ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕣𝕥𝕪-𝔽𝕠𝕦𝕣

𝑴𝒂𝒚𝒂 𝑺𝒕. 𝑴𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒏

Today marks officially 11 months. 11 months since I've talked to him. Since I've seen him.

The last time I thought about him was yesterday when I tried to get another orgasm. But, it was a waste of time. I haven't orgasmed since him.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I missed him. I avoided him like the fucking plague for the rest of the school year.

During the summer, I busted my ass to rent an apartment with Angela. She and Leo were still going strong. It disgusted me.

She eventually got over Leo's parents not liking her. Seeing them always reminded me of him. It reminded me of what I could've had with him.

You were fucking unlovable.

Jeremiah didn't give a shit about me and yet his words were bleached into my brain like a permanent tattoo that I did not fucking want.

He tried to get in contact with me. He chased me downstairs the day I left his apartment. He showed up at my dorm daily for a month before giving up. He would call, text, and even fucking email.

I couldn't stand it because these 11 months apart had confirmed what I was shit-scared of. I have feelings for Kol.

I didn't want to. You were fucking unlovable.

The door opens and Angela walks inside. "Your Mom's here, Maya."

My Mother has been better. Ever since that moment after my brother, she's been really trying. We have lunch every Sunday and she comes over sometimes. She's not as overbearing, but after all, she's still Aureila St. Martin.

"Maya, you look thin, have you eaten? Should I order something? Your favorite restaurant, Sambrino's?" she asks.

Sambrino's. It was his favorite too. Can't eat there. "No, Mom, I'm fine. I just had some pretzels."

I see her mouth twitch in almost a smile at Mom. I noticed that she likes that. It makes her happy when I call her Mom.

She senses something is up with me. After prying and trying for the first couple of months, she stopped asking. Maybe she was waiting until I was ready to tell her. Maybe she already knew.

"I just came to grab my bag, Maya. I'm spending the weekend at Leo's," Angela says and then heads to her room.

My Mom sits down next to me and looks at me skeptically. After a few moments of silents, she lets out an exasperated sigh. "Maya, I can't take it anymore. It's been almost a year since you've been this way. What happened? Why won't you tell me?"

I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone. I barely told Angela a month ago. Everything reminds me of him and I can't fucking stand it.

You were fucking unlovable.

"I just...college is really stressing me out. It feels like I just finished finals and I'm already going back soon," I lie. She sighs. "School will be stressful, Maya, but in the end, you will be able to overcome it."

I look down and she lifts up my chin. "You are strong and you are loved, Maya. Don't forget it."

I give her a small smile. "I have to fly back to Arizona. I'll see you for Thanksgiving." She places a light peck on my forehead and leaves the apartment.

Angela comes trudging out of her room with a duffle bag. "Are you staying for a weekend or a week?" I joke and she smiles.

"Leo needs me. His neighbors drive him crazy," Angela whines. "Then why don't you guys just stay here?"

Her face is covered in remorse and she slightly frowns. "I don't want to rub my happy relationship in your face, Maya. With everything that went down with Kol that is the last thing you need."

I wince at his name. It physically pains me to not be near him and yet I can't bring myself to him. You were fucking unlovable.

She brings me into a hug. "I promise it would be better if you just talk to him, M."

I shake my head. You were fucking unlovable. "I can't," I whisper. "I can't do it."

She releases me. "Why? You just told me that he said he loved you and you left. I know that you have feelings for him and you know it too. So, why don't you just go and talk to him?"

You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable.

"Ang, I just can't. I told you because I thought you would respect my opinion." Angela rolls her eyes.

"Maya, you are my best fucking friend. I'm always going to respect you and your opinion. I'm always going to support you and love you. But, I'm also going to give you tough love. You are a very smart person and I know staying away from Kol for almost a year is killing you. You haven't lit up since the day you stopped talking to Kol. Why? What is so bad about him loving you?"

You were fucking unlovable.

I feel tears stinging my eyes. "I can't have this conversation right now, Angela."

Angela's lips thin and she looks annoyed. "I'm going to head over to Leo's. Call me if you really want to talk."

I watch as she leaves. I drag myself off of the couch and walk to my room. I lock the door. I lay down on my bed and pull out my phone.

I go to the voice memos app and press record. "This is Maya's Diaires #59. This is the 59th time I have felt pain hearing your name or thinking about you. I was talking to my Mom and Angela today. They know something is up and they're getting tired of my games, and I keep lying. There's something wrong with me. I have feelings for you. I have overbearing strong feelings for you that it's almost ridiculous."

I take a breath and continue. "I want to do nothing but look at you and talk to you. But, I can't because...."

You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable.

I stop the voice recording and save it into my Maya Diaries folder. I can't stop the tears from trailing down my face. I exit the voice memos and go to my voicemail.

I scroll down to the only unsaved number in there and listen to the voicemail.

"Maya, it's me, Kol. I'm guessing you deleted and blocked my number already. I-I had so much to say and now that I'm calling you and leaving a voice message, I can't seem to say anything. Well, actually I can say a few things. Maya, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts to breathe without you near. I think about you constantly and everything about you drives me insane."

The tears stop and my skin feels like it's on fire. "Please call me back. It's been a month since I've last seen or spoken to you. I can't stand not being near you. Maya...no matter what happens or what you think, just know that I will always love you. No matter what."

I hear the click letting me know that the message has finished. I will always love you. No matter what.

You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable. You were fucking unlovable.

As much as I wanted to believe that there are people out there besides my family that can love me no matter what, I couldn't believe it.

Kol would break me. Hell, he already has. I can't be with him and I can't fucking move on. It's driving me insane.

I have no idea what the hell to do.

End of Chapter Thirty-Four

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEY EVERYBODYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.

I know the time jump is a bit aggressive, but it was all meant for story-telling purposes.

Please let me know any grammatical errors you want to see if this story.

Don't forget to vote, comment, and share this story with all your Wattpad-loving friends.

I LOVVVVVVVEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUU GUYSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!