Forbidden: Part One – Chapter 23

For the first time since my heat began, I was alone in my nest.

I hated it.

What is wrong with you? You’ve been alone for approximately three minutes. Since when did you become so codependent?

“Shut up,” I groaned at the critical inner voice, a painful cramp gripping me. I didn’t care how unreasonable I was being. I was vulnerable and in pain and I needed my alphas here, dammit.

Cam got an emergency call this morning from one of their employees, resulting in a lot of cursing and grumbling before he reluctantly left to see to the crisis. Ben had cleared the mostly untouched lunch spread he’d prepared and was putting it away in the kitchen. Theo cryptically said he “needed to get something” and left me here. Alone.

My uterus cramped again and I whimpered, curling up in a ball. I knew the suppressants were working, and without them I would likely have ended up in the hospital. But that didn’t do anything to comfort me when my insides felt like they were on fire.

My hand brushed against something soft and I lifted my head to see what it was. It was a folded-up knitted blanket. I shifted so I was propped up against the headboard and unfolded it.

What the hell? It was the ugliest blanket I had ever seen. It looked like it had been knit by a color blind two-year-old. But something about it made me want to curl up with it. It smelled just right and was knitted with a super soft yarn. I rubbed it against my cheek before tucking it around me and curling up in the center of the bed.

The door opened and my heart leapt as Theo walked in. He wore black sweatpants and a soft gray t-shirt that clung to his muscular chest. His rich coffee scent washed over me and the tension drained from my body.

When he didn’t immediately come into the nest, I forced my eyes away from their perusal of his body. Theo was holding something behind his back and shifting side to side, barely meeting my gaze. Were his cheeks flushed?

“I got something for you,” he said, running his hand through his hair.

My omega perked up. “Like a courting gift?”

So far, the guys had given me candles, bath bombs, and the massive, fuzzy blanket I had wrapped around me. Growing up, I had never been given gifts, even when other kids got them on birthdays and holidays. When I was little and asked why I didn’t get presents on my birthday, my parents told me I didn’t deserve gifts just for being born. If I worked to be a better omega, I might be lucky enough to one day have alphas who would give me gifts.

I hated how much I wanted gifts from the guys. I didn’t want to be too needy, too stereotypically omega. Designation traditionalists often talked about how omegas were too easily swayed by gifts, leaving us open to bribery and corruption. That was one of the many reasons we could never serve in leadership positions or hold jobs. There was also the nagging fear in the back of my head that anything my alphas gave me came with strings attached, although more and more, that argument didn’t make sense to me.

“Umm… maybe?” he responded.

I raised my eyebrows, feeling impatient. Slowly, Theo brought his hands in front of him, cheeks flushing further to a dark crimson.

I stared at it. He stared at it. Then we stared at each other.

“You got me… a dildo?” I stammered.

“It’s not just a dildo, technically. It also vibrates and can… um… move.”

Theo looked like he wanted to run from the room, which somehow put me more at ease.

“You want me to use a vibrating dildo?” I stared intently at Theo’s face, refusing to look at what he held for fear of bursting into flames.

“I… I just got it for you in case you wanted to use it. You might already have one. But I just thought, just in case…” He paused and ruffled his hair for the third time in thirty seconds, muttering an embarrassed curse to himself before dropping his hands. If it was possible, his cheeks grew redder. “I can take it back. But you can also take it. I mean, not take it like that. Well, of course you can, that’s what it’s for.” Theo looked hopelessly lost, then his expression morphed into shock as the dildo began to vibrate in his hand.

“Shit!” he flung it away and it landed next to me on the bed, where it kept making a furious buzzing noise. We both watched it for a moment, wearing twin expressions of shock before we burst into laughter.

“Come here,” I said, patting a spot next to me in the nest.

Theo picked up the dildo and turned the vibration off before sitting down stiffly next to me with the dildo in his lap. Unfortunately, it was positioned over his crotch, making it look like he had a huge erection. I covered my mouth but couldn’t stop a giggle from escaping.

“Fuck, I’m terrible at this,” he said, setting the dildo on the nightstand and scooting down into a more relaxed position. He draped his arm over my shoulder and I snuggled into him.

“You’re not terrible at this,” I responded.

He arched an eyebrow.

“Well, maybe you are,” I said with a smile. “But so am I, so that’s okay.”

“It’s not just a random gift,” he said. “I did some research on what can help with suppressant-assisted heats. I know you’ve been in pain all day.” He squeezed me closer. “Apparently, using something like that can help reduce the cramps.”

