48. The Regrets of the Past

It was not easy. It was not easy to forget about all those thoughts that you'd lived with for years. In just few weeks, Ashar managed to shake my whole existence. I was fazed and bewildered. Seeing him all sugary weakened me to get angry on him, to push him away, to tell him to stop his sweet torture on me. And the hurt I observed on his face every time I taunted him or rejected him left me ashamed, especially when he do not react to my temperament and deal with me patiently. As if he understood my inner battles and fears, as if he could now finally understand my suffering.

He always tried to hide the hurt that was caused due to my tantrums with a forced, sad smile. I tried to ignore that, but damn my stupid heart. His love confession took me to another world and forced me to sink deep into the feeling that was once again erupted in me.

Since, I was no more an impulsive and foolish teenager like I used to be in the past, I was afraid to trust him again. I had gone through a very tough phase of my life when I was trying to recover from the aftermath of my marriage with Ashar, so I would not take any decision thoughtlessly this time.

I was scared to trust him, scared to fall in love again. I was not certain if I would be able to survive another heartbreak or not. I was not even sure if I wanted to try this marriage or not. Ashar and I were worlds apart and what he did to me back then, how he treated me was not something I could just easily forget.

Days passed. After Kingsley's anniversary event, Ashar and I only talked about work. He didn't touch the conversation about that night. I was thankful because I was not yet ready to talk to him about our marriage. Since I was now getting used to of this new Ashar, I expected him to be mature enough to not to push the subject further and he didn't. We acted formal and professional with each other.

He remained connected to Zoya through the phone that he had given to her. He also took her out few times. I was happy that their relation didn't get affected.

Although, I was acting ignorant and casual around Ashar, still I couldn't help but notice how Ashar's eyes looked at me as if they were waiting for me to open up and talk to him. The obvious grief and concern on his face was readable, however he tried to hide it and pretend to be normal in a failed attempt.

Around midnight, my phone began ringing. I reached for it and saw Ashar was calling me. I felt hesitant and astounded at the same time because he didn't contact me on my personal number since few days.

Tentatively, I tapped accept button on my phone's screen and moved it to my ear, "Yes?"

"Hey, come downstairs. I want to talk to you." He said in a calm tone.

I assumed that he was maybe here to instigate that awkward conversation again related to our marriage problem, so I felt distressed, "Say it here. I'm busy."

"Sanaya, it's urgent. I'll be quick." He persisted.

"Where are you?"

"Downstairs. Outside the building." He cut the call after that.

I looked at my phone screen for a moment while trying to think about what could be so urgent that he couldn't wait till morning. Reluctantly, I forced myself to put the phone down on the bed and moved towards the mirror. I arranged my hair through my fingers quickly and straightened my peplum, white shirt and also my skin-tight cropped pants.

Zoya was still awake, watching her favourite cartoon Powerpuff Girls. She watched it regularly and admired the fearless, little girls in it. I went outside the room and instructed her hastily, "Darling, I'm going down for few minutes. You don't follow me and don't do anything stupid, okay?"

"Be back soon, Mommy." She cocked her head to the side and said in the cutest possible way.

"Aww, for sure." I gave her a peck on her chubby cheek and got out of the apartment, locking the door behind.

As soon as I hurried out of the building, I searched for Ashar, looking here and there. My gaze caught him. He was standing at some distance against his car, looking restless. He glanced back at me and began taking steps towards me. I also ambled to him and stood just a step away from him.

"I'm going back home." He said, rubbing his temple.

My eyes widened in complete shock. That means, he took his decision to give up on me and came here to tell me that?

"So, you've already decided." I composed myself and acted normal.

His face contorted in disbelief, "Quit assuming on your own and let me finish first."

Okay.

The tightness in my chest lessened.

"I'm going to New York for a week. There's some mishap taken place at the company. My presence is needed there." He elaborated with a wrinkled forehead.

"Is everything okay?" I asked in concern.

"Someone inside the company was leaking the private information since a month. Now we've found the culprit. I need to go there to solve the matter and it could take a week." He sounded worried and anxious.

