Steeling Her: Chapter 40

“I asked you a quest—” This guy is going to meet my fist in a few seconds if he doesn’t get out of my space. He’s been hovering next to us ever since Carter touched my skin. She still is touching me. I can feel the heat from her fingers, a sense of familiarity.

“I heard what you said, it doesn’t mean I’m going to answer you. So, get out of my face and walk away,” I bark back uncharacteristically. He’s bringing out the worst in me, and I hate that I’m doing this in front of her. I’m trying to hold myself back, but only for Carter. I could take it to another level but I won’t do that; not today.

“You don’t get to talk to me like that.” He pushes himself further into my face. I’m a hair’s breadth away from losing my shit with him. He wants this side of me to come out, I don’t. It’s not pretty.

“What? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your phone ringing,” I smugly say with a large grin on my face. He doesn’t like that, not one bit. I could almost see the steam bursting from his ears as I watch him turn a pretty shade of red. Looks like I hit a nerve, pretty boy.

“Stop!” Carter yells between us. We were both so caught up in the fight about to break out between us that we forgot where we were. She worms herself between the two of us to stop us from fighting. “Today is not about you. It’s not about either of you. This is Taylor’s birthday, and you’re not ruining it for her,” she warns both of us after removing her hands from both our chests, gently allowing the space to grow between us. “I mean it. Both of you calm down. Now!” She pushes past both of us and takes a hold of Taylor, who seems a little upset by our outburst.

I see the little birthday girl being cradled by TJ, scared and what looks to be on the verge of tears. She’s fisting his shirt as he holds her in his arms. I immediately feel terrible for scaring her. It wasn’t my intention to do that. I was just so caught up in the fight with Ted, I forgot who was watching.

Carter lifts her niece out of TJ’s grasp and takes her down to Chris, who sets down his food when he sees her making her way over with his child. He takes his daughter into his hands but she wiggles her arms out for her aunt again. She wants Carter to hold her, and I couldn’t help but smile a little. Chris kisses her head to stop her from crying as I see Carter walking back over to us, sorry, storming back over to us. I straighten up for what she will say to both of us but get a surprise when it wasn’t me she wanted a word with.

She grabs Ted’s arm and yanks him into the house, where they can have some privacy—privacy that makes me jealous. God knows what they’re doing in there, I just hope not each other.

***

“Where are you taking me, babe?” Ted asks seductively from behind me. He’s about to get a rude awakening after what he pulled outside.

“Don’t,” I state firmly, not happy with what he pulled out there. I’m not happy with either of them, I’ll just speak to Nick about it at a different time.

“Wait, why are you mad at me? I should be mad at you! You’re the one who was feeling your best friend’s brother up, Carter. Who is that guy anyway? And don’t say Haley’s brother, I know there is something you’re not telling me.” He yanks me back by my arm. I wince due to the sudden and unexpected movement.

“I’m allowed to be mad at you, Ted. You have been absent for the entire time you’ve here. You need to be present for Taylor. Do this for me, Ted. You’ve been on your phone more times than not today. It’s rude, and I don’t like you doing that to me or my family,” I snap at him. His stupid phone is about to ruin this relationship. I get that he has to work, but he could have told his colleagues that he’s not available today and deal with it tomorrow or later on in the night. Right now just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

He rolls his eyes and groans. “You know I have to take these calls, Carter. My career is important to me.” He lifts up his phone and I can see someone beginning to call him. I sigh and step away from him.

“Just answer it. I don’t care.” I stomp back towards the kitchen but he stops me. He steps in front of me and takes the call.

“Hey, can I call you back later? I’m in the middle of something,” he says to whoever is on the other line but doesn’t take his eyes off me. “Alright, thanks. Bye.” He hangs up the phone and smiles as he places it back into his pocket. “There, you happy? I did that for you.” He takes both of my shoulders and caresses them with both hands. A soft look adorns his face but I’m not buying it.

“I shouldn’t have to ask you, Ted.” I continue to walk around him to get back outside to the birthday girl. I want to see if she’s okay. I know she was a little shaken by the two hotheads who clearly don’t like each other. It’s one thing to not like each other and biting their tongues about it, but it’s another thing to get aggressive in front of kids. I won’t tolerate anything like that. It’s not the day for it.

