33. Heart to hearts, denials and heartaches

My heart feels like a thousand pounds of unwanted muscles when I see you with someone else. ~ Logan

~~~

33. Heart to hearts, denials and heartaches

(Logan)

"He is everywhere. Wherever I turn, he is right there, with his stupid toothpaste commercial smile and his stupid dolphins. And Alex is eating out of his oily hands."

"Dolphins are cute." Daniel said as he sat in the table with the streusel Loaf Alex had taken time to pack for him.

"That is mine." Logan grabbed the box of Streusel Loaf and put it aside. "Of course, dolphins are cute. But he is not."

"You were friendly with Chad before, you even liked him. So? I know what changed now. It is Alex."

"No. It is not. And he keeps talking about dolphins and whales and his expedition and Camille is starstruck. But at least Camille is ten. Alex, she looks just as starstruck and it is irritating. First Leo and now this guy. She is so-"

"Man, are you listening to yourself right now?"

"I can hear myself, alright." Logan grumbled as he scowled at his friend.

"Hear, yes, but are you understanding what you are saying? You look so green, Logan."

"Don't start this again. I already had this lecture from Tom and I am tired." Logan rubbed his pounding head. It was torture, listening to people telling him how stupid he was being.

He wasn't stupid. He hadn't been, since his biological mother. He had stopped being stupid. He had learnt to be on his own, to do things in an order and to be versatile, persuasive. He had reached his goal, not by being stupid, but by being extremely smart. And it was maddening to listen to people telling over and over how stupid he was.

"I am sorry, but I really don't know how to make you understand your own feelings. You have to stop being so dense, dude. You need to come to your freaking senses before it is too late. You can't do anything if Alex has already moved on." Daniel said with a frown.

I don't care.

Oh, don't you? You think you can lie to yourself? Do you think the lie will start to sound like truth if you said it over and over again?

"Looks like she has already moved on." Logan grunted as he stared at the apple almond Streusel loaf cake in front of him. It was coated with thick layers of Almonds and pistachios and just thinking about it made his mouth water. The honey brown tinged loaf smelled like roasted almond and the touch of the aroma of cinnamon made him sigh in pleasure. And the taste, oh the taste. Everything Alex made always tasted like sin, but this one was beyond anything.

But still... he hated the fact that Chad had helped Alex with that, that he had laughed with her as she waited for it to be done, that he had helped her cut the almonds and pistachios, that he had seen her with flour on her nose and smile on her lips... It was torture. Pure and simple.

Can you smell that along with cinnamon? That burning smell? Not from the cake. It was that pestering voice. He needed no one else to tell him how stupid he was. This voice was enough.

"Are you going to keep staring at it or eat? If you don't want it, I am happy to take it out of your hand." Daniel said with a smirk.

"You are no help. Why are you here? To goad me into doing something stupid? Something I would regret later?" Logan said as he closed the box with a thud.

"No, I am here to talk some sense into your stupid brain, so that you won't regret anything later."

"Shut up and watch the damn movie, okay."

"Logan, dude, I really, really want to kick you until you can see straight. But since you are my friend, I won't do anything like that. But when time comes, I will say I told you so." Daniel said with a glare at him, before he walked out and banged around and after a while Logan walked out.

"You won't need to say 'I told you so', okay?" He said as he slouched down the couch.

"We will see."

*

**

... (Two days later)

(Logan)

Logan stopped the car in his Parents' small driveway exactly at one, like clockwork. But something felt strange. The place looked silent. Moody.

Andy and Brian weren't running around with Bruno. Bruno wasn't bounding all the way towards him and colliding against him.

Everyone looked like they were doing something else. He felt like an unwelcomed guest as he knocked on the door. His dad opened the door and waved him in.

"Logan, uhm, you-come on in."

It looked like his dad was nervous or something. Logan frowned as he took his dad in. He looked agitated, but more than that, he looked really, really nervous.

"Is everything okay, dad?" Logan asked as he looked at him, his chubby and wizened old face. His dad shifted on his feet before he nodded with a grunt.

"Come on in, it is just- I want to warn you. Alex is here, and so- and El and Em said you are having a break or whatever, but Logan, do you think this is- I mean, she is your wife and you two were perfect and Beth said you two were going through a rough patch, but she is a nice girl, Alex is and you two deserve a nice life and giving it all up-" His dad went on without a pause, his words coming over each other, as if he was afraid that Logan would cut in.

He did.

"Dad, stop. Take a deep breath, and don't worry about it." Logan said.

