Chapter 28

'Are you hungry?' I flipped over from our movie to face Christan, throwing my now empty bag of MnM's on my bedside table, still feeling peckish.

We had decided, after days of constant hardcore training and mourning to take a break. We were both curled up into our bed with the laptop, and were watching Prince of Persia.

It was a way of numbing ourselves to the world around us.

'Afraid not. I'm Christan. Nice to meet you' He held out his hand to me, amusement glistening in his eyes.

'You're turning into a classic dad with all these really bad jokes' I said on instinct, before immediately regretting my words.

My thoughts immediately flashed back to the night when Christan had taught Valerie "how to pull her thumb from her finger".

I had repeated the same phrase to him at the time.

And she was there.

And she made us all happy.

'Its always the little things with her, isnt it?' Christan's smile had dropped a fraction, like his memories and mine were in sync.

'Isnt it just' I sighed, averting my eyes back to the screen that had been changing frames without me processing them.

'Anyway. Food? What can I get you? Savoury? Sweet?' I changed the topic quickly, to try and attempt to shove past whatever feelings arose.

I wasnt ready to cry again. I didnt want to.

'I dont really mind' Christian obviously forced a smile, feeling exactly the way I did.

He cast his eyes upon the film again, as I let a breath escape my lips.

I went towards the door, a hole in my chest where a joyful daughter should be, when Christan sighed out loud.

'What?' I spun round, meeting his eyes.

He stretched his arms open across two corners of the headboard of the bedframe, raising an eyebrow in question as if in gesture of an offer.

I let myself say yes internally, with the expection of not being weak enough to cry.

I stalked towards him slowly, cuddling up beside him properly this time, when he wrapped his arms around me like a sloth wraps its arms around a tree.

He sat with me in silence for a while, letting me watch his chest rise and fall with life, as we watched the movie. My thoughts numbed to the movie, and I took in the moment I had with the person I loved.

It was perfect.

....Till I felt that creeping feeling as I cuddled with Christian; that I shouldn't be doing it.

That my mother wouldnt approve. That I put her through the death of the entire pack, that she deserves to be happy.

I felt myself shifting uncomfortably under his touch.

Christian reached out and paused the movie, in the midst of the climax, but it didnt seem like either of us cared.

'What is it? You know you can tell me, right?' He sat up, as if knowing I needed to get something out.

And I did want to tell him. I didnt want to feel like this anymore.

'I.. I just..' I sighed, dropping my head down.

I couldn't face him properly.

I felt Christan's two rough-tipped fingers under my chin, lifting my head up slowly to face his as we still lay on the bed.

He gave me a small nod, telling me, promting to my internal self that I could.

And I felt something spark inside of me.

I sat up suddenly, surprising him.

"Whenever I'm with you, whenever I'm finally feeling.. good.. with you next to me, in moments like that one, this creeping thought would come into my mind, telling me I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy it; that my mother's happiness should come first because of all the pain she went through.

That her happiness is wanting a good family with your father, and she wants stability in this new family she's created, but most of all.. her happiness is me not being with you.

And I would want her happiness, always. I guess it was mostly because I felt guilty for it all- for running into the woods that day when I was told not to. For being the bargaining chip that my father refused that triggered the war, that killed everyone we loved..' As I spoke that sentence, I felt the creeping feeling weigh on me again.

But I shoved it away, remembering what I was about to say. Christan sat up on the bed, moving closer to me.

'But if we're stating facts, my mum.. she was selfish enough to marry Theodore for love. Not for a mate bond, for 'love'. She chose to put this entire pack in danger, when she knew the consequences of Alpha Lorence wanting us all dead. If that wasnt enough, she didn't tell Vanessa, Jason or I, so we built relationships with wolves in this pack, and you've all become so close to us, you're family. That's what happens when you throw 3 lone wolves with dead families into a pack with open arms generally.

And now we've put the ones we love closest, in the most danger, because of her!' I was on my feet now, pacing along the side of the bed as I flung my arms in the air.

'Valerie was only 5 years old! She was developing a crush, she had her whole life ahead of her! She was.. she was sweet, and innocent. She was human. Targeted because of my mothers' selfishness. And now.. she's gone. And I hate it. I hate that she's gone Christan' I felt yet another tear run down my cheek, as my eyes fell to the floor.

I knew he wanted to say something, but he didnt. On rare occasion, I listened in to his thoughts quickly.

They didnt tell me his opinion, or his disguist at my outburst.

They told me he wanted me to finish what I was saying, that he was proud I was finally saying it.

And with the memory of Valerie and my mothers actions, I felt rage.

'But I think the worst thing is.. Valerie won't be the first one. How many casualties does this pack have to suffer for the war? No matter how much training we go through, their pack is ruthless, and filled with lone werewolves. All that upcoming death.. it's on her'

I let go of a breath I had been holding in, letting go of all that rage and guilt, and finally, meeting Christan's eyes.

'So right now, with the amount of pain my mother has inflicted on me, and especially on others, no matter what I've done in the past.. f*ck it. I'm allowed to feel happy at her expense'

And with that, I pulled him up off the bed, unable to contain my wide smile.

'I love you Christan, and if I could ever take back rejecting you as my mate, I would in less than a heartbeat. I'm really sorry for being such an idiot. I'll make it up to you with our many years to come, I swear' I said sincerely.

'Only if you'll have me, that is' I added quickly.

'I've been waiting way too long to hear that' He grinned, pulling my hips to his, making us both sway side to side as I lost my balance.

'I love you too Jesse' His beautiful brown eyes sparkled like Guy Fawkes night.

I couldn't help it, I felt so complete and happy, I linked my hands at the back of his head, and pulled his lips to mine.

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Hey, so I wrote this when I was.. 15.

I had a few people message me on social media asking about this book, and didn't realise the attention it had gotten at all. I really appreciate the support! This book was written in a time in my life when I was struggling a lot with seeing my self-worth and I'm grateful some of you identified with my character, a girl who was everything I wanted to be but unluckily filled with my own insecurities back then. I know it isn't satisfying, but here's the last draft I had left saved to end off the story, untouched by my old brain now. If anyone would like to write a more satisfying ending for this book in the comments, please do! (I know my 14 year old self wanted to write a big battle which her mother ended up dying in tragically, and it ended with the main character pregnant with twins 5 years later in an epilogue.) I'm no longer a writer unfortunately, but found my happy ending in my personal life with my partner and current occupation! Stay safe in these trying times, and thankyou for the support on this story :))