Forbidden: Part One – Chapter 1

Absolutely nothing was going my way today. It wasn’t as if that was anything new, but hiding between a dirty brick wall and a dumpster was a special level of hell. The garbage stench burned my nose and made my eyes water, but at least it masked the scents of the four alphas currently blocking my exit from the alley.

My heartbeat pulsed in my ears so loudly I was worried one of them would somehow hear me and track me down, trapping me here and… I clenched my fists tightly, allowing the biting pain from my fingernails to keep me from descending into a full-blown panic attack. A few years ago, doing something illegal and rebellious would have filled me with the kind of heart-pumping adrenaline that made me feel alive. Now I just wanted to hide away.

One of the alphas started yelling, and I suppressed a whimper.

“How fucking dare that bitch choose another pack?” he snarled.

“She was a total prude. Bet she would be frigid in bed,” another responded.

“Why the fuck do we even let omegas choose packs? They should be grateful alphas like us want to bond with them. They’re all whores,” a third alpha growled.

Despite my fear, I rolled my eyes at their lack of logic. Which was it—were we omegas all whores or prudes? My guess was this pack had just been turned down by an omega who was doing her pre-heat interviews. My stomach clenched with anxiety. I needed to call Sam, needed to make sure that wouldn’t be my fate soon.

The alphas continued to yell drunkenly, spewing unoriginal anti-omega insults at higher and higher decibel levels. The bar, whose dumpster I was currently pressed against, was typically quiet early on a Tuesday night, but these alphas had clearly gotten a head start on their drinking. My inner omega cringed at their rage, and I wedged myself more deeply into the crevice I’d contorted my body into.

My watch told me it was 9:56 p.m., just a few minutes until the nightly omega curfew took effect. Even though the police might not stop and harass me for the next four minutes, the same couldn’t be said for these alphas.

The breeze wafted the stench of mold and stale cigarettes over me, and I froze as my skin burned with phantom touches. I gripped my upper arm, feeling pinpricks of pain that lingered almost a full year later.

My breathing evened out as the alphas moved further away, their voices fading into the distance, but I didn’t feel safe enough to emerge yet. I couldn’t see my destination from my hiding spot, but I knew the gym was there, waiting to embrace me. Even though my nightly journey to the gym was filled with the terror of being caught, the gym itself had become a safe space for me over the past year. Usually, I didn’t arrive until well after midnight to start my cleaning job. The streets were deserted in the early morning hours, most of the government patrollers having cleared the area. But on self-defense class nights, I had to be extra cautious.

A yellow taxi van finally pulled up to the curb, and the asshole alphas piled in. I shivered as I waited to make sure they were really gone. The night air was still warm, summer not yet giving way to fall, but I hadn’t been able to regulate my temperature all day. I finally squeezed myself out of my hiding spot, my bones and muscles protesting the movement. I burrowed more deeply into my oversized sweatshirt as I watched a silver SUV pull out of the alley beside the gym. I was pretty sure that car belonged to Poppy’s alphas. They must have just dropped her off.

My footsteps fell quietly as I made my way across the street, the Alpha Gainz sign drawing me like a beacon to safety. Months after I started working for Luc, when I finally stopped flinching every time he spoke or walked near me, I got up the courage to tease him about his gym name. Why would you put a z at the end? He mumbled something about it being cool and omegas just not getting it. With enough pestering, I finally got him to admit that his bonded omega also thought the name was stupid. I’d never met Charlie, but I loved imagining her rolling her eyes at her alpha’s ridiculous name choice. Or rather, rolling her eyez.

I kept my face downcast as I entered the alley by the gym. I was almost to the stairs that led down to the basement entrance when three enormous alphas turned into the alley from the other end. Fear shot through me, freezing me for a second before I realized they hadn’t seen me yet. They were talking furtively to each other, giving me enough time to execute the least graceful stop, drop, and roll I could imagine, leaping over the crates blocking the entrance and practically falling into the concrete stairwell. Fuck, that hurt. I would be covered in bruises by tomorrow.

I didn’t dare open the basement door while they were so close. I held my breath, curling up behind the crates and praying my de-scenter held. The alphas took painfully slow steps down the alley as they continued their conversation. Don’t mind me, take your sweet, sweet time. Alphas had free rein to move around wherever they wanted, do whatever they wanted, abuse whoever they wanted. I couldn’t let myself think about what would happen if they caught me here.

“He said to come in the main entrance and start using the free weights. A guy wearing a green shirt will come over and do the handoff,” one of the alphas said quietly in a British accent.

