23: The Soft Beat Of A Lullaby

"Soybean, you alright?" Her voice sounded distant and vague as I tried to will myself to stay awake, but I was pretty sure that the task was impossible. Every time I tried to open my eyes and focus on whatever the teacher was saying, I found myself beginning to drift off in record time.

I forced myself to wake back up, realizing that the entire class was staring at me — Millie with a particularly worried expression. The teacher frowned and reminded me that if I fell asleep one more time, I was going to get detention. Since that was the last I wanted to add to the long list of shit going on in my life, I decided to sit as straight and uncomfortably as possible so that I couldn't drift off again.

Millie cast me one more cautious glance, but didn't say anything else about it since she didn't want to get in trouble as well. She knew damn well that something was wrong with me, because even though my grades were never perfect and I wasn't the best at paying attention in class, I sure as hell didn't normally fall asleep every five minutes. Nor did the bags under my eyes usually look so ridiculous. Well, maybe they did.

But reality was that I couldn't seem to get any sleep during the night, especially not in my bedroom, which meant that I had to take the other option. Which was earning myself very brief intervals of rest while trying to evade being yelled at by the teachers.

I knew that allowing myself to fall back into that vulnerable state in my bedroom was going to be difficult, but I clearly underestimated just how impossible it would seem. Every time I closed my eyes, even when my curtains couldn't have been more shut and my door more locked, it felt like I was being watched. Maybe I was. It was possible that they broke into my home and stuck cameras around. Who knew, and I certainly didn't feel comfortable enough to pretend that those sorts of thoughts weren't a possibility. Even though it would have been nice to be oblivious.

Since it was Friday, I was running on fumes from getting just about no sleep for three days. Only a few hours here or there — mostly from my study hall, because even though I definitely had work I needed to do, it made the perfect nap time. My level of functionality was dwindling rapidly, and I was pretty sure that I was just going to cease working altogether. It seemed like the only possibility left.

When class came to an end, I very reluctantly stood up from my desk and walked beside Millie. "Sawyer?"

"Yeah?" I mumbled in between a sudden yawn.

"I know that I'm trying to be patient and trusting, but this is starting to get out of hand." Millie said, casting concerned glances in my direction as we walked.

"Millie, I can't talk about it. It'll be fine, I promise." I hoped that she could find a reason to believe me through the flat tone of my tired voice.

She sighed. "You never sleep in class. You may not be the best at paying attention or appearing interested, but you don't fall asleep."

"It was just a long night." I sort-of lied.

"More like a long week." Millie replied. "I know that whatever Sam has gotten you involved in is serious enough that you don't want to tell me about it, but I'm your best friend and I'm worried. You look like you're decaying."

I snorted. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. You've never looked this disheveled and exhausted before. I'm starting to think that maybe you're going to get seriously hurt, and no one will be able to do anything about it until it's too late. I'd be an awful friend if I didn't voice my concern about that."

"And I love you." I reminded her, lightly knocking her with my shoulder so that she might understand how much I really meant that. "Which is why I can't tell you anything. I'll never be able to forgive myself if you get hurt too."

"What about you?" She furrowed her brow. "What if you get hurt? Don't blame me for not putting my faith in Sam & Co to keep you safe. I just wish that I could know what it was."

"And I wish that I could tell you." I admitted. "But I just need your patience for a little while longer. To save the both of us."

"Saying it like that doesn't exactly help to reassure me." Her lips were twisted as though she just drank something sour, and I felt guilty for being so vague and distant from her. Millie was the type who usually said exactly what pissed her off, so I knew that she had been holding back for the past few weeks. I appreciated that more than I could express, but I still knew that it was cruel of me to keep her in the dark. Even if it was for a good reason.

"You know what will?" I decided to shift the conversation, preferring to hear the usual Millie rather than the stressed version of her.

"What?" She stared at me.

"I'm still barely passing PreCalc. That should be the pinnacle of normalcy."

That earned me a laugh from my best friend. "You've got that right. The day you get above a C average in that class will be the day the earth splits in two."

"Fortunately that day will never come."

We carried on from there with our usual jokes and laughter. It was easy to pretend that everything was fine when I was hanging out with Millie, because it helped me forget the pressing exhaustion begging me to fall asleep at any given moment. Forget about those pictures and what they implied. About the nausea I felt whenever I entered my own bedroom.

Millie was the only thing that had yet to step into the waters beside me. And I was more than just determined to keep it that way.

•O•O•

"Don't fall asleep on me just yet." Sam scolded me as we both sat side by side on his couch. My head was resting on his shoulder, my heavy eyelids nearly impossible to keep open.

"Sorry." I mumbled. But I didn't even bother trying to move, because I was so comfortable where I was. Sam's scent surrounded me, his soft breaths being the only sound I wanted to focus on. Like the soft beat of a lullaby.

"It's okay, sugar." Sam told me, his arm going around me as he lightly rubbed my shoulder. "But let's get you somewhere more comfortable."

"What do you mean?" I was admittedly a bit sleep-stupid. He stood up, leaving me without the lovely pillow I was relying on only moments before. I frowned up at him, annoyed that he didn't just do the simple task of being my cushion.

