Steeling Her: Chapter 41

“You alright?” TJ asks as soon as the door swings wide open of their home.

“I’m fine.” I shove off my jacket and make my way towards the stairs so I can go to bed in peace. That motherfucker and the fucking nerve to smirk at me as if he won when she got in the car. He had the nerve to do that to me. The next time I see him, I will wipe the smugness off his face and rearrange his looks while I’m at it.

I challenged him right back. I stared at him without any hesitation and let him know that I was not backing down. I won’t. I refuse to.

I wanted nothing more than to get out of the car and drag him out and punch him until that smirk was no longer on his face.

She’s not a toy. He needs to know that. She’s not his and he has another thing coming if he believes that.

I know she still has feelings for me. I can see it every time she looks at me. I know it’s there, I just have to figure out how to reignite that flame. I don’t know how though. It’s been five years and she’s a little older, stronger. She’s not the same girl she once was, she’s all woman.

“Hey, Nick.” TJ grabs hold of my arm to stop me when I reach the first step.

“What?” I ask with a growl, unhappy that he stopped me.

“Come with me for a sec.” He gestures his head towards the kitchen and I shake my head to reject the offer, wanting to be alone for the rest of the night. I need to cool down, I’m too riled up over Ted. “Please?” He pouts, trying to lighten my mood. “Haley, would you mind if we had some guy time for an hour or so?” he asks my sister, who begins to read between the lines.

“I don’t need a therapy session, TJ. I said I’m fine, so leave it at that.” I stand my ground but my sister nods and squeezes my shoulder as she passes by me on the stairs.

“I’ll be upstairs if you need me.” She smiles and blows TJ a kiss as she nears the top of a grand staircase.

“Come on.” He releases my arm and begins to walk towards the kitchen, not checking to see if I’m following. After a few moments of standing alone on the steps and watching him disappear, I sigh to myself and follow after him like a dog. He knew I would, it’s what you get for being best friends for so long. We know each other inside out by this point.

“Here, Gatorade seeing as we can’t have beer.” He pushes to me a blue Gatorade to me and begins to walk out towards the back. Sliding the door across, we’re both met with a cool breeze as we walk out on to the decking of their expensive home. My feet meet with the cream tiles as we set ourselves up on the seats with white covers.

TJ lets out a loud sigh as he sits back and listens to the sound of cars moving and horns beeping in the distance. The cool night coats us as we sit and listen to nothing in particular, just the sounds of our environment.

I look down at the droplets forming on the side of the plastic bottle he handed me. I trace my fingers across it and allow them to fall freely. I open it up with my teeth and take a long needed gulp of it. The sweetness of the drink clouds my mouth.

“I’ll ask you again, are you alright?” he begins and I lift my head up to see him already watching me. We stare at one another, and I silently communicate that I’m not alright. I’m the furthest thing from alright. “I thought so.” He nods and sips on his own drink. Sinking down into his seat, he lifts his feet up and puts them on another seat. “Don’t tell Haley.” He points at me and I chuckle back, knowing my sister will kill him for putting his feet up on the new white seat covers she bought last week.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore, TJ. This guy has her wrapped around his finger,” I tell to him while facing out into the night.

“He actually doesn’t. Carter doesn’t take much shit from him. He thinks he’s doing that, but all he’s doing is testing her boundaries.” TJ inhales the cool, crisp air. “I know he is. He’s good too. He does this shit all the time in work, so he’s brought it into the relationship. He’s just pushing her boundaries, which isn’t very good to have in any relationship. Boundaries should be respected, but he just. Keeps. Pushing.” TJ punctuates the last part for emphasis. We’re soon going to officially be brothers. We have been for the longest time. I know he’s on the right side, my side. But at the same time if I’m in the wrong he will tell me.

“Do you like him?” I ask him and he turns his head around to face me with the bottle hanging out of his mouth. I face him, too, when I catch the movement in the corner of my eye.

“Honestly, he’s not a bad guy. He’s dedicated to his job, and I admire that, but I’m not sure Carter holds that same admiration. He works hard, Nick, you can’t fault a guy for that. It’s cutthroat out here,” he says while waving his hand to the LA skyline. Even though I hate the guy, I have to agree. He does have some work ethic. “But do I think he’s right for Carter? No. They’re not compatible for one another. I’ve known this for a while but I’ve kept my mouth shut. They just don’t suit one another very well, and I think it’s becoming more evident.

