36. Friends in need and the exes you don't need

You. Me. Us and then Nothing. Sometimes I can only think about the unfairness of it all. But then, that is life. Isn't it? ~ Alexandra.

~~~

36. Friends in need and the exes you don't need

(Alexandra)

After Alexandra ate whatever Leo had placed in front of her, she could finally sense a little bit of feelings returning to her numb body. But her heart, it still felt kinda void. Like there was only a hole in the place where it previously was.

And she didn't enjoy that feeling. Like something was gone. Like a part of herself was broken and permanently gone. She didn't like to be only half of who she was. That wasn't her better part.

How could she have let this happen to herself?

I can, I can make myself whole again. Even without Logan. Even if he is a part of me, I can become whole without him.

She avowed to herself as she wore the pajama Leo had picked out for her and walked to the dining room with a determined step. She would not back down or back out. She could face all of this like a big, brave girl.

Of course, this was hurtful, but she knew who she was before Logan and of course, after him --she had to thank Logan for that, again, because he made her everything she could have ever become, he made it possible for her to find her true potential -- and she could survive it, survive losing Logan.

"Here, drink this." Leo handed her a mug filled with hot chocolate and she accepted it with a small smile as she sat down.

"Thanks. I am sorry to -"

"It is fine. You okay?"

"I don't know what I am. I just feel like everything is tilting and my head is spinning. I have nowhere else to go. But this doesn't mean-"

"I know, Alex. I know. So don't worry about what I think about this. This is one friend comforting another and nothing else. Okay?" He gave a comforting smile as she took a gulp of the rich hot chocolate. It was warm and everything she needed at this moment. So was he.

"Okay." She nodded.

"Come on, stop moping. It is not you. Do you want to watch a movie?" He asked with a cheerful smile on his face. She knew he was trying to pull her out of this morose pit, but it didn't work. She couldn't muster enough strength to even smile properly.

"I just want to sleep." She said feeble.

"Okay then. Go on and sleep it off. Maybe you should have the room facing the lake. That is your favorite view." He said as he grabbed the mug from her hands. "Alex, it will be alright, and I am not telling it to comfort you. I don't know what is going on with you two --I really hope it is not me who messed-"

"Don't worry, it is not you." She assured.

"If anyone can survive all of it, it will be you. Okay? You are strong and you are You."

"Can I just-" She stood up and hesitated. She wouldn't have hesitated before that kiss. It looked like he knew that as well. He gave her a shrug and opened his arms. Wide. Welcoming.

"We will forget all that." He said with a nod.

She readily took the next step and buried herself in his embrace. His arms came around her, like a safety net and she felt comforted. Felt good.

But it didn't come anywhere closer to how she would always feel in Logan's embrace.

That is my curse. She thought with a frown. Logan, Logan, damn Logan. He is like a plague.

"If you want to cry- I won't laugh." He chuckled and she could feel the vibration of his heart in her cheeks. She nodded her head and looked up.

"Nah, I am all out of tears." She pulled away and gave him a pout and he shook his head.

"If you want to talk about it, I am here. Okay. No judgements, no nothing. I will be just here to hear you out."

"Thanks, Leo." She said as she walked to the room she had decorated just recently for Mathilda.

It was all warm, comforting and blue. She felt like she was swimming in the dept of a cool ocean when she walked in. The tall canopy bed with blue blanket looked like sin, looked welcoming. The drapes she had chosen with Leo danced in the wind, showing off the misty window panes, and the distant lake shimmering under the moon light.

She opened the window and she could immediately smell the scent of the flowers that ensnared the walls of the mansion. She inhaled the cool air dampened with mist and scented with the perfumes of blooming buds and closed her eyes with a prayer on her heart.

"I can be strong." She whispered to the air. "I can forgive myself for doing this to me. I can forgive Logan, as well."

The trees rustled as if they heard her. She closed the windows and went back to the bed. When she noticed one of her favorite classical novels laid out on the mahogany bedside table, her lips pulled up in a small smile. But it was a smile.

This was why she could never hate Leo, why she couldn't stop being his friend. His thoughtfulness.

She took Gone With The Wind and laid back in the bed. She knew she wasn't going to sleep, so she was ready to finish the book, all over again.

