Nineteen

Every New Year's eve night Shawn throws a party in the recreational building owned by our apartment complex. He liked to label it "a small get-together", but it always got bigger than he could handle. And usually it was a party I looked forward to because it consisted of great music and lots of drinking games. But I couldn't seem to get excited this year.

A small nudge pulled me out of my trance.

"Dude, your moping is really killing my vibe," Blair claimed, taking the seat next to me.

"I'm not moping," I lied.

She took a sip from her drink. "You're so moping."

I peered down into my cup and remained silent. She was right, but for some reason there was nothing I could do to pull myself out of it. No matter how many people walked through the door I just couldn't seem to care.

"Let me guess," Blair started. "You're bummed because Megan's not here."

"It's just rude, you know? Shawn invited her, and the least she could do is show her face," I blurted. "I mean he did let her live with him rent free."

Okay, maybe I was jumping the gun, but I hadn't seen Megan since her birthday and I had been going out of my mind. Ever since that night I had felt this horrible aching in my chest, like part of me was missing. It was a cold and dreadful feeling, and with that came the sadness I just couldn't seem to shake.

Blair leaned into her chair. "You already know what I'm gonna say."

"Yeah well, please don't," I pleaded.

"Sam." She slapped my knee. "Stop lying to yourself. It's not working anymore."

"I'm not lying to myself."

"Yes, you are."

I faced her. "Well what do you want me to do then?"

"You need to tell her."

I played dumb. "Tell who, what?"

"Tell Megan how you feel."

It shook me to the core to hear that come out of Blair's mouth. It terrified me because I knew it was true. But being open and honest about how I felt never worked. My parents hadn't accepted me when I came out. And admitting I liked Emma had only resulted in a shaky relationship built on kept secrets. What made her think things would be different with Megan?

"I can't do that," I stated.

"Why?"

"Because, it wouldn't matter if I did or not."

Blair palmed her forehead. "Sam... are you blind?"

"No, I'm not blind. I just know it wouldn't make a difference." I took a large sip from my cup. "It's Megan, Blair. Not some random girl I met at a bar. She's my teacher before anything else and I'm a teenager for shit's sake."

"You're also very pessimistic."

"So I've been told," I dead-panned.

"Look, I know you're scared-"

"I'm not scared-"

"Yes," she interrupted. "You are. And it's okay. But God you can't just keep running from things that could potentially hurt you."

"Yes I can."

Truth was, I wasn't running from anything. I just refused to admit the truth out loud. Because like I said, it wouldn't make a difference.

"Well you can stop moping because she just showed up," Blair claimed with a smile.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Megan. Just like I had feared, the aching in my chest vanished. My breath became hitched in my throat.

A wide smile spread on her face when Shawn approached her, who was obviously drunk already. I couldn't help but take in her immaculate appearance. She seemed to glow. Almost like she was a completely different person from the last time we had been together.

"Is it just me or does she look extra good tonight?" Blair asked.

"She looks..." I trailed off when her eyes found mine. "Beautiful."

Her smile widened when she saw me. My heart that had been barely beating sped up in my chest. Warmth covered me like a thick blanket. Then she started walking over to us.

Blair stood. "I'm gonna leave..."

I couldn't even conjure a proper response. Even the way she walked was attractive. When she sat she made sure to keep her distance but stayed close enough for me to smell that familiar perfume she always wore. God, the pull was stronger than ever tonight.

And after a week of not seeing her, the first thing she said was, "I went grocery shopping yesterday."

This wasn't the greeting I expected.

"That's... great?"

"I could actually afford to buy real food, Sam. Not that cheap, frozen crap that makes me sick. And I got cable in my apartment," she bragged with a smile. "And I got you a late Christmas present."

She revealed a small box from her purse. A red bow sat pretty on top. I was smiling so hard my face hurt. I tried to control myself.

"You didn't have to do that," I claimed.

"You're part of the reason I'm not broke anymore. Now open the present," she demanded. My heart fluttered.

I opened the box and saw the necklace. It was a long, bronze-colored metal. A small dream catcher hanging from the end. It really was a cute piece of jewelry.

"It reminded me of you," she confessed. "But you wear a lot of cool looking necklaces so... figured it would fit your style."

I tried to contain my smile. "Megan I love it."

She beamed at my acceptance of her gift.

Without further ado I put it on, mostly so I wouldn't lose it. Luckily it didn't clash with my outfit.

"Are you drinking?" she wondered.

I shrugged. "More or less. Usually I blackout for this party but I want to try and remember this New Years."

She laughed and it sounded like my favorite song.

"So you're financially free," I stated.