As soon as I step back outside, I see her clinging on to Nick, who is talking to her parents. She’s smiling and giggling with them as they try to lift her spirits back up from the minor hiccup. I watch them as they interact with one another. She really has taken a liking to him.

“Who is he? I know he’s more than just Haley’s brother, Carter. I would appreciate if you could shed some light on him.” Ted follows me out and asks me the one question I wanted to avoid. To be honest, I don’t know how long I would have been able to avoid it.

I suppose this situation was inevitable.

“We dated,” I reply coolly, staring at how my niece is completely immersed by him. I totally get why, because I feel my eyes drift towards him as he talks to Danielle. “We dated in college,” I end the conversation and walk straight out to join them, not wanting to look at Ted. I was afraid of that, so I find myself running. I’m not ready to discuss the relationship yet, not with anyone. Even after five years, it still stings. And I hate that he still has that effect on me and yet, at the same time, I don’t.

I feel a hand wrap around my wrist and tug me back a little more aggressively than I would have liked. I know this is the moment that I have been dreading.

The talk.

“You can’t just drop that on me and walk away.” Ted moves closer to me in a hushed tone, wanting to now keep his voice down.

“It’s not something I want to talk about,” I declare calmly, quietly.

“You’re running, Carter. Why?” I pry my hand out of his and shake my head, refusing to admit that I am running. I don’t want to feel weak again. After breaking up with me, I came out stronger than ever. I was at my lowest point after it, but as the days pass, I found my strength again with the help of others who had supported me through that ugly time. Even with the strength behind me, I still have my weak moments like everybody else. It just happens to be when Nick is there, since he’s the main cause of it.

“I’m not.” I walk away again but this time diverting myself towards my mom. I need to stay as far away from Nick as I possibly can. Ted rushes over behind me and sits next to me, making a point to me that he won’t go away and neither is the conversation that we need to have.

“We’re talking about this, now. As I said before, you can’t just tell me that and walk away from me. I want to know. Is there still something there between you two? Did something happen that I should know about?” Ted shuffles closer to me than I want, but I know I have to address this sooner or later. The screech of his chair along the tiles sends a shiver down my spine. I just wanted to tell him later. Today is not the day. Judging by his tone and the previous reaction, he’s not going to like hearing about my past relationship with Nick.

“Nothing has happened between us, Ted. I just don’t think that this is the place to talk about it. Not while he is right over there. I don’t want anyone to hear this. It’s a private matter and I want to keep it like that. The conversation is done. We’ll have it another time.” I shut it down and set my back against the expensive woven chair I’m on. I exude the aura that tells him to drop the subject and, luckily, he gets it.

“Then when is the best time? Huh? You look like you’ve been avoiding this at all costs.” He sits forward, trying to get my attention, but all I do is stare at the barbecue creating a cloud of smoke trailing into the sky.

“I’m not avoiding this. We’re just not talking about it right now. Ted, it’s my niece’s birthday, and I want this day to be about her. I will talk to you later about it. I will come over tonight and we can talk about it then, okay?” I ask him to leave this for now. It gives me time to gather my thoughts and compose myself. The thing with Ted is, he brings the tactics he uses in work into our relationship, and I hate that. He wants to tackle this head on, and while I appreciate that, there is a time and a place for it; this most certainly is not it.

I haven’t seen Nick so hotheaded like that since . . . Ryan Averman. He doesn’t have the right to be like that now. He chose football, this is the life he chose and is going to have.

I thought if I ever saw him again, he’d be engaged or married. I honestly didn’t think he’d be single for so long. Then again, he was always a playboy.

Come on, Carter, give him a little credit. He was loyal and trustworthy in your relationship.

A part of me is glad, yet another part of me is sad for him. I would have been happy for him if Nick had chosen to move on from us. It would have hurt to see another girl look at him with love in her eyes and him staring right back at her, but I would have put on a brave face and accepted that it just wasn’t meant to be.

Even though he broke me in two, I still want him to be happy. It’s what everyone deserves.

“Okay,” Ted says unconvincingly.

