19. Making promises

Today I had another session with Alice. Unlike those other times, this time I was eager so I arrived before my scheduled appointment time.

These past few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I felt like I’ve been through a grinder. Like my heart and soul have been shredded.

I needed to talk to someone. To let go of all that I have been holding inside otherwise I was going to blow up on someone.

“Mayra? Alice is waiting for you” the receptionist says.

I see amusement flash in her eyes when I stand up in a rush. I usually drag my feet and head to Alice’s office with reluctance. Today that won’t be the case. I was dying to have her help me sort my turmoil of emotions.

Once I’m inside, I greet her.

“Hey Alice”

“Someone is excited for her appointment” She replies with a small smile.

She then motions for me to take a seat and I do. My legs bounce in nervous energy and I’m unable to calm down.

“So, what has you so eager for our session?” she asks puzzled.

I take a deep breath before releasing it. “I have a daughter” I tell her and wait for her reaction.

I expected a flicker of surprise but I didn't get anything from her. I guess being a therapist you don’t get too many surprises. You’re always expecting the unexpected.

“I see” she says, jotting something down. “I assume the daughter you mentioned was conceived when you were in captivity?”

I’m surprised that she figured out the truth so quickly unlike Darren, Sebastian and Ren.

“Yes”

“Would you mind talking about her and how she came to be?”

I shake my head. So far almost everyone knows so there is no need to hide anything.

I proceed to tell her everything from the beginning to how Grace brought Iris to me a few days ago. By the time I’m done, I’m out of breath. I feel raw and exposed.

“You’ve spent a few days with her, how is she, her character and personality?” she asks.

She didn’t interrupt me when I was talking but once in a while she would write something down in her notebook.

“Quite and kind of withdrawn. She mostly talks to me, Colton and Lauren. She’s respectful and also a bit timid and she’s quite intelligent for her age. She is more of the observant type”

I know there is still so much to discover about Iris. So far she’s kept parts of herself hidden. When you’ve been through what she’s been through, you learn to hide how you’re truly feeling. We were in the same boat. Always hiding our emotions and pushing them down.

“And what do you personally think of her?”

“To be honest I don’t know. There’s just this part of me that thinks she’ll end up being as evil as her father. So far there isn’t any outward sign that points to this but you never know” I shrug my shoulder.

I’m afraid that what she’s been through plus whose DNA she has, she has would one day flip open a switch that will see her turn into something unimaginable. She would be worse than her father especially if she manages to shift.

“Mayra, she’s just a child. What she needs right now is love and affection. Understanding and care.

Each and every one of us has the potential to be evil whether our parents are good or not. Haven’t you heard of children who grew up to be serial killers even though they were brought up by good and loving parents?” she asks before continuing.

“It’s not just about his or her DNA. If it were then those people would never have become murderers. I personally think it’s a choice.”

I look at her and try to internalize what she’s said. I can see the sense in what she’s said but still, the fear is still there.

“What about the mental and emotional abuse she’s gone through? Won’t that contribute?” I ask her, chewing on my nails.

When Iris told me about what her Nanny said and did to her, it made me want to bring the bitch back to life so that I could kill her myself.

“It can but like I said, it all comes down to choice…There are some, as they get older refuse to let their experiences turn them bitter and angry and they’re some that chose to go down that road. Iris has you now, you can show her that none of what that Nanny said is true. You can chose to show her true love and affection so much so that it will override the negative information about herself she was fed”

I hear her, but can I honestly be what Iris needs? Can I overcome the little fact that she’s half of the man that took advantage of me over and over again? Can I forget the manner in which she was conceived?

“I know what you’re thinking Mayra, You’re wondering if you can let go of the truth, the truth that she was conceived through rape, but she is your daughter, don’t you think she deserves to be given a chance? You were given a chance by those around you. When you were rescued you were beyond broken yet instead of locking you up in a mental institution like some of the others, they gave you a chance and helped you heal. Don’t you think Iris deserves the same?”

Fuck! She had me there.

I remember after I got out of the hospital, the doctors wanted me to be confined. Out of all the rest, I was the most volatile of them all.

The doctors didn’t feel comfortable releasing me, but Sebastian managed to assure them. It was through the help of Sebastian and Ren and the entire pack that I was able to get to where I am right now.

“Give her a chance. Give yourself the chance to love her and her to be loved by a mother. Give her the love that was denied to her since she was a child” her eyes are pleading with me.

For the first time since I met her, I see an emotion in her eyes. Maybe in this instance she was talking more about herself than Iris.

I can see the longing in her eyes and I just know that Alice was rejected by her mother growing up.

That’s why she was pleading on Iris’s behalf. She was pleading on behalf of a girl that reminded her of herself.

Either way, she is right. I’ve known true and pure love but Iris has never known what that is. She deserves that no matter who her father is.

“Please tell me you will love her, give her the love she deserves. You have a big heart and a big capacity to love, that’s one of the things I love about you”

“I will” I promise.

And I meant it. Alice opened my eyes to the truth about Iris. She deserves love, and I am meant to give it to her. That’s why I was chosen as her mother.

By the time I leave her office, I felt lighter. Like a burden had been lifted from my shoulder. My heart felt free and I had no more hang ups about Iris.

I made a promise to myself. That I will give Iris my all. That I will shower her with love and affection. I will be the one to show her the love that she’s been missing.

She was born out of something dirty but that doesn’t mean she is dirty. She’s an innocent soul in all these and she doesn’t deserve to be punished for the sins of her father.

I was going to make sure she never misses anything. That she’ll be loved and cared for. I was going to make sure I erase the pain from the past five years and I was going to fill her life with nothing but love.