"How can I not worry? You are my son and I want you to be happy. Always. After your mother-I mean-"

"Dad, Beth is my mom, so... And I am happy. Even if we get divorced, I will be happy." Logan said, feeling like the biggest liar. He couldn't imagine a life where he lived without hearing her laugh. Couldn't imagine it without her making fun of him. Or bantering back with him.

His dad shook his head with a frown. "No, you won't be, you won't be, Logan." He looked was. "I know you. I can- she made you happy, and you had never been that happy before, before Alex. She is- how can I say it, she is your Beth. After Barbara, I thought love is for fools, love is painful and selfish and cruel, but Beth made me see it isn't. And you, you boy, you were always about money and goals and big dreams. It is not wrong, dreaming big, but you were only about that. So mechanical. And everyone saw that.

"Of course, you are the best son anyone could have asked for. You loved us, your family, and Daniel, but other than that, you had nothing in your life. Emma and El have their own family and the kids and you were so alone and I was worried and then one day you came in with Alexandra and I can finally stop worrying about you. Finally believe that your moth-Barbara hadn't completely wrecked you. You were only four, but you had been a smart and intelligent boy even then and I-"

"Dad, stop, okay. I am fine. We are fine. That is the only thing that matters, okay? Nothing else is." Logan shook his head.

"She matters, too, Logan. She matters so much to you, but you are denying yourself of that happiness and I want to know why?"

"I am happy, dad, I am happy, so-"

"Okay. If you are happy." His dad shrugged as he waved him in. "Go on, and be happy. That is all I want."

Logan walked in, determined to prove to himself and his dad that he was happy, that Alex wouldn't be a factor that affected his happiness, but the moment he saw her, helping his mom in the kitchen, the smile he tried so hard to put on his lips felt like a bitter medicine. He swallowed as he turned away and came face to face with his dad.

His dad gave him a small smile before he shook his head and walked away.

"Get me the butter, Andy. And Brian, cut the spring onion like I taught you." Alex was ordering his nephews and his sisters were sitting in the table sipping on orange juices and his mother was bent down the stove, stirring a pot and Alex belonged. Even without him, she belonged in his family.

"Eliza, please stop sipping on your juice and come cut these carrots, please." Alex glared at his sister and she shrugged.

"Hey Logan, don't just stand there. Come here and cut these carrots." Eliza said as she noticed him standing there, staring. "Here, Alex, you can use Logan. I am too tired to move my body."

"Hey, when did you come? Didn't see you there." Alex smiled at him as she pointed to the carrots next to Eliza. "If you can move your body, cut those carrots. They won't cut themselves."

"I can move my body, Alex, and I will cut it for you." Chad said with a wink and Alex threw a lettuce at him and he caught it before flexing his arms.

"Show off." Alex grinned.

"That is a perfect catch, Alexandra Annie Steele." Chad said before he grabbed a cutting plate. "If you want to throw the knife-"

"I don't want to kill you." Alex said with a smirk. "Though sometimes I do want to."

And Logan seethed as he saw them talking to each other like they had known for a decade and some-- like, like how she talked with Logan when they first met.

"But she asked me to cut the carrots, you know." His voice came out all whiny. Logan almost wanted to body block the guy as he reached for the carrots.

"Oh, if it is all the same, you can cut these potatoes." His mom said with a twinkling smile on her face. It looked to him like she was secretly enjoying something.

"Sure." He grumbled as he started cutting the potatoes.

"I am done, Alex. Do you want me to do something else?" Chad said as he handed the carrots to Alex and he stood too close to her as he watched her mixing vegetables like it was the most interesting thing on the world.

"What is that? Ssh, go and bother someone else." Alex chuckled as she pushed him away and he pretended to stumble and fall and she laughed, laughed like she was really happy and the laugh was so distracting for Logan, that he cut his fingers instead and hissed. "Shit, shit." He groaned as he watched the potatoes turning red.

Alex turned to look at him and winced. He was almost sure that she would come to his aid, but she waved at Emma, looking nonchalant. "Take care of that and put a band aid or something." She said before she turned back to Chad.

Logan's ears were filled with static, loud, loud static and he felt his head spinning as he stared at them. Alex and Chad. She continued to toss the vegetables in the bowl, as carefully as she had once cleaned his wounds.

He remembered that day when he had cut his finger with the broken glass vase and how concerned she was. Now she didn't even have time to look twice at him.

She doesn't even care. He thought. How the hell can she change just like that?"

