Twenty-Four

I wanted to believe that I was asleep and this was all a dream.

It would be easy to pretend. Nothing had seemed real to me on the drive up. My brain was in a steady daze as my thoughts swarmed around my head, refusing to grant me any mercy. And I had always been the one to expect the worst. Tonight wasn't any different.

As I walked through the hospital doors and asked about my mother the body trembles became stronger. My hands shook at my sides. My heart pounded against my chest. It was taking every ounce of self-control not to freak out in the elevator while I watched the floor lights ascend. Then they opened.

It didn't take me long to spot Shawn outside the room mom was in, talking to one of the nurses. I suddenly realized I had no idea what had even happened to her. Shawn had been too distraught to even mention it over the phone.

Then my brother spotted me. He looked really distraught, and this only made my anxiety worse. How bad was it?

I put my hand on the door of the room but hesitated. "Shawn..."

"She had a minor heart attack," he informed. "But she's stable."

A heart attack¸ I told myself. My mom had a heart attack... But she was alive and would be okay. It became a little easier to breathe.

Since my hand had fallen from the door Shawn took the lead and opened it for me. The smell of hospital rooms was always the same. Sterile and dry. It reminded me of the time I had ended up in the same position on Thanksgiving.

Then I saw mom lying in bed, dad right next to her holding a conversation. Both pairs of eyes looked up at me and Shawn when we came into view.

Another nurse then popped her head into the room. "Mr. Carson? I need you one last time for some paperwork."

My dad stood and my brother decided to accompany him. They both exited the room.

I stood at the foot of mom's bed, watching her watch me for a few seconds. At first I had no idea what to even say in a moment like this, but mom surprisingly broke the silence.

"Sam," she mumbled, her hand fell on the chair next to her bed. Did she want me to sit next to her?

I moved to the chair dad had been sitting in earlier and leaned closer.

The relief I felt knowing my mom was okay made me want to break down and cry. Expecting the worst of every situation made you think of some seriously messed up scenarios. But mom was okay. I had to keep telling myself that.

My hand slipped into hers that was resting on her chest out of instinct. The warmth of her body reassured me things would be fine. The affection let me know things were different now. Something had changed, and I could feel it in this room with us.

"You're right," she stated, catching me off guard.

"About?" I questioned.

She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. Was she trying not to cry? I had seen my mom cry maybe a handful of times in my life.

"What I did to you... What I made you feel... It was so wrong," she confessed. Her voice trembled. "And when I think about it now I can't find a reason to justify it."

The sadness clenched around my heart. Megan's words from New Years rang in my head.

"It's not your fault," I assured.

"Yes it is." She paused. "I pushed you away... I tried to change you."

Everything she said was true but in this moment I couldn't even blame her. She was in a hospital bed for Christs' sake!

Then she finally looked at me. Glossy eyes met mine. I watched the tears finally roll down her cheeks before she spoke again.

"I'm so sorry," she admitted. This caused her tears to fall harder. "And I love you so much, Sam. I need you to know that."

Something inside my heart felt as if it had broken and then repaired itself all at once. This new sensation caused tears to roll down my face unwillingly. If I was being completely honest, I couldn't tell you the last time I had heard that from my mother.

She squeezed my hand as I felt my head rest against her shoulder. My tears continued to quietly fall against her hospital gown but she didn't mind. Her free hand rested against my head and played with my hair.

For some reason this felt like a release, like something that just needed to happen for things to get better.

Maybe she had realized during her health scare that trivial things like my sexual orientation no longer mattered. Or maybe she had known that all along, but this had only made her aware of it.

Suddenly all of the pain and suffering over everything I had gone through with mom seemed to vanish into thin air.

I decided to stay with her that night at the hospital. She had told me not to worry, that dad would stay but I refused. For some reason I just couldn't leave her. Not until she was released, which wouldn't happen till tomorrow morning.

During our night together we had talked about events that had happened over the past two years. Ranging from my new school to some of the people I had met along the way. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to tell her about Megan, but I found myself wanting to.

When she fell asleep I escaped to the hallway to make a call, hoping Megan was still up. At a time like this I really needed to hear her voice. Plus, I still felt a little bad for leaving so abruptly.

It rang once before she answered. "Sam, is everything okay?"

I smiled at her voice. "She's okay. Had a minor heart attack but, she's stable. I decided to stay tonight."

There was a pause. "That's... pretty surprising if I'm being honest."

I proceeded to tell her everything that had happened when I got to the hospital. She listened to the whole story without interrupting. I found it felt really good to talk about it aloud.

"I'm really happy for you," she admitted. "How do you feel?"

How did I feel? I hadn't really processed everything, but now I finally had the chance. My mom, who had basically allowed me to shut her out of my life had finally come around. Suddenly I was aware the aching in my heart was gone. It felt easier to breathe, like a huge weight had fallen from my chest.

"It feels like I can finally breathe again," I confessed. In that moment tears began to roll down my face. But crying had never felt so good.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, knowing she could hear my sniffling. "It's just a lot."

"Don't apologize," she answered. "You needed this."

I sank down against the wall and sat, knees pulled close to my chest. The tears fell silently but I never felt any sadness. It was a weird thing, to cry from happiness, but it also felt really good.