I pressed my face into his chest as a happy warmth flowed through my body.

“I can’t believe you did that for me,” I said.

“Of course, love. Anything for you.” Theo ran his fingers through my hair, and I wanted to purr. Theo might not be as demonstrative as the other guys, but he was thoughtful and paid attention to the little things.

“Can I see it?” I asked hesitantly.

Theo handed it to me, and I reached out to touch it. Sex toys were strictly forbidden for omegas, and I’d never held one before. I was told from an early age that alphas wanted pure omegas and that sex toys were a fast route to becoming used goods.

“It’s really big,” I said finally, wrapping my fingers around it. I couldn’t imagine it actually fitting inside me. I knew, in theory, that omegas were built to take large penises and knots, but this seemed excessive.

“I wasn’t sure what size to get. There were a lot of options,” Theo mumbled.

I looked over at him and said in what I hoped was a flirty voice, “Did you get it to match your size?”

Theo blushed, but then his face transformed into the cutest smirk I had ever seen. “No, love, this is a size small.”

Wait, was he serious? He was bigger than this? My eyes bored into his crotch as if I would develop x-ray vision and magically see through his pants. He cleared his throat, and I jolted.

“Do you need to see a comparison?”

Now he was the one flirting with me. My face grew hot. My omega was screaming at me to take him up on the offer, to ask him to pull his cock out of his pants and let me run my hands over it to see its size and shape. But what I actually said was, “I’ll take your word for it.”

I put the dildo down on the bed and leaned on his shoulder. I felt more lucid now, but I guessed the cramping would return with a vengeance. Everything inside me ached with need and I felt so empty. The thought of putting it inside me was becoming more appealing. And now I was thinking about what Theo was packing and putting that inside me.

He picked up my hand and started playing with it, tracing his fingers over mine. As the shock of Theo’s present wore off, tendrils of concern snaked through my chest. The guys didn’t have any experience with omegas, so maybe they didn’t understand what would happen if I used a sex toy. I fidgeted with the corner of one of the blankets and tried to gather my thoughts enough to verbalize my concern.

“Theo, won’t this break the inner barrier?”

Theo looked at me with confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, the inner barrier,” lowering my voice. “Would this prevent us from bonding? An alpha needs to break it the first time.”

Theo looked bewildered. “Angel, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Can you explain a bit more?”

My hands felt sweaty. “Omegas have an inner barrier inside us when we’re virgins. When we have sex for the first time, the alpha breaks the barrier. If the barrier is already broken, your bond won’t be as strong when you do have sex with your chosen alphas. If I use the dildo, it will break my barrier, and then if we all decide to bond, it will never be as strong.”

Theo squeezed my hand. “Who told you that?” he asked carefully.

“It was drilled into me by my parents since puberty, and then they taught us all about it in our anatomy class at the DA. Why?” I asked, apprehension creeping into my stomach.

Theo started to say something when Ben burst into the bedroom. “Why was I not invited to the party?” He threw himself onto the bed without a care, then made a face.

“What’s this?” he asked, pulling the dildo out from underneath him with a huge grin.

I groaned and flipped over onto my stomach, burying my face in the blankets. A meteor was more than welcome to hit me any moment now and take me out.

“It’s nothing,” Theo said. Ben didn’t answer, and I could imagine Theo gesturing furiously to get across what was happening. I tried burying myself further into the bed so I could shut the world out.

A tender hand stroked down my spine and a warm, crisp apple scent surrounded me.

“Didn’t mean to make you embarrassed, precious,” Ben murmured as he lay beside me.

The bed shifted as Theo lay down on my other side, sandwiching me between them.

“Is this okay?” he asked, brushing my hair away from my face.

I nodded and opened my eyes to meet his gaze. My face still felt hot.

“We don’t have to continue our conversation, love,” Theo said. His eyes were filled with such tenderness, and it hit me again how caring these alphas were. I could trust them to tell me the truth.

“Was what I said not true?” I whispered, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“What were you two talking about?” Ben asked, his voice gentle as he continued stroking my back in a soothing rhythm.

“Can you tell him?” I asked Theo, knowing I wouldn’t be able to say it again.

“Josie told me she’s been told all her life, including at the DA, that omegas have a barrier inside of their vagina that has to be broken by an alpha or they won’t be able to bond properly.”

Ben’s hand stilled on my back and I waited for him to say something. When the silence stretched on, I shifted my head to look at him. Ben looked confused, his eyes locked with Theo as if they were having a silent conversation. My omega wanted his eyes on me. On instinct, I reached out my hand and gently cupped his face. He leaned into my touch and let out a long exhale.