He saw her saying something to Chad, but he couldn't hear what it was. Chad shook his head and pressed his hand against hers.

Logan stood up from the chair and walked away, too furious to sit in a place. Too furious to watch them be happy, without him.

Emma found him pacing along the Hall and she asked him to sit.

"Just give me a band aid. I can do it by myself. I am not a kid."

"Oh, just sit. I can do it." Emma said as she stared at him. "Sit, now."

He sulked as he sat down.

"And you do look like a sulky little kid, Logan. What is the matter?"

"Nothing." He grunted.

"If you say so." Emma said as she wiped the blood and put the band aid on. "Do you want me to kiss it better?" She smirked, and Logan jerked up.

Alex had exactly asked that and she had kissed it, as well, and it really made him feel better.

And now she doesn't even have the time to-

It is not like you are dying. The voice said and he shook his head as he walked out the backyard. He needed to be alone, to collect himself. His thoughts.

Because when he said to his dad that he was fine, that he was alright, he really meant it, but then he had seen Alex looking so perfect and he had doubts about his claims, his words.

She is made of chaos. She made me into a big bundle of chaos. He thought as he watched Bruno chasing a butterfly. Bruno could never catch it, but still he chased. And chased. Every day.

"Hey dude, you okay?" It was Chad. Logan gave him a big smile.

"Yeah, it is just a cut."

"Cool, so can I ask you something?"

"Go on."

"Are you over Alex? Of course, she said the divorce is going to be amicable and all, but I just want to-"

"Why do you want to ask that?" Logan asked with the same fake smile stretched along his hurting lips.

"You would be cool if I ask her out, right? I mean, not now, of course, but after the divorce. It won't be weird or anything for you, right?" He asked with a smile. "Eliza said it is actually between me and Alex and all that, but I just want to make sure you are cool with it, dude."

"Oh, I am very cool with it, but I don't think Alex will say yes, I mean-"

Chad cut him off with a chuckle. "Oh, don't worry about that. I can be very charming and persuasive if I want to be. And I really want to ask her out, so I will try my best to charm her socks off or whatever."

"Yeah, whatever." Logan grunted as he saw Chad walking back inside.

He wanted to walk away. This didn't feel like his place. It almost felt so strange, so alien, like he was transported to an alternative universe or something.

And he hated it. He hated her.

Nah. You don't hate her, dumbhead.

**

(Alexandra)

"Em, is he alright?" Alex asked as she watched Emma walking in with a frown. "How is his fing-"

"Alex, stop. He is fine. It is just a little cut. He is fine and back to his brooding self."

Emma said. Alex was already regretting ever listening to these two women. They were not good for health, just as their brother.

"I almost feel sorry for him. You know, he was watching you and Chad and there was this little frown on his lips and didn't see he is actually cutting his finger. Poor guy." Eliza said with a smirk.

"El, this isn't funny. I don't- he is hurt and- I think we should stop this madness. If he doesn't love me, he doesn't and I- I feel like this is going way overboard. Don't you think? I don't like this feeling."

"And so? What? Go on? I would love to hear your awesome ideas? Running away? Or going back to being friends with benefits or whatever the hell he asks you to be?" Eliza said.

Alex just wanted a moment of peace. Away from this madness.

"I didn't say that, but lying to him like this, it is not very- I feel guilty and it feels so wrong. I don't want to force him to love me. I feel like-"

"Oh, you lied to us, remember?" Emma said and Alex shook her head.

"Because Logan-"

"Alexandra, you are a very nice woman, but you don't know half of anything about love or men before all this. You were like this baby bird who can't fly. So please, don't worry about Logan. We are doing all this because we care about him, because we are worried about him. A little blood is okay, along the way." Eliza said as she set the table.

But still Alex was not very convinced or confident about it.

"Where is Chad?" Alex asked as she looked around.

"With Logan." Emma said.

"What is he doing with Logan?"

"Asking Logan's permission to hold your hand or whatever." Eliza winked and Alex's felt her stomach sink. God. This was- everything made her feel like she was making a big mistake and-

"I almost feel like Logan is going to punch Chad in the nose or something. He keeps glaring at Chad and -" Alex muttered.

"Because he is jealous, Alex, and that means our plan is working, but we need to amp it up a bit." Eliza cheered.

"God, he looked like he is going to murder me or something. I am still shaking." Chad said as he came to stand next to her. "The things I do for you three. If he broke me, I am blaming you three. I think we should put a stop to-"

"You know, all those times I have fed you without expecting anything back in return, the time I took care of you when you were sick with stomach flu and you brother refused to go anywhere near you and that time when I found out that your college girlfriend was a no good-" Eliza counted her fingers.