I turn my head to the side and see Taylor giggling with the four teammates. Two of them are on the sunbeds that are laid out with her in the middle. She’s enjoying the boys’s attention, and I can’t help the smile forming on my lips as I watch her grin at all four of them. Chris is doting over her like always as he stares down at her with complete and total love.

The only thing I can think of is this: God help the poor boy that ever breaks her heart.

I chuckle to myself, knowing she’ll be a looker when she’s older. Chris will have her trained in the confidence department. He will tell that girl every day of her life how loved she is, how beautiful she is, and how special she is to him.

“Alright, let’s see how the food is lookin’.” My dad lifts the hood of the barbecue back to check and see how the food is coming along. “My, my, doesn’t that smell delicious now?” He inhales the aroma that envelopes the area. He lifts each of the pieces onto a platter so that Austin can start cutting it up for people to take.

“How’s it doin’?” Danielle appears beside him and checks over his shoulder.

“Cooked to perfection, if I do say so myself,” my dad replies smugly.

“Well, at least you know if you’re ever fired as the head coach, you could become a chef,” she teases him back and pats him on his shoulder.

He chuckles loudly back at her and tries a bone from the ribs that is covered in tender meat and barbecue sauce. “Who have you been talkin’ to? Coach Amberson?” he jokes.

Coach Amberson is the head coach of the Packers and constantly criticizes my dad’s coaching techniques. He’s a bitter old man and whenever they met at the Super Bowl, he lets his mouth run a little too much. Basically, he wants my dad out and he wants in.

“Just got off the phone with him there. He said you’re looking tired and haggard too.” She grins knowingly back. My dad has taken a very strong liking to Danielle ever since we all became a family. He was wary at first due to the fact that my brother was famous and only went for girls who wanted him for the money and fame. Danielle was different, but she had to prove it to him for him to accept that that wasn’t what she was after.

When they first told my parents that she was pregnant, they weren’t pleased at all because that is what can happen to professional athletes. They get “trapped” by women when they become pregnant, and that’s what my dad thought was going to happen to Chris.

She really likes my brother. She’s been with him through thick and thin for the past five years and I don’t think she’s going to ever walk away from him. She loves him and their daughter, you can see that from a mile away. She’s an adoring mother and partner.

“Poaching my own family, I see,” he mutters, lifting the last lump of meat onto the platter. “He hits below the belt anyway. Typical tactic on his part.” He winks, making her laugh before getting the plates ready for us.

“Will you help me with the food?” She grasps onto my upper arm and softly asks me for help.

“Sure.” I practically bounce out of the chair. I follow after her in silence as I see Haley joining us to help out with the food for the kids. Realistically, the two of them want to be filled in on everything.

I remove the fries from the upper oven while Danielle removes the chicken pieces from the lower oven. We allow them to cool as we take the Kool-Aid from the refrigerator for the kids and place it out on the table. I help them out and pour some of the liquid into little cups for them to take as a few keep asking me for some. I don’t mind helping out with kids, I love being around them. They’re like a ball of energy and are so innocent.

After I finish doing that, I return to the kitchen where the girls are. I offer to help make the salad and take some of the pre-made salads from the refrigerator and place them into bowls for people to take as they please when all of the food has been laid out for everyone.

“How are you doing?” Danielle stands next to me, looking gorgeous in her bikini with a towel wrapped neatly around her hips.

“Fine,” I answer, simply trying to focus on the task.

“Carter, hey, just stop for a moment—”

“I’m fine, Danielle, just drop it,” I snap back and then immediately feel guilty about it. “I’m sorry,” I apologize. I’ve been so annoyed by Ted and Nick’s explosive fight that I had to stop that I keep taking it out on the wrong people.

“It’s okay, Carter.” She smiles gently, understanding why I snapped.

“I just don’t want them to fight. Not in front of Taylor, not on her birthday, you know?” I tell her. I feel embarrassed because that wasn’t needed. It was uncalled for.

She agrees with me while she cuts up the tomatoes for the salad.

“We shouldn’t have done that. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry to have done that in front of her. On her birthday too.” I whip my head around to the voice that made me drop the spoon I was using to scoop out the salad. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” Nick bends down and picks up the spoon I dropped. “I just wanted to apologize. To all of you. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I didn’t mean to upset you, or Taylor.” I can see the genuine guilt in his green eyes, one that makes me appreciate that it was a rush of emotions that led him to snap at Ted even though it was me that couldn’t help herself. Those tattoos look so real.