While she was engrossed in the book, Leo knocked. She frowned as she put the book down and stood up.

"Yes?"

"I am sorry, but Logan is calling. Do you want me to-"

"Don't pick up." She said as she opened the door.

"I tried that for the last two times. He is persistent if anything. And I don't think he is going to stop if I didn't pick up."

"Oh yeah, I know all about his persistence." She said with a frown as she plucked Leo's phone from his hand and switched it off. "There. All done."

"Now I don't know what I should do if he decides to come all the way here."

"Just tell me I died or something."

"What the hell are you-"

"Leo, listen. I don't have the strength or patience to think about what Logan is thinking or what he is going to do. I am angry at myself for thinking about him way longer than it is necessary for me. So, now leave me to my book. Okay? I need some peace."

"Okay. If he did come, I will lie that you aren't here."

"Good, good. Good night to you."

"Now what do I say to that? Bad night to you?" He said and she chuckled.

"You shouldn't have said anything, stupid. Now, go away. Shoo." She said as she slammed the door and slumped down on the bed.

Logan, why won't you just leave me alone for once? Why do you keep pulling me after you push me away?

If only Logan wasn't a dumb asshole, he would have known why he did that. But then he was the dumbest when it came to the matter of hearts and he would never know that and Alex would forever keep wondering.

But I don't have the strength to keep wondering. She thought.

"Then for God's sake, don't." She said loudly, to her dumb heart, as she pulled the book back up.

(Logan)

(... After a week)

Logan hadn't slept, not much in the past week since Alex had left.

He had spent the first night calling everyone he could think of that Alex might have called to say where she had gone to. He even called her best friend Stella who was very angry with him, of course, before she hung up on him.

Then she called him again to scream at him all over again, after Alex hadn't picked up her call.

He even decided to call Leo Shine, but the guy didn't pick up for two times and then his phone was switched off and that had made Logan really suspicious. What if she had gone to Leo?!

He was almost ready to drive to Leo's apartment, but then Leo called back and told that he was busy with something and asked what Logan had wanted. Logan had hung up.

Now a week later, here he was. He still didn't know where Alex was and he was going insane, to put it mildly. He couldn't think, he couldn't do, he couldn't be.

This looming house looked monstrously alone and huge without her. It looked large, empty and bewildering. It looked like a stranger, like a shell of what it had been, without Alex's presence. So was he, if he was honest with himself.

Alex, Alex, damn Alex. I should just stop thinking about her. He thought as he walked to the kitchen with a yawn. Even when he felt like he would swoon any moment now, he couldn't sleep. Not at all. He kept turning and thrashing all through the nights.

Logan rubbed his burning eyes as he poured a tall mug of coffee for himself. He needed that. This large dose of caffeine to pull him through what would be an equally tiring day to match the restless nights.

As if Daniel could hear his mental scream, he walked in, whistling, and he had a thick envelope in his hands.

"Stop whistling." Logan grunted. These days he was mostly grunting or grumbling.

"Cranky much." Daniel said as he waved the thick brown manila envelope. "This came for you."

"What in the world is that?" Logan stared at the thing with suspicion.

"I don't know. Do you want me to call the bomb squad or something. I mean, there are people who want to bomb your stupid head. So?"

"Haha. Hilarious. Give that to me and stop being a headache. I already have a massive one."

"You have a massive headache in your massive head, huh?" Daniel laughed at his own stupid joke. Logan gritted his teeth as he opened the envelope and he blinked.

He couldn't believe his eyes.

"What is that?" Daniel's voice felt like a background noise to Logan.

Logan's heart thundered. His breathing hitched as he read it again. And again.

Shit... She can't...

It was panic. For a moment he didn't know what to do. And then there was only urgency to undo it. Undo everything.

You deserve this.

His tongue tasted bitter as he stared at the words that twisted and turned like a noose around his neck and he couldn't breathe.

It was so hard, so hard to do the thing his body would normally do without any extra effort. Breathe.

There was not enough oxygen in the world that could make him breathe. Not right now.

"What is that?"

Logan stared blankly at his friend. He could not understand what he had asked. Everything and everyone was incomprehensible. Utterly ridiculous puzzles that Logan couldn't solve even if he spent a lifetime.