"That's not good."

He nodded, "Tell Zoya that I'll contact her. Right now, I'm in hurry."

"Okay. Don't stress yourself."

A whole week without him? I was so habitual of his presence all the time that I could no more imagine spending days without seeing him. I liked it how he even in annoying, childish ways reminded me that he was there for me.

"Relax. I'm not going away from you." He stepped closer, touched the strands of my hair and moved them behind my ear, "Take care." He gave me a chaste kiss on my cheek.

I got freeze at his sudden, quick kiss and his reminder as if he could read my mind, as if he knew what I wanted to hear. This man knew how to startle me, how to settle down the storm inside me.

He turned around and took fast steps towards his vehicle. Within few minutes, he drove away, leaving me alone with my dilemmas.

💙

"Close your eyes like my good daughter and go to sleep." I covered Zoya with a quilt and sat beside her.

"Mommy, is daddy at that big house?" Zoya asked in a low, soft voice.

I caressed her forehead, "Yes."

It had been two days since Ashar had left for the New York and I couldn't deny life felt boring, work felt boring without him as what I had expected. His absence was making me feel lonely and sad. I waited for his phone call or any text message, but there was none. He called Zoya, but not me.

"Why, is grandpa ill again?" She looked at me with quizzical gaze.

I furrowed my brows in confusion, "What? Matt, I mean grandpa was sick?"

"Yes, Mommy." She motioned her head up and down, "Daddy said he was."

Matt Hobsons was ill? Ashar never mentioned anything like that. What if it would've something serious? As much as I remembered Matt was quite healthy, then what could've happened to him?

"Daddy was sad, Mommy." She coughed.

I began feeling distraught for Ashar, for his father. I wanted to know what happened to him. If a three year old noticed Ashar's sadness then he was surely perturbed to the extent that he couldn't hide it from his daughter.

Zoya's continuous coughs forced me to pay attention to her. She sat up on the bed and coughed again.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" I rubbed her back, "Let me give you some water, maybe your throat is dried."

I moved over to reach for the water that was placed on the side table and filled a glass for her. I gave her the glass. She guzzled the liquid quickly.

"Feeling better?" I kept on caressing her back. She moved back the glass from her mouth and nodded.

"Okay." I smiled, "Let's sleep together."

"Okay, Mommy." She laid back on the bed, pulled up her quilt. I snuggled down just beside her, hid my legs from her quilt and wrapped my arm around her, pulling her close to me. I inhaled her flowery scent that drugged me to sleep.

💙

I went to Carol's shop yesterday with Zoya just to greet her and asked about how her new business was going. She got really busy since her shop inauguration and recently she had started receiving numerous orders from her customers, that's why she couldn't give me much time. So, I just spent one hour there. Zoya received a bouquet of fresh roses for free from her.

Carol also told me how she was designing all by herself a wedding bouquet for Ryan and Tessa. Ryan had even asked her to prepare bouquets for guests and Tessa's family also for their special day.

I was like every day working on my laptop, doing my office work. Zoya was outside the room watching her favourite cartoon. When my eyelids started getting heavy, I thought of taking a nap so I just left my laptop opened and laid back on the bed. Within few minutes, sleep took over me.

"Mommy, please, wake up." Zoya's trembling voice snapped my eyes opened. She was patting my arm continuously.

It took me a moment to remember that I slept in the middle of the office work I was doing. Sometimes, I was a heavy sleeper.

"Mommy." Zoya cried aloud. I sat up immediately this time and came to my senses. I gave my attention to her and found her blubbering, standing at the bed side, beside me.

"What's the matter?" I took her hand in mine and felt that it was shaking. Her whole body was shaking. Panic began to surround me.

I put my hand on her forehead, then her cheek. Her skin was hot, "You've a temperature."

In the morning, she had a light fever. I didn't take it serious and thought it would go away and I was right. In the evening, when I went to pick her up from the daycare, her temperature was back to normal, so, I completely forgot about it.

"Mommy, it's hurting." She rubbed her watery eyes with the back of her hand and began crying at the top of her voice.

