Chapter Six: Cotton

"Another successful show." Rikvah said as Cotton walked past the curtain and dismissed the magical darkness behind her in the ring.

"If we make enough to keep everyone fed and happy, I call it a success. Bonus if the whole crowd stayed the whole time and a few want to stay after." Cotton made to keep walking g out of the little backstage area of the big top and out.

"Are you in a hurry boss?" Rikvah asked "does someone want to stay?"

"There is someone who has been here multiple nights. And they are waiting for me. So, I am in a hurry you could say yes."

"Are you sure about this Cotton? You've barely met them." Rikvah asked.

"I know enough about them. They've come to the show multiple times. We've talked at least a little bit after each one. I'm sure that this will be fine." Cotton said. in truth she had had to convince herself of this fact. But she knew the goddess Kestian served and so she knew she would be safe with them.

"Cotton you know why I worry."

"Rikvah they're an oath knight and we both know the goddess they serve. I'll be fine. I'll be safe."

Rikvah sighed in a motherly way and crossed her arms. "Are you sure you don't want to take the Horse Thief with you? You're trying to help with his escape clause, aren't you?"

"I don’t need a chaperone. And besides this one isn't for that. I'll take him out tomorrow to try and find a desperate soul but that’s not what I have planned for tonight. It’s not what I have planned for them."

"What do you have planned?" Rikvah asked.

"I don’t know. Maybe just a little bit of nothing. Maybe just a little something that is a little nice. It won’t be for long but that doesn't mean it can't be."

"You’re allowed more than just a little bit of happiness boss, you know that right?"

"Nah happiness if for buying and for those that still have a soul to sell."

"Cotton." Rikvah said.

"I thought you were saying I shouldn't go out with them anyway."

"I just care about your safety boss. After all this would be rather hard to keep going without you. And you have your rules for reasons."

"I'll be safe with them." Cotton said.

"Do you know where you are going tonight?" Rikvah asked.

"Out in the city." Cotton said. She hesitated just a moment "do check in on me periodically if you feel so inclined."

Rikvah put a steady hand on Cotton's shoulder. "Of course. When do you expect to be back?"

"I do not know."

"What makes you trust this person so much to have this many unknowns?"

"Their goddess." Cotton said with a matter of fact shrug of their shoulders. "Like I said, they're an oath knight."

Rikvah nodded once with understanding. "I’ll keep an eye on you all the same."

"Thank you Rikvah." Cotton said.

"Well I suppose at this point you are just keeping them waiting." Rikvah said.

"Yes, and I still need to change. Will you look after things while I’m out?"

"Of course boss, go on." Rikvah nodded her head towards the flap of the tent and Cotton hurried from the big top and to her own tent. Kestian of course was waiting for her.

Cotton smiled broadly, half with joy and half to hide nerves.

"Cotton" Kestian said and wrapped them in an embrace. "You were marvelous."

"Just me?" Cotton teased.

"I’m sure everyone else was fine, but you were the one I was watching."

Cotton blushed deeply. "Can you tell me where we are going tonight?"

"I thought you liked adventures and surprises." Kestian said.

"I recall saying it depended on the context." Cotton replied

"Is this context better than last time?" Kestian asked

Cotton smiled "it is." It was true she knew now she could trust them. She didn't need to be afraid of any surprise they would come up with. "So, I suppose I will be surprised then" Cotton said. She went into her tent to change and reemerged wearing clothes she hoped would be suitable for whatever activities Kestian had planned.

"Can you at least give me a hint as to where we are headed?"

"First something to eat, then something to do, last someplace to sleep."

"Someplace to sleep?"

"If that's alright with you. The evening could just as easily end with me walking you home."

"We'll see" Cotton said and slid her hand into Kestian's. "Lead on" she said.

Cotton walked with Kestian from the dirt paths of the park to the coble paved roads of the city.

"I think I've told you quite nearly everything there is to tell about my family." Kestian said "but I still don’t know anything about yours."

"I hate to disappoint but there is not much to tell about my family." Cotton said. She did not want to lie to Kestian, so this topic was best avoided entirely.

"No siblings?" Kestian asked.

"Well yes, a brother and a sister. I'm the youngest but we’re not very close. It must be over a year since I've seen or written to either of them." Cotton said. It was true, she wasn't close with her siblings. And by some undeserved blessing her sister indeed hadn't been to visit her in about a years’ time.

"What about your parents?" Kestian asked.

Cotton wanted to talk about that even less. "My dad died when I was young and let’s just say I was never my mother's favorite. I haven’t been back home if you can even call it that since I was sixteen. And I don’t have plans to return anytime soon."

"I’m sorry about your father." Kestian said "I take it you were close with him?"