As I stare at him in the kitchen with us, my eyes drift down to his left peck.

C.S.

VI. XXII. MCMXCIV.

If I read it correctly, those are my initials and . . . I can only guess that the line underneath is the Roman numeral form for my date of birth or the day we met. Either way, he knows that, that is something just between the two of us and nobody else, unless you know the date and how to read Roman numerals.

I have a couple of questions about the tattoo; why didn’t he remove them? Did he purposely get them when we broke up?

“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again and not in front of Taylor.” I nod as I take the spoon from him and place it into the sink to grab a fresh one.

“I won’t. I apologized to her too.” He chuckles, making me smile and turn my head back towards him. It reminds me how much I’ve missed his laugh.

“And how did that go?” Haley leans on her elbows with a cheeky smile on her face.

“I got put in the naughty corner for a while, but I got a hug out of it too. She forgave me and let me back in the pool with her.” He grinned, making us all laugh at the punishment she gave him. She has taken a liking to him and I’m not at all surprised by it. He’s good with her.

“Good, you deserve it for scaring her.” Danielle smiles while pointing the knife at him. He holds both his hands up in the air and smirks at the mama bear in her coming out. “That little madam won’t take any crap from you boys, that’s for sure. She gets it from her mama.” Danielle flips her hair over her shoulder for dramatic effect.

“I won’t argue with that.” He smiles and taps the side of the sliding door. “I better leave you girls to it. Call for me if you need any help, alright?” he says over his shoulder. Even though he wasn’t just asking me, he was looking at me, and I nod back like he was only talking to me. I watch him leave and stare at the space he once occupied moments ago, with the beaming light from the sun streaming through the gap. The sound of splashes and squeals echo around the kitchen from out back.

I snap myself out of it and turn back around to the task I’ve been assigned to do. I feel both of their eyes on me, so I look up and I’m met with two pairs of eyes staring at me blankly. Both Danielle and Haley look like they’re wondering the same thing.

“What?” I ask them and they shake their head before continuing with the prep. “What? Why did you both give me that look?” I ask again, setting the spoon back down on the counter.

“Nothing,” they both reply in unison.

I shrug it off and carry the bowls out to the adult’s table. I could manage three at the same time but that was as far as I could go.

When the family gathers around to get some food, I slip back into the kitchen to get another plate for myself as we were one short. Not making a big deal of it, I find one for myself.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll be there in thirty.” I freeze after hearing his voice and sigh as I set myself back down from the tips of my toes, refusing to turn around and meet his eyes.

I place the plate on the counter and feel my patience run dry. I’ve given this man so much, even an entire night for his work, and he can’t give me an afternoon. He can’t even give my niece, the birthday girl, a moment of his time; he barely interacts with her. “Hey,” Ted starts but I take in a deep breath. “Carter, babe.” I roll my eyes and turn around to face him. Smiling sweetly, I wait for him to say what I already know he’s going to say. Before he has any chance to say anything, his phone rings again.

I lose it.

I have the patience of a saint, but right now, a saint wouldn’t even put up with that.

Rest in peace, Ted’s phone, because you’re about to be launched through the backyard and into a neighbor’s home. I know they have a pool close to the wall too. Even better.

I grab his phone and stomp back outside with no mercy.

“Carter!” he yells at me and I take one step forward as soon as I get outside. Storming over to the wall, I know everyone is watching me. “Carter! Give it back. That could be important!”

I launch it across the backyard, over the hedges, and into the neighbor’s pool where it dives in and disappears, sinking to the bottom of the outrageously large swimming pool. My dad taught me how to throw a proper throw ever since I could walk. At least my dad won’t judge me on the spiral or lack thereof.

“I’m important too, Ted,” I remind him. “Just go.” I walk away from him to go back inside and grab my plate. I threw a tantrum, just like my niece and I knew I looked ridiculous but I just couldn’t put up with that ringtone anymore. It haunts me.

“You literally just launched my phone into a pool. My WORK phone too! What am I going to do now?” He yells at me. I pay no mind to him as I return back to the kitchen. I take hold of my plate and smile at him.

