Chapter 4

So it's been two years. Yeah...A Full two years have passed. Even I can't believe that I have managed to hide this for two years. The secret is just one mantra – 'if you have to fool others, fool yourself first. If you have to convince others, convince yourself first. If you have to make others believe, believe in it yourself first'.

So, Gauri Rai Chaudhari has been dead for over two years. Now there is only Jai Varma left. And Jai is a boy.

At first, I used to flinch at the sight of naked torsos of boys. If I used to get a glimpse of a penis inside a bathroom, then I used to look away and behave weirdly. But now, I can walk in on any half-naked guy, or full naked guy, and stand inside the boys' bathroom and talk with them for hours, even watching them peeing. I mean, the trick is to just convince yourself that it is not a big deal. It's normal. That I am one of them. That I am a guy.

So I can eat, talk, think and behave like them by now. I have slept with boys in one room, discussed the girls in our class and even watched porn with them.

I WAS one of them.

And except for the monthly periods that came to remind me every month that I am a girl, even I have totally forgotten that I was a girl.

I was peacefully at home here.

When I came out of the bathroom, Veer was standing in the room, shirtless, still drying his hair. He had again left his dirty underwear in the bathroom. I brought the boxer shorts in my hand threw them into the laundry basket. Two years with him had made me totally accustomed to his underwear or his pines or naked chest or whatever. Now more than a glimpse of his dick, the fact that he thought I had a crush on Ayisha freaked me out more. How in the world he could think that I would have a crush on 'his' girl. I have that bro code to keep. I might not be completely a dude. But I am now. And brothers don't hit on brothers' girls. That's the unwritten rule.

I obviously liked Ayisha. But I can't have a crush on her. I am not a lesbian. Well, I am kind of confused about my identity and sexuality lately because of hanging out with guys and pretending to check out girls for the show. But...yeah, I had definitely not felt anything for a girl. For the record, I had not felt anything for a guy either. I had refrained from feeling anything remotely close to a crush for anyone for the past two years. And it's was not that unnatural. I mean, I was in no place to think of a romance. My mind is filled up with my own problems that I don't find interest in things like having a crush. And besides, it's not like I can date a person even if I develop a crush on someone. I am in this situation where I am neither a girl nor a boy.

So yeah, I was flabbergasted when Veer told me his crazy idea of me having a crush on Ayisha. But at first, when he asked me if I am hiding anything from him, I was kind of scared because at first, I thought he found out my secret. I can't even imagine Veer finding that out. I don't want him to find that out ever. Things will be so difficult and awkward after that. I might lose Veer. I never want to lose Veer.

Veer is like family. He was not just my friend. He was my brother.

He was there when I was most lost and sad after my dad's death. Veer filled the gap left by my dad. He totally did. He stayed by me when I needed someone the most. He is there for me all the time. And that's why he means so much. So much. I can never afford to lose Veer.

But I get scared. He still had no idea that I am physically a girl. I was hiding that much big of a secret from him. I don't want him to find it out ever. I wish we can be brothers like this forever.

But I won't be able to stay with him forever. Once we graduate, I don't know where I will be. The separation is inevitable. I can't be with him forever. That's good too. Because then he never has to know my real identity. Though we both might miss each other our whole life. But...I can't do anything about it. It's got to be this way.

So it's just for a few more months.

And so, I need to do something to help him. As much as I can. Help him get the girl he likes, help him solve his problems with his parents.

"I thought about it," I said as Veer was putting on his shirt. "You should go to your house in the holidays. Talk to your parents."

"No." He said.

"If not now then when, Veer?" I asked. He can't just postpone things forever like this.

"You are going. And you are going to talk to them." I told him firmly, "Tell them that you don't want to be a doctor. That you have the right to choose your life. You are going to do fine."

He looked at me, leaving his hand down. His shirt was still half unbuttoned. I know he is tensed. I know that he thinks that his parents abandoned him when he was young, which was practically true. Who dumps their kid at boarding school when he is only 8 years old??? How hurt little Veer might have been. I know he still resents his parents for that. That he keep that scar inside his heart. He needs to resolve those unresolved bitter feelings inside him.

I stepped closer to him. "Tell them what you think and feel. Clearly..."

"No. It will end up really messy." He said.

"Let it be messy. Sometimes mess helps, bro." I said. "You need that mess right now."

He seemed to think and then nod. Then he looked up at me. "Come with me then?"

"What?"

"Come with me. To my house when I go there for Navrathri holidays. I feel I can do it better if you are there with me." He said. Go with him to his house??? I have met his parents when they have come to visit him a couple of times, but.... Besides, I am not supposed to leave this town. I am supposed to be hiding.

