||Thirty-four||

The cafe was uncharacteristically quiet.

The door swung shut behind me with a twinkle from the overhead bell, and a few of the only waiters glanced up momentarily before looking away, seemingly bored out of their minds.

I took a seat behind at one of the farthest booths, leaning my head against one hand as I watched rain drops slowly descended from the grey clouds.

My mood had dampened as soon as I had left Rob's company, and I could not believe that it had taken me this long to realize that he was a great person to keep my spirits up.

I had taken him for granted, like I did most things.

I hated myself for that.

I hated myself for a lot of things, actually.

"Nate! Where the hell have you been?" Tom exclaimed as he dropped down on the seat facing me.

I shrugged.

"I haven't seen you since the camping trip, what happened?" His voice softened, like he could sense I wasn't feeling so good.

No, I felt like absolute shit.

"Stuff," I finally spoke. "I need camomile."

I saw him grimace. "Must be some serious stuff, then. I'll get it as soon as I can, wait here."

I nodded.

Where else would I go?

My attention swiveled back to the window, where the rain was slowly leaving its trail on the glass.

Without meaning to, I checked my phone, but I had no missed calls or texts. From anyone.

Deep down, I knew I was hoping that Ian would try to contact me again.

Inside, somewhere at my very inner self, I still imagine myself in his arms as he held me because I was too weak to carry myself.

"Here," Tom said, placing the tea cup in front of me. "Camomile with honey."

I wrapped my fingers around the hot liquid. "Thanks."

"Now tell me what happened."

"I...can't."

"Then why are you here?" He raised his eyebrows, leaning back against his seat and crossing his arms over his chest.

"I want to tell you," I said, "but I don't know how. I don't how you'll react or where I should start."

"Start from the beginning," he deadpanned.

"You already know the beginning."

He sighed. "Is this about Devin again?"

I winced. "Sort of?"

"Oh, crap. Do you still like him?" he asked, his eyes widening.

"No!" I exclaimed. "Quite the contrary."

"Oh, is this is about you not liking him anymore? Best friends fight all the time, Nate. It doesn't mean you have to stop being friends."

"We didn't fight. That's the thing...But that's not why I'm here."

I closed my eyes as I tried to gather my thoughts. "I'm moving back in with my parents. Actually, I should be there right now, and the dog is still in my car which is probably not the best idea but-"

"Wait, why are you moving back in?"

"If I tell you, promise me you won't freak out. And don't tell Jesse."

"I won't freak out, but no promises on not telling Jesse."

I sighed. "You know I'm only doing this because you're my only friend, right?"

"Wow, way to make me feel special."

"Remember the karaoke night?"

He frowned. "Yeah, you came here with Ian."

"Yeah, so we went back to my apartment and crashed there 'cause we were both too tired to do anything else."

"Okay, that sounds normal."

I nodded, slowly realizing how nervous I was. "I guess we hung out and stuff, but I was feeling down about the Jake thing and he said we should drink. He'd already gotten a few bottles of beer the other night-"

"Beer?" he scrunched his nose.

"I know. It's gross."

He shuddered. "Go on."

I explained to him that Ian had taken a few more drinks than he should have.

"He was drunk?"

"Yeah," I said.

"What did he do?"

I looked down at the tea in my hands, watching the liquid swirl with every movement.

"He...pushed me against the kitchen counter and kissed me."

Silence.

Then, "You're joking."

"I'm serious."

"Holy-...what the hell? Is he crazy?"

"He was drunk."

"Well, what did you do?"

I looked down again.

"Were you also drunk?"

"No."

"You kissed him back," he stated.

"Yeah," I said quietly.

"Shit."

I nodded grimly.

"Wait...this was before the camping trip. You two...Nate!"

I reluctantly looked up and instantly regretted doing so. He looked horrified.

"Did you have sex?"

"No!"

"You shared a tent."

"You did too!"

"Yeah, with my boyfriend. Ian isn't your boyfriend, is he?"

"No."

"Shit."

"Stop saying that!"

"Sorry, but are you out of your mind?"

"I must be," I said frustratedly as I ran my fingers through my hair.

He groaned. "You went back to his apartment, oh my gosh, Nate. Devin's your best friend."

"I know that already."

"Do you like Ian?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I mean, I would have to if I kissed him."

"No but do you like him?"

I didn't move, I didn't dare say a word.

"What now?"

"Devin's back."

"Holy-"

"I swear, Tom, if you say that word one more time-"

"Okay, okay." He sighed. "This is so messed up."