Cotton just nodded. "He was a bard too, he taught me how to play. I think all my happy memories are of him." She realized the darkness she was casting over the conversation and shuddered. "I'm sorry. That's a very sad thing to say at the start of an evening."

"You have nothing to apologize for." Kestian said with a light squeeze of her hand. "What about your circus? Do you have happy memories there."

"I do." Cotton said, "I have a lot of happy memories there."

"Tell me about them." They said.

Kestian let Cotton talk all through their walk and dinner. Cotton went on about the various members of her circus and how different acts were added. The story she told was technically true although it was incomplete. She left out the part where each and every member of her circus from the performers to the teamsters to the cook had sealed their soul in pact with her mother. It was an easy detail to omit. Everyone in her circus had wanted something and for those that traveled with the circus it was the circus itself that provided it. No one sells their soul to be able to conjure a magic hand, weave a minor illusion or sweep force from their finger tips. People sold their soul because they wanted to feel like they belonged, Because they wanted a home where they were safe and fed, because they wanted to believe there was something they were running to and not just from. It was the circus that provided all of that.

The Immatas had been the first act of course. It was their small family circus that had grown to what it was now. The technicality of who took in whom was rather foggy a fact which Kestian found quite amusing. From there they had been joined by a man with a bear. Soon after that a pair of twins joined with a high wire act. Then came the first clown, his presence attracted others. Cotton was nearly positive the original clown was gone. And then various jugglers, acrobats, contortionists, and the like followed after. Some stayed with the circus, some just passed through. It was a running joke in the circus that although Cotton was the ring master Gemma the stern old cook was the real head of the circus. Cotton saw no need to belittle or insult the woman who prepared food for her and her circus. Suffice it to say Gemma's word was law.

The sun had truly set by the time they finished dinner and Kestian took Cotton by the hand to lead through the city's maze of streets as they came to life with the night.

"Here," they said and pulled Cotton into a tavern thrumming with music and people. The hairs on Cotton's neck pricked up.

"Oh, I don't really drink." Cotton said. She wanted to get away from the press of bodies, the smell of ale and wine, and all the memories preceding blank spaces that they brought up.

"We're not here for drinking were here for dancing." Kestian said with a smile leading her further in.

Inside there was a stage where musicians were playing and in front of them a wide dance floor filled with couples whirling around. "Do you do this often?" Cotton asked.

"yes it’s fun!" They replied, "and I promise its easy once you get the hang of it."

Cotton’s nerves and unease were stifled by the eager joy on Kestian's face. "So do we just jump in?"

"Thats the best way to learn"

"Is this the part where I tell you I am a terrible dancer?"

"What?" Kestian said incredulously "you’re a great dancer I've seen you perform."

"That and this are different."

"How different can they be?"

"Hours of practice different. Years of routine different."

"Well hours of practice and years of routine have to start somewhere, right?"

"If I trip over myself and step on your feet, I need you to promise to forgive me."

"Of course." Kestian said and led them out onto the dance floor just as a new song was starting. "Put your hand on my shoulder," they instructed. As they put their hand on her waist and held her other one. "Now it’s as easy as counting."

"If you say so."

"One and two, three and four. Over and over again. Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Start back with your left."

"Ow!" Cotton said as she stepped back on her right, and Kestian stepped on her left foot.

"I’m sorry I did mean your other left."

Cotton reddened with embarrassment.

"Don’t worry, just try again."

Cotton stepped back on the correct foot this time and let Kestian guided her about the dance floor. She kept her eyes mostly down at her and Kestian's feet keeping careful count in her head.

"See, you're doing it, you're a natural."

Cotton blushed.

They circled the dance floor to the music in the throng of other couples. Cotton even looked up from her feet a few times. Kestian was right it was just as easy as counting.

"Now let's have some fun." Kestian said. Before Cotton could respond Kestian spun them out and around and back in. Cotton tried to keep her feet moving but found herself stumbling in surprise.

"just back to counting" Kestian said though a good natured laugh.

"Maybe less of that quite yet." Cotton said.

"You let me know when you’re ready."

Kestian danced her round and round the floor. There was a part of her that strove for practiced perfection that made it very difficult for her to enjoy something she was so new to. Yet to be in their arms was wonderful. The song ended to light applause from some of the tavern goers and the band started up again to significantly louder cheers as more people rushed to the dance floor.

"Oh good I know this one." Kestian said.

"What do you mean by this one?" Cotton asked.

"It’s one that everyone does together." Kestian replied.

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"How? How can everyone know the dance?" Cotton asked.

"Everyone goes dancing." Kestian said.

"I don't." Cotton said.

"Just try and follow along you'll get the hang of it I promise." Kestian said.

