29: Without Even Knowing The Details

"Alright I'm going to ask it because I can't contain the question any longer." Millie said exasperatedly, eyes narrowed as her gaze zeroed in on my cheek. "What the hell caused that?"

I honestly couldn't even blame her for asking. The scabs were unrelenting, and would probably be there for at least another week. She also wasn't the only one startled by them, because I had been getting disturbed looks for the past week. It was exhausting, because I wasn't a fan of having everyone's attention focused on me. Especially when I didn't even know most of them.

Of course it wasn't just me. All of Sam & Co. had bruises of their own, because our last meeting with those psychos went especially well. So that left everyone wondering what the hell was going on with the five of us and why were we always marred. The answer to that was surely going to die with us, which was probably more alarming than anything.

"I'm fine." I told her, which was a partial truth. Right then I really did feel fine. In fact, I was even leaning more on the happy side. After going on that date with Sam — and what followed after — my morale was certainly higher than it was previously. Even if I should have been scared shitless by the pure horrors we faced, I was choosing to ignore them for once.

"No you're not." She huffed. "And don't try to convince me of something you're not, because I'm the first one to know that's bullshit."

"Millie." I looked away from my locker and over at her. Lunchtime only just began, so most people were still lingering in the hallways. "I know damn well that you're aware of how not fine I really am. But there's a lot you don't know, so if I'm saying I'm fine, it's because right now I am."

Her eyes softened. She had her hair pulled into some sort of low messy bun. It wasn't very effective since her hair was so short, but it was an attempt. Millie always wore her hair like that when she was studying, so she likely just finished doing some homework.

"Remember in ninth grade when my parents forgot about my birthday?" She suddenly said, the question throwing me off.

I nodded. It was by no means the first time, nor the last. But for some reason it was the year that destroyed her.

"I got all dressed up. We went out with Keira all day, and we had a blast." She leaned against a locker and looked down at her hands. "I got myself all worked up because I dropped hints to my parents for a month straight thinking that it would be impossible for them to forget again. But they still did."

I didn't know want to say, so I waited for her to finish.

"You were the first person to wish me happy birthday. You are every single year. Over my parents, even over my sister. Every year you wait until midnight so that you can tell me it right away." Millie let out a long sigh.

"Because I like how happy it makes you." I admitted.

"Exactly. What I guess I'm trying to say is that you're closer to me than anyone else I've ever known. Even closer than Keira. You know that telling me happy birthday right as the clock strikes midnight helps make my birthday something that I can actually enjoy."

We were never the type of friends who liked to talk about these things. It was usually just an understanding between us, that we were there for each other whenever we needed it.

Millie looked back up at me. "You're a good person, Sawyer. I know that's why you're not saying a word about what's happening. Because you care about me and you want me safe. It probably has something to do with Sam too."

That last sentence caused a small wave of panic to rise up my throat. Did she know?

"When I cried to you on that birthday, you told me that my parents' ignorance had nothing to do with me. You said that they're just fucking stupid, and any rational person wouldn't even need hints to be dropped for them to know the birthday of those they love." Millie tossed her head back. More hair fell out of her bun. "Well you don't need to drop hints to me."

"About what?" I wasn't sure what thing we were talking about anymore.

"About which days are the good ones. About when you're fine, sort of fine, or not at all." Millie stepped away from the locker. She was extra restless. "Anything. Because I know you."

"Millie." I mumbled.

"Whatever is happening is too much for a group of teenagers to be dealing with, and that much I can confidently say without even knowing the details. However, I know that you won't give up on this. I know that Sam won't either. I know that you trust him. So I'm going to keep trusting you."

"It's not fair of me."

"No, it's not. But I get the impression that this isn't only your decision to make. The second you're ready, I'll be right here. No hesitation."

"I miss you." I told her. It felt like an eternity since our last movie night together. Since the last time she vented to me, or we went out to eat.

"I miss you too. Do you really think this will end?" She was clearly referring to Sam's situation.

"Honestly? I'm not sure." I couldn't lie anymore. It wasn't protecting her, it was only hurting her to pretend that I had any clue.

"If it doesn't?"

"I think Sam will have to force it to."

"Is that bad?"

"Could be." I shrugged. "That's his decision, though."

She pursed her lips. "Something's changed about you."

"A lot has." I said. "And when this is finally over, I'll make sure to tell you all about it."