“I don’t want to work out again,” another one responded, sounding disgruntled.

“Ben, we’re not here to fucking work out,” a gruff voice bit out.

“How do we even know this hacker is any good? I bet I’m better,” the disgruntled one—Ben—said.

“Shh, do you hear something?” the British one hissed.

The three of them stopped right at the top of the fucking stairs. I held my breath, wishing I could freeze my heart for a moment. A breeze stirred and wafted a warm cinnamon roll scent my way. My inner omega automatically relaxed at the yummy-smelling alphas and I clenched my jaw in irritation. Biology was a bitch—these alphas were not safe, no matter how tempting they smelled. But I had to admit, they did smell unusually good.

“Let’s go,” the gruff one muttered, sounding like he was further away. I caught a glimpse of two other sets of feet turning to follow him.

Once I was sure they weren’t doubling back, I eased open the gym door behind me and slipped in, finally allowing myself a deep exhale.

“Josie!” Poppy squealed as she launched herself towards me, pulling me in for a hug. I stiffened automatically. “You’re usually here early. We were worried about you.”

Poppy pulled away, and I could see genuine concern in her bright blue eyes, her blonde hair haloing her face in angelic curls. Everyone in our small self-defense class was already gathered—Luc, Anna, and Westin were setting mats up on the other side of the room.

“I had to hide from some alphas for a bit, but I’m okay,” I managed to say, proud of how steady my voice sounded. Poppy’s concern made me want to simultaneously burst into tears and run away. I wasn’t used to anyone besides my childhood best friend, Sam, caring about me.

“Glad you made it safely,” Luc grunted as he walked over to us.

Effusive was not a word I would use to describe the grumpy gym owner, but he cared in his own way. He was dressed in his typical all-black uniform (Poppy told him repeatedly that it was boring and he should wear something with more pizazz to attract customers), and his dark brown eyes looked me over to make sure I was okay. The only times I had seen Luc show emotion were on the rare occasions he talked about Charlie. The slightest blush would make its way onto his dark olive skin, and a small smile would tug at his lips as if he couldn’t help but melt when thinking about his omega. It made my heart hurt and reminded me of the fantasies I’d had as a child, wishing that one day a pack of alphas would whisk me away to a better life.

“I wish you and Westin didn’t have to walk here,” Anna said. She was a soft-spoken omega who joined our group a few months ago after Westin invited her. I hadn’t gotten to know her much beyond the fact that she was bonded to five alphas, which seemed like an exhausting number of personalities to juggle.

“Well, it’s not like we’re allowed to drive,” Westin said, her jaw clenching. We all agreed early on that it might draw more attention to our gatherings if Anna or Poppy’s packs picked us up. I was pretty sure Westin’s aunt’s pack drove her most of the time, as she didn’t live within walking distance. “Glad you’re okay, Josie.”

Westin and I were the two unbonded omegas in the group, and I felt a level of solidarity with her. She was twenty-three, just like me, and though we had never talked about using suppressants, I was sure she was on them. She was petite and striking—her long hair almost silver as she put it in a ponytail. It was hard for me to imagine that someone that looked like her could still be unbonded.

Luc paired me with Poppy and started walking through the objectives for today’s class while I stripped off my sweatshirt and set my things down in the corner. I took a sip of water, trying to steady myself as I came down from the adrenaline and fear that had pumped its way through my body.

I walked back over to Poppy and gave her a strained smile, feeling hideous beside her petite frame and luxury workout clothes. Poppy was too sweet to judge me, but I still tugged on my thrifted black tank top, wishing it could magically make my fat rolls disappear. Not for the first time, I wished I had a different body, a different life.

Poppy volunteered to go first, practicing swift, well-executed jabs to the bag I was holding steady. I clenched my jaw as each hit rattled through my too-sensitive body, every twinge a reminder of what was to come if I didn’t get suppressants. I needed to call Sam, but I had run out of minutes on my burner phone. He had probably been trying to get through to me all day, and guilt burned in my stomach like acid at the thought that he was worried about me. I would be able to reload the minutes after I got paid tonight, and I needed him to have good news about my suppressants.

A small voice in the back of my head said I could ask to borrow Poppy’s or Luc’s phone and call him now. But I just couldn’t do it, especially when I thought of how much I already owed them. Poppy had paid for my groceries when I was on the verge of starving, and her alphas connected me to the owner of the gym where they were members, who had just so happened to be looking for a new cleaning person. Luc had immediately given me the job, transforming my life. Later, he let me talk him into hosting this class for omegas.