"I'm trusting you Kestian." Cotton said with nervous laughter.

"It’s well-placed" Kestian said. They gave Cotton's hand a final squeeze and stood next to her. "Just follow me we go left first"

"Left how far and in what manner?" Cotton asked.

"Come on" Kestian replied and gestured for Cotton to go left. Just as Kestian said the entire group of people were dancing exactly the same. They were moving as if they had all learned these steps shortly after learning how to count. Cotton felt utterly lost when out of absolutely nowhere the entire group clapped kicked out their legs and turned to the left.

"And now it’s just the same," Kestian said over their shoulder. Cotton tried again to follow all of the people that already knew what they were doing. She was slightly more successful on this attempt, and then on each successive repetition. By the time the song finished she almost knew what she was doing.

"You see that wasn't so bad," Kestian said looping an arm around her waist and guiding her from the dance floor.

"I didn't look completely hopeless?"

"Hope is eternal, it springs forth everlasting not dulled by waiting nor diminished by fulfillment. There's no such thing as hopeless."

"Where did that come from?"

"The beautiful truths." Kestian said matter of factly.

Cotton was only vaguely aware of the truths. She knew one of them had to do with preaching by one’s actions not one’s words. That may be the cause of her not knowing many others.

"So not hopeless"

"Not at all."

"But nothing is hopeless?"

"Correct"

Cotton just laughed and leaned into Kestian. This felt so easy. Talking to them, being close to them. It was something she had not ever dreamed of letting herself hope for. But after all nothing was hopeless, even her.

They danced more that night. Some of the line and circle dances Cotton joined Kestian and fumbled her way through but others she was able to watch from the side. She danced together with Kestian and even let them twirl and fling her around. The band eventually announced they were playing their last song and of course Cotton and Kestian danced together. And then they walked out onto the street.

The summer night was not cold but compared to the heat of activity and bodies inside the tavern it was pleasantly cool. They walked just a little way away from the tavern and paused under a street lamp.

Kestian wrapped their arm around Cotton "So," they began, "we've had something to eat, something to do, now somewhere to sleep?" Their voice made it clear it was a question, an invitation.

Cotton didn't know exactly what she wanted but she could feel this moment as a crossroads. She did not want the evening to end. She did not want to part from their company. But she knew she could not do what she was sure they wanted. The very thought of it made fear clench like a fist around her stomach. The part of her that thought told her that she didn't need to be afraid, that even without everything else she knew, Kestian had shown themself to be safe. But the part of her that acted, that made her legs run and blotted out memories she couldn't face still held her wrapped in its fingers. Safe but scared.

"You said somewhere to sleep right?" Cotton asked.

"I did" Kestian said. Their finger gently stroked her shoulder blade as they held her.

"I think I'd like to sleep with you." Cotton said. "Is your place close to here?"

"We'll be going to the temple actually." Kestian said

"Oh, why?"

"It’s rules. I work and live in a pleasure house, but I am not a member of the pleasure guild, and neither are you so we wouldn't be allowed to sleep together or do anything else there. My boss is very particular about the rules and I don’t want to be on the wrong side of him or the guild so, rules are rules." They said.

"I had never considered that." Cotton said.

"Besides there will be fewer prying eyes and gossiping tongues at the temple." Kestian said.

"You'd think there would be respect for privacy at a brothel." Cotton said.

"For paying customers there is the very soul of discretion." Kestian said "but neither of us are that."

"And how far is it?" Cotton asked

"Not" Kestian said. They twisted a finger in Cotton's hair.

"Did you plan this?" Cotton asked.

"I hoped for it." Kestian replied.

"Then we should go shouldn't we?"

"yes, we should." They said. They looked down at her. “May I kiss you.” They asked.

Cotton had never been asked that question before. “yes” she said.

Kestian leaned their head down to place a gentle kiss against Cotton’s lips. Cotton pushed up ever so slightly in to their kiss. They pulled away and smiled. They took Cotton's hand and led them just a few blocks farther to a tall and graceful stone building. The edifice arched high above them as they entered. Vaulted arches soared above them leading to the central shrine and then down corridors where there were small alcoves and chapels around the large central one. In the center raised up from the floor was the high shrine incense wafted up from braziers and even at this hour there were a few kneeling in prayer before the shine.

Kestian lead them away from the central shrine to a hall lined at regular intervals with doors Cotton assumed led to cells. They opened a door and led her inside.

The cell was simply furnished. There was a bed big enough to sleep two snugly, a small writing desk and stool, a narrow wardrobe and a window with blinds closed over it. Kestian spoke a word to light the lamp and then closed the door behind them.