"Finally," she answered. "All thanks to you."

I blushed. "Yeah well, that was my good deed for the year."

"Why'd you do it?"

I just looked at her. I thought my reasons were obvious. "Because you needed it."

"Yeah," she sighed. "But you went out of your way to do it."

"You went out of your way to help me pass."

"I'm your teacher, Sam."

"And I'm your friend," I admitted. "Friends do stuff like that for each other."

Although "friends" didn't seem like a strong enough term for what we were, I settled for it anyway. Blair might've been right about me needing to tell Megan how I felt, but that didn't mean now was the right time. But I was afraid the right time would never truly come anyway.

Before I could even continue the conversation someone I didn't know approached Megan, pulling her attention away from me. I knew to dismiss myself and rejoin Blair who was mingling amongst the crowd. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. It annoyed me to no end because I knew we could only have minimal contact out in public. Another reason not to even bother with admitting the truth.

Her gaze would occasionally travel over to me every now and then, but she never approached me. I felt like we were playing a game, and I wasn't sure how to win. Our stares would meet and it was like she was trying so hard to tell me something, but I had no idea what.

Then Shawn approached me, interrupting the game.

"Are you still sober?"

"Unfortunately." I laughed. "But you're obviously not."

"You're right about that." He winked and raised his cup. "But seriously, you gotta tell me what's going on."

My blood ran cold. What was he talking about? Me and Megan? Why I wasn't drinking? I knew my face gave away the guilt.

"What do you mean?"

"What's going on with you and mom."

Okay, that actually scared me worse than the other two possibilities.

I shook my head. "Nothing. She just needs to grow up."

"Are you still upset over Thanksgiving?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's not just Thanksgiving, Shawn."

"Well if you'd talk to me about what happened-"

"It doesn't matter," I interrupted. "You won't understand anyway."

"I'm probably gonna regret saying this," he paused to regain his composure. "But... here it goes. Mom fucking misses you. They both do. She calls me all the time, begging and crying, asking me what she needs to do to fix this relationship..."

Oh this hurt. Shawn was too drunk. And now wasn't the right time for this conversation.

I held up my hand. "Stop. I don't want to talk about this right now-"

"You keep running from her. You keep running from the pain and you can't see that they're trying. Mom is trying, Sam. She just needs to talk to you."

I went to leave but he grabbed my arm.

"Let me go," I demanded.

"You're running right now. Please just listen to me-"

I pulled away and escaped out of the building and into the parking lot. The cold air hit me like a punch to the face. Were those tears? I wiped them away quickly and kept walking to a more secluded area. I just needed to be alone. I needed to breathe.

Why was it that Shawn couldn't see that I was running for a reason? That I was hurting and that mom would never understand me, no matter how much I talked to her. Why didn't anyone take my side for once?

I finally stopped and felt the tightening in my chest give. I felt like I was on this roller coaster of emotions and really just wanted to get off. I'd do anything not to feel like this again.

My car sat in the parking lot, the moonlight reflecting off of its hood. I could leave. I could leave right now and never come back...

"Sam?"

I turned, seeing Megan standing in the shadows of the night. Oh I really didn't need this right now. Even though she was a glimmer of light in the dark I just didn't want her around me.

"I'm fine."

I watched her step closer. "That doesn't work with me."

She stood by my side but I refused to look at her. I refused to let her see how fragile I was. She had seen that enough in me. I was sick and tired of it.

"What happened?"

I remained silent.

"You can talk to me."

Her voice was soft and caring. It became the wrecking ball that crashed through the stone wall I had built around my heart. How was she so good at doing that?

"It's mom," I answered. "It's always about mom."

"What about her?"

I raked my hand through my hair. "She doesn't know what to do about our relationship. She misses me, yet she doesn't want to accept the way I am. And Shawn says she trying but dammit it's not hard to understand why I'm cutting her off!"

My eyes burned but I closed them, my jaw clenched in the process.

"Sam, look at me."

I refused to open my eyes.

"Please," she pleaded.

I did. The cold made the tears well regardless of my efforts. She was staring at me like I was the only thing here. As if it was just her and I in this entire world.

"There's nothing wrong with you," she stated, her body trembling from the cold. "But Shawn's right. She is trying."

That's not what I wanted to hear. It angered me. My fists clenched at my sides as I shook my head.

"Fuck that," I stated.

I went to turn but she grabbed my hand. "Listen to me. I'm not finished."

I stopped in my tracks.

She sighed. "Your mom... she's unlearning something that's been drilled into her head since birth. She is trying, but she'll never understand without you there to guide her through it."

