001 Return

I am a 35-year-old man.

Sorry.

35-year-old baby.

That's confusing. Isn't it?

So, this is what happened.

I died a few minutes ago.

Then...

My consciousness slowly returned. I opened my eyes. The bright light made me squint. It took some time for my vision to return.

"Ohh... You are awake!"

I saw a young lady looking at me. It was a familiar face. A face I wanted to see for decades. My mom!

I tried to get up.

Nothing happened.

My entire body felt sluggish. I could barely move my arms. I moved my hand in front of my face. My palm entered my vision.

It was short and chubby.

I tried to raise my head. But I could barely move my neck sideways. I was confused.

"uvvu uvvu vooo... Why are you not crying?" She asked playfully.

Wait. This is not right.

I am a baby!

Why am I a baby?

This is not the afterlife! I got scammed. I was prepared for the afterlife. Then this happened.

It took me a bit of time to understand what was happening. I had returned to the beginning of my life. I returned to the days when I was a baby.

At first, I was angry. But then, I felt happy.

This is great. I am getting a second chance at life. I could start living my life again. I could correct the mistakes in my previous life and live a perfect life. This time I will be able to achieve all the dreams that I failed to achieve in my previous life.

I felt more and more excited as I thought about it.

But soon, reality struck me hard.

This is not a novel. This is real life. I am stuck as a baby. Unlike novels, where the main character goes and saves the world right away, I cannot even roll on the bed.

My mom kept talking to me. I wasn't paying attention to anything she said. I was like this the whole time in my previous life. She used to get angry at me for this. I cannot make the same mistakes in this life too. I decided to pay attention to what she was saying.

"... The elephant felt angry. It started flapping its ears and flying towards the arrogant rock..."

What the hell?

Flying elephant and an arrogant rock?

Crap!

I will have to listen to all those stupid baby stories for the next few years. I am not a baby. I am a 35 year old man.

I felt a huge headache coming.

Wait... wait... WAIT...I felt like my entire body going paralyzed.

Does that mean I will be breastfed for the next few years?

Yuck!!!

I realized that I screwed up.

For the next few months, I will stay like this. Drinking breast milk, listening to all those ridiculous stories and worst of all, the singing of my elder sister. Ohhh... She must be only 4 years old now. That's going to be worse.

I decided to forget all those things. For now, let me concentrate on the positive side.

Mom is not as chubby as I remember. She was slim before giving birth to me. After that, she became a bit chubby.

She was smiling and laughing as she told the story.

I hated the story.

'I don't want the story.' I said.

"Ooo ooggu voo" That's what came out.

Ahhh... I can't talk. Thank God. If I were to speak, then it would have given my mom a heart attack. She might even yeet me out of the window.

"What? Are you hungry?"

"Aaaoo ooo" I wanted to say no. But only gibberish came out.

"Wow... My little baby is trying to talk to me. How cute... Ummmaa..."

She seemed very happy about the gibbering. I got a nice warm soft kiss as well. I really liked the kiss. It had been decades since I got a kiss from her.

But what came after the kiss was not something I wanted.

She decided to feed me. I tried to turn my head and deny it. But she didn't let me.

Despite all my protests, it ended up in my mouth. So I decided not to drink. I looked away and did nothing.

"Are you not drinking?"

"Ooo..."

"Hahaha... What do you want then? Chicken fry?"

"Ooo Ooo" I wanted 2 plates.

"Hihihi... You are not getting any. Now drink. I won't let you go without drinking."

Go where? I am a baby who cannot even roll on the bed. I wanted to cry.

I tried my best not to drink.

I will skip the details. In short, it was embarrassing. Despite all my protests, she forcefully fed me. It tasted good. It was sweet. But I would have taken those two plates of fried chicken instead.

She was always like that. Making me eat all the leafy vegetables and stuff despite my protest. I really hated it. But later I missed it.

After drinking, she burped me. I liked that part. She laid me on my belly and slowly patted my back. It was comfortable. But once I burped, she stopped doing that. So next time, I'm going to hold back my burp as long as I can.

Once she was done with me, she started yelling at my sister. She came running and took a peek. She gave me a kiss and ran away. Her name is Anu and she is 4 years old. With the attention span of a monkey and the energy of a wolf pup, she spends her entire time running around.

She looked really cute and chubby. In my memories, she was always the grumpy elder sister who was looking for a reason to fight with me. But this time, it is going to be different. This time, I will be the younger brother she wants and things should be better.

Finally, there is one more person. That's my dad. He is probably working and won't be back till evening. He is a calm and silent guy. I will tell you more about him when he returns.

Now, let me make a list of things I have to do in the future.

I have to study properly in school. With all the knowledge from my previous life, I will be able to do that without breaking a sweat. Then I will make my love fall in love with me again. That is going to be awesome. Once I am...

Wait...

I am not thinking straight. It could be because of the baby brain or maybe because of waking up just now.

I have to arrange things in the proper order.

Right now, my first priority is not studying or something far in the future. There is a very serious issue that must be addressed right now. My dignity depends on it.

It's pooping.

How am I going to poop?

I am not going to poop on the bed like a savage.

No. Savages don't poop on the bed. Babies do. I am not going to poop on the bed like a baby.

Well... I am a baby. But I am not going to poop on the bed.

How am I going to tell her that I want to poop? This bad.