“Haley hates him, too, because he can be condescending to her sometimes. I’ve spoken to him about it; she’s my fiancé, and I didn’t appreciate what he was saying or the way he was acting towards her. He stopped and we now have a mutual understanding. She’s still holding a grudge, though, you know what she’s like.” He rolls his eyes and I snort. Yeah, that’s my sister alright. “She’s Team Nick though. She’s always had your back when it came to Carter. Maybe not at the beginning, but when you broke up and Carter had time to heal, she always brought you up here and there to see how she would react and to keep you in their loop. She always has your back, Nick,” TJ confesses something that he’s kept to himself for a few years. I knew my sister always had my back, even when I was in the wrong. We’re family, and blood is thicker than water.

“And how did Carter react?” I ask, hoping it’s good.

“You remember when we were younger and we used to sneak out to parties and stuff? Your parents never found out about it because we told nobody and told them we were studying?” he asks me, changing the topic of conversation. I nod anyway to see where he’ll go with this. “And you told me when you sat down for dinner and your mom asked how the study date went? You smiled then stopped yourself and lied to her.” It suddenly makes sense.

“Yeah.” I nod, not seeing the funny side to it.

“That’s how she reacted with you. Every single time you were mentioned, she was happy for a split second and then stopped herself because she remembered what had happened between you two,” he brutally informs me of the idiotic mistake I made. I can’t keep dwelling on the past, I have no right. The only thing I should do now have is to try and fix it, to heal her and myself, and to also bring us back together.

“I was meant to be with her forever,” I confess soundlessly.

“You still can be, Nick.” He pushes himself up straighter in the chair.

“How? She can’t look at me for more than two seconds anymore. Plus, he’s in her head while he treats her like nothing. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves to be treated with respect. I know I haven’t done an impeccable job with her, but I need a second chance, TJ. I need her back. I want her back in my life. I want that chance. She means absolutely everything to me. I know I’ve fucked up and I keep doing it, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. She has me running around in circles again. It’s why I kept my distance all these years. I let her go, hoping that we could move on, but seeing her again . . . I can’t stop myself. She’s the first and only girl I’ve ever loved, TJ.” My voice cracks when I tell him this. I could see the pity on his face; that’s something I don’t need. I am desperate for her to be back in my life.

“Well, you better get on your hands and knees because you know you’re going to have to crawl back and grovel. She’s not going to give you a shot that easily, man. She’s scared you’ll break her heart again.” I nod, knowing that I have to crawl on my hands and knees through shards of glass to get her back. I would do anything for her. You name it, I’ll do it.

“You never told me how bad it got after we broke up,” I say to him.

“And I never talked shit about you to her either, or anyone.” He points the bottle top at me. “I have always been on your side, Nick. I’m not going to lie to you man, when that all happened, it was difficult to pick a side. I never told you this but the sound of her crying haunts me to this day. Every night, it was the same misery.” He stares at me in a daze, remembering all the nights he’s talking about. “When she would see me, I could see her close up on me just because you and I are so close and are like brothers. She tried to hide it, but she always kept me at a distance, even Haley.” He shakes his head dejectedly. “She was crazy about you, and you shattered her into pieces. She would spend days in her room and we would all wonder if she was in there or not. Each night I stayed over, I could hear her wailing in the next room like a banshee, asking herself why she was never good enough for anyone. I actually heard her saying that. And I’ve always had your back, Nick—always—but you did her wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have chosen football over her, that was your choice and I wasn’t in the room when your dad kicked off, but you were stupid to think that there wasn’t an alternative,” he brutally tells me.

Usually, TJ is not this honest. His words hurt, but I know he’s doing this to help me realize the gravity of the mistake and why she’s so hellbent on removing herself from any situation that involves me. I already know how much I messed up. I’ve stayed away from her, thinking that was what she wanted. I thought she would never want to see me again. But now that I’m here in LA, we can’t escape each other.