"I can't wait." Millie smiled. "Ready for lunch? Are we sitting with Sam & Co.?"

"I'm going to use the bathroom real quick. Meet you there?"

"Okay, see you in a bit."

I watched as she walked down the hallway. She walked the same exact way she had since I met her — confidently and a little loudly. Millie was like that since the dawn of time, and I was pretty sure that it was yet another habit she developed to try to get her parents' attention. It never worked though. They were too far gone.

Her comments about Sam left me unsure of how much she deciphered on her own. It was hard to say whether or not she knew about us, was merely speculating, or simply thought that we were friends now. She was too vague, but I wasn't about to inquire further. Now was not the time nor place, and I really would rather give her a more genuine explanation once I knew Sam and I were safe enough to be open about our relationship.

I wiped a hand over my face to try to brush away those thoughts. I wanted to have a nice day, so I was going to fucking have one. And if that meant proceeding with ignoring my impending problems further, I would do just that.

Making my way down the hallway, I noticed how much emptier it was now. I used the bathroom and washed my hands. As I went to the door, I suddenly stopped. There were two voices coming from the other side, causing me to falter.

"Do you hate me now?" It was a familiar girl's voice. I couldn't place who exactly.

"No, I don't hate you." A guy responded. His voice was one I would recognize anywhere, because that was my boyfriend.

I furrowed my brow. Eavesdropping on him was probably not the best thing to do, but I wasn't sure if I was morally correct enough to care.

"You ditched me at Freddy's party." That was when it clicked for me that it was Jocelyn talking. That soured my mood.

"Not really. You got distracted and it's not like our conversation was going anywhere."

"Oh, I get it." She said, her voice a lot less harsh than I was used to. "You don't want to do this anymore."

I could imagine Sam's resolute expression as he looked down at her. "It's not like it was ever real, and we haven't been hooking up for a long time now. So I just want to let you know that I'm done with the flirting too."

There was a long quiet following his words, and I wished that I knew more about Jocelyn to have an idea as to what she might be thinking. Was she mad? Did she care at all?

"Oh, hey guys." Then entered a third voice. This one was also a girl, one that sounded equally as familiar. As per usual, I could not seem to remember what name it belonged to.

"Hey, Chloe." Sam's flat voice greeted in response.

My mood soured further.

"What's going on?" She asked. Probably looking between them curiously.

"I was just telling Joss that I'm done—"

"Stop." Jocelyn cut him off.

Sam paused. "Why?"

"Just..." she didn't seem to have an answer.

"Did he officially dump you?" Chloe's snippy voice spoke up.

"We weren't dating." Sam mumbled.

She didn't care about his reply, because she went right back to berating the girl who was supposedly her best friend. "Of course the one guy you like doesn't even want you."

"Chloe, what the fuck?" He scolded her.

"I could get any guy I want, so who cares?" Jocelyn finally found her voice.

"Yeah, but he is the guy you want." She pointed out.

"Why are you talking to her like that? She's your best friend." Sam was annoyed.

"She's a fucking weirdo, and maybe I'm sick of it. You two would probably be perfect for each other if you weren't such a sap."

"Get the fuck out of here. You have done nothing but piss me off every time I've seen you recently." Sam's patience was running thin.

"Join the club." She scoffed.

"You're going to have to grow up one day, Chloe. Otherwise you'll wake up someday and find that you have nothing left."

"Because you're so fucking wise." She sarcastically muttered, her voice a bit distant as if she was walking away.

"I'm certainly smarter than you."

A long silence stretched out after, and I had to make a decision. I was worried that he was going to try to come into the bathroom, which would reveal the fact that I was listening in on the conversation. But if I left right then, it would do the same. The only difference was that one felt a bit more open about my endeavors, and I figured that it was probably better to own that.

So I opened the door and entered the hall.

Jocelyn and Sam were both simply standing there, and they turned to look at me.

"Sawyer." Sam's face lit up. As if the mere sight of me made his mood lift.

"Hey." I awkwardly said, looking between them.

Jocelyn's gaze fell to the floor, where it stayed. She was so perfectly still that she almost looked like a statue. Her features were beautiful enough for it to be possible, her long dark-brown hair a bit frizzy from usually being straightened.

"I'm assuming you heard all of that." Sam said to me.

"Yeah..." I nodded. There was no use in lying.

"I don't know what her problem is." He ranted. "She was always a little bratty, but recently it's been insufferable just to breathe the same air as her."