The punching bag smacked me in the face, bringing me back to the room.

“Ahh, I’m sorry,” Poppy said, stopping the bag from swinging. “You okay?”

“Yup, totally fine,” I said, rubbing my stinging cheek.

“You seem a little out of it today,” Poppy said carefully.

“Sorry, just a bit distracted.”

“Okay,” she said, not sounding fully convinced. “Want to trade spots?”

No, what I want is to curl up in bed with piles of the softest blankets in the world.

“Yep, sure.”

I huffed, adjusting my bra straps and tank top for the hundredth time. Even if I had the money to buy workout clothes that fit properly, it wouldn’t make a difference with how tight my skin felt. The headache I had woken up with lingered, and my muscles were weak as I threw a punch. I knew what my symptoms meant, but I hoped if I ignored them, the problem would magically go away. You know, that classic technique that always works.

“Remember, punch with your body, not just your arm. Josie, try that again and shift your weight into the movement,” Luc called from across the room.

I threw the punch again. The bag barely shifted.

“That was better!” Poppy said.

“You’re a shit liar,” I grumbled.

I threw another unbalanced punch that almost had me landing on my ass. Poppy reached out to steady me, but as her hand wrapped around my arm, I flinched back. Shame flooded me as I took in Poppy’s stricken expression.

“I’m just tired,” I mumbled, averting my eyes.

I was so fucking exhausted of being scared and jumpy all the time. Omegas needed touch to survive, but I could hardly tolerate even the slightest physical contact anymore.

Part of me wanted to confide in Poppy. We had been talking more since she joined our underground class. She was always kind and encouraging, and her presence at the Designation Academy, where we’d met, had been a bright spot during my time there. But I wasn’t the same person I had been back then. Dark memories of betrayal and punishment tried to encroach on my mind, and my whole body tensed. I had placed my trust in the wrong person before. I shouldn’t allow myself to get close to others, but I couldn’t force myself away. I was a little island floating in the middle of the ocean, and my friends had somehow traversed the waves to find me. Floating away was no longer an option.

I took a strained breath and pushed the memories aside, imagining myself stuffing them all into a box and dumping it into the bottom of the ocean. You can’t let yourself go there, can’t let yourself remember.

“Why don’t we take a break? I’m tired today, too,” Poppy suggested sweetly.

I wanted to refuse, to insist I could do the exercises when another wave of dizziness and exhaustion washed over me. I threw her a tight smile, and the two of us sat down on one of the mats by the corner. Westin and Anna were still practicing their punching and blocking. The rhythmic sound of punches landing on the bag almost lulled me to sleep. I shifted my position to keep myself awake.

“You know I’m here if you want to talk about it,” Poppy said after a few minutes had gone by.

“Yeah, thanks,” I managed to get out, my throat tight. In another world, I would have loved to let myself really be friends with her. It was yet another thing the Designation Academy had stolen from me.

I jolted as Luc called for the end of class. I had no idea how much time had passed.

“I’m not sure when the next class will be, but I’ll send out an encrypted message,” he added.

I struggled to get to my feet to gather my things and prepare to start working. I was so absorbed in my worries that I almost missed Anna clearing her throat to speak.

“I have an announcement,” she said, bouncing up and down. “I’m pregnant!”

The room was silent for a moment before Poppy squealed in excitement and ran over to hug her. Westin and I met each other’s gaze across the room with a smile—we had both suspected this was coming soon. Anna had been with her alphas for about a year, and most packs didn’t delay pregnancy for long. One of the few things I knew about Anna was her desire to be a mother. She told us she wanted to learn self-defense so she could better protect herself and any omega daughters she might have one day.

I held myself back from giving Anna a hug but joined the others in gathering around her to offer congratulations. The excitement was infectious, and a smile tugged at my lips, the expression almost foreign on my face.

“Why didn’t you say something before class? You shouldn’t be doing anything strenuous,” Luc growled. The four of us jolted, responding instinctually to an alpha’s displeasure.

Luc pulled a stool out from a dusty corner of the room. “Sit down, sit down,” he exclaimed, guiding Anna onto the stool, to all of our amusement.

“Well, that’s something I didn’t expect,” Westin said dryly, taking in Luc’s harried appearance.

“I am surprised your alphas even let you come to class,” Poppy said, holding in a giggle as Luc ran his hand through his hair with an air of panic. “You know how alphas get around pregnant omegas.”