“I panicked. I thought my dad was going to speak to her and he would have made it a lot worse. I panicked and ended it myself,” I defend myself, but I know my words are hollow. “I didn’t know what else to do. I was so scared that my dad would get to her before I did and ruin her, discredit her and her family when it wasn’t her fault. I knew I could’ve had both, TJ, but at the time, I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I regret my decision. I have been miserable for the past five years without her.” I could feel myself starting to breakdown. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” My everything is with another man, and I can’t handle it.

“You’ve been messing around with other girls, Nick. You’ve gone back to the old Nick, your old ways. It doesn’t look good. It’s all over social media and the tabloids. She’s read it, she knows about the girls you’ve hooked up with. She’s seen it all. You haven’t helped your case with the rumors and stories going around.” He targets me on the shit that I’ve been pulling for the last five years. I needed to fill a void, but at the same time, I knew nobody could compete with her. It didn’t stop me from trying. I used girls like I had done before I met her. It was wrong, but I needed to feel something. I needed to feel something like I did with her, but I knew no other girl would be able to give me that except for her.

And yet, every time I slept with a girl, I felt nothing for them. It was like they emptied my emotions. The more I did it, the emptier I felt, but I kept telling myself that this was going to be the girl . . . and it wasn’t. All I could think about was her. I was obsessed with her and I couldn’t stop.

I just wanted to feel something, even if it was for a night.

But it never came close to how I felt when I was with her.

“I know. I regret it. The girl I slept with on the plane over here works with Carter, and she slapped me in front of her when I went to visit Carter at work.” TJ groans in frustration. “I fucked up, as usual, I know.” I roll my eyes at myself. I need to stop this. I’m tired of making my own mistakes one after another. Even when I’ve learned my lesson, I continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

In short, I’m an idiot.

“You’re an idiot.” He shakes his head in disapproval and I chuckle to myself.

At least we’re on the same page. “I know. I just keep fucking up.” I sigh at my own idiotic ways. I landed myself in this one, and I continue to do so.

“Well, you need to get yourself together if you want to get her back. No more of this sleeping around anymore—fuck, I sound like your mom.” He sips on his Gatorade and wears a disgusted look on his face to make me laugh even more at him. Placing both feet on the floor, he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “Okay, so you need to prove to her that she’s the one. She is the one, right?” he asks.

I give him a deadpan stare and squeeze the Gatorade in his face, making him wince.

“Asshole,” he mumbles while wiping his face. “You need to stop fucking around, man, it’s as simple as that. You have the respect for her, so back it up. Have the respect to stop fucking with other girls and make her your main priority.

“Fight for her, make her swoon, be kind to her, be there for her, and love her like nobody else can. Not some random guy she’ll meet at a bar, not another NFL player, and certainly not Ted. Love her the way only you can. Just please, for the love of God, keep your dick in your pants for a while and don’t fuck this up for yourself. No more chances will be given, Nick. You know this. Not by Rodger Steel, not by her brothers, not by Elaine Steel, and most certainly not by her. You’re in for the ride of your life, Nick, so strap yourself in.” He pats my shoulder. “Haley and I will be right behind you, and I’m pretty sure Danielle will be too.” He winks at me and pats my back for added reassurance. I know he’ll be there for me wherever this goes.

One more shot, and if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll walk away and leave her to a life of happiness with whoever it may be with. Even though it will kill me to walk away again, I want her to be happy, and if it’s not with me, then so be it; I still want that chance.

We hear a knock on the door to our right and we both see Haley in her pajamas smiling and hanging out of the door. “You both okay?” she asks with a tired smile on her face. We both nod and TJ pushes himself up off the chair.

“I’m going up to bed,” he says to the both of us. He stops in front of my sister and kisses her sweetly. For the first time in my life, I didn’t cringe at the sight of it. In fact, it was something I was missing.

Love.

I was missing that look she was giving him in my life. I was missing that look from the woman that I love.

“Alright, babe. I’ll be up soon.” She shuts her eyes as he kisses her head. “I love you,” she whispers delicately.

“I love you,” he responds without hesitation.

After that, he leaves. She pads her feet on the tiles to me and placed herself in front of me. Wrapping both arms around me, I’m surprised that she was actually hugging me. Automatically, I find myself returning her hug and resting my chin on her shoulder as I hold my sister close to me.