“Not my problem,” I quip back.

He takes hold of my arm and spins me around. “Uh, yes it is. You fucked my phone into a pool. You did that! I’m going to have to get another one now!” he whisper yells at me stepping a little closer.

“Oh, God forbid. Are you listening to yourself?” I point at him and wonder what the hell is running through his head. Those phone calls are to blame and the person on the other end of the call was to blame.

Not my problem.

“What is wrong with you?” Ted steps back, surprised by my outburst.

“Loosen that grip on her,” my dad warns him. He does but still holds onto my wrist with a lot of conviction.

“That fucking phone. Ted, I’ve been patient with you and your career. I want what’s best for you, I really do, but sometimes, I feel like I have to compete with your phone. That’s not how it should be. There needs to be more of a balance between your career and our relationship,” I tell him the one thing that I have kept to myself for the last year. I finally let him hear it. I could literally feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders as I find my backbone and communicate my feelings.

“My career means everything to me. You know this,” he says and I shake my head, disappointed by his words.

“Just go.” I point my head out of the kitchen door and push past him.

“Carter,” he calls after me. “Carter, come on,” he moans but I pace towards the table that people are awkwardly gathered around. Everyone has their eyes on me as I direct myself towards the food. I stock my plate up with everything I can see and set myself down in the corner next to my oldest brother.

I eat in silence for a while, not knowing if Ted has left or not. My guess is that he has because he hasn’t approached me.

“Still got a good arm, C-dog!” Austin jokes, attempting to lighten my sour mood. It did make me smile down at my vegetables, nonetheless. I understand that he’s trying to make me feel better about the situation and my outburst. I appreciate it, but until Ted gives me the time and effort, I won’t be happy. I’m glad I finally said what has been niggling at me for the past while.

***

“Bye, my little munchkin!” I squeeze my niece goodbye at the door in her pajamas.

“Bye bye, Aunt Carter!” She squeezes me back with what little energy she has left until the sugar crash.

“Now, you be good for you mom and dad, alright? I hope you had a good birthday, sweetheart.” I kiss her head as she nods, promising me she won’t be much of a hassle to the two but we all know she will be. She’s full of sugar and adrenaline right now; you have to let her crash.

I know Danielle will be preparing a bath for her as soon as everyone leaves. It’s what brings her down and is the only thing that helps her go to sleep.

“Best birthday EVER!” Yeah, she’s still hyper. “Can you swim with me tomorrow?” she asks because I never got into the pool although others did. I just couldn’t get over my fear for her.

“Maybe another time.” I dodge the question like I always do. She takes the bait and lets it drop.

“Okay.” She grins widely. I kiss her once more before handing her back to her grandfather.

“Bye, guys!” I wave at everyone before backing out of the door. TJ is going to drive me home instead of calling for a cab, which I don’t mind doing. There is enough room in his large car for me and the other three but I just didn’t want to take up his time. I’m grateful that he is willing to drive me back; it’s only a half hour away from here, too, so it’s not all that bad.

As soon as we walk out towards the car, I see somebody sitting on the hood of a car that looks very similar to Ted’s. Once I see the person stand up and come into a little bit more light, I recognize that the person really is Ted. His lean frame, dressed in all black, is slouched with both hands in his jacket pockets. He licks his lips and stares back at me.

My feet stop in their tracks as I take him in. I thought he was at the office and that he’d be there all night seeing as the call might have been more important than me and my family.

“Hey,” he greets me softly and awkwardly. He’s unsure about how I feel.

“We’ll wait for you in the car.” TJ nods to his own car as everyone watches Ted and I interact.

“Thanks, TJ.” I smile thankfully at him for taking the hint. I turn my face back to my boyfriend and cross my arms as a defense mechanism. I wait for him to start talking. We stay silent and stare at one another until everyone gets in the car.

He steps closer to me, knowing that I wasn’t going to close the distance. “I’m sorry,” he says delicately. “I’m not sorry for leaving. This was a high priority situation and I couldn’t ignore it, but I am sorry for not being present for the day; for you and your family. I was wrong, and I shouldn’t have done that to you or Taylor. I promise it won’t happen again,” he says, unwinding my arms from the barrier I’m creating between us.