“I’ve never heard that,” Ben said carefully, bringing his gaze to mine.

“It’s not true, love,” Theo said, kissing the back of my neck.

A sick feeling worked its way through my stomach, chest, and throat, squeezing me until I could barely breathe.

“Oh my god, I’m so stupid,” I sobbed.

“No, don’t say that,” Theo soothed.

“I believed them! My whole life. You must think I’m the most idiotic person you’ve ever met.”

Theo and Ben pressed their bodies tightly to mine, making twin sounds of protest. Being sandwiched between them was the only thing preventing me from having a full panic attack.

“Of course you would believe them,” Theo said. “It’s not your fault. They were the ones in the wrong for lying.”

“I’m sure you’re not the only one who thought they were telling the truth,” Ben said in a hoarse voice.

“If it’s not true, why did they do all those exams?” I choked out, and the sick feeling in my stomach redoubled.

Ben looked at me with concern. “What… exams?”

“Every month, we had to submit to a pelvic exam to check for virginity.”

I tried to block out the memories, but they flooded me and pulled me back to the forced examinations. Those times at the beginning where I had fought them and they had strapped me down to the table. The sadistic doctor who wanted to cause me pain by being rough and inserting multiple fingers inside me without lubrication. Why had I believed what they said? Why had I never questioned it?

Theo let out a strangled sound. “They did what?” His voice had a dangerous edge that sent a thrill of fear through me, and I whimpered.

At the sound, Ben and Theo entangled my legs with theirs and stroked my face, hair, arms… any skin they could touch.

“Not mad at you, love,” Theo said quickly. “They never should have done that to you. Never.”

Their steady breaths and firm hold settled my body, but my mind was racing. What other lies had I believed about myself? About omegas in general? Suddenly, something else dawned on me. Cam had been shocked when I said I’d never masturbated. Did that mean…

“Is… is it…”

Shit. I didn’t know how to get this question out. My face was flaming red, and part of me didn’t even want to know the truth. My omega snarled. We had been told lies about us, about our needs, about alphas. She was pissed.

“You can ask anything,” Theo said. “We’ll never judge, never mock you. Promise.”

I took a deep breath. I still half expected their ridicule, but my need for answers was at the forefront right now.

“What happens if omegas masturbate?” I finally blurted out.

“I’m guessing the answer you’re looking for isn’t ‘they orgasm?’” Ben said, planting tender kisses down my cheek.

“What have you been told?” Theo asked, his tender touch on my hair a contrast to the anger permeating his scent.

“That omegas aren’t allowed to come at all before we bond with alphas and we should never touch ourselves. If we do before we bond with an alpha, we’ll never be able to bond as deeply. And then, once you’re bonded, your alphas are the only ones who can make you come.”

Hearing myself say the words out loud made me realize how absurd it all sounded. Somehow, it seemed so logical and scientific when I was at the DA.

Theo and Ben sat in silence. Well, I guess that’s my answer.

“Why would they lie about that? Just so they had another excuse to punish us?”

Anger flared in my chest. I had been invaded, punished, and controlled by alphas who got off on my subjugation, and now others knew more about my body than I did.

“What punishment?” Ben choked out.

Flashes of memory assaulted me again. I didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to remember. But part of me wanted to share. I didn’t want to keep the DA’s secrets anymore.

“If they found out an omega had, you know, they would burn her fingertips. Every morning, we had to line up for inspection to make sure we were following all the rules. They said they could smell it on us, but we also suspected they had cameras everywhere. If they caught someone, they would burn her in front of us.”

Ben growled, grasping my hand and flipping it over to examine my fingertips.

“They never because I never…” I mumbled.

I was ashamed of how thoroughly the DA stamped out my rebellious tendencies. Where was the omega who talked Sam into teaching her how to drive and stayed out all night hurtling down back roads? Where was the omega who pulled pranks on teachers growing up? I felt her loss so profoundly. Tears gathered in my eyes.

Ben tenderly kissed each finger and then planted a kiss on my palm.

“I hate them,” I said.

“Us, too, precious,” Ben murmured.

The two of them kept stroking and kissing me, murmuring sweet, soothing words as I tried to detangle my emotions. My eyelids fluttered closed, heavy with exhaustion as my alphas’ scents swirled around me. Before I fell asleep, my anger and sadness gave way to determination—determination that I wanted to reclaim some pieces of myself that the DA took and embrace what Ben and Theo were offering me.