"Devin's back," I repeated. "He's back and I think something bad happened because Ian said he needed to be with him. What does that even mean? I need him. I was there, I-"

I cursed, clenching my fingers together to form a fist.

"You like him a lot. Nate..."

"I think I do," I said, almost numbly.

"You know you can't..."

"Why not?" I shot.

"You just can't!"

"Why?" I pressed on.

Why?

"You can't like him! You just can't!"

"I know. It's wrong, but it's how I feel and I can't freaking control that."

He shook his head. "You'll get hurt."

"I'm already hurt," I muttered.

"See! The more reason to stay away from Ian."

I stood up, reaching into my pockets to pull out a few dollars. "I need to go."

Tom stood as well. "Where are you going?"

I walked away. "Home."

--

A few of the men who worked at our house helped me carry the boxes to my room.

I no longer felt the need to live in the attic, so my mother ordered the maids to bring down the piano.

"You already made the effort to bring it up there, why bring it down?" I asked her when they brought down the piano.

"I want to hear you play again."

"Even in the middle of the night?"

She laughed. "Why not?"

I almost forgot about Ian.

But one did not simply forget about Ian. It was damn near impossible.

"Thank you," I said.

She smiled. "I'm sure you're tired. Would you like to rest here for a while?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

She smiled again before leaving me to the empty bedroom.

I felt my shoulders relax and moved over to the piano, taking a seat on the stool before cracking my fingers in preparation.

I played a few song, my fingers slipping occasionally so I felt more frustrated than I had already.

I pressed the wrong key for the millionth time and finally gave up, slamming my fist against the keys.

Taking a long shaky breath, I stood up and moved towards the door.

I walked down the noiseless halls. Everything was so quiet and at peace. Everything was good. Everything was okay.

Yet my shoulders felt heavy, my eyes were sore, my muscles ached, and my heart felt like it was near self destruction.

I dragged my body down the halls, peeking my head in empty bedrooms, wondering if anyone would ever fill up their vacant space.

The Persian rugs beneath me muted the sound of my footsteps, the only sound I was producing was the sound of my irregular breathing as I tried to not succumb to the pain that I felt.

I had finally made my way up to the attic when my phone vibrated in my back pocket.

Pulling it out, I gave the screen a look and froze.

"Hey," I said weakly.

"Hi, are you busy right now?"

"Not really."

"Where are you?"

"Devin, I don't think this is the right time."

Does he know?

I swallowed, feeling tiny beads of sweat trickle down the back of my neck.

"I thought you're not busy," he said, "I just need to talk."

"Isn't there someone else you could talk to?" I asked.

Like Ian.

"No," he said, and I felt my stomach flip. Not because I felt anything for him, or that I was flattered. It had nothing to do with Devin. "Not about this anyway."

"Where do you want to meet?"

"The cafe?"

I'd already been there earlier that day, and was not in the mood to serve Tom some kind of entertainment.

"How about the park right outside?"

"Isn't it raining?"

"Get an umbrella."

"Fine."

He hung up and I frowned down at the phone in my hand.

I couldn't decipher his mood or whatever he was feeling. I didn't know if he knew what had happened between me and Ian, or if he wasn't happy because of something else.

All I knew is that I was tired of lying. I was sick of it.

--

I got to the park before Devin did.

It has stopped raining, but staring at the sky while I awaited Devin's arrival told me that it might not stay that way for long.

And I'd forgotten to pick up an umbrella by the front door.

"You look like shit."

My eyes wandered to Devin lazily.

He stood beside me in one of those oversized hoodies, the hood pulled up, hands in the front of pockets. His hair was slicked back underneath the hood, his eyes bloodshot.

"I could say the same for you."

He rolled his eyes and sat beside me. "I have an excuse."

"What makes you think I don't?"

He turned his head to look at me, an amused look on his face.

His smiled a bit, but not because he was happy. "Do you want to go first?"

"Not really?"

"Fair enough," he said, staring straight ahead.

"This isn't good news, is it?"

He shook his head. "I've been gone for too long."

"Only a couple of weeks."

"Too long," he repeated.

"So, what is it?"

He shuffled around, sitting as comfortably as one possibly can on a park bench. "I think Ian's seeing someone else."

My stomach clenched. "How do you know?"

He shrugged. "I know. I can tell."

I wanted to run so bad.

"The thing is," he said, "I feel like I don't deserve to feel bad about it."

I frowned. "Why not?"

"I've been a shitty boyfriend and we both know it. I don't blame him for looking elsewhere. Frankly, I saw it coming."

