Chapter 37

Lucas

" Hey, how was work?" I slid down across from Nathan in the dining area .

Nathan looks up from his plate of food , tilting his head to the side ," Good?"

" Just good?" I inquire .

" Yeah? Are you feeling okay?" He furrows his brow.

" Of course, I'm okay . Why are you making faces like that?" I let out a small laugh .

" Because you are never interested in my work life until today . "

" Just feeling like having a real conversation with you . I have been a little cold lately . I'm sorry . " I apologize.

" Okay, whatever you did to the real Lucas, please bring him back . This one is freaking me out!" He jokes .

" Perhaps the real Lucas is the one in front of you, don't you think?" I give him a lopsided grin when his mouth goes ' oh' .

" I like this one better then ." He mumbles. Just like that, the late conversation starts .

At first, we touch on light topics. Like how my day was with Tobias. Nathan seemed more eager to talk about Tobias than any other thing. Which isn't a surprise. He hardly has time for Tobias during his work days . So these kinds of little updates mean so much to him .

" How is it going with tracking your dad down?" Nathan asks . Something I have been dreading the most .

" Haven't found much about him yet ." I sigh . It's very much discouraging . My mother did confess that she lied to me about my father. He's still alive and knows nothing about my existence .

I have been trying to gather as much information from every person who ever knew my mother, especially James . I have been talking to him behind Nathan's back . He wouldn't exactly approve of what I'm doing but he's my only hope . Maybe he knew my father .

" I hope you do . He needs to meet his handsome grandson and future son-in-law"

" Don't joke about that"

" About what? Tobias being handsome?" He flashes me a teasing smile .

" You know exactly what I mean!" I grumble . He simply nods, deciding to continue eating silently .

" I want to get married some day , but just n-"

" Not with me?" Nathan jumps in .

" No, that's not what I was gonna say ." I'm quick to say .

" Then what were you going to say?" He disregards his food and turns his full attention to me . His green eyes searches mine for a while before I look away .

" I don't know..." I trail off . " I just don't know if I wanna do this with you ."

" Yeah? Well, that's not new. I lost count of many times you have told me that ."

" You have to understand, you hurt me Nathan. I'm just so scared of falling for you then you will hurt me again!"

"It's always my fault, isn't it? Everything is always my fault. You got pregnant, my fault. You repeated a grade, my fault. Your mother left, my fault. I lost count of how many times I have taken the blame for things I didn't do . In the end, I'm always the bad guy . I'm always hurting Lucas . Poor Lucas, he's always getting hurt . No one has feelings except him . "

" That's unfair! " I cry out . " And I never said all of those things are your fault!"I say defensively even though I know deep down, I always blame him for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life . It's easier to blame him than to admit that I'm not perfect either . I screw up sometimes.

" You don't have to say it , you don't have to . Sometimes you can say a lot by not even uttering a single word . I have spent the past few years wondering why I'm so hard to love , everyone I ever love either dies or disappears in my life . What's wrong with me? Am I that bad of a person? "

I try to wipe my tears but they fall anyways . Instead I look down , my head hanging low " I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way Nathan. It wasn't my intention . I just ...I just ..." I feel the lump in my throat building up , making it difficult for me to say anything more .

" Yeah ,and that too . Your ' I'm sorry' phrases with no actions are getting old . It's either you want to do this or you don't Lucas . Tobias is growing up, eventually he will start asking questions . What are we going to tell him? I want to know where I stand with you . I need to know if I need to move on or stay . "

I open and close my mouth, words failing me completely. My tearful eyes stare down at the shiny wooden table in front of me . What's there to say? He's right . He has always been right but now that I have a chance to make a decision, I'm finding it hard to even think of a future without Nathan, at the same time the future with him is so scary and full of uncertainties. What if a future with him will only hurt me even more? .

A little boy who was criticized or ignored or abused or stifled by an unloving mother becomes an adult who tells himself that he'll never be good enough or lovable enough, never smart or good looking or acceptable enough to deserve success and happiness. Because if I really were worthy of respect and affection, a voice whispers inside, 'your mother would've given them to you.' But she didn't . Perhaps I don't deserve that with Nathan either. Perhaps I'm bound to be this miserable for the rest of my life . Because I'm so scared of falling in love and not being loved back . Of giving too much, and being given nothing in return . I'm scared that one day, Nathan will see me the way I see myself . Pathetic. Worthless. Freak. Just a mere little boy with so much to fear .

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