Twenty-Three

I felt like a completely different person come Monday morning. There was a lightness in my step as I found myself looking forward to getting through the day just so I could see Megan. I couldn't remember the last time I had been happy to be at school, and apparently Blair found this weird.

"What'd you do?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know what you mean."

"I mean you look like you're up to something."

I knew I needed to tell her what had gone down this weekend but I could already anticipate her reaction.

"Megan came over Saturday," I confessed.

"What?"

"Yeah," I confirmed. "And she stayed the night."

This time Blair squeezed my shoulders. "What?!"

I laughed at her predictable reaction. "You're gonna give me bruises."

"You deserve them!" Then she slapped me on the arm. "I can't believe you didn't call and tell me!"

"I wanted to tell you in person."

"Wait." Blair stopped walking. "Did you two...?"

"No," I answered. "We didn't sleep together. I mean we slept together but we didn't... you know."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep."

She stood in front of me and held my face in her hands. "Who are you and where's the Sam that I know?!"

I rolled my eyes. "I figured you'd be proud."

"Oh I am, but I'm also in shock," she said. "So why didn't you?"

I thought about it and remembered what I had felt that night. There had been a moment of hesitation, which never happened to me. That had scared me into stopping. But why?

I shook my head. "I don't really know. We came close but I ended up stopping her."

Blair just stared at me in confusion. Then a lightbulb went off in her head as she smiled. "I know why you didn't."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because," she paused. "You actually care about what Megan thinks, and that intimidates you."

"Megan does not intimidate me."

"Yes, she does."

Okay, maybe she was right.

I remembered her reaction when I had told her about Emma and realized this time was so much better. But why? This was Megan we were talking about. My brother's best friend-slash-my history teacher. Any normal person would advise me to run as far away as possible.

"Wow," she mumbled. "So does this mean you two are a thing...?"

Now this is where things got tricky.

"Um, well we didn't exactly label anything," I answered. "She said we would take it day by day."

"Fair enough."

I filled Blair in on everything else we had talked about that night and found pleasure in reliving it. Of course, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since anyway. Blair thought it was the best thing since sliced bread and I couldn't understand why.

She was happy for me, I got that, but I wasn't even sure if Megan and I would work out. But I knew deep down letting her go would be near impossible.

And the more I assessed why she was so different compared to the others, the more scared I became. She had been a friend before any of this. All the late night talks and common ground we had discovered made me relate, which resulted in a weird sense of trust. So when I compared her to other girls, there ended up being no comparison at all.

Is that why I craved being around her? Because there was more to our relationship than the constant tension we shared? Things would make a little more sense if that were the case.

The school day passed with ease, and I soon found myself heading to Megan's class. My heart raced just thinking about seeing her, but I was always good at playing it cool. I silently wondered if she had to do the same when I was around.

We rounded the corner and I immediately spotted her at the door of the classroom. She hadn't noticed me yet, which gave me a few seconds to admire her in silence.

"Megan looks really cute today," Blair assessed.

"She looks cute every day," I answered.

Blair made a gag noise.

But in all honesty Megan did look really good. Don't get me wrong, she never failed to impress, but today was different.

Her dark waves spilled over her shoulders and complimented the light blue button up she was wearing. That paired with dark pants and a pair of boots just made her look professional. I found this to be a turn on.

Then her piercing blue eyes found me. My heart stuttered in my chest as a small smile emerged on her lips. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as I paced towards her.

Blair interrupted the moment. "Earth to Sam."

I rolled my eyes. "What?"

"Sorry to interrupt your daydream but Emma's coming."

I pulled my eyes off of Megan and saw Emma heading towards us. She had a smile on her face, which indicated it was nothing serious. Although I could see Megan shift uncomfortably at the approach. Was that jealousy?

Emma stopped in front of us. "Hey losers."

I just continued to glance past Emma while Blair answered on behalf of both of us.

"Eric's throwing a party this Friday," she answered.

Blair must've addressed me because I felt this hard nudge in my side.

"Y-Yeah, maybe we'll come by," I stuttered.

"Oh I'm going with or without you," Blair stated.

