Chapter 43

“Xavier?” He looks up from the sofa, his expression conflicted as he stares at what appears to be a box in his hands. Normally, he’d have met me halfway when I come home from work, and he’d have kissed me until I’m breathless. He’s been acting even more distant than usual for a couple of days now, and I suspect it has everything to do with me admitting that I want him to let me in. I should’ve known I was asking for too much, that I overstepped.

“Kitten,” he says, rising to his feet, the box in his hand. He seems hesitant as he walks up to me, and nerves rush through me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.”

I nod and rise to my tiptoes to kiss him, my eyes dropping to the box he’s holding when I pull away. “What’s that, and why is it stealing your attention away from me?”

Xavier throws me an amused smile and looks down. “I’ve been thinking about what you said to me, about not wanting to guess what I’m thinking, and wanting more than the carefully curated version of myself I’ve been showing you.”

I nod, my heart in my throat. “That… honestly, just forget I said anything,” I murmur, looking away.

He gently places his index finger underneath my chin and forces me to face him. “Don’t do that,” he says, his tone pleading. “Don’t dismiss your needs simply because I failed to meet them.”

I stare at him in surprise, caught off guard by his words. “I’m not —”

“This is for you,” he says, handing me the box. “Someday, I’m going to tell you all about why I’m not as good with words as you’d like me to be, but until then, I’m going to find little ways to bridge the gap between us. I know it’s not enough, but please know that I heard your concerns, and I’m working on it.”

“Xavier, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I spoke without thinking, and I’ve regretted those words ever since.”

He cups my face and brushes his thumb over my lip. “The things we say often are a cause for regret,” he says, his tone bittersweet, “but I’m learning the hard way that though words can hurt, the words we leave unspoken can cut just as deep. There are so many things I want to say but can’t, things you need to hear, and because of it, you’re hurting.” He pulls his hand back, and I glance at the box he handed me. “Open it.”

Xavier watches me as I pull the bow loose, his expression tormented. He’s right — if Valeria hadn’t told me about their past, I wouldn’t have understood, and I’d have let my own fears and insecurities keep us apart. It would’ve hurt even more than it does.

“This…” I stare at the book he gifted me wide-eyed. “This is a signed and personalized special edition hardback,” I whisper, in awe. “This version isn’t even out yet.” I gasp when I realize it has sprayed edges, only for my heart to drop when I open it. “It’s annotated,” I say, trying my best to mask my outrage when I recognize his handwriting. I hold up the book and raise a brow. “What is this? A declaration of war?”

“What?” he asks, confused. “I… I thought you’d like this.”

I bite down on my lip and take a calming breath before forcing a smile for my husband. He defiled a special edition, and he has no idea.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea,” he says, trying to take it back, and I step away, holding it to my chest.

“It’s mine,” I tell him. “You can’t have it back.” He smiles and shakes his head as I throw him a suspicious look before carefully taking another look at my new book. “It’s gorgeous,” I tell him, my voice shaking. His eyes roam over my face, and I grin at him, genuinely this time. “So you’ve read this?”

He nods. “I initially started reading it because I wanted to know why you loved it, and as I was reading it, I highlighted all the passages that reminded me of you. I added some notes in the margins to let you know why something made me think of you, when it might not be obvious from the text.”

I flick through my brand new edition of A Curse of Shadows and Ice, my heart soaring when I look at it again, seeing it with new eyes. The thought of Xavier reading a beauty and the beast romantasy is endlessly amusing, and I can’t help but grin when I realize he’s highlighted one of my favorite parts — the part where the heroine says I only promised to be with you until death do us part. I was just expediting the death part, right before she stabs the emperor in the heart, on their wedding night no less, not realizing he’s immortal.

In the margins, it reads: I think I know what he saw in her, even that early in their story; it’s the same thing I see in you. It’s rare to find someone who isn’t intimidated by me, but you never have been. My fears are the same as Felix’s, someday you’ll see the monster inside me, and you’ll run like everyone else does.

I look up at him, but he’s looking away. “I know it isn’t the same as me spontaneously telling you what’s on my mind, or learning to communicate the way I need to, but it’s …”

“It’s perfect,” I tell him, trying my best to blink back the tears in my eyes. I can’t believe how thoughtful this is, how much effort this must’ve been. But even more so, I can’t believe he sees himself that way. I place the book on our coffee table and reach for him. “Xavier, you are no monster.”

“I wish I weren’t,” he says, burying his hands in my hair. “If I could wash my hands clean, I would, Sierra. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to become the kind of man you want.”

“I only want you,” I admit. “It’s only ever been you.”

He drops his forehead to mine and draws a shaky breath. “You can’t mean that.”

I rise to my tiptoes and kiss him, loving the way he makes the softest sound in the back of his throat before pulling my body flush against his. He kisses me hungrily, desperately, and I step forward, making him step back, until we both tumble onto the sofa. He groans when I straddle him, his gaze caressing my body. “I want you, Xavier Kingston. The good, the bad, and everything in between.” My hands roam over his shirt, and I smile as I pull begin to unbutton it. “Let me show you just how much.”