Cotton closed her eyes a moment and breathed in the feeling of the space. She could feel the scared presence that thrummed through the whole building beating in this room like a heart. The room was familiar. She imagined there were only so many ways a temple cell could be set up.

"Cotton," Kestian’s voice was inquisitive as they placed their hands on her arms and kissed her on the shoulder "would you like to get undressed?"

Cotton looked at Kestian's hand on her arm and then back and up to them. She didn't need to feel afraid. This place was safe. They were safe. She began undressing. Kestian took a step back from her and began to undress as well. Cotton stopped when she was down to her combinations.

"Can I help you with those?" Kestian asked playfully reaching a hand.

Cotton took their hand and held it in both of hers. "You said we were just sleeping right?"

Kestian curled their fingers closing their hand around Cotton's. "If sleeping is all you want to do, it is all we will do."

Cotton felt the building tension release from her chest and shoulders. "Thank you." She whispered looking down.

Kestian stroked her arm gently "Cotton, of course"

"I’m sorry." Cotton said "I know you...I know you wanted more than this tonight."

"What you want matters too." Kestian said.

Their words were like a splash of cool water over her face. She knew they were safe but still it felt like a surprise. Cotton stared at Kestian's hand clasped between her own. This moment had been looming in her mind all evening. She had been worried about disappointing them, about leading them on. But this was a boundary that as much as she might want to someday cross she could not cross yet.

"May I hold you?" They asked.

Cotton looked up to their gentle eyes and nodded. Kestian pulled her to their chest and wrapped her in an embrace. Cotton calmed against the sound of the gentle beating of Kestian's heart.

"You never have to do anything you don't want to." They said "I would never force you. You know that don’t you?" Kestian asked.

"I know." Cotton replied.

"Have I made you uncomfortable?" Kestian asked.

"No. You're perfect, you've been perfect. It’s just me. It’s my fault." Cotton said.

"Fault is the wrong word to use here." Kestian said as they tilted her chin up to look at them.

But it was her fault Cotton thought. It was all the baggage she carried with her that she could not put down. How could she tell them about all she carried. They wouldn't look at her the way they were looking at her now if they knew. They would just see her as something to be pitied, something small and weak and pathetic. She did not want to feel that way while she was in their arms. She wanted to feel safe and respected and desired in a way that did not inspire fear. The way she felt now.

"Also I'm far from perfect." Kestian added.

Cotton chuckled "not from where I'm standing."

Kestian smiled "may I kiss you?" They asked.

Cotton tiptoed and pressed her lips to theirs. Kestian returned her kiss tenderly. They pulled away and rested their head on Cotton's "lets go to bed." They said.

"Yes," Cotton said.

"Would you like to sleep alone, or may I sleep with you?" Kestian asked.

"With you." Cotton said holding onto their shift. Of course she wanted to sleep with them. She wanted to feel them close around her. She wanted that feeling of intimacy and proximity without the fear that so often accompanied it.

"Alright" Kestian smiled. They unfolded their arms from around Cotton and led her to the bed. Cotton carefully took off her torque and slipped it just under the frame as Kestian pulled her up onto the bed. Cotton nestled into them like two spoons in a drawer. Kestian ran their fingertips up and down her arm "did you have a good time tonight?" They asked.

"I did" Cotton said "I think you vastly overestimated my dancing ability, but I had I good time with you. Tonight, was perfect."

"Good, I’m glad" Kestian said. They spoke a word and the mage lamp extinguished. "I loved spending the evening with you. I'd like to keep seeing you if that's alright."

"Yes" Cotton said before she could think any better of it. "I want to see you again too."

"Perfect." Kestian said "I look forward to waking up together and then whatever comes after."

An idea flashed in zcotton's mind "a hike." She said. She was not very familiar with the city of Corsaña despite spending nearly a month there every year but the woods and trails around it she did know well.

"That sounds lovely." Kestian said. "I'll look forward to it." They kissed Cotton's shoulder.

"I have the morning and afternoon open on 3rd day. We could go then." Cotton said.

"It almost feels too long to wait, can I still come see you perform."

"Of course" cotton said

Kestian hmmed gently and nuzzled their head against hers. "I will look forward to it." They whispered.

"I will too." Cotton said. And she would. She barely knew Kestian and yet she was here in their arms, not even parted company and dreaming about the next time she could see them. She knew this couldn't last. She knew her time in the city was limited and that she had other work to do both in the running of the circus and the brokering of pacts. But here in Kestian’s arms she could forget for just a moment all the other things that pulled at her, all the reasons why the peace she had here was temporary, and all the nightmares that their arms kept at bay. She was safe here. She was safe with them. When she left Corsaña she would leave them behind, but that was weeks away.

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