"I know it's not that safe for you." Veer said. "But...Your uncle is in Mumbai. My house is in Delhi. We can go by bus. No one will know... How will your uncle even know??"

Okay, he might not know. But there are problems besides that. I have established a steady schedule now here in this room by which Veer will never ever find out that I am a girl – unless he accidentally sees me naked or something, which he never will as I am really careful. But in his house, I was not so sure.

"Come on..." He insisted softly. He seemed to be saying 'I need you there'. I understood. He needed my support to talk with his parents. And I wanted to support him.

"I will think about it," I told Veer. "Ask Keerthi didi for permission as well."

He nodded.

In the next week, the school was bustling more because of the approaching Sports Day. The days like Arts day, Annual Day, Sports Day, etc were the only relief for us in the middle of stressful studies. And now that class 12th has started the teachers were stricter about studies and students were as well more serious. People were in the race to get admission to the best colleges and university in India.

So the sports day came, as a break from all that stress.

I usually never take part in any of the events. It's difficult to jump or run with your chest bound tight.

I looked at the mirror in the bathroom as I put on the gym outfit. Unlike the uniform which includes a coat, the gym clothes were rather thin, and just sweat-pants and a t-shirt.

And my chest was growing larger for a few months. I was a growing girl. I could not avoid my body growing up. I was no longer fifteen with a flatter chest. I was no longer an A cup. It was a B cup or even going towards a C cup now. The chest binding did help, but it was not as flat as before. This was insane.

I wondered if it was looking unnatural.

"Oye... Jai, come fast." I heard Happy and Varun's voice inside the room. "The events are about to start," They yelled.

"5 mins..." I yelled back from the bathroom.

"Did you get constipation?" Happy was yelling.

I passed a hand over my chest. I was not okay with it. It was a bit 'not-flat'. So I pulled off my t-shirt and under-shirt and started to bind my chest tighter. I was getting difficulty in breathing now, as it was bound too tight. But that was okay. I can bear with that for a day.

I came out of the bathroom after I was satisfied with my chest.

Happy, Varun, Sahil and Veer were waiting for me.

"Let's hurry... The relay race already started." Varun said.

Ayisha was looking really pretty in her gym clothes as usual. Talking and laughing with her friends. I meant it when I said I liked Ayisha. She is a nice girl. She is what I described to Happy. And that is why I approve of her for Veer. I could not have imagined how I would have felt if Veer liked one of those pretty bimbo girls. The girl in me might have freaked out. It's just because Ayisha is not a bimbo, and because I like her that I don't flip out on the idea of Veer dating someone. Because even when I don't have a crush on Ayisha or Veer, I do get bothered about the idea of sharing Veer with someone else. That was natural I guess. Even in friendship people can feel that way. Veer seems so much like my personal possession for me to be okay with letting him go and making some other girl special to him. I feel jealous. Possessive.

But I guess I will have to deal with it. It's not like Veer is not going to date any girl ever at all. I can't hold him back from his life. And it's not even like I can be with him forever. So yeah, I need to help him out with Ayisha. He needs pushing for him to do something about his feelings for her.

He just needs to ask her out. I don't think she will reject Veer if he asks her out. Because I don't see why any girl will reject Veer? And I am not telling this because he is 'handsome'. It's because I know Veer. I know him better than anyone and is his best friend. And so I can say for sure that Veer is a nice guy. A genuinely nice guy. So, yeah...if he just musters up some courage and tells Ayisha about his feelings, there is no reason for Ayisha to reject him.

Ayisha's friends suddenly pointed at me and Veer. Ayisha turned to look at us. I looked at Veer.

Veer who was obviously looking at Ayisha till now blushed and turned his head away....

Moron.

I gave a wave to Ayisha, who smiled at me.

"You know if you keep this up for longer, you will look like a spineless coward. Which is pretty unattractive to the girls." I said to Veer. He looked at me. "They know you have a crush on her. You have to act soon. Or her interest in you will flatter. You will seem more and more unattractive as time passes. Your nervousness and hesitation will not seem cute anymore. It will just be boring and unattractive."

He looked scared now.

"Talk to her today after the sports meet," I said. "Ask her out for a movie this Sunday."

Veer looked unsure.

"What?" I asked him.

"You know that I get so nervous in front of her."

"Why the hell do you get so nervous in front of her? Okay... We need to deal with this issued. Imagine her to be me when you talk to her. Then you won't get nervous."

"Imagine her to be you?" He scowled.

"I know that is a big stretch. But try."

"No, it is not a big stretch." He said. "You look like a girl anyway."

I frowned. This is his idea of getting back at me or trying to get me irritated. "I don't." I hit the back of his head.