“They’re making me stop class while I’m pregnant,” Anna said with a pout. “But I convinced them to let me come today so I could tell you all. I wasn’t necessarily supposed to participate, but what are they going to do?”

Luc groaned. “They’re going to fucking kill me.”

“No, they’re not,” Anna said primly. “They’re being ridiculously overprotective, but the perk is that they also don’t want to do anything to upset me.”

I resisted rolling my eyes. I knew Anna was in love with her alphas, but it annoyed me how even the “good” alphas treated omegas as if we were fragile and couldn’t possibly make our own choices.

“I did fight with them to keep coming to class, but they wouldn’t budge. They said there have been more government crackdowns on mixed designation gatherings, and they don’t want to risk me getting arrested. You’ll all be extra careful, right?” she asked, her concern for us shining through.

Dread filled me as the others reassured her we would take extra precautions. Poppy started chattering away about planning a baby shower while the voice in my head chanted all your fault. I had no idea what bravery or idiocy had led me to ask Luc to start a self-defense class, but to my eternal shock, he had agreed. I suspected it was because a group of alphas had attacked Charlie before she met Luc and the rest of Pack Jang. I didn’t know the details of what happened except that she was in a wheelchair. Our classes were the only time I felt alive anymore, the only time I felt even remotely strong or in control of my own life. But if we were found out, I would be the one to blame.

Westin, Anna, and Poppy left in a whirlwind of goodbyes, staggering their exits out the back.

“You seem off today, Josie,” Luc said after the other omegas had cleared out. “If you’re not feeling up to working today, you don’t have to stay.”

“I’m fine,” I said, even though my legs felt like jelly and my head was swimming.

Luc looked unconvinced. He hesitated before saying, “Your scent has changed.”

I froze. No, no, no, it couldn’t be happening so quickly.

“How obvious is it?” I asked quietly.

“Not obvious yet. If I hadn’t spent so much time around you this past year, I wouldn’t have noticed. But I’m guessing it will become pretty obvious soon. How long have you been off suppressants?”

“I’ve only missed two doses.” I hadn’t known how quickly things would move after missing the medication. “I’ll be able to get my normal supply tomorrow, and it will be fine,” I added with a confidence I didn’t feel. I was sure Luc saw through me, but he didn’t push it.

“You come to me if you need help, okay? Maybe my pack can figure out a way to help.”

“Thanks,” I said, touched by his offer, knowing I would never take him up on it. Luc had his own omega to protect, and I was already asking too much of him.

I started cleaning the mats and other equipment Luc brought to the basement for me. I would wait until the gym’s midnight closure before heading upstairs to the main gym. Luc left after locking up and paying me for the night. He slipped some extra money in the envelope, and shame washed over me as I realized I was too desperate to argue with him about it.

Dizziness continued to break over me in waves, forcing me to sit down and hold my head between my legs in between wiping down equipment. The withdrawal from suppressants was so much worse than I could have imagined, and I held in a groan each time I stood back up and the room spun.

I finally finished around 2 a.m. and carefully headed out the back alley door, locking it behind me. It was only a seven-minute walk back to my apartment, but it was my least favorite part of the day, especially since tonight I had to stop at the 24/7 corner shop and add minutes to my phone.

My skin burned under the thick layer of the de-scenter I sprayed on my baggy clothes. I hated spraying the toxin on me so frequently and knew it would eventually affect my health, but it was worth risking it to avoid attention from alphas. My too-fat body, the source of so much of my shame and suffering, also helped disguise me. No one expected a fat omega. But if anyone gave me more than a brief glance, it would become obvious what I was.

My lip trembled. I wasn’t even sure if it was from fear or exhaustion, or both. I just wanted to live a normal life where no one noticed me.

I walked as quickly as I could without looking suspicious. I slipped into the shop and sighed in relief when I saw a female beta working the counter. Some nights it was the owner, a sleazy older alpha who I’m sure suspected my designation. I added the minutes onto my phone, paying in cash and cursing my lack of a bank account before slipping back onto the deserted street.

When my apartment entrance came into view, I forced myself to keep walking instead of breaking out in a sprint. Once I was in the main entrance, I bent over, trying to catch my breath. My muscles screamed in agony after the short walk, my head still pounding. My legs felt like concrete as I dragged myself up the steps to my third-floor apartment. I almost cried in relief as I got to my door. I made my way inside and locked the three deadbolts behind me, each click of the lock telling me I was safe.