In Your Dreams, Holden Rhodes: Chapter 31

“YOU’RE MISS CHEERFUL TODAY.” Olivia shot me a side-long look at the bar that night.

My face heated but I shrugged. “What are you talking about?”

She raised her eyebrows. “You know what I’m talking about.” She leaned in with an intense stare before glancing at the painting I had done of Holden crying in this bar, hanging on display on the wall for everyone to admire.

Shit. She knew.

I kept my gaze on her. It felt like I was back in the interrogation rooms with the detectives, when they wanted to ensure I didn’t know Grant’s whereabouts.

“I don’t know anything,” I whispered, eyes wide. My pulse skittered and stumbled.

She narrowed her eyes at me before she shrugged. “Okay.”

I breathed out a slow breath.

All day, I’d been replaying Holden’s quiet, strained groan as he came last night. I closed my eyes and leaned on the bar.

My underwear was wet again. I pressed my mouth together.

Stop thinking about it.

“Hey,” Olivia called and I turned to see Holden slipping into his usual seat, eyes on me.

My ladyparts fluttered with arousal as my gaze traced the lines of his arms. He had such nice arms.

“Hi.” I smiled at him.

“How was your day?” he asked, giving me the same affectionate but heated look he gave me last night as he kissed his way down my body.

“Good. I donated the rest of Katherine’s stuff and then did some more painting.”

During my spare time, I’d been sorting through Katherine’s things, including her clothes and some of the furniture I didn’t think we would find a place for in the revised design.

“I can bring it to the thrift store in my truck.”

I shook my head, still smiling. “They picked it up today. How was your day?”

“Better now.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

We stared at each other for a moment. “You should smile more,” I told him.

His eyebrows rose with amusement. “Yeah?”

I nodded, biting back my grin.

“Hi,” Olivia said loudly at my side and I jumped. “Sadie, can you help me with a beer keg in the store room?”

I shot a wink at Holden as I followed her into the back. We stepped into the store room and she whirled around with wide eyes.

“You guys banged.”

I gasped. “What? Who told you?”

She stared at me like I was insane. “The two of you showed me with your eyes.” She poked two fingers in the direction of her eyes. “Hi. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? You two are acting weird. You had sex.”

I held my breath before letting it out. “Okay, we did. Not like, full sex, but other stuff.” I winced. “You can’t tell anyone, though.”

She wrinkled her nose. “He was that bad?”

I laughed. “No.”

She threw her hands up. “I don’t want to know. I grew up with that guy. So are you two dating now?”

“No,” I blurted out. “Definitely not dating. He wants a wife.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“It’s fine. We’re friends with benefits.”

She stared at me a moment before she closed her eyes. “Oh god.”

“It’s going to be fine.”

“Mhm.” She smiled and opened her eyes.

“Do you think this is a bad idea?”

Her amused expression dropped and she studied me for a moment before shaking her head. “No, I think it’s good. You two are good for each other.”

I thought back to my conversation with Willa today, and the apartment we would share back in Toronto. My throat squeezed.

“It’s temporary,” I told her with a shrug. “I’m not dating.”

She rolled her eyes but continued grinning. “Whatever. Help me with this keg.”

When we had returned to the bar, I poured Holden a beer, put his dinner order in, and made sure all the other tables had everything they needed before I returned to the bar. Holden and I were discussing where to buy new bedroom furniture when Don walked into the bar.

“Hi, Don.” I gave him a cheery wave. He volunteered at the thrift store and I had chatted with him for a few minutes this morning. “Do you want a drink? Sit anywhere you like.”

He clutched the plastic bag to his chest and shifted with a serious expression. “Hi, Sadie, I’m not staying long. I’m returning one of your items you tried to donate today.”

“Oh. Sure.” I shot him a questioning frown.

His eyes were wide. “Now, I hope you don’t think I’m shaming you.”

I narrowed my eyes. Huh?

He pulled the enormous alien dildo out of the bag and Holden choked on his beer. My heart stopped and my stomach plummeted.

“We can’t sell items of a personal nature like this,” Don said with an apologetic expression. “Although someone on Facebook Marketplace might be interested.”

My face turned beet red. Fuck, the bag had been out by the garbage bins, and it must have gotten mixed up in the donations. “I didn’t mean to donate that.” I grabbed the dildo and the bag from Don before other people spotted it.

“Um.” Olivia stopped behind Don and Holden, wide eyes on the dildo as I stuffed it into the bag. “What the fuck was that?”

“It was nothing,” I told her. “You saw nothing. It isn’t mine.”

Don shook his head. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has needs.”

Holden’s fist covered his mouth as his chest shook.

“Don, I’m really sorry about this.” I clutched the bag to my chest. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Don shrugged. “Everyone at the store already saw.”

My face burned harder as I stowed the bag in the back. When I returned, Don had left. Holden and Olivia burst out laughing.

“Really?” Olivia said. “That big?”

I groaned and shot Holden a look. “Tell her.”

He took a sip of his beer and shook his head, grinning. “I’m not involved in this.”

Him and Olivia burst into laughter again.