“It’ll be okay,” she whispers softly to comfort me. I know it will, it’ll just take time and a lot of patience. She hasn’t healed from me, and I need to allow her to. I just wish she wasn’t with someone while she did it.

“I know.” I sigh and hold my sister closer to me. “It’ll all work out, I just don’t know how it’ll end,” I confess my thoughts.

“You do know you have to work ten times harder, Nick. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m sure TJ has already told you that.” She smiles knowingly down at me and cups my face in her petite hands. “She’s a fragile girl and she always will be, but she’s careful with guys. Especially now that you’re back in her life, she’s very careful. She’s taking time to adjust to you again. It’s been five years.” Haley bobs her head from side to side as we pull out of the rare embrace.

“I know,” I repeat with a deep exhale. I run my hand down my face as I think about everything that has led to this moment.

“Why did you leave her for so long?” she asks. It’s the same question I ask myself too.

“I thought she deserved better. She does, and I tried to set her free. But I can’t, I’m too selfish when it comes to her. I can’t stay away from her, Haley. I’ve tried and failed so many times. ” I shake my head and stare at my younger sister.

“I know, Nick, I know.” She rests both of her hands on my shoulders and bows her head down so we’re level. “Look, I know you guys are perfect for each other. So does everyone else, even though some people don’t want to admit it, but you hurt her. You really . . . hurt her. It was the one thing that she thought was different about you, but you proved her wrong and chose football. I know she would never let you choose between the two. She would have wanted you happy, but you and I both know that you made a really wrong decision. You’re not happy and I can see that. That fake smile you put on for the cameras doesn’t fool me. I’m your sister, and I know you haven’t been happy since the breakup. You know you could’ve had both—”

“It wasn’t that simple then, Haley. I know I fucked up, and because of that, I’ve lost the one woman that I have and will ever love. I had to make the decision before Dad ruined her. Do you know what he would have done to her? What he’s capable of? I didn’t want that—I didn’t want him to do that to her. I wanted her to be happy and free from him and his torment. It’s all on him, and I’m an idiot for believing that I had no choice. I did have a choice, and I should have made an effort before now. She knows that, I know that, everyone fucking knows that!” I find myself getting wound up every time I talk about this. I’m pissed at my dad, but I’m fuming with myself. I take a deep breath to calm my racing thoughts. “I was so scared that if he spoke to her first, he’d ruin the possibility of a future between me and Carter, but it looks like I’ve done that all on my own.” I bite on my lip and look past my sister out towards the dark garden.

“Look at me. You don’t get to throw yourself a pity party. You’re a Jackson, for crying out loud. You want her, you’ve got to get your shit together and grovel, Nick. It’s the only way and you know it. You’re working with a Steel woman. It’s not going to be easy, but don’t start beating yourself up. You’re ten times the man Ted is; I know you are. She knows it, too, she just refuses to admit it. She’s stubborn and you know that! So, get up and grow a pair of balls, win her back.”

She points to me and continues, “You don’t get to sulk over a decision you made over five years ago. That was then and this is now. You were young and stupid, make up for it. It’s your time, Nick, don’t waste this chance . . . because it’s your last one.”

Haley snaps me out of my reverie and I’m grateful she did. I was starting to wallow in my own self-pity. I don’t have that right. “I’m on your side, Nick. I am, but you have to get up and try again. And you keep trying until you have the woman of your dreams,” she promises me.

I nod, knowing that she has always been on my side, even when she knows I was wrong to end things with Carter. Haley was always there for me, and she always reminded me that she will always be there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.

“Thanks, Haley.” I smile at my sister who has been on this painful journey with me, backing my corner and sticking by me and my stupid mistakes.

“Now, come on. Let’s go to sleep. I’m so tired and ready to dive into my bed.” She smiles and yanks me up. I chuckle as she leans all of her body weight backwards to get me onto my feet and follow her into the house, feeling like I rightfully got my ass kicked into place by her and TJ.

“ ’Night.” I kiss the top of her head before she leaves me. “I love you,” I whisper into her hair and pull back, smiling down at her.