I pulled her up on my lap, "Tell me where it hurts, Zoya?"

"Le-gs, arms." She whimpered. I was seized by the panic and fear, unsure about how to find out what's wrong with her. She was not okay. Her high body temperature was expressing that.

"Ssshh, Darling. It's okay. Mom is with you." I embraced her into a hug and stroked her head.

"Mommy, I puked in the toilet." She sniffled.

"What?" I pulled back and looked at her. I got close to her mouth and inhaled a rotten smell. She was telling the truth.

I gulped, swallowed the fearful breath, "Let's go and see a doctor."

With wobbly legs, I hopped out of the bed with Zoya in my arms. She immediately wrapped her arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder. I felt as if she was about to sleep. I hurried out of the apartment to reach to the nearby hospital.

Fifteen minutes later, I arrived at the hospital. I sprinted inside and went straight to the reception, "Excuse me, my daughter is not well. Please help me."

The receptionist raised her eyes at me. Zoya remained unmoved in my arms, "Wait here, ma'am. I'm calling the nurses."

She put the receiver on her ear and dialed some number, "Hello, bring the stretcher in the lobby. There's an emergency case."

I tightened my arms around Zoya and began weeping, "Please hurry."

Three nurses came from the other side with a stretcher. I instantly placed Zoya on it and the nurses began moving it forward.

"Her fever is quite high." One of the nurses placed her hand on Zoya's forehead.

"What happened? Is it serious?" I breathed as I walked with the stretcher, "She threw up a while ago and her body is shaking."

"I understood." Dark-haired nurse nodded, "I'm taking her inside. The doctor will do the check up and then we'll update you."

She turned towards other nurse, "Sara, you take the details."

"Mommy, I'm scared." Zoya wept, rubbing her eyes. Color drained from her face.

I suppressed my tears and comforted her, "Baby, it will only get worse if you keep on crying. Relax. I'm here with you."

"Don't worry, kid. You'll be fine in no time." The nurse smiled and assured her.

They took her inside and I stood still. Tears started falling from my eyes. The panic I was trying to suppress in front of Zoya, now swelled within me. Everything was so sudden and terrifying.

She was too young to be on that stretcher. I couldn't even imagine how frightened Zoya would be, alone in a room full of strangers.

I buried my face in my palms and breathed heavily, trying to stay calm, but my heart was sinking into fear. I thought of calling Ashar. I wanted him here with me. It had been more than a week and he was still not here. He didn't keep his words.

Without much thought, I pulled out my phone from my pants' pocket and called him.

"Woah, what a surprise. I hope you didn't call me mistakenly." He said as soon as he accepted my call.

"So, you missed me?" He questioned teasingly.

"Where are you?" I breathed.

"Still in New York. What happened? You don't sound okay."

I broke into tears, put my palm on my mouth to stop the loud sobs.

"Sanaya? Are you crying?"

"I'm scared." I whined, moved my hand from my mouth.

"Why? Are you okay?" I felt a hint of panic in his voice.

"Zoya is sick. I've brought her to the hospital."

"What? What happened to her?"

"I don't know. She was coughing and crying and shaking..." I murmured between silent sobs.

"Damn." He reacted in a low voice, "I'll be there in few hours."

💙

"Excuse me, sir." I called the doctor in-charge of Zoya when I saw him coming out of the ER.

He stopped in front of me and frowned at me, "Yes?"

"How's she?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Zoya's mother. Please tell me is she okay?"

"Oh." He smiled apologetically, "Did you ignore her fever or any other unusual symptom?"

I answered, "She had a light cough since few days... and a light fever today in the morning. Is it severe?"

"Yes. Her pneumonia got worse. She would have been showing symptoms since few days, but you probably didn't pay attention. Coughing and light fever are some of the early symptoms of pneumonia."

"What..." I stared at him in disbelief.

"Yes. Children are very prone to such diseases as their immunity power is quite low. You should never ignore the early symptoms. If you would have further delayed, the situation would have gone out of hands. But thankfully, the fever is now under control."