You are not going to solve it but staring at it.

"My divorce papers." He said weakly and Daniel nodded as if it made sense. It didn't make any sense, not to Logan.

After weakness and hurt, came the usual bout of anger. His downfall.

"A week. She disappeared for a week without a trace and now she is sending me this bullshit." Logan grinded his teeth together. "What the hell is she thinking?" He said as he threw the documents down. They settled on the table --her table-- with a soft thud.

"This is coming for a long time, since your contract. Just sign it and let us all be done with this melodrama. It has been a lot for my blood pressure. I have to stay happy and calm, doctor's order."

"I am not in the mood to talk about your freaking BP." Logan said as he scowled at his best friend.

"You are never in the mood to talk about anyone else other than you." Daniel said as he shook his hands. "Okay, but we are going to talk about Alex, now. And what Eliza told you that day at Ethan's party."

"Eliza was being a big pain in my ass. Like every other time. That is inconsequential."

"It is not. Have you ever wondered if that might be the case? That you can't love because you are Barba-"

"Shut up."

You have wondered that, haven't you? You have always wondered that.

He could say shut up to his friend, but how could he say the same to his conscience.

Of course. Since that party and the fateful night, Logan couldn't stop thinking about what Eliza had said to him --but really, he had been thinking about it for a long, long time even before El-- and he wondered if what she said was true. If he was as selfish and cold like she had told him.

He told himself he wasn't, but there was that voice in him, that always, always talked back. Told him that maybe he was incapable of love, incapacitated to love, because he was exactly like Barbara.

But how could it be true? How could he become someone he truly, really hated? How could he let her affect his life, his mind again, after all this time?

He didn't have any answers. Logan, the one, who always, almost had a solution to every problem, an answer to every question was befuddled and confused. There were no answers. If there was, it was hidden somewhere deep inside, inaccessible to him.

"I can't shut up. We need to talk, now."

"I just don't-"

"Then let me talk. Okay!" Daniel said as he grabbed the papers and read it. His brows wrinkled before he put it back down. "Are you going to sign it?"

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"According to subclause 4, party A and part B have no right to dispute/contest the terms of the contract. The separation should be hassle free. So... You should sign that, Logan." Daniel said and Logan regretted ever showing that fucking contract to Daniel in the first place.

But he is right. You have no right to dispute the terms.

"It is my terms and I can freaking dispute it if I want to. And the contract isn't over yet. "

"Does it mean you will change the rule if and when it suits you?" Daniel had an incredulous smile on his face. "And the contract will be over in fifteen days. Notice the first sitting with the lawyers and for filing the petition? It is exactly sixteen days from today. God. She is a genius. She knew exactly how your brain would work."

"You are my friend. You can't- she can't leave like-"

"I am your friend and I will tell you exactly what I think. I think you are confused and you are confusing everyone else. Let me clear it for you." Daniel said.

"Suddenly everyone has so many unwanted advices to give." Logan frowned.

"Because you have always believed only you know everything. You don't, okay?"

Logan grunted as he looked away from Daniel's accusing eyes.

"Alex loved you. You did not. She fought for you, and the funny thing is that she fought for you, with you. You called her a liar, a hypocrite. Now she needs to look out for herself. She needs to stop this madness and move on. I get where she is going with this, but I don't get where you are going with all this untoward anger, dude. You are becoming bigger and bigger asshole with each passing day and I don't recognize you, anymore. You are not this guy, Logan. You can not be. Either you love her or not. Either you want her or not. Make up your damn mind. Don't complain when she wants to stay and complain when she wants to leave. What the hell do you think she needs to do?"

"She is supposed to-"

"She isn't supposed to do anything, not for you, Logan. Just sign the damn thing and send it back. Don't hurt her anymore, Logan. Even you won't forgive yourself if you do that and at least, I am sure of that."

Logan stared at the papers in front of him, as if they were vile and poisonous snakes. As if they would bite him if he touched it. Maybe they would.

He could already feel the pain of its bite.