“I love you too, Nick. Remember what I said!” She grips on to my hand and squeezes it softly. “You deserve happiness too.” With that said, she leaves me standing in the hallway and shuts the door to her and my best friend’s room.

I let her words sink in deep into my core.

You deserve happiness too.

Do I look that miserable all the time?

Probably.

I roll my eyes at my subconscious and its heavy opinion.

As I pick up my feet and wander down to the room they’ve given me until I’ve found the right place. I’ve looked in Bel Air, where it’s exclusive and private; just what I need. I don’t need people in my business. I don’t need their judgment or their opinions. They don’t even know the real me; I don’t want them to get the chance to.

I open my door and shut it softly behind me. I know nobody has fallen asleep yet, and the house is big enough for me to not hear anything in their room and for them to hear nothing from mine. Thank God.

I kick off my shoes and lift my top off, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror that’s hanging on the wall. I run my hand over my pecks, touching the lines inked onto my skin forever and remembering the time I made the decision to get it.

It was our last college game, we were in the championship finals. I was sitting on the sofa at the party I was at, it was held at one of the guy’s cousin’s house who lived near campus. I was sipping on an ice cold beer and had just been staring off into space. Everyone gave me my own space to allow me sit and think. I hadn’t been myself at the time. Sitting alone, I had multiple thoughts in my head, but getting a tattoo kept returning to my mind.

So, I left the party by myself and went to the nearest parlor. It took me a while to get there, but I needed to be alone. I got the ink scribed onto my skin, yet I can’t remember a single moment of it. All I did was stare at the ceiling and think about her.

I made that choice. I don’t regret it. She’ll always have a special place in my heart, no matter what happens.

I swallow down hard as I stare at the black faded letters on my skin. I can even feel my heart thumping just at the thought of her. I trace the letters with the tips of my fingers.

I shut my eyes, remembering what it felt like to have her touch my skin once again. The electric feeling she left as she makes a blazing trail behind each stroke, that moment meant the world to me.

I watched her get lost in the moment. She didn’t even realize she was doing it. That gave me hope.

I clutch my chest and drop my head down to the floor. My heart becomes heavy just thinking about her, like always. It’s so hard to restrain myself when I’m around her. My body and mind instinctively long for her. It longs for her to make my heart whole once again.

When she realized what she was doing, her eyes clouded over with so much pain, and that stung me. It pains me to see her hurt like that and to know that I am the cause of it.

I back away from the mirror and lay flat on my back on top of the bed I have for the next couple of weeks. I stare up at the ceiling once again and think back to the day I ended things with her. The day I regret the most in my life. The day my dad and I fractured our relationship, all because he put too much pressure on me to break it off. The day I ended things with her when I shouldn’t have.

I should have fought for her. I could’ve been an even better football player with her by my side.

I could have had it all.

And now, I’m just a miserable man with a dark cloud following me wherever I go. As much as I’d like to continue to blame my dad for it, I had five years to make it right. But I knew she wouldn’t have me back. I was scared to take the chance, scared to see that she could have moved on. And she did. I knew I had broken her, and I knew she wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

But seeing her now only shows that there is still something between us and that I should have made the effort years ago. I should have fought for her before now.

Five years later is not good enough, Nick.

I run my hand down my face and think about how I can make this right.

What do I need to do?

Get rid of fuck boy, first and foremost.

***

I have a throbbing headache from the little monster in between me and her mother. There’s only so many times I can take that stupid shark song. It’s all my dad’s fault too. He knew that he’d get her to sing. Driving up front, he’s bopping his head along to her singing at the top of her lungs strapped in heavily to the seat next to me while waving her hands in the air and making my ears ring. If she had toned her voice down, I could tolerate it, but for her, this is the toned down version.

I flick my eyes to Danielle and send her a pleading look. “I’m sorry,” she mouths to me and I sigh, nodding my head to tell her that it’s fine. She’s only a kid, she doesn’t know any better.

All I know is that she’s exactly like her father with how energetic she is and fearless like her mother. That is, until she meets someone new.

“You ready to scream for your daddy, sweetie?” my mom asks her as we drive towards the stadium to watch my brother play. Her body is facing out the front window and her head is turned around to face her granddaughter.

