poetry and wine, treating him with the same respect as before. The emperor issued another edict to appoint him as an official. Dian, stroking the emperor’s beard, said, “You still want me, an old man, to become a minister?” He declined the offer, citing illness. The emperor then issued another edict to provide him with extensive support, sending everything to his home and ensuring daily expenses were taken care of.

— Nan Shi

On Minister Kou Zhun’s Bravery:

Once, in the palace, Kou Zhun presented a report. His words did not align with the emperor’s views, causing the emperor to become angry and stand up. Kou Zhun grabbed the emperor’s clothing, urging him to sit back down. The matter was settled, and only then did Kou Zhun leave. The emperor, impressed, praised him, saying, “Having Kou Zhun is like Emperor Taizong having Wei Zheng.”

— Song Shi

(History is truly fascinating. After reading enough of it, one realizes that ministers are people too and sometimes have tempers.)

Speaking of which, Zhao Lao San isn’t the first to “pick a fight” with Er Feng.

Not only did he claim to be Emperor Taizong of Tang, but he also asked his ministers how he compared to Emperor Taizong.

If I were a minister, I’d be green with embarrassment.

I can’t believe he had the audacity to ask.

What are we comparing? Killing your brother? Well, you can’t beat him there, since Emperor Taizong openly admitted to killing his brother. Your story, with its “axe sounds and candlelight,” is full of uncertainty. Plus, you didn’t reveal your brother’s death until after six years of being emperor. Sounds pretty dubious.

On That Note, I Want to Write About a Character Who Creates Deaths.

Imagine being one of those ministers questioned by Emperor Taizong and responding: “Emperor Taizong is nowhere near as capable as our Emperor. He couldn’t even cover up his peaceful reign. How can he compare to our emperor, whose ‘axe sounds and candlelight’ remain shrouded in mystery to this day?”

Emperor Taizong’s six mighty steeds all died on the battlefield, and he himself was plagued by injuries and illness, dying early in life! How can he compare to our emperor, who excelled in the art of avoiding danger and mastered the method of self-preservation!

Transformed into Qin Hui, loudly addressed Zhao Gou during court: “Your Majesty! I’ve found the doctor to treat impotence that you asked for!”

Transformed into Xu Fu, said to Emperor Shi Huang: “The immortal has granted the method for eternal life—behold, the Qin King’s pillar-walking technique.” (and recites the Efang Palace Ode)

However, I can’t think of a way to protect the nine generations of the people who are being reincarnated, so I’ll have to abandon this for now.

[After all, Qin Hui and Xu Fu are long dead, but their nine generations and innocent people are still involved (sigh).]

On the bladder issue, this is inspired by Danish astronomer and astrologer Tycho Brahe:

It is said that he drank too much beer at a royal banquet and could not leave to relieve himself, causing his bladder to rupture, leading to his death.

On the skull, this is inspired by the storyteller Feng Menglong:

In Chang’an, there was the An family, who kept the skull of Emperor Ming of the Tang dynasty. They made it into a purple-gold color, and because they treated it with great reverence, their family grew prosperous and became a prominent clan. Later, when the family split, they fought over the skull, which was split into several pieces. Upon hearing this, Zhang Wenqian remarked, “The life and death of Emperor Ming has caused the An family great grief.” Everyone laughed aloud.

— The History of Ancient and Modern Humor

As for the reincarnation story… I must admit, I didn’t have a reference, but after writing it, I subconsciously recalled certain ancient stories.

For example, the tale that Emperor Yang of the Sui Dynasty, Yang Guang, was reincarnated as Yang Guifei, and his concubine, Zhu Gui’er, was reincarnated as Emperor Li Longji.@@novelbin@@

Or that Liu Bang reincarnated as Emperor Xian of the Han dynasty, and the figures he wronged—Han Xin, Ying Bu, and Peng Yue—were reincarnated as Cao Cao, Sun Quan, and Liu Bei