"Come on, let's get you into more comfortable clothes and a much better place to sleep." Sam smiled gently, but I could tell that there was a frustrated undertone. I was getting the impression that he blamed himself for the fact that I couldn't seem to sleep in my own home, and maybe it partially was in some elaborate sense, but the real culprits were the pathetic people who felt it was beneficial to harass teenagers in such demented ways. Or at all, really.

"Okay." I said, taking the hands he held out to me. I expected that we were going to walk up the stairs together, but he instead spun around and crouched in front of me much like he had on the day he made me dinner.

"Get on." He instructed.

I sighed, not even bothering to fight him like I otherwise would have. I let him grip my thighs as I wrapped my arms securely around his neck. My head fell to his shoulder, where I closed my eyes and honed in on the feeling of the life beneath me. Maybe intimacy was never going to make sense to me, because how was it that two people could be so physically close to one another? Sam's hands on my thighs, my arms around his neck. Him supporting my body as I trusted him to do so. When did I become so sure that he wouldn't drop me? Did it begin the moment he first kissed me? Or was it a more gradual shift? I couldn't be sure, certainly not when I was hardly awake.

He took me all the way up the stairs and into his bedroom. It was there that he slowly let go. I reluctantly released the tight grip I had around his neck, sitting down on his cozy bed without hesitation.

Sam frowned at me. "You need to get out of those jeans first. I am not about to let you sleep in them."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm tempted to do it just to spite you."

"And you call me the masochist." Sam muttered as he went over to his closet and sifted through some of his clothes. A moment later he was tossing an old pair of sweatpants at me. "They'll be a bit big on you, but it shouldn't be too bad."

I took the sweatpants and climbed back to my feet. When he just stared at me, I raised an eyebrow. "Turn around."

"Oh, right." He did as I said. "You know, one day I'll see all of you."

My cheeks flushed. "Getting cocky, I see."

"Getting cock, more like."

That was more than enough for me to choke on absolutely nothing, as I completely did not expect his boldness. My face couldn't get warmer than it was, I was sure of that. As soon as I had the sweatpants he let me borrow pulled up, I grabbed a pillow off of Sam's bed and whacked him over the head with it.

He jumped, spinning around with an offended expression. "I'm just being honest!"

"No, you're being horny." I huffed. "Now is not the time."

"Well we are home alone." Sam smirked.

"Absolutely not. I'm going to bed."

Right as I turned to put the pillow back on his bed, Sam snatched it from my hand and lightly hit me back. "I'm only kidding."

I went to grab the pillow back from him, but he evaded my attempt. "You better be. I'm not ready for that kind of stuff yet."

"I know." He used the pillow to push me back until I was sitting down on the bed. Then he leaned down, planting a chaste kiss to my lips. All I could think was that he was beautiful, and I was so terrified of that fact. Would I ever be ready to go that far with Sam? He would be my first, but I knew that I wouldn't be his. How would I know when I was ready? I wondered if my uncertainty ever bothered Sam. My reluctance for accepting his physical affection. Did it drive him mad?

We looked at each other for a moment, Sam stood above me. My arms instinctively wrapped around his waist, drawing him closer to me. His hands found my hair, pushing it back from my face before cupping my cheeks. He kissed my forehead.

"You're really beautiful, Sawyer." He suddenly said, and I was a bit amused by the admission.

"I was just thinking the same about you."

"Oh, yeah?" He smiled.

"Yeah." I nodded. I was blushing like an idiot, but I didn't particularly mind right then. Sam's room felt like the only safe place left.

"Let's get some sleep."

We laid down in the bed beside each other. Sam wrapped his arms around me, our foreheads resting together. I placed a hand on the crook of his neck, convinced that I could find all the answers to my sleepless nights in the curve of his body against mine. He didn't even have to say anything for my conscience to begin drifting off in only a matter of moments.

Perhaps I would have fallen asleep right then had a question not pressed at the back of my mind. At first I tried to push it away, focusing on the moment rather than personal grievances that could wait. However, it didn't seem to want to leave me alone. So for the sake of my own sanity, I decided to just force it out of my system.

"Do you ever want to be more than just a trial period?" I mumbled, not yet opening my eyes for fear of Sam's reaction.

"Of course." I could hear the grin in his voice.

I decided to look at him, finding him staring at me with such an intensity that it left me winded. "Really?"

"Fuck, Sawyer. Do you want to be more than a trial period?"

"Yeah." I admitted, feeling a bit stupid for being so vulnerable. It was an awful thing to get used to, but it was necessary if I ever wanted to be with Sam in a different, more serious, way.

"Will you be my boyfriend?" He tightened his grip around me as though he was worried that I would disappear the second he asked it.

"Yeah." I said again, starstruck by the look of pure excitement that captured Sam's expression.

"God, you're so damn beautiful." He reminded me, kissing my forehead again. Then next to my eye, then my cheek. My lips, my other cheek. Finally he kissed the tip of my nose before allowing our noses to lightly press together. "My dream since I first saw you at fourteen has finally come true."

"You're so damn cheesy." I closed my eyes once more, mostly to hide my own raging emotions.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep now. I'm too happy."

"Too bad, because I'm already drifting off." And it was true.

"You're such a party pooper."

"Mhmm." I mumbled, hardly even registering what he said. All I could feel was his proximity and warmth. All I could hear was the softness of his breaths.

A few moments passed, and I felt peaceful for the first time in days.

•O•O•