The doctor walked past me and I just froze at my spot after understanding his words that it was my ignorance that brought Zoya here. She showed the early symptoms, still I ignored it. I couldn't take care of her.

I sat on the three-seater steel bench, placed on the corridor. Tears started to trickle down my face. She was lying on the hospital bed, crying out of pain, going through the painful process only because I didn't give my full attention to her.

Ashar should have listened to me. He should not have let her live with me. He trusted me with his daughter and look what I did to her. My own culpability and deep regret surrounded me.

💙

Five hours later, I heard that voice, the voice I was longing to hear.

"Sanaya? Why are you sitting on the floor?" Ashar sat beside me and touched my shoulder.

Hearing his comforting voice, made me burst into tears once again, increasing my guilt. I didn't deserve to be Zoya mother. I didn't deserve to be a mother at all when I didn't know how to look after a child.

"You're giving me the creeps." He sounded scared, sitting on his knees, "Tell me, please."

"I'm not a good Mom." I sobbed, burying my face in my palms.

He held my hand, "Look at me."

I turned my face in his direction. He looked frightened and exhausted. He also would have felt devastated after hearing the panicky news.

He opened his mouth to say further, but stopped when he saw doctor passed by. He left my hand, stood up and swiftly blocked the doctor's way.

"Are you treating my daughter? Her name is Zoya."

I didn't look at them, just heard their conversation. I hugged my knees and hid my face in them.

I heard doctor's voice, "Your daughter is out of danger now. She's sleeping. I told your wife already, but still she is sitting on the floor since two hours and crying."

"Two hours?"

"Yes. I was about to order a nurse to check on her. She would be sick if she continued crying like this."

Doctor was right. He had already informed me that Zoya was okay, but this could not change the fact that because of me she was here. I was relaxed that she was fine now. But, I hated myself. I had been sitting on the floor in the corridor against the steel bench and sobbing.

"Thank you, doctor for showing so much concern. Can I see her now?" Ashar asked.

"Yes you can. Go to the children's ward."

After that, I didn't hear them. Maybe, their conversation was over. I felt warmth beside me, "Why are you weeping when she's fine? I thought I would get my first heart attack right now. You should've informed me."

I moved my head up.

He sighed in relief, "Thank Goodness. She's okay."

I stood on my feet wordlessly and started moving forward. Ashar appeared before me, "Hey, where are you going?"

"Away from Zoya." I mumbled, stepped forward.

He again blocked my path through his arm, "What?"

"Move aside, Ashar." I seethed in irritation, "I'm a bad luck to her. You left her with me, showed trust on me and I failed to be a responsible mother."

He shook his head in disbelief, "Sanaya, relax. These thoughts are the outcome of the bad situation you faced."

"You don't know what I've done to her." I snapped. The moisture in my eyes blurred my vision, "You stay here with her. I want to be alone, so don't follow me."

💙

I stayed in my apartment for God knows how long and tortured myself by recalling the whole terrifying hospital scenario and the doctor's words. I could not forget those heart-wrenching images of a toddler trembling with fear, looking so pale and fragile.

My carelessness was a result of my loneliness that I grew up without a family so I didn't know how to be a good mother, how to raise a child, how to give a proper hygienic environment to her. The guilt that bothered me for three years that I was just like my birth parents, that same guilt was once again eating me alive.

Tears continued to flow down my cheek as my remorse swirled around me. I had no right to claim Zoya my daughter when I had done nothing to prove myself a matured person.

I noticed the door of my apartment opened and Ashar and Zoya stepped inside. Zoya was holding her father's hand. When she saw me, she left Ashar's hand and ran to me.

"Mommy, are you crying?" Her face turned serious.

I rose on my knees and cupped her face, "I was thinking about you. Are you feeling okay now?"

"Yes, Mommy. Doctor said I can play and eat anything." She showed me her toothy smile.

I moved my hands down and caught a white, small bandage sticking at the back of her hand. The kind of bandage, they put it after a blood test or a syringe. I felt sick at the realization that how much pain she had to endure. She was just a three-year old.