Since I definitely didn't have the answers to that, he turned his gaze to Jocelyn instead. She was still frozen in place, and I was starting to wonder if she was even alive.

"Joss?" Sam went towards her, lightly touching her arm.

She jumped as if she didn't even notice Sam approach. "Sorry."

"It's fine." He frowned. "You alright?"

"Yeah." Jocelyn glanced at me, sucking in a short breath before fixing her posture.

"Why do you let her talk to you like that?" I felt like I shouldn't be apart of this conversation, because Jocelyn was by no means my friend. This was something that they should discuss on their own, but I wasn't sure what to do. Sam didn't seem to care that I was there.

Her entire presence shifted from absent to overwhelming. Her limbs loosened, her expression returning to the usual indifference. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You don't have to do this in front of him." Sam pointed to me. "Sawyer's cool, he doesn't need to see the whole display. Just be honest."

"Like you said, we're done. So I don't see why I should tell you anything at all." Jocelyn looked him up and down as if studying her prey. Then she turned on her heel and left without another word. Her strut was on brand, but now I was wondering if it was anything other than a mirage.

Once she turned the corner, it was prime time to interrogate Sam. "What the hell was all of that?"

"I honestly don't even know. I just came to take a piss and she happened to be here. I thought it was a good opportunity to tell her to stop draping herself over me."

"Do they normally fight?"

"Not really." He reached over and brushed some of my hair away from my face thoughtfully. He was lucky no one else was around. "They've been super close forever, so it's weird that they've been a bit strained recently. Usually when Chloe dishes it out, Joss can easily brush it off and maybe even return it."

"I couldn't imagine speaking to Millie like that." Not only would I feel awful, but Millie would end my life.

"That's because you're not a bratty rich girl who's never been told no."

I laughed. "Sounds like it makes a person miserable."

Sam gazed down the hall as if searching for them. "Clearly. But I hope Joss wasn't serious about not talking to me anymore. Even though I don't want to be with her, I still want to be her friend. She's not nearly as bad as Chloe is."

That left a conflicted feeling in my gut.

Sam immediately noticed my discomfort, because he quickly elaborated. "I don't want to be with her. I just know that outside of Chloe and me, she really doesn't have any proper friends. And she also doesn't even like like me outside of using me."

"That's not what Chloe said." I countered.

"Chloe doesn't know everything. Joss and I didn't do any lovey dovey shit when people weren't watching except for a few hookups here and there. Outside of that there was absolutely nothing. I have no doubt in my mind that she feels nothing romantic towards me." He bit his lip as he thought about it.

I was still skeptical. "What if you just think that because you didn't feel anything towards her."

He shook his head. "She even told me once that she never wanted to officially date me. And that was during a point when I might have actually considered it."

That caused me to scowl. Sam smiled and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"This was long before I found out that I had a chance with you."

"I know." I told myself to stop acting like I owned him, because I absolutely did not. He had a life before we got together, and he had every right to talk about it. "We should probably go to the courtyard."

"Wait for me, I'm going to piss real quick." He stepped past me and entered the bathroom.

It was quiet in the hallways now, leaving me to sink into my thoughts for a moment. Too many times did I catch Chloe and Jocelyn fighting recently, and it seemed that whatever was straining their relationship was bleeding into the world around them.

I wasn't surprised to find out that Jocelyn had no other friends. That was the price one paid for a certain image. She could have gone the Sam route instead, who was popular not just because he was attractive, but because he was kind. He carried himself with an air of warmth that drew people in. Jocelyn was popular because she was beautiful, rich, and confident. That was the sort of popularity that kept your name relevant, but it kept the sort of people who could genuinely connect with you far away.

It seemed that she had Chloe to help shield that reality. But what happened when their bond finally shattered into too many pieces to fit back together? Friendships weren't supposed to be like that. Even when I felt like I was treating Millie like shit for not telling her everything, she still found ways for us to be best friends. Nothing was broken between us, just a little bit frustrating.

However, it was frustrating because we cared about each other. Even though I didn't like Chloe or Jocelyn, I still felt bad for them. If they truly cared for one another, they would be able to keep moving forward. But it wasn't looking too good from an outside perspective.

Despite how insane my life had become, the rest of the world kept moving forward all the same. Everyone had their own drama going on, and with it their own scabs and bruises that they were waiting impatiently to heal.

The goal was just to make it through the healing period without adding more to the collection.

•O•O•