“I didn’t mean to donate it,” I said, wincing as I leaned on the bar. “Do you think everyone knows?”

They exchanged a glance. “Yes,” they said in unison.

I put my forehead on the counter top with a groan.

Later, when the bar hit a lull, I took a break on the stool beside Holden.

“I have a question for you.” I had been thinking about it all day.

He took a sip of beer, waiting.

“Why do you want to get married so bad?”

He thought about it. “It looks nice.”

My brow wrinkled. “Define nice.”

“Taking care of someone, having someone to take care of you. Sharing a life with someone. Building something together. Loving someone. Raising kids.” He shot me a glance. “Waking up with someone every day.”

My heart skipped a beat. Friends with benefits, I chanted in my head. He knew the deal. He knew that wouldn’t be me.

I tried to picture this euphoric experience Holden described but all I could see was Grant holding out a ring. My stomach churned. I could admit now I didn’t even like the ring he bought me. It wasn’t me at all.

I sipped my soda water. “It’s a huge commitment. It’s like getting a dog.”

His mouth turned up. “I’d get a dog.”

I rolled my eyes but grinned. “I can just see it. The dog would sit in the passenger seat and go with you everywhere.”

“Sounds nice.” He glanced at me. “Like marriage.”

I stared at the TV above the bar. “A dog doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Katherine wished she got married,” he murmured, eyes on the hockey highlights. “She never found the love of her life. She told me she wished she had put more effort in. She thought the right person would show up when it was time.”

I considered his words. She had never mentioned this to me.

“I promised her I’d try,” he added.

What if I was like Katherine? What if I never met the right person? I frowned.

Olivia rounded the corner from the back hallway, holding my coat. “It’s dry now. I’ll hang it in the back room.”

“Thank you,” I called after her.

Holden shot me a questioning glance.

“I went for a forest walk today but it started raining,” I explained. “Things take forever to air dry out here and I don’t want it to stink so I asked Olivia if I could put it in the dryer on low for a bit.”

The walk had been serene. Just me, the trees, and a few squirrels. Right before the rain started, fog had drifted through the trees, and I had snapped a quick picture to remember the moment.

He frowned. “You need a better coat.”

I shrugged. “I like my coat. It’s warm.”

“It’s not waterproof, though. You need something for the rain.” He glanced down at my sneakers. “And you need better shoes.”

By the time I arrived back to the inn after my walk, my shoes had been soggy and muddy. He had a point.

“You think you’ll ever change your mind?” Holden asked, eyes still on the TV.

“Hmm?”

“About getting married.”

“No.” The answer flew out of my mouth.

He cleared his throat. “You sound certain.”

“I am.” I shook my head. “I pick wrong all the time and it’s just a piece of paper.”

“It’s not just a piece of paper.” He frowned deeper. “It’s a commitment. It’s someone loving you enough to choose you forever, over everyone else.”

“It’s an anchor,” I bit back. “It gives another person control over your life. I almost married a guy who I didn’t even know, Holden. I didn’t even know his real name.” I let out a sharp laugh. “I guess our marriage wouldn’t have been real if he wasn’t using his real name.” I sighed and rubbed my temples. “I see what you’re saying, and it’s one of those ‘good for you but not for me’ things.”

We studied each other.

“Okay,” he said, expression unreadable.

“Okay.” I shrugged.

I wanted to get up and leave, because it was uncomfortable now, but I didn’t want to leave it like that with him.

“I always pick people who let me down,” I admitted.

He studied my face with a crease between his eyebrows, like he wanted to say something. My stomach flipped.

“So,” I said in a more casual tone. “I bet you have your wedding all planned out.”

He snorted with a grin and his gaze returned to the bar.

“That’s a yes,” I teased. “Have you already booked your venue?”

His grin widened and he shot me a glance. “Hotels are too impersonal.”

I hummed, watching him. So he had planned it. Marriage nauseated me, so why did I find this so freaking adorable?

“Gray, black, or navy suit?” I asked.

His eyes stayed on the hockey game. “Navy.”

I tapped my finger on my lip, studying him. He would look so hot in a navy suit. “Huge party or small and intimate?”

“Huge party.”

My eyebrows shot up. “Really? You hate parties.”

His expression softened and he glanced at me with a small shrug. “I want everyone I know to be there.” The sides of his mouth turned up.

Adorable. So freaking adorable.

Something on the wall by the TV caught my eye and a noise strangled out of my throat as I pointed at it. “How did that get up there?”

She had mounted the dildo on the wall beside the TV, hanging for everyone to see.

Holden took a sip of beer. “Olivia put it up there when you went to the washroom.”

Olivia returned to the bar with a tray of empties and a big grin. “Leave the alien dong up there or you’re fired.”

“If you fire me,” I told her, “I’m taking my dildo with me.”

She wiggled her eyebrows. “So it is yours.”

I rolled my eyes. “I hate this place.”

“No, you don’t.” She narrowed her eyes at me as she loaded glasses into the dishwasher.

I sighed and smiled at Holden. “No, I don’t.”

When I returned to Toronto, I’d miss this place.