“Yeah!” She smiles excitedly since she’s going to see her dad play on the field once again. She enjoys going to his games. “Can I have a hot dog?” she asks her grandmother and she happily agrees to her request. She normally goes for nachos and then brings them home. A hot dog is a change.

“Of course you can!” My mom pats her knee and winks at her. My parents would bend over backwards for this kid and I can understand why.

“Where is Austin?” I ask anyone who can answer me.

“He’s already there. He couldn’t wait for someone who took too long to get ready.” My dad side eyes my mom, who flicks her hair proudly.

“And I look fabulous!” She smirks.

We giggle at my mom who doesn’t care if anyone judges her for taking too long to get ready. Her oldest son should know by now that she takes a lifetime to get ready for these events.

As we drive to a secluded section of the stadium for players and their families, a valet takes the car from my dad. He’s greeted by flashes from numerous cameras as soon as he steps out of the vehicle. Taylor knows to hide from the cameras. Chris doesn’t like pictures of her out in the media even though they’re everywhere in the stadium too. He protects her at all costs.

Danielle pushes her tiny head into the crook of her neck and cradles the back of it as she walks with her daughter into the building, answering no questions.

My dad, out of courtesy, answers a few questions the media have for him. It’s part of his job.

“You okay, honey?” Danielle asks Taylor as soon as we’re inside. She nods, knowing it’s part of the process in coming here. She lifts her head and pushes back her hair out of her face and sends her mom a wide grin.

We wait for my dad to come in and join us after he finishes talking to the media. When he does, Taylor practically leaps out of her mother’s arms and into my dad’s.

“Alright, where is Uncle Austin?” My dad searches the crowd for my brother. We all join in on the search party to find him. It’s Danielle who finally spots him.

“Over there! Near the bar.” She points with a huge smirk on her face. Once we see where she’s pointing to, we see the large animal flirting with the barmaid behind the long wooden table top. I roll my eyes at my brother, who hasn’t even thought about settling down once. He’s too busy enjoying his lifestyle as the country’s top athlete and most eligible bachelor. He’s enjoying the perks that come with it, if you know what I mean.

“Like father, like son, huh?” My mom rolls her eyes and we all approach Austin from behind.

“Uncle Austin!” Taylor squeals from over his shoulder as we near him. He flinches and turns quickly around to see my mother silently scolding him for his ways. She’s wanted him to take some time and try to find the girl of his dreams, but he’s of the opinion “it’ll happen when it happens” and that drives her nuts. Austin has always been the laid back brother when it comes to love. Chris is laid back, too, but Austin is almost horizontal with it.

“Hey, kid!” He quickly turns away from my mom and greets his niece. He greets everyone else soon after. Lifting his arm to pull back his sleeve, he checks the time on his wrist. “Almost time for the game.” He nods and turns around to face my dad. “You want something to drink, old man?” he asks him and Taylor let’s out a raucous giggle, gathering a few eyes in the place. Austin bounces her in his arms to prolong that infectious giggle of hers that makes each of the men in our family melt.

“I’ll just have a beer, son. One will do for me today, I need to stick to my nutrition plan.” He rolls his eyes and nudges his head to my mom, who elbows him playfully in the gut.

“I’m not the one who told you that you’re borderline diabetic. It’s a serious health condition, Roger, and you know it,” she reprimands him, unimpressed by his loose morals. I can see she’s serious but trying to keep it lighthearted for Taylor’s sake. My mom has always worried about my dad’s eating habits; she’d do anything to get him to eat healthier but she finds it hard to break his habits.

“I know, honey. You know I’ve been taking this seriously!” He wraps both arms around her and kisses the crown of her head in adoration for her looking out for him.

“It can lead to more complications if you don’t keep an eye on it,” she mutters as she rests her cheek on his chest. My parents embracing each other has always made me cringe, but as I get older, I’ve become more appreciative of their love for one another. It makes me want what they have.

We turn silent when announcements start echoing around the stadium for a moment, announcing that people need to take their seats and what food is available at the stadium. As we wait for the unknown voice to stop talking, we all decide to grab snacks and drinks before we sit down and join the rowdy crowd.