When I don’t say anything, he sighs and drops his head down. “I deserve the silent treatment; I know I do. I just wanted to do my best at my job, and you suffered because of that. I’m sorry about that, I feel like an asshole, but I told you from the start—”

“Actually, you didn’t, but that’s not the point,” I cut him off from telling me a lie right to my face. He never told me what he worked as when we started dating and he never asked me either. It was like an unspoken rule to not talk about work at first, and now, that rule has been shattered into tiny fragments. He put effort into the relationship at the beginning, then as it went on the effort disintegrated. It’s something I’ve noticed for a while now. Something I don’t like but have come to accept. I’ll always be second to his career.

Like every guy I’ve been with.

I sigh and subconsciously look towards Nick in the passenger seat of TJ’s car with a stone cold expression. He has a frown on his face as his finger rests across his lips, reading the situation.

I pull myself back for a moment.

“Talk to me,” he says to coax me into opening up. Once it’s open, it’s open, and there is no going back.

“I understand that your career is your top priority—”

“It isn’t—”

“Stop, it is and that’s fine,” I lie to him. I take a deep breath, knowing that I can’t compete with it and understand that this man has worked so hard to be where he is today. I can’t fault him for that, I can’t. I just wish he was able to balance things better. “I just wish that you could be present for a little while—just a little while. That’s all I ask for,” I request from him. I almost cringe at my tone and how desperate I sound. I’m frustrated that he can’t see that—that I’m working to keep this relationship afloat while he is working on his career and putting me in a corner.

I’m working on mine, too, but it just seems so one-sided.

“Okay. I will be present from now on. I’ll give you my word, babe. I promise.” He nods promisingly. I take a deep breath in and take in what he just said. He could say anything he likes to me, but I need to see it in action to trust him.

“I’m not sorry for throwing your phone in the neighbor’s pool,” I say after some moments of silence. He snorts and laughs at my honest confession.

“I got a new one anyway. That one wasn’t repairable or accessible.” He kisses my lips. I’m taken aback by the bold move and lean back to look up at him. “Enough about my phone, I’ll drop you home instead of TJ. I’m sure he has enough people in his car.” Ted nods at the car with the audience looking at us and him wrapped around me. I feel awkward even though we’ve done this plenty of times before. So, I pull myself back a little.

“I’ll just tell him I’m going with you,” I explain after he questions the distance I put between us.

“Alright, I’ll be in the car waiting.” He nods down at the black Mercedes.

When I reach the car, I knock on Nick’s side and he rolls down the window. With an unimpressed look on his face, he stares at me, his green eyes judging me intently. I can almost feel the irritation radiate from him.

“Hey, TJ, thanks for the offer for the ride, but I’m going to go home with Ted. You don’t need to drop me off.” I smile to him, letting him know that everything is fine.

Even though it isn’t.

“You sure? It’s no problem,” he asks me.

“I’m sure. I’ll see you guys sometime next week?” I wave goodbye to Haley and Jason in the back all while Nick stays silent and focuses ahead, glaring at Ted turning the car around so we can head off straight away. “Bye.” I pat the side of the car.

Just as I was about to leave, I hear him say, “Goodnight, little one.” It made me stop and shut my eyes so I could feel his words—to feel the weight of his words. I’ve missed him calling me that. It was our thing, his nickname for me.

I loved it, and I still do.

I don’t even hate myself for that fact.

It was so smooth, like milk chocolate melting in your mouth.

But I inhale deeply and continue to walk towards the car. Ted leans across and pushes the door open for me to climb in. As I do, I chance a quick glance back at TJ’s car and catch Nicks’ eyes. I can see the resentment clouding his eyes; they’re flaming red and directed at Ted. I watch his jaw twitch then turn to face my boyfriend.

I see him smiling, but it’s not at me.

“You ready?” he asks, slowly taking his eyes away from TJ’s car.

“Yeah,” I reply breathlessly and strap myself in as he waits for the click of my seatbelt. As he drives forward, I resist the urge to look back at my friends. I look straight ahead and watch the tree and hedgerows pass us by.

The car is silent for a while. I don’t know what to make of it. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t not awkward either, if that makes any sense. It was somewhere in between.