Well okay then.

Blair then dismissed herself, leaving Emma and I alone. We were in hearing range for Megan to eavesdrop on our conversation, and I could see her growing impatient.

Emma leaned against the wall. "Since when aren't you down to party?"

"Who said I wasn't down?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I heard a maybe in your answer."

So me and Emma were cool, but why did she care so much anyway? There was this idea that maybe she still had something for me, but I felt that ship had sailed a long time ago.

"I might have something already going on," I lied.

Emma's brown eyes narrowed. "You seem different."

"I think that's a good thing."

"I'm not saying it isn't."

Then Megan finally called out. "Miss Carson."

A shiver ran up my spine at the sound of her calling my name. I hated to admit it, but her teacher voice was hot. My feet moved before I could even respond to Emma.

"I'll see you later," I said.

Megan's arms were crossed in defense and I could tell she wasn't particularly happy. I felt a fire somewhere deep inside at the sight. Knowing she was jealous made me smile because it meant she cared. And I knew she did, but this behavior reinforced it.

"Miss Adams," I greeted with a smirk.

"So a party this Friday?" she asked.

I sighed. "I don't know. I may have plans already."

"Like?"

"Like hanging out with you," I answered.

I hesitated at the door. The halls were empty now because of the tardy bell's approach. I half-expected Megan to have a witty comeback, but she didn't.

I leaned a little closer. "You look beautiful today."

A small smile revealed itself as her cheeks reddened. "Go sit."

"Yes ma'am."

I took my seat and watched her close the door. Her eyes found me as I basked in the fact that she couldn't keep herself from glancing over. This was something I wasn't used to feeling.

Unlike everyone else I had been involved with, I constantly craved Megan's attention.

She was like a drug with the sweetest high, except there was no tolerance. It was the same every time, and I feared I would never get used to it.

But then again, maybe that was another reason why Megan was so different, and I was starting to believe it was a good thing.

* * *

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

As I stood outside Megan's apartment I became aware of my heart that was about to beat right out of my chest. How, even after everything we had been through and knew of each other, could she still do this to me? I wanted to believe it was a bad thing but nothing in my life had ever felt so right. That thought alone was enough to scare me.

Ever since Megan had spent the night there hadn't been another chance like that in over a month. This was because her grandfather had been bedridden due to his declining health. Megan would spend as much time as she could during the weekends with him, and I didn't blame her for that. And now that his health was more stable, it allowed Megan and I to finally find time to see each other outside of school.

I took a deep breath and knocked before running my hand through my hair. It was quiet until I heard the chain-lock fall. My breath caught in my throat.

The opening of the door revealed a casual and, as always, beautiful looking Megan. Her hair was down in her natural waves while she wore a simple t-shirt and jeans. Another thing I wasn't used to seeing was her natural appeal that, in my opinion, was so much better than her professional one.

"Hey," she greeted.

I snapped out of my daze. "Hey."

I walked into her apartment for the first time since helping her move. It was so much like her it was almost scary. The furniture, the decorations... Hell, it even smelt like her.

"What did you tell Shawn?" she asked.

"Movie night at Blair's," I confessed. "Not that I think he would be upset if he knew I was here..."

She clammed up. "I just... I don't want to tell him yet."

This was something that bothered me. Megan wasn't for the idea of telling my brother what was going on between us, and I wasn't sure why. Not that Shawn was even asking in the first place. He had more important things to worry about, and I had a feeling he already knew the truth. After all, he had seen the New Years kiss.

I leaned on her counter. "You know I'm starting to feel like your big bad secret."

"Sam," Megan started. "I'm not holding out on telling Shawn because I'm embarrassed, or anything along those lines."

"Then why?"

She tilted her head. "Because, your brother is my best friend. I have to figure out what I'm gonna tell him because I know he'll have questions."

"Are you afraid he'll disapprove or something?" I asked.

"It's not that..." She paused. "I just don't want him to think differently of me."

It was a relief to know Megan was holding out for this reason and not what I had assumed. I actually found it humorous because she was intimidated by what my brother would think.