"God, this woman is so cruel. Okay, I owe you for all those times. You win. Even if he kills me, we are not stopping this." Chad said with a scowl.

"Now, you need to go to him, Alex."

"Why?" Alex scrunched her brows as she looked at Eliza and Emma.

"God, you are not a kid. Do something that makes him angry. Do something that makes him snap. He is already stretched thin, so... We can't continue this for a year and some. Chad is leaving in a month. And we only have a month. You two are the worst pair of -"

"Stop, Eliza. Stop. I am going." Alex said as she walked out.

Her heart thundered when she watched Logan throwing a ball to Bruno. She waited for a while, just taking him in. All of him. It felt like so long since she had seen him and yet it had only been two days since she had last seen him.

God, I miss him. I miss kissing him and touching him. Most of all, I miss just talking with him.

"Hey, Logan." She touched his shoulder and he looked startled before his eyes went cold as he saw her.

It is because he is jealous. It is not because he hates me. She told to herself as she gave him a cheerful smile.

"How is your finger?" She asked as she pointed to it.

"Why do you care?" He snapped at her.

"Of course, I care. You are my friend."

It looked like he wanted to punch her as she said that. His knuckles turned white and his jaws went rigid.

Oh, he deserves it. How he made me hate that one word. Friend. I am just feeding him his own nonsense. She thought as she gave him a shimmery smile.

"The hell you care. You stood there talking with him when I cut my fingers." His voice was hoarse and God, no one can guilt trip you like Logan could. "You didn't even move-"

"I asked Emma to help you." Alex said with a frown.

Jealousy! She actually had a doubt when Emma and Eliza said that this plan would work. But it feels like it is already working.

She grabbed his hand and looked at the finger with a nod. "Looks like Emma has done such a good job. So? Why are you complaining?" Alex shrunk her nose and he shook his head.

"I am not complaining."

"Are you sure? You look grumpy. Do you want to tell me something? If you want to say something, please, do it clearly so that I can understand, okay? Don't do it in puzzles and riddles." She said as she let his hand go.

"Oh, alright. I want to tell you to stay away from Chad."

"Why in the hell would I do that? And why in the hell would you tell me that? I am not your wife or whatever I was before."

"Our contract isn't over yet." He said, looking sulky and brooding. His grey eyes held a coming storm.

"This again, Logan? You are a very frustrating man. I don't want to go into details again, but the contract is DONE. Okay? It is over."

"And? So you will go and kiss-" He looked down, and his eyes looked apologetic. "I am sorry."

"It is fine. And so I will go and kiss anyone I want to kiss and you have no say in that. Get it, Logan?"

"Oh, alright." He said as he grabbed her by her arms.

Her body wanted to melt into him and give in. It was such a shameless body. It had no self-respect whatsoever.

She refused to give in, though. At least her brains had some semblance of self-respect.

She looked straight in his eyes, challenging him to do what he was about to do. It looked like he accepted the challenge, because...

He bent down and kissed her on her yearning lips and her whole body started throbbing with desire. She wanted to stay right there, but I can not. I can't do this to myself again. Not until he comes to his senses.

She pushed him away and he stumbled back. His eyes were wide as he looked at her, shock written across his face.

"We are only friends. We can only ever be friends. No more this. No more friends with benefits and other shits, because Logan, I am not going back to that." She said and he nodded.

"Sorry, I- I didn't mean-"

"You didn't mean to hurt me, you didn't mean to kiss me. Like I said, you never mean anything Logan. You didn't mean it when you said that you will be my friend, my friend even when I find my happiness with some other guy."

"Do you think Chad is your-"

"I don't know about that, but I know you are not my happiness. So keep your lips to yourself." She walked away.

___

Me: Logan, you idiot, why are you torturing her?

Logan: She is the one who is torturing me!

Me: I really love you Logan, we all do, but you are becoming an asshole bully with each passing day. Check yourself.

Logan: Go away. You are not helping it.

Daniel: What did I tell you? I told you not to do anything stupid.

Logan: I didn't plan to kiss her. I just looked at her and I -

Daniel: Sweet God. I am tired of this. It is not even my love problems.

Me: I am tired, as well. Of this guy! *walking 🚶away*

Logan is such a dumbass, isn't he? Pour your thoughts 💭 in comments💬

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