I am also too tired to make the effort to end this midway awkward feeling. As the journey back to my home is full of winding streets, I slide slightly side to side in the passenger seat, edging closer and closer until we get to the small driveway with my car parked in it. Ted rolls to a stop outside by the curb. I unbuckle myself and swing open the door. Stepping out, I shut the door behind me and Ted does the same. We walk towards the door and I place my key in the hole.

“I thought you weren’t mad at me anymore?” Ted asks, huffing behind me.

“I’m not, I’m just exhausted after taking care of all those kids,” I confess. I push the door open when the locks turn. I keep it open to allow him in and keep walking towards the living room.

“Carter,” Ted calls me, and I feel the dreaded conversation coming back, “why does it feel like you’re avoiding me?” Maybe because I am.

No. Don’t do this now.

I scold my subconscious for being so brutal.

“I’m not, I’m honestly just really tired.” I turn on my heel and face him. “I’m sorry. I just spent the entire day looking after a bunch of crazy kids who wanted nothing more than to throw me in the pool.” I smile, trying to lighten the situation and it does. He smiles down at me and stops right in front of me.

“Okay, thank God I missed that.” He laughs and I slap him on the chest to hush him from what he said. “What? You know what I’m like with kids, Carter.” He chuckles as he places each of his palms on either side of my face.

“That could change.” I smirk and watch the color drain from his face. My smile drops off my own face, wondering what I just said to make him as white as a ghost.

“Are you—Are you pregnant?” he stutters what sounded like a forbidden word to him.

“What? No! No, I’m not pregnant!” This moment takes me back to the time when TJ asked me if I was pregnant in college and Nick told me that I wasn’t that type of girl. That time, I read the comment completely wrong. It was meant as a compliment but I took it as an insult.

“Okay, thank God.” He breathes harshly, but at least I know where I stand with him.

“Maybe one day.” I smile feebly, trying to show that it was a little insulting for him to say that. Am I not mother material?

“Really?” He scrunches up his nose in disgust and I couldn’t help but pull back a little from him.

“Why not? Kids are cute. I mean, yes, they drive you nuts, but that’s part of the whole experience.” I shrug like it’s obvious but he’s still not getting it. “You get to watch your own flesh and blood grow up and experience the world. I’d love that.” He shakes his head, refusing to agree with me on this.

“Kids are not for me, Carter.” I wasn’t surprised by this admission. In fact, I wasn’t even sad either. I couldn’t feel anything. I refused to feel something. It was like my body refused him and his ideas.

“Okay, well, we don’t have to talk about this now.” I swerve the topic away and agree to keep my mouth shut.

But I’m not putting away my values. I want kids. I want my own babies calling me “Mom” and running around in the sunlight. I want my own. “Let’s watch a movie or something?” I offer and pull him by his shirt over to the sofa. As we sit down, I think about the day while Ted flicks through Netflix on my TV, searching for something he’ll like. He’s more particular about movies than I am, so I let him pick all the time. It saves me the hassle of listening to him complain about the characters, storyline, and composition. It’s just easier.

As he gets lost in the options in front of him, I begin to have flashbacks about today.

The way Nick came out of the pool dripping wet with my niece in his arms. He knew I’d stare at him. He knew that it made me weak. He always looked one hundred times hott—

I can’t be thinking about this.

I can’t be thinking about him.

Or his tattoos.

Or his ripped bod—

Shit.

“How about this one?” He points to the screen and I watch the name “‘The Wolf of Wall Street” spelled out in front of me.

“Yeah, sure,” I answer even though we’ve seen it a million times. I could almost recite the entire movie to you at this point. I think Ted has a fetish for Jordan Belfort. Either that, or he wants to be him. The LA version of Jordan, minus the prison sentence.

“Alright.” He smiles and presses play.

I find my mind wandering back to Nick again. How kind he is to Taylor. I often compare him with Ted and how they interact with her. It’s one of my deal breakers. Ted was getting closer to her for the past few months; it took a while for her to warm up to him, but we were getting there. That is until, Nick reappeared and took over.

I forget just how naturally amazing he is with kids. I saw it with Ellie and now my own niece. I miss seeing him like that. I miss him in general, even though I shouldn’t. He ended it with me, yet I can’t help but think about him and what he’s been up to for the past five years outside of football because he’s plastered across every sports channel you could switch to.