"Devin, you can't be serious," I said. "You did nothing wrong."

I saw the muscles on his arms tightening, his fists clenching underneath his pockets. "What if...I did?"

I shook my head, "No."

He ducked his head, turning his head the other way.

"What did you do?" I whispered.

"I was drunk."

His words rung inside my head.

Déjà vu, I thought.

"Who was it?"

"Some guy back home. I was at a club with my friends and things got a bit out of hand."

"A bit?"

He winced. "I told him."

My heart dropped. "What?"

"I told Ian. That I slept with someone else-"

"You slept with someone else?"

I shivered, chills rising up both my arms.

"Yes," he said. "What did you think?"

I had no reply. "What did Ian say?"

My heart beat faster when I said his name.

"He's acting weird about it. I mean, I told him as soon as I got back but he hasn't kicked me out yet."

What must Ian be thinking right now?

Is he okay?

I discarded my thoughts.

"So you're still together?"

The words escaped me before I could do anything about it.

"I don't know. We didn't talk about it. Actually, we don't talk at all. He's busy with school and I'm busy with my own things. He even sleeps on the couch. I don't know what he's waiting for, but I can't live like this. I might go crazy."

I imagined Ian's lean figure lying on his couch. The same couch we lay on together the other day. My heart clenched, suddenly feeling tighter in my chest.

"What are you going to do?"

"Play it out. I'll see what happens. Maybe we can fix things."

"You think that's possible?"

He turned to me, frowning. "You don't know Ian."

It hurts.

"He's forgiving," he said.

I looked down at my hands. Pale, cold, and complete with purple-blue tinted fingernails. My hands resembled a corpse's.

"I think we can get through this," he went on. "He always said nothing can get between us. Maybe he's right. Maybe I can get over the guilt. I think I can..."

Fear and hate was all I felt in that moment.

"I need to go," I muttered, standing to my feet.

"Plans?"

I nodded hurriedly as he go to his own feet.

"I'll see you later," he said, lifting a hand in goodbye.

I watched him walk away with his tall and strong built.

Ian probably liked him for that. For Devin's eyes, his skin, his hair...

I could remember Ian's fingers tracing down the skin on my back and I shivered, rubbing at my arms.

Slowly, I walked back to my car, passing by a broken pencil on the sidewalk.

I bent down, reaching for the half-pencil and holding it in my hand. It looked like the same one he used while he worked on his project.

Damn it. He's everywhere.

I felt like I had no right to miss him. He wasn't mine anyway.

I tucked the pencil in my pocket.

I drove back to the house and replayed what had just happened.

Then I laughed.

I laughed because Devin had cheated on Ian. But unlike Ian and I he had sex.

Sex.

I laughed harder. Like a madman.

I think I am finally losing it.

Ian and I kissed and we'd felt guilty, we felt bad, we thought of Devin and how he'd feel.

Guilt practically consumed all my thoughts and all I did was kiss Ian and touch him here and there.

My laughter echoed loudly in my car, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks.

Ian.

Ian.

Ian.

I wanted him.

I wanted to touch his skin again, kiss him again, see him smile again.

His green eyes, his peirced ears, his talks of the future.

I stopped laughing, but the tears still ran down my face.

I closed my eyes, running my fingers through my hair like Ian would. I imagined his fingers in my hair, the way he used to do it.

My fingers clenched the steering wheel and I drove to the side before pulling over.

I bent my head, resting it against the steering wheel before closing my eyes again.

I squeezed my eyelids shut, but they still escaped, trailing down to my neck.

My heart squeezed so forcefully as an image of his smiling face in the woods came to mind. The way his wet hair ruffle in the wind, his lips smiling at something I'd said. His shoulder moving as he laughed, eyes sparkling, matching the green of the trees surrounding us.

Shit, it hurt.

Every thump of a heartbeat felt like a hot metal rod was being plunged through my chest, over and over.

I took a shaky breath, and with the hem of my sweatshirt, I wiped the tears off my cheeks before driving off.

On the bright side, it wasn't raining.

Heyy,

I don't know what I was listening to while I wrote this, but I remember feeling very sad and close to tears. Feeels.

Yes, I'm aware that that car scene was a bit creepy. Haha, Nate's going psycho. Just kidding. But really, if I ever saw someone do that I'd probably run away screaming.

Anyway. Question: do you think Ian and Devin should go back to the way they were before? O.O

Thank you all for reading! I love it that you guys read my story even if there are so many better ones out there. Lol <333