"That's good. You go and take some rest now." I forced a smile on my face. She nodded and ran to Ashar. He picked her up in his arms.

"Should we go to the room?"

"Okay, Daddy." Zoya agreed.

Half an hour later, Ashar came out of the room and sat on the floor beside me against the sofa.

"Hey." He said to get my attention.

I turned my head towards him, "Are you angry on me?"

He looked at me confusingly, "Why should I?"

"Because I couldn't take care of her properly."

"Sanaya, it happens." He comforted me in his soothing voice.

I was amazed to see his reaction. I turned my whole body in his direction and tried to study his face, maybe he was masking his anger, maybe he was controlling it, but when I observed his calmed posture, I understood that he was being honest. All I could notice was exhaustion on his face.

"What? Why are you staring at me?" He looked befuddled.

"Doctor said it was my fault, it was my carelessness." I cried and tried to test his patience one more time for confirmation, "She showed the early symptoms, but I didn't pay attention. She ended up at the hospital because of me."

He heaved out a loud sigh, "It's okay. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not like you did it on purpose. Doctor gave me the prescription to follow for almost a week."

"You should be angry on me, screaming at me for behaving so carelessly. I couldn't just forget her frightening sobs, her fear." Once again tears gathered in my eyes, "I'm so sorry."

"Relax, please. She's okay now."

I sniffled and tried to stop my weeps, "What made you to be good to her? What made you to be her father?"

"I did it for you. You asked me."

I raised my eyes at him. He looked solemn, "You asked me to be a good father and I wanted to listen to you. Besides, Zoya is my oxygen. Without her I couldn't breathe."

"You're a good father, Ashar." I whispered a compliment to him.

A slow smile spread on his face that reached to his sparkling eyes, "I always wanted to hear that from you."

His smile gave me palpitating heart yet at the same reminded me my own sin, "Zoya loves you too. She can't live with you, but she can live without me. I'm a bad influence on her."

The smile on his lips quickly disappeared, "It's not true. You're important to Zoya just as me. Don't punish yourself for my mistakes. You out of all the people know how it feels to live without parents and still you're thinking this way."

His words lessened the control on my tears and once again I began sobbing profusely. I hid my face in my palms and let the tears seeped down my face. I realized how much pain I had given to that innocent creature. The regrets of the past created heaviness in my chest.

"It's all because of you. You compelled me to leave her behind." I uncovered my face and yelled at him.

He turned to me, cupping my face, "Sanaya-" I grabbed his hand and tried to pull it away, "Let go of me." My voice cracked.

He didn't move and remain in the same position instead I gave up and accepted his comfort, "You're blaming me for everything..." I trailed off.

I leaned forward and rested my head on his chest. His hand moved to the back of my head, stroking my hair, "I'm not blaming you. You're taking me wrong." He whispered.

I felt too weak to prolong the argument anymore. The continuous weeping gave me a throbbing headache and his warmth was somehow reducing it so I moved from the uncomfortable position and snuggled close to him by snaking my arms around him and hiding my face in the curve of his neck. His hand continued to massage the back of my head in a slow motion.

"You're going to make yourself sick." He murmured in a reposeful tone, drugging my conscious state, "Then it will be you lying on the hospital bed and I can't bear to see another painful sight."

For the first time in my life, I didn't feel lonely. I felt someone was there for me to comfort me in my weak moments, to remind me someone was there who cared for me. Due to living in loneliness all my life, I had stopped feeling the need of some company anymore. But today, Ashar brought out that suppressed desire of mine that was buried somewhere inside my heart; the desire to be with someone, to share the pain and happiness with someone.

I wanted someone who would love me, pamper me and fulfill my stupid, childish wishes and embrace me into a warm hug every single day, like he was doing right now.

His hand moved from my head down to my back, giving me light pats. I wanted him to keep doing that. I pressed my chest to his front some more and moved my arms around his neck.

He pushed back my hair, freeing my ear, "Don't think about the past anymore. You've suffered enough." He whispered lowly in my ear.

At that moment I cognized that if Ashar had made mistakes then I was not a saint either.