I miss everything about him. I miss his touch, the way he would hold me; the way he would kiss me in his arms, holding on tight and holding me close; the way he would cradle his hands around my face; the way he looked at me, like he wanted to remember every moment together.

“Hey, are you alright? You’re breathing really fast.” Ted asks me, sitting up slightly, and I feel my body react. I lunge myself at him and kiss him deeply to get Nick out out of my head and Ted in. I let out a moan from him as I climb up onto his lap and straddle him. I pull him closer to me and bite down on his lip. He grabs hold of my ass and squeezes hard through my tight jeans before moving around and lifting me up. I wrap my legs around him, our lips not moving away from one another.

He slams me back up against the wall as he fumbles down the corridor to get to my bedroom. He begins to kiss his way across my jawline and down my neck. I bite my lip to stifle a moan, but he sucks harder. I release the moan I was holding back.

He pulls back and I see Nick’s face. I blink and see Ted again, so I crash my lips onto his again. trying desperately to erase Nick from my mind.

It can’t be him.

It can’t be.

Ted drops me onto my bed with him hovering over me. I push back his jacket to get it off him and he momentarily pulls back to shuffle it off his arms. I also grab the hem of his undershirt and lift it for it to be removed next. He does the same with my shirt, kissing his way down the valley of my breasts and down to my navel. He unbuttons my jeans and guides them down my legs, allowing me to kick them off.

He takes my panties in his hands and yanks them down too. Then, he unbuttons his own jeans and lets them drop to the floor. He crawls back on top of me in his Armani briefs, making me think of Nick and his commercial. I shut my eyes and, against my will, I think of him.

Flashbacks of us rolling around in the sheets when we dated in college flood my mind. The heat between our bodies when we felt that connection. It was unmatchable. I knew that, and it’s why I can’t help myself.

Lips attach themselves to my neck, and I moan thinking it’s him. It’s Ted but I’m imagining Nick. I know I shouldn’t do that, but I can’t help it. It’s not my first time, either, and it won’t be the last. I’d be lying if I said it was.

I feel Ted nudge at my entrance and I open my eyes to see if he had put a condom on. Seeing he has and knowing that he doesn’t ever want kids, I give him the green light to thrust himself inside of me. He slides himself in, thrusting in and out of me to find a rhythm that suits us both. “Baby,” he moans in my ear as I feel my mouth opening, feeling every bit of him.

I hold on to his ass and silently ask him to go deeper. I need it deeper; I need to feel him, I need to feel something.

As he does, I moan in pleasure. “Oh, fuck!” he groans again, and I think of the night when we were in the shower together.

I think of Nick washing my body with his rough hands in a soft and delicate manner. The way his hands ran over my most sensitive and delicate parts, making me lose myself. The trail of fire he left behind after every single scorching touch. I can’t stop thinking about the way he made me feel. So powerful, so confident, and so loved.

“Oh, fuck! Baby, I’m close,” he says again and I push my head back, wanting to feel that moment again.

Pushing him into me even more, I ask him to not stop. I’m so close too. I can feel the pressure between my hips grow. My mind fogs up, and my senses stop functioning. I’m about to lose myself to the memory of Nick Jackson loving me senseless.

But he stops. His breathing is harsh, and I feel the heat on my neck as he pauses his motions. I open my eyes to find out why he had stopped.

“Why did you stop?” I ask him, and he takes a moment to gather himself. “Ted?” I ask again. Both of our sweat is mingled from the impromptu sex we were having.

“I came, Carter,” he confirms as he removes himself from me and collapses beside me in my bed.

I’m coming down off my high. Not in the way I wanted, but I did. “Fuck, that was wild, babe.” He chuckles as he pulls me closer to his chest. “Right?” he asks me and I nod soundlessly, trying to push down my sexual energy.

When I listen to his breathing go from rapid to even, I know he has fallen asleep after what we did. I stare off into the darkness of my own home, sexually frustrated that I didn’t get to finish. Even then, if I did, I would have felt every bit of guilt. I was thinking about someone else and not my own boyfriend.

It was a fantasy.

Just a fantasy.

It’s then that reality hits me square in the face.