"Honestly, I think he'd be relieved to know you're who I'm with. He trusts you more than anyone," I confessed. "And Shawn is like, the least judgmental person ever."

I watched her shoulders relax. "You're right," she answered. "But we haven't even defined what this is in the first place."

Commitment was always something I had been afraid of, but that was no secret. And the whole Emma ordeal had only reinforced it. So the last thing I wanted was for the same thing to happen with Megan. Yet, I somehow knew it wouldn't be like that. It would be much different.

"What do you mean? I've been telling everyone you're my girlfriend for the past month," I joked.

She shook her head with a smile. "You're not funny."

"But you're smiling," I teased.

Every step she took towards me made my stomach clench tighter and tighter. Now that we were alone in her apartment there was a new type of tension between us. It was electrifying.

But just when I thought she would come in for a kiss, she held back. What was her reason for creating boundaries?

"I ordered pizza because I didn't feel like cooking tonight," she stated.

I decided to no longer beat around the bush.

"Can I ask you something?"

Her gaze found me in an instant. I wish my heart wouldn't stutter every time she did that. For only a moment did I forget what I was going to ask, but recovered it immediately.

"Do you hold back a lot?" I questioned. "Like with me, specifically?"

She simply nodded. "Yeah, I do."

"Why?"

"Because of multiple reasons. I hold back affection because I don't know how you'll react. I hold back personal questions because I know you're sensitive when it comes to certain things..." Then she paused. "But I mainly hold back because I don't want you to shut me out."

I was at a loss for words. This inevitably encouraged her to continue.

"You were so guarded when I first met you. You still are," she confessed. "But I knew it was for a reason."

"Okay but I'm not as guarded as I used to be," I defended. "At least with you."

She smirked. "I know."

"Don't get cocky."

"Oh I am so cocky."

I raised my brow. Was she flirting?

"And why's that?" I wondered.

"Because," she started. "I can only imagine how many girls have tried to get through to you. And then we met and within a few months I had you spilling your secrets."

I felt myself smiling, but knew that she was only telling the truth. There had always been something different about Megan. It had just taken me a little while to realize it.

"I hate to admit it, but you're right," I answered.

"Of course I'm right." She leaned closer to me. "But just out of curiosity... Why?"

It was my turn to answer but I had to take a moment. Why had it been so different?

"I wish I could say it was because you weren't nosy, but you definitely were," I joked.

She just grinned.

I continued. "I don't know... I just think in the end you were honest with me about so many things regarding your personal life that I related to you."

She blushed. God I wanted to kiss her.

"You have to open up every once in a while to relate to people."

"See but that's hard for me," I admitted. "Because a lot of people just don't care, and if they don't care why waste my time, you know?"

"It's called taking a chance, giving people the benefit of the doubt," she stated. "Because you never know who really cares unless you do."

"Are you referring to yourself?" I asked with a smirk.

"Maybe." She inched closer.

There it was again. That undeniable tension between us that was nearly impossible to ignore. How was it possible that, after all the girls I had been with before, Megan was the one to make my cold heart beat again? Were we meant to meet at this time of my life? Was this a perfect example of fate?

I watched her eyes flicker to my lips. There was a desire I had deep within, another thing I wasn't familiar with. A desire to not only taste her lips, but to kiss every part of her. There was a burning need to touch her and make sure that she felt what I felt inside.

I shifted closer. "Are you holding back right now?"

"Maybe," she repeated in a whispered.

"Are you scared too?"

Her eyes met mine then. Without saying anything she immediately answered my question. We knew exactly what we were getting into, and we knew the consequences. The fact that Megan was even giving this a shot managed to baffle me, but at the same time was extremely flattering.

"I'm terrified," she admitted.

My heart fluttered. "Me too."

She gave a small smile. "Maybe for different reasons."

"What made you change your mind?"

Her eyes fell from mine as she played with her hands. This was something I desperately wanted to understand, because in my mind it made no sense. Megan was trying to get established, to start a career and put something good back into the world. Why would she let someone like me become a road block? Why would she even consider risking it all?