“Alright, kids, go get your food. We’ll meet back here in ten.” My dad claps his hands to gather our attention. Taylor copies him and starts clapping like he did, making him melt inside. He kisses her head, having been smitten by her actions. After that, we all walk to our usual stands to get our food. As I queue up alone in the noodle bar stand, I overhear two guys in front of me talking about the players.

Nick in particular.

“I’m dying to see how he fits in, man, he’s literally the next Austin Steel. We’re lucky we picked him up when Steel decided on the Giants’ contract. Traitor,” he jokes with his friend, making me laugh under my breath.

“I know man. This should be a good game. He’s a different type of player, he’s a little more broody—quiet and collected. Austin Steel is more . . . out there.” He laughs, and I couldn’t help but quietly join in too. “I heard he’s quite the player.”

“In what way?” the other one asks.

“The ladies,” his friend confirms.

“Oh yeah? I haven’t heard much about that side of him, but I can see the appeal. He’s got that, dare I say it, bad boy look about him.” The guy folds his arms across his chest.

“Ah, he’s quiet. That Nick guy usually keeps to himself but Cara goes wild for him whenever he’s on the screen.” He shakes his head and I couldn’t agree more. Judging by how the girls at work reacted to his commercial, I know the rest of the nation have been drooling over him since his first TV appearance.

“Ah, I don’t blame her. He’s a good looking dude!” they joke and it makes me smile once more. I love sports fans; they all have a playful sense of humor.

“She got his cover photo on GQ magazine as the background on her phone. How the fuck am I meant to compete with that?” he jokes and smacks his stomach playfully. “I had us as mine and then had to swap it for Emily Ratajkowski. She didn’t even bat an eyelid, she just continued to spew facts about Jackson the entire time!” He chuckles.

“Next!” the cashier calls out for the next person to step forward.

“Lay the facts on me. I know you absorbed something.” His friend laughs. “Hi, I’ll have an egg roll with beef sauce and egg noodles, please.” He places his order and turns to his friend, who tells her he’ll have the same.

“Apparently, he gets the magazines to airbrush his body because he has tattoos that he doesn’t want people to see. You rarely see him with his shirt off because of it. He’s a very private person. He’s looking for a home in Bel Air and he’s only had one girlfriend in his life. I mean, he has dated, but nothing has ever lasted.” I couldn’t help but smile at the last fact he said. Haley always told me that he wouldn’t date for a long time. She was always worried about him but would keep it to herself sometimes.

He went into a dark hole after our breakup, and so did I.

“Only one? How can he look like that and only have one girlfriend in his entire life? Is it by choice or . . .?” His friend asks.

“Cara seems to think so. You rarely see him out with girls, and they’re usually just socialites wanting a higher status. Jesus.” He randomly starts laughing loudly.

“What?” His friend looks at him out of curiosity.

“We sound like Cara and Jess right now.” They chuckle and pay for their food, leaving me standing there wanting to hear more.

“Next!” she calls for me to step forward.

“Hi, I’ll have the chicken stir-fry and fried rice, please,” I tell her my usual order whenever I come to these games. Usually, families of the players are in the box seats but we like to actually sit with the crowd. We like the atmosphere, especially Taylor. She gets to see her dad play on the field instead of having her face pressed up against a glass window and complaining that she can’t see him.

As I pay for my food, I walk back to the meeting point we all agreed to so we can get escorted by security down to our seats safely. Being from the Steel family has us vulnerable in any of the stadiums we go to.

My dad, mom, and Taylor are already there. As we wait for Danielle to come back with her and Taylor’s food, we stand around and talk for a moment. Then we’re soon joined by the rest of them.

“Everyone ready to go?” My dad asks after counting heads, and we all nod before making our way over to the security detail that has been assigned for us for getting down to our seats and to protect us for the duration of the game.

NFL fans can be unpredictable and wild, especially with my dad and brother.

“Alright, let’s go.” My dad taps the first security guard on his shoulder to tell him we’re ready. He nods in response and says something through the microphone he has. There are four guards in total for us as we pass through the glass doors to get down to the seats.

I can hear fans screams for my dad and brother as we follow the steps down to the field side seats Chris and TJ has assigned for us for the season’s home games.

