030

When Krist and Nana went in, I couldn't help but think of what happened to his wife. She had pancreatic cancer just like me, and her demise is a tragedy to the family she left behind. I had prepared myself for my fate, or so I thought.

I looked at Tawan who was unpacking cleaning after our leftovers. Before I met him, my goals were clear and all I had to do was achieve them before I die. The bucket list I wrote was the only thing I looked forward to, and checking the last one off would mean I lived a life I'm not regretful of. But seeing him that day on the bus steered my life to a direction that's unknown to me, and everyday we get closer as we become a part of each other's memory.

Thinking that Krist's wife left him a piece of her in the form of Nana, who he gets to cherish for as long as lifetime while I on the other hand had nothing to give to Tawan, my heart instantly crumbled. I was no longer ready to die. I was ready to continue living.

"Are you going to keep on standing there or you're gonna teach me?", Tawan said from the study table. If he had not talked, I wouldn't have realized that I was still on the doorway thinking.

We started studying immediately as the night skies were getting deeper and deeper, and we only had a few hours left before the sunrise.

"I can't believe I'm staying up on a weekend for something that doesn't really bother me.", I said as I checked Tawan's answers on the Algebra seatwork that I gave him.

"You agreed though, there's no turning back now."

I sighed in reply as what Tawan said was true. If only I didn't agree to tutor him, I'd be happily streaming netflix in my bed.

In the wee hours of the night we studied tediously and scanned the lessons he missed during the days he was absent. By the time we finished math, it was already 1:30 in the morning.

Tawan let out a snore as he finished packing his things. His eyes were obviously heavy and tired from hours of staring at numbers. It's true that he brought it to himself as he never cared about school attendance, but I was afraid it would take a toll on his health if he continued studying.

"I'll be heading home now, I'll pick you up in a few hours so we can continue with Science.", Tawan said as he held his backpack to his shoulder.

"You should sleep here for tonight."

Tawan halted his steps and turned around.

"It's dangerous to be driving your motorcycle at this time of the day, especially with heavy eyes."

I walked towards him and took his hand as we walked and sat on the other end of my bed. Nothing but the light from the moon illuminated us, and my hand remained clasped on his palm as we both stared into nothingness. I wasn't sure if he was not reacting because of his sleepiness or he also shares the same feeling as I did, but the serene feeling I felt sitting next to him again reminded me of Doi Mae Salong.

"Did you know that the Moon gets its light from the Sun?", I asked as I broke the silence, still looking at the moon.

"I thought you said we'll start with Science after sleeping?"

we both laughed at his reply, the sound echoing from across the room. I lied down and looked at the ceiling, and Tawan followed right after as he rested his head on his arms.

"Back then I thought I was the Sun. A beaming ball of light  capable of sustaining its own existence."

I turned towards Tawan, whose eyes were already shut. His breathing was faint and subtle, giving the impression that he's already asleep.

"But when I met you on that bus, your face glistening in the morning Sun as you sat on the last row opposite to where I sat, I suddenly realized that I'm no longer a sun, and I am just a moon."

"When we started talking and getting closer, I felt my independence decline and I shifted to being a person who relies on another just to get by. The things I used to do alone, we share them now. We eat together, go to school and come home together, and now we're sitting next o each other sharing a bed I've been using alone for quite a long time now."

"Now...I don't know if I'm still strong enough to leave this world. Meeting you made me feel vulnerable and immortal at the same time. You give me strength to go on each day and explore things I've never experienced, but you also make me weak that I'm starting to fear the little amount of time I have left."

Tears ran down my face as I recalled my old self, the sun of my own universe.

"Now I'm no longer the sun, instead I shifted to becoming a moon. And in my universe where no other stars are nestled, you became the Sun."

That's right. Tawan became my sun, and I became the moon who shines only through his aid, and his disappearance would also mean my demise just as his brilliance equates to my existence. Tawan, who for a short while made an impact so immense that he's now the center of my universe, became the rock that I never knew I needed.

I was pulled by a hand in the midst of my thoughts and felt a warm feeling run through my whole body. The airconditioned room made my skin numb the whole time I was talking, but Tawan's body as he pulled me into an embrace felt like an ice cube that melted upon the strike of the sun's rays. He smelled different this time. He wore the perfume he always wore, but his body seemed to have a fragrance that overpowered the chemicals on his clothes. It smelled like the city, a mixture of the lush greens of Chiang Mai's trees and the liveliness of downtown Chiang Mai. I also smelled a faint odor of strawberries, which I guessed where increments of Nana when Tawan held her to sleep.

My head rested on his chest, his chin touching the top of my head as his arms were tightly wrapped around me. It felt as though I had the sun next to me, giving me a hug that reassures a bright day ahead. He grabbed my palm, stone cold from the coldness of the night and placed it inside the hem of his shirt right into his chest. It felt a different kind of warm, like the core of the sun that's scorching on a different level. I could feel his heart beat as my fingers landed on his bare skin. I could've sworn my heart beat faster than his did, but I was too occupied with the fact that I was touching his bare chest.

"It's a pleasure being your Sun, New. I know I've been telling you a lot of promises lately, but please believe me when I say it. Your universe may seem lacking with the absence of the stars, but all it takes is the Sun and the Moon for the light to continue shining."

He caressed my hair gently with his fingers as his bare foot touched mine, sending a tingling sensation down to my whole system. I lost track of how long we've been embracing each other, but it didn't matter at all.

"You shed a lot of tears tonight, thinking of the fate you now fear to meet because you met me. But don't be scared New. From hereon until the day I die, I won't let you live a life in recluse and return to being the sun of your own starless universe. Allow me to be the center of it, and use me as your rock for as long as you want."

Just then, he reached for my face and leveled it to his, our eyes staring at each other. His eyes shimmered under the moonlight, and I saw the universe before my irises. Slowly he lifted my chin, his lips nearing mine. His warm breath travelled its way out of his mouth like a steam, disappearing into the thin air as our lips touched.

I didn't breathe for the first few moments, and everything seemed audible aside from my own heartbeat. His lips were dry from the freezing temperature of the room, but when we started kissing it became softer and more plump, very soft as it touched mine. His lips tasted like mint and berries, so sweet and decadent that it reminded me of one of the cakes I ate as a child.

My temperature rose as we continued to kiss, my body sweating all over even when the room was freezing. It was the first time I kissed someone and was far from what I had imagined it would be, but the feeling made it so good. I didn't even have to put much effort as it was Tawan who did pretty much the whole thing. He must have known that it was my first kiss as he seemed to try his best not to intimidate me. The kiss lasted only for a few seconds, but it felt like a decade as the time seemed to slow down.

"Let's stay like this. I want to hold you a little longer.", Tawan said as we stopped kissing.

I buried myself again into his chest and closed my eyes, sending myself to sleep as we embraced each other tight.