"If I sign this, it will be over. I can't-"

"It will be over and good for her and for you, as well. I sincerely hope that you will stop confusing yourself and her. You kept pushing and pushing and when she is finally ready to be pushed away, you are selfishly trying to pull her back. Always. This has become a game to you, Logan and if you aren't my best friend, I would have kicked you in your shin and punched you in your nose. But since you are my best friend, I ask you to think again. Do not put her through the pain of staying with you, knowing that you don't love her. That you can't ever love her."

"But-"

Daniel's phone rang. He picked it up and after a minute he nodded.

"Sorry, I have to go, Logan. I hope you will think about this." He left, leaving Logan in confusing pile of emotions.

He couldn't think. He didn't know what to do with these papers, with these words. They were the promise that their journey had come to an end and he wasn't ready.

I am not ready.

But she is. So you have to do this for her. You have already wasted a year of her life. So...

I don't want to sign these.

It is not about what you want. She wants this.

"She wants this." He muttered as he pulled the paper closer.

Logan Adrian Forte.

He scribbled his named under.

It was done.

*

**

(... 16 days later)

Irreconcilable differences. Mutual divorce. No-fault.

These words had been the proper fixture of Logan's life for half a month now and finally here they were, face to face. For the first time.

Her lawyer and his lawyer were bending over the files, debating things Logan had no interest whatsoever.

Alexandra walked in, after five minutes, head held high, tall and elegant and breathtaking and there was no hesitation in her walk or her eyes.

You are going to lose all that. The voice crackled like a wicked witch.

Alex gave him a nod when she saw him with his lawyer. Her lawyer was a woman, who looked like a strict teacher. She had a perpetual frown on her face that made Logan swallow.

They talked about property division, alimony and what not, and Alex simply watched before she shook her head.

"No." She said.

"What do you mean No? Alexandra, this is-" Nora Rovell said with a concentrated frown.

"I know, Nora. You have already told it all to me and I have already said no. I don't want anything from him. I just want to file the divorce papers as soon as possible and be done with it."

Done with you, she hadn't said that, but Logan could hear it underneath all those carefully spoken words.

His distant eyes hurt him. Bothered him.

They couldn't be over, just like that.

"We have a prenuptial agreement that states I have to pay you ten million dollars and-"

She shook her head.

"I don't remember ever signing any prenuptial agreement. No thank you."

"Are you insane?" Her Lawyer asked Alexandra angrily, before she masked her face in to a cool, stony mask. "I need to talk with my client, before we proceed with all of this." Nora said to his Lawyer.

"I am willing to pay the amount and also-also I will agree to any terms related to property divisions and alimonies too."

"Why, because you are guilty and you need to assuage your guilt? Because you need to tell yourself that you have saved me again? I don't need you or your money, okay?" Alexandra said in a voice that was clear. Honest. There was no game here. And it cut him. "And Nora, you are the best lawyer and I know it, but if you don't want to do what I ask you to do, I will find a new lawyer."

Nora grumbled. "We will talk about other details during the next session and we will file the papers after that." Nora Lovell looked down at her watch with a frown. "I need to go, but Alexandra, we are not filing these papers just yet. We need to talk about details. Do you two want to go for marriage counselling or something, I can-"

"Maybe we can-" Logan started only to be cut off by Alex.

"No. Nothing can save this marriage. It is over. So, Nora, please find a date to file the papers." Alex stood up and grabbed her handbag and then she stopped and looked at Logan with unreadable eyes.

Logan stared at her like she was a stranger --he couldn't recognize her-- as she pulled an envelope from her bag.

"This is the payment for the car."

He opened it and found the full amount there. "You said you will pay it in installments." Logan said, hoping they would get some time to talk. Just talk.

He did not like the feeling that they were strangers. They were not. They had never been.

They always had so much to talk about even when they first met.

And he knew her, every bit of her.

"I would rather not be in debt to you." She shrugged before she turned and left.

Forever?!

___

Thoughts? Comments 💬 make my day brighter. (Promise) I always smile like crazy, when I read all your debates and angry tirades and hate mails 📩 to Logan. Poor baby Logan. 😧😅

And yes, this is the next chapter. Sorry, I have been a bit behind in uploading on wattpad, and so here is the next chapter.

But still if you want to fast forward and read the next chapters without waiting, you know the drill. Inkitt. My link in the profile. Click. Click. 3 chapters more to read.