I shouldn't have to guide her. She was a grown woman. I was the child! I was the one going through all of the bullshit! Not her!

"And you're scared," she stated. "You're so scared all the time and you try to hide behind the tough mask and the alcohol and the cigarettes but Sam it's plain as day. You need to know it's okay to be scared, but you also need to know that running from things that scare you will eventually catch up to you in the end."

I was so confused, but not over what she was saying. That made perfect sense. I was confused as to why it was her out here and no one else.

I shook my head. "Why do you care so much?"

She went to answer but bit her lip and hesitated. "Because I know what it's like to hurt so bad that you push people away."

She was still holding my arm, and I noticed I was no longer cold. All of the jumbled feelings were starting to untangle and it felt so good.

"Megan I..." my voice got lost in the cold. Should I tell her? Or should I just show her instead? We were awfully close. I could see the white fog coming from her mouth. Her eyes were watching me watch her lips.

I expected her to move away from me. To break the moment. But she didn't. Everything in my body was telling me to just fall into her. Just give in to the pull and the tension. To just jump and pray that she caught me.

But I had a rational side. The part of me that knew if she didn't catch me it would hurt like a bitch when I hit the ground. Rejection from her would demolish me unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

"Yeah?" she encouraged.

I couldn't question it anymore. I couldn't resist. And even if I wanted to stop myself from falling into her I was convinced that it was impossible. My left hand grabbed hers and gently pulled her into me. My right cupped her cheek. Everything inside was screaming. I was on fire. Like we were summer in the middle of winter.

And when our lips met it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Time didn't exist. Everything was quiet. All I felt was Megan pressed against me. My hand against her face. Her hands on my chest that refused to push me away. I felt the acceptance, the warmth, and the love just wash over me like a wave. All of the horrible aching and pain disintegrated in an instant.

We held that position for a few seconds that seemed to last a lifetime but not nearly long enough for me to be satisfied. We both pulled away and just stared at each other.

Then she mumbled. "Shit."

"That wasn't the reaction I was hoping for," I admitted.

Her hands were still on my chest, burning through my clothes. "No its just... you... and me... I don't know-"

Then fireworks exploded across the street, lighting up the night sky. We jumped with shock but remained close. I couldn't move away even if I tried.

"It's midnight," I admitted.

"And I just shared a kiss with my student," she panicked.

I just looked at her. Those big blue eyes continued to flicker to my lips. I found myself smiling. "I'm not your student right now."

"We're going to regret this later."

"I'm not gonna regret anything."

Her breathing stopped.

I moved in one more time, she didn't pull away and allowed our lips to meet again. Even though I knew deep down this meant avoidance in the days to come I wanted Megan like a drug addict to their drug. I wanted the ecstasy. I wanted the escape. She was the only thing that could do that for me and I wanted it while I could have it. So dealing with the consequences could wait till later.

Her hands found my face, pulling me closer as our noses mashed together. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. As if we both knew after tonight things would change for the worse. Nothing would be the same, so tonight was all we had.

My hands held her waist, gripping her tighter with each passing second. My stomach clenched and my hands trembled. She tasted like the red wine she had drank earlier. Holding her felt like all of the pieces falling into place. That's when I realized I had never felt this before.

"Sam, why'd you run-"

Megan shoved me off of her but it was too late. Not only was Shawn standing there with wide eyes, but so was Blair. Except Blair had a huge grin on her face.

Everyone was silent for a second. No one knew what to do. I felt like everything was about collapse and there was no safety net.

"Shawn," Megan whispered. "It's not..."

She stopped. Megan knew lying wouldn't work. He had seen us with his own eyes.

"It's not what it looks like?" he mocked. "Megan, really? That's the best you got?"

The tightness in my chest loosened. He was joking with us. He didn't care.

I lamely tried to change the subject. "Happy New Years?"

"Yeah, you looked really happy," Blair teased.

I shoved her.

"I should go," Megan panicked, but before she could Shawn intruded.

"Megan chill, it's fine," he comforted. "No one here is out to get you. I actually kind of expected it-"

But Megan wasn't listening. She gathered herself and escaped through the parking lot, disappearing out of sight. Somewhere deep inside I could feel the ache resurfacing. I should've known better than to kiss her. I should've just left when I had the chance.

Before Shawn and Blair could get anymore words in I turned to leave too. My heart felt like it was stuck in my throat. Tears fell down my face like heavy raindrops. It took me everything I had to control the sobbing.

Eventually I threw myself onto my bed while the tears escaped from my eyes and rolled down my face. This was a release. It was so powerful that I couldn't even catch my breath. Is this what love felt like?

Because if this is what being in love felt like, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it