"You can't even shoot a basket." He said, and he lifted up my arms. "Have you seen your total lack of biceps?"

"I am just lanky. And I can be athletic."

"Phew.." He laughed. "You?"

"I can be."

"Okay fine." He turned to me. "Participate in any sports event today and come under top 5. If you do, I will ask Ayisha out."

"You are serious?" I asked him, squinting.

"Yup." He said. "I will ask her out if you come under the top 5 of any event."

I considered. I looked at the big playground. The hurdle race was going on.

"Any event?" I asked.

He nodded.

"You can't back off on your word. You will ask her out."

"Yeah. I will." He said.

"That is a bet." I held out my hand. He took it and shook it. "Deal." He said.

"Fine," I said. "You can't back off now." I was in my fighting spirit. I can come under the top 5 in some event. I mean, I might be bad in many athletic stuff. But the very least I can run.

"Happy..." I ran to Happy. "Where do we register for the 100-meter race?"

Veer had followed me.

"You are going to participate in the 100-meter race?" Dhruv, one of our classmates asked. He was standing near Happy. Dhruv was our close friend too. Sahil and Varun joined us as well.

"Yeah," I said.

"Good, we have been short of a person. You can register with me." Dhruv said. He was on the sports committee. He lifted up a clipboard and wrote in my name.

"How many people are there for the race?" Veer asked Dhruv.

"20," Dhruv said, "including Jai."

"Just for your information." Veer said with his arm around my shoulder, "The bet holds only if you are in the top 5."

"What bet?" Happy asked.

"Oh, he is going to ask Ayisha out if I get under top 5. Which I will be."

"Cool," Hari whistled.

"Go Jai..." Varun cheered for me.

I flexed my legs and stood at the starting point. Happy, Varun and others were cheering for me and calling out "Jai...Jai..." in a cheering voice. I looked at Veer. He gave me a raised eyebrow. He still looked all so amused. I guess he was also trying to get me to exert a bit. Veer is a lot health-conscious and is always doing push-ups and other exercises in the room. He always tries to make me do the same. But doing push-up? Me? I can't even do 1 properly. So I guess Veer is satisfied that now that I am running the race.

At the sound of the whistle, everybody began to run. I did too. Others were fast. I knew it was really difficult to get in the first 5. But I tried my best.

But I was finding it really difficult. I was having difficulty breathing even before. But now I was running... I felt I was suffocating a bit too much.

But we were reaching the finish point soon. I could hear my friends yelling my name from the sidelines.

I looked ahead. There were five people ahead of me. If I can manage to get past just one more...

I held my breath in and ran as I have never run before.

Just before the finish line, I ran past the 5th person... And finished as the 5th person in the race.

Yes!! Yes, I came under 5.

But I sensed something wrong at once. I needed to pant. But my chest was unable to rise and fall. It was bound tight. I felt a sharp pang of pain. I was under oxygen supply. My lungs hurt I think. Or was it my heart as it was unable to put oxygen in the blood??

'Bear with it, Jai...' I whispered to myself in my mind. 'You can do it...'

Happy and Varun came running to me, and lifted me up... "Our hero..." They whistled. I laughed with them. I gave a triumphant smile to Veer, who was looking at me with a smile. But my chest still hurt. Really bad.

The boys set me down and Veer came to me. "You won," He said. I tried to give him a smile. The boys were all busy cheering and yelling. But I guess only Veer noticed my problem. It's because he is Veer that he noticed my problem.

"Are you okay?" Veer looked at me, in a concerned way.

"Hm... Yeah. I am okay." I said. "Just...feel a bit stuffy." I thumped my chest again. I felt like I might faint. I was probably sweating a lot as well.

"You look sick." Veer told me in a matter of fact voice. "Don't tell me running this much got you sick, dude." I would not have if I had room to breathe. It was still paining.

"Jai??" Veer called.

"I think I should go back to my room and take some rest," I said.

"Okay. I will come with you." He said.

"Nah... I will be okay alone." I needed to get out of the chest binding, I think. And with him there, it won't be good. "Besides, it's still sports day. You enjoy, dude. And don't forget to ask out Ayisha. Coz you lost big time, bro..." I felt a sharp pang on my chest again. I better get going. "Bye," I told Veer and I began to walk back to the hostel. The world swirled before my eyes. I was really feeling dizzy. Each step felt heavy.

Somehow I managed to get inside our room. I locked the door with the key, in case someone comes in.

I walked to the bathroom, and pulled away my t-shirt and undershirt... But, I was at my limits. I still could not breathe. I knew all I had to do was to untie my chest binding. My fingers fumbled with the strings. But then...things were going blurry. And then...I blacked out. Falling on the bathroom floor.