And I felt no shame sharing this moment with Megan.

"Thank you for listening. I know it's kinda late."

"Yeah well, I couldn't sleep without knowing you were okay," she confessed. "Plus I like the sound of your voice."

Suddenly I was blushing. I looked down with a smile. "Since when are you such a flirt?"

She laughed. "You're not the only one with game."

"You're pretty smooth."

"As smooth as you?"

I sighed. "No one's as smooth as me."

"Oh whatever."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Are you going to sleep soon?"

"Probably," she answered. "I'll talk to you soon?"

"Soon," I assured.

"Goodnight Sam."

I smiled. "Night."

The call ended but I stayed in the hall. Even though I was emotional I felt full. Complete. Like a big part of me that had been missing was finally returned. I believed I had never felt so happy.

And maybe Megan had been right from the start. Maybe this was the universe's way of saying things would be okay from now on, and I found myself thanking God on the cold hospital floor.

* * *

Although my relationship with my parents began to repair itself after the hospital incident, going back to my childhood home and talking out everything before I had left wasn't easy. I knew it would be a process. Something that would take time and be extremely uncomfortable. But I was more than willing to try if my parents were.

It was now Thursday afternoon and the month of March seemed to be going well. I hoped it stayed that way and tried not to expect anything bad to happen. It was getting easier to look on the bright side.

I was sitting on the couch when Shawn walked in with groceries, confusing me.

"Mind helping with the bags?" he asked.

I stood. "What's the occasion?"

He gave me a look. "Nothing special. Just invited Megan over for dinner."

For some reason something in me froze. Did he know? Then again, if he did, why did it matter? Why hadn't she warned me earlier? And if Megan didn't want him to know, why had she agreed to dinner?

I helped him unload. "Any specific reason?"

"No," he claimed. "Just haven't seen her in a while."

I instantly wondered if shit was about to hit the fan. I mean, things had been going well for a bit. Maybe the universe felt it was time to rock the boat.

Things fell silent for a little while as Shawn and I prepared the meal. It wasn't until the chicken was being put in the oven that he broke the silence.

"I'm proud of you, you know."

I looked up with a curious look. "Thanks? I mean cutting the fat off of a chicken breast isn't that hard..."

"No I mean with mom and dad," he corrected. "I know I don't understand all that you went through with them, but I know it was bad. And I'm proud that you're taking steps to fix it."

I found myself smiling. "Well thanks. I'm happy I'm no longer a disappointment."

He nudged me. "You were never a disappointment."

My chest was warm, a feeling that I was growing fond of. It was nice to know change was noticeable to people other than myself. And it was nice to know I had appeased Shawn. The last two years couldn't have been easy on him either.

"But I'm not moving back home," I joked. "You're stuck with me forever."

He laughed before mumbling a response. "I doubt that."

We went back and forth for a while to kill time, and soon I heard a knock on the door. My heart somersaulted, knowing exactly who it was.

I tried not to look too eager to answer but probably failed miserably. The door opened and Megan came into view, a smile on her face.

"Missed me?" she beamed.

"Maybe," I claimed. "Why didn't you tell me Shawn invited you?"

"You don't like surprises?"

"Not those kind of surprises."

"Then what kind?" she teased.

I raised a brow at her comment, knowing the tone of her voice was implying something sensual.

Before I could respond Shawn appeared behind me. "Are you gonna invite her in?"

Megan smirked and played along. "Yeah, Sam."

For some reason this all felt a little too staged. Like Shawn and Megan were setting me up for a bombshell that was about to drop. Of course, I hoped that wasn't the case.

"Wait," Megan stated. "Are you cooking-?"

"Chicken Parmesan," Shawn beamed. "Your recipe."

"It smells awesome."

When Shawn had his back turned Megan's hand lightly grabbed my own, catching me off guard. My body lit up under her touch. If her goal tonight was to drive me mad then it was working.

We took our places at the dinner table and held small talk, Megan sitting across from me next to Shawn. I wondered if she had done that to divert the assumption that there was something going on or if she just wanted to tease me more. I wasn't sure how I liked that side of her yet.

That was until I felt her foot running up my leg, causing a flame to ignite.

My eyes found hers that were peeking at me from under her hair. A small grin was on her lips. God I really wanted to kiss her. Why was she all of a sudden so flirty? Usually she held back a lot-

"So you're almost done with your first year," Shawn interrupted. "How was it?"

Megan didn't even miss a beat. "I think I had a great first year."

"No trouble students?"

"Only a few," she answered, sneaking another glance at me. "But they're fine now."

"Still thinking about graduate school?"

That's when everything seemed to stop. The question was of course directed at Megan but had managed to catch me of guard. Graduate school? For what? She already had a degree.

Megan seemed hesitant, knowing this was information she hadn't talked to me about.

"I was considering starting next fall," she revealed.

"In St. Louis?"

She hesitated again. "Probably not."

"Mizzou? Or Missouri State?"

Nervous eyes glanced at me. "Haven't decided yet."

"Dang. You'll have to relocate again."

"Unfortunately."

Suddenly the tension in the room was thick