Why do kids poop? I only drank milk. So it could be just pissed. This is annoying. God has done a bad job designing babies. There is no need for babies to piss as well as poop. Just one of them is enough.

Wait a second. I have to piss too...

This is going to be worse.

"What are you thinking so much?"

Mom curiously asked me.

I am thinking of an efficient way of pooping and pissing simultaneously.

"Why are you not crying as usual?"

Because I am a mature baby. I wanted to reply. But decided to keep quiet.

She continued talking. I was half-listening.

Occasionally, Anu would peek from the side and let me know of her presence.

At the same time, I could feel the trouble brewing inside me. There was a small pressure building up in my bowel. I knew this was not going to end well.

There was nothing I could do.

My bowel has turned into a small timebomb ready to explode in the lap of my mom.

I cannot let it happen. I am a man of principles. No. It is not about principles. It is about dignity. I cannot poop.

No. I can poop. But not like babies. Ahhh... My thoughts are messed up. This must be because of the baby brain.

As time passed, the pressure increased.

In between, my mom put me on the bed and went to take care of something. Then my sister came running and started talking just like mom.

It was gibberish.

"... Appa does not eat it. So mom makes me eat it. She will make you eat it too."

"Ohh... Appa promised to buy chocolate today. But I think he will forget again..."

She was cute.

Soon, mom returned. She placed me in her lap. Then I realized that I missed a great opportunity to poop.

She started talking again.

The pressure in my bowel reached uncontrollable levels.

I could even hear the beep beep sound of the timebomb.

I made sounds to get her attention. I even tried a fake cry. I tried kicking and wriggling.

Nothing worked. It felt like she believes that babies don't poop.

Slowly, it reached a point where I can no longer control it.

Then, with no more control, the bomb exploded on my mom's lap.

***

Do you know why God has no customer care?

If there was a customer care hotline, it would be flooded with complaints. And half of them will be about babies.

'My baby is pooping too much.'

'My baby is not pooping.'

'My baby is crying a lot.'

'My baby is not sleeping...'

It will be a non-ending list.

Right now, my mom's complaint is that her baby is not crying.

I woke up about 3 hours ago. After waiting for 3 hours, my dad came home. He looked handsome and healthy. My sister ran to him and started playing with him without giving him enough time to change. She knew how to handle dad. I was never this close to dad.

After giving the attention my sister demanded, he came to me. I was on the cradle watching everything with a serious look. He started cuddling me. He was quite awkward. His singing was horrible. His stories were even worse than moms. He didn't know how to talk to babies.

"He looks like he is judging me." He complained to my mom.

Yes. I am judging you. I wanted to say. But decided not to get scolded at our first meeting after many years. Not that I can talk.

"I think he is not feeling well in the stomach. He hasn't cried since today evening."

"Shall we go to a hospital?"

"No. Let's wait and see. Maybe he is just having an upset stomach."

"What did you give him?"

"2 plates of chicken fry."

What a liar!

"What? You think this is a time to joke?"

"What do you think I fed him? You are overreacting."

"Maybe the milk had spoiled."

I facepalmed myself with my tiny chubby palm. He is stupid and knows to press all the wrong buttons. As expected, mom got angry and dad just went silent. My sister just giggled watching

***

I drank more milk, pooped and pissed even more, and slept.

The second day onwards, the second trouble started.

The baby is not crying.

I thought that my parents would be delighted that I'm not crying. But they got really worried and decided to take me to the hospital.

I didn't want to go to the hospital. So I decided to cry.

"Waa waa waa..."

"What!" Mom and dad stared at me with even more worry.

"I think he is broken and needs repairs." My sister shared her valuable opinion.

Apparently, my cry wasn't dramatic enough.

I wasn't ready to give up.

How can I give up like that?

I am a 35-year-old baby with an experience that no other baby can challenge.

I shut my eyes tight and screamed in an as high pitch as possible.

"Wreee..."

...

"I think he is fine."

"Yes. We got worried for no reason."

Parents are dumb.

On one hand, life was amazing. I had nothing to do. Cry whenever I want attention or food. Drink as much as I want, poop whenever I want. But on the other hand, it was boring.

I was tired of drinking the same milk from the morning to the evening. I mean, humans have two breasts. So why didn't God create them with different flavours?

One breast should dispense milk with chocolate flavour and the other with vanilla or strawberry flavour.

But no. God had to create both the breasts with the exact same flavour. He never took the babies into consideration when he was designing the human body. The issue is that babies can't complain. So we are forced to drink whatever is given to us.

Just imagine a cow with 4 different flavours of milk. It would have been wonderful for the calves as well as humans. If you think that is silly, think of a dog with 8 different flavours! Then puppies would be the luckiest babies in the world.

Anyway, I am stuck with this same tasting milk. For breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight.

In the last few weeks, I learned that one of the best things about being a baby is the baths. Mom first applies oil on me and gives me a nice massage. After that, she baths me in warm water. After the bath, she feeds me and puts me to sleep. It is the most comfortable time in a day.

Another good thing is my sister. She is quite dumb and cute. So whenever she tells me stories or makes random talks, I am really happy. But she is too energetic to sit beside me and talk. So I don't get to spend much time with her.

So let me tell you my story.

______________________________________

Hii

This will be a humorous story with lots of heartwarming moments. It is not a romantic story. But there will be romance. I have three requests.

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Thank you.