Chapter 19: Midterms (Part 3)

Ryan

Jacky was out of the room before Ryan could even put together words. He took a couple of steps toward the open door, then stopped himself and sat down in the now-empty desk chair. He needed a moment to think without reacting to Jacky's negative self-talk.

The name Braedyn sounded familiar. He might have been that one quiet kid who had come to Somerville along with Jacky, Billy, and Liliana. Ryan had barely noticed him, and there had been no chemistry between him and Jacky. If that was the case, Ryan wasn't too worried about another guy in the picture. Jacky sounded like he regretted the hookup, and what did hookup even mean?

Unbidden, Marina's voice came to him, saying things she had never said in real life: You are allowed to ask questions, and you don't have to like the answers. The point is that he needs to answer and be honest with you.

Then Monica's voice entered the group chat: You and Jacky have a connection. And both of you explored while that connection was broken. There's nothing wrong with that.

Ryan had dated Charlie. They had gone on actual dates and had real feelings and kissed. Ryan wasn't exactly in a position to judge Jacky for anything.

He broke up with you, Marina reminded him. Don't let his low self-esteem make you forget that he's an adult who has made decisions that affect you, and he can take responsibility for them.

When Jacky returned with the pizza – which smelled distractingly amazing – Jacky didn't make eye contact. Ryan quietly closed the door behind him and locked it, then approached Jacky's back. The tenseness in Jacky's shoulders made him want to wrap his arms around him.

"Here." Jacky thrust a slice of pepperoni pizza on a paper plate into Ryan's hands.

"Thanks." Ryan stepped away so he wouldn't be tempted to touch Jacky. He looked around and decided to kick off his shoes and sit on the floor. After a moment, Jacky joined him, sitting cross-legged. Jacky still hadn't looked at him. Quietly Ryan said, "Can I ask you some questions?"

"Go for it." Jacky's voice was bitter.

"Is Braedyn that guy who came to my apartment with you all?"

Jacky sagged. "Yeah."

"And when you say you 'hooked up,' what does that mean?"

Putting his pizza aside, Jacky rested an elbow on his knee and sank his face into his hand. But then he said, "He gave me a blow job."

Ryan blinked at that. It wasn't quite what he had expected, even though he hadn't really known what to expect. "Oh."

"It was random and... not really what I wanted," Jacky continued. "We'd been hanging out for a while and I thought he might like me but I wasn't sure and then... that just happened. It was so weird."

"Wait." Ryan shook his head slightly. "He just randomly went down on you?"

"We were going to watch a movie and then I turned around and he kissed me and then..."

It took Ryan a few moments to process. He finished off his first piece of pizza and reached for a second. "So, then what happened?"

Jacky flapped his hand a little, like he could make himself speak by the motion. Then he wiped his eyes. "Nothing. He acted like nothing happened."

Ryan stopped with his pizza halfway to his mouth. "Seriously?"

"Yeah!" Jacky looked at him, finally. "That's weird, right?"

All of Jacky's words before now made sense. "It's pretty fucked up, yeah."

"Billy says he's just super deep in the closet. I mean, you were in the closet when we met, but it wasn't like that."

Ryan took a bite and chewed it thoughtfully. "Have you talked to him about it?"

Blanching, Jacky said, "No." He picked up his plate, balanced it on his knee, then lifted his pizza for a first bite. "And now he and Billy are in this weird thing, so clearly he was only trying to get something out of his system."

"Maybe he was trying to figure out if he was gay or not."

"Then why would he have done that with me? Billy's way more gay than I am."

Their eyes met then. "I think you're very gay," Ryan said, grinning, and Jacky's eyes crinkled as he smiled.

"I think dating in college is just weird." Ryan put aside his plate and wiped his fingers on a napkin. "Like, people are more likely to hook up before deciding to date."

"Yeah?" Jacky asked.

Ryan shrugged. "I don't have a whole lot of experience. I've just watched other people. There's a lot of hooking up."

"What happened with you and Charlie?" Jacky immediately ducked his head. "Sorry. I don't want to bring him up."

"Them," Ryan said. "Charlie's nonbinary."

Jacky squinted a little. "Really? Huh." He glanced at Ryan. "Maybe you're more gay than me."

"I doubt it."

That smile again. Ryan loved that smile.

"Anyway, Charlie was rebounding, I was rebounding – we just started talking and they spent a lot of time at the apartment anyway, because they're best friends with Harper, and it all just felt familiar, you know? But not familiar."

Jacky winced.

Jacky

"I'm sorry," Jacky mumbled. He picked at the pepperoni on his pizza.

"I'm sorry, too," Ryan said. "I wish there had been a way to convince you that college wasn't going to change us."

"I don't think you could have. I'm just a mess, and I guess I always will be."

For a while they sat and ate pizza, with the din of music coming from beyond the room and another episode of "Seinfeld" coming on. In a way it felt companionable, but it wasn't what Jacky was hoping. He had no idea where Ryan's head was at in regards to their relationship.

"I don't think Billy would mind if you slept in his bed tonight," Jacky said during a commercial break. His butt hurt from sitting on the floor, so he stood up and started picking up the paper plates. "He hardly ever sleeps here."

Jacky turned and nearly walked into Ryan's chest. Ryan's arms wrapped around him. Into Jacky's hair Ryan said, "I didn't drive five hours to not sleep with you."

He couldn't breathe, and it wasn't because of this hug. "Sorry, I thought... I didn't think you wanted..."

"Jacky," Ryan whispered. His arms let go, only to wrap around the sides of Jacky's face. Jacky steeled himself for whatever Ryan was going to say. "I want us to be together. I don't care if you hooked up with some random guy one time in the two months we were broken up. The only thing I need to know is, will us being together make you happy?"

"Of course," Jacky said, pressing himself against Ryan. But almost immediately he pulled back a little. "It's just..." He took a deep breath. "I knew I couldn't get into the same schools as you. And I didn't want to hold you back. I didn't want you to go to some shitty state school just because I'm not smart enough to get into Tufts."

"State schools aren't shitty," Ryan said.

Jacky just gave him a look. "You deserve a great college, and to be an awesome doctor who cures cancer. And..." He couldn't look at Ryan for the next part. "And you deserve a boyfriend who's just as awesome as you are."

"You don't think you're awesome?"

All he had to do was shrug his shoulder, the one with the empty sleeve attached to it. "You could find someone who doesn't have several tons of emotional baggage. Someone who doesn't need to wear a t-shirt at the beach because they're self-conscious about their body. Someone who knows what they want out of life and doesn't break up with their awesome boyfriend because they don't feel like they're good enough."