"In a way it wasn't really a choice," she answered. "I mean, don't get me wrong... it's my decision to invite you over and allow this to continue, but what I feel for you isn't a choice." Then she paused. "That night I stayed over... you admitted something to me. Something I knew took you a lot to tell, and I couldn't keep avoiding what I felt."

I knew she was holding back but it didn't matter. I knew exactly what she was saying. Megan could continue to avoid me like I could with her, but there was something different between us. Something Blair had said a long time ago made its way back to my consciousness.

Was this what she had meant when she said I would just know when it was the real thing? Had she been referring to Megan the whole time?

"Why me?" I whispered.

"Why not you?"

Her words never failed to resonate. All of my life I had never heard someone say that to me. No one had really given me a chance and I didn't blame them. People considered me a wildcard. A runner. Someone who would never settle no matter what you had to offer because deep down I wasn't happy with myself.

"Because I'm damaged," I started. "Because I'm stubborn and ignorant. I'm your student, Megan. I just don't get it."

She shrugged. "You're also strong. You're guarded, but for good reason. And yet you let me in. You let me see the real Sam, and I think she's beautiful."

I was rendered silent.

"You don't have to understand my reasoning," she admitted. "Hell, I'm still trying to comprehend it, but give yourself some credit."

Maybe she was right. Maybe that was my entire problem. I just needed to give myself some credit. When I thought about it, I had grown a lot since moving from my childhood home. I had quit drugs, I barely even drank now because I realized it did nothing for me, and I had managed to allow Megan, of all people, in on my deepest secrets.

"Thank you," I said.

"For?"

"For seeing something worth your time in me."

This time my words hit her. She revealed a small smile, but seemed to be at a loss for words. I took this as the opportunity to kiss her.

My hand laced its way into her hair, pulling her into me. Every time this happened my world seemed to stop spinning. Like kissing Megan had the ability to literally erase time.

I felt all of the mess inside of me untangle. The darkness faded and the cold melted. All of a sudden the weight of the world had fallen off of my shoulders and I could breathe again. More or less. I still had to remind myself to do so while kissing her.

Then there was a knock on the door.

When she pulled away my body sighed in disappointment.

"Must be the pizza," she stated.

Honestly, that was the last thing on my mind.

She paid the delivery guy and turned towards me. Her lips were a little swollen and her face was flushed. I took pride in knowing I could accomplish that.

The burning I had for her amplified when she moved closer.

"Do you want one slice, or two-?"

I allowed my arm to snake around her back. "The pizza can wait."

I watched her bite her lip in response.

I didn't hesitate to pull her into me again. This time I wouldn't let my thoughts get the best of me. I wanted her to know I wanted her, and by the way she was kissing me back I knew it was mutual.

In the moment she had set the food down and I had managed to press myself against her. She leaned against the counter for support while my hands ran up her sides. She sucked in a tight breath when I did that. Was she nervous?

My lips eventually made their way to her jaw, and then her neck. Listening to her release subtle moans made me melt. And the way her skin felt against my lips was divine. She was perfect.

But just when I thought we were getting somewhere she stopped me.

"Wait."

I pulled back.

"You don't have to..." she trailed off. "I don't want you to feel like..."

"Feel like what?" I asked.

"Like you have something to prove," she confessed.

I tilted my head. "I'm not sure I understand..."

"Sam, there's no rush," she said. "I know you're used to hooking up with girls and being quick... but it's not like that with me."

Maybe I was rushing a bit, but that's all I knew. I knew not to waste time. That I was here for one reason and one reason only. Yet, I was aware it wasn't like that with Megan. She wasn't a hook up. She was... Megan, and I didn't have to prove anything. Just like she had said.

And as if on cue, my phone rang out, startling us apart.

My heart sank to my knees when I realized it was Shawn. He never called me while I was out unless it was an emergency.

Somewhere deep in my stomach I knew on the other side of that call was bad news. My trembling hand hesitated to answer.

"Shawn?" I asked with a shaky breath.

"Sam," he answered. "It's mom... Dad just called me. She's in the hospital."

I felt the air leave mylungs. Suddenly my world was a living nightmare, and this time I wouldn't beable to wake up.