A loud voice echoes once more around the stadium and it gathers everyone’s attention. “From everyone here at the stadium, we would like to welcome some NFL royalty today. Please put your hands together to welcome the Steel family today!” The voice makes it known that we’re here. Every time they do this, I get so embarrassed because the entire stadium’s eyes are on us and I hate the feeling of being watched.

A booming sound of cheering and a round of claps take over the stadium as we near the section reserved for us. My dad waves at everyone and thanks them for their support, despite being a coach of another team, as does my mom and brother. My dad has a lot of fans because he’s very talented at what he does. He has a knack for teaching people, talking to them, and getting them to work on and improve the weaknesses of their game. He delivers the message they’re missing to make them outstanding players and teams.

After every game, players would often focus on what they did right for their game. He, in contrast, would point out what they need to work on without sounding negative about it. He would say, “if you could improve on this, I could see you here in the future.” Nine times out of ten, it worked for them. He would morph them into great players—the best players. It’s why he has a phenomenal record for the most Super Bowl wins and for just getting into the finals. He doesn’t win all the time, but he’s the number one coach in this industry for a reason.

He shakes hands with a few supporters as we make our way down the aisle. My dad talks to some of the much younger fans that are lining the stairwell. Finally, we get to our seats without much hassle. Danielle has Taylor locked to her side as she carries her down.

The atmosphere is energetic with a few wolf whistles, rowdy cheers, and some horns being blown. The fans are ready to go, and I’m sure the team will be just as hyped for their first game back this season.

After a few moments of light chatter among the crowd, we were told to stand on our feet for both teams. The Saints are the first to arrive, and they make an entrance to remind the stadium of who they’re up against. The booming beat carries across the seats and to the back, making the hair on my neck stand up. The powerful presence of the opposing team is made known. and we’re anticipating the home side’s arrival. It should be an interesting game, but seeing as it’s Nicks first game with the team and as the first-string quarterback for the Chargers, it could be touch and go. They can’t afford to lose this game.

The crowd politely claps for the away team as we wait for the reason why we’re all here today.

“Please put your hands together for the Chargers! Let’s hear it!” The announcer pumps everyone up as usual and we all greet the team with thunderous cheers. The beat of the motivational song echoes around just like the previous song, only this time it’s stronger and gathers all the attention in the surrounding area.

“Yay, Daddy!” Taylor calls for my brother but gets drowned out by the song. Danielle bounces her on her hip to get her excited but she honestly doesn’t need it. She’s always excited to see her dad play.

With her tiny Steel jersey on, she waves her hands around to try to get his attention. Like every game she’s at, he always searches for her in the crowd to give her a big smile and a kiss. Today is no different. With his helmet in his hand, the rest of the team follow him. He stands on his field and blows her a kiss, sends her and her mom a wave.

I spot Nick strolling out with his head down as he follows the team out. TJ is beside him as they make their way towards the team for the national anthem. Both of them are not wearing their helmets.

As they all stand side by side, everyone stands to sing the national anthem. The audience quietens down quicker than expected. You can practically hear a pin drop.

He instantly finds me in the crowd.

His eyes take my breath away.

Those green pools of sadness stop my heart from beating. The remorse I can see through them; the regret and pain.

It’s all so familiar.

I wore that same look. It has my heart aching. I want to take away his pain but my head reminds me that he created it. For both of us.

I just can’t stop feeling the way I feel for him.

Everyone fucks up at some stage in their lives. He fucked up during college.

My heart is telling me to give him a shot at just being friends while my head is telling me that, that’s playing with fire. However, I’ve always been attracted to fire.

Just as the music starts to play, neither one of us moves our eyes away from each other. It’s like a staring competition, only this time, it’s not awkward and it’s not a game to see who loses. It’s something more—something deeper.

With my eyes not leaving his, I’m stuck in a trance. I can see that his jaw is taut and tense. I’m so caught up in this that I don’t want to look away.

No matter what happened between us, I can’t deny the chemistry we have. It’s still there, even when I don’t want it to be. I’ve been scared all these years to ask him what happened and why he pushed me away. I’ve been terrified to know the truth, but looking at him with those big green eyes, I know that now is the time.

I want to know.

I want to know what happened between him, his dad, and his coach.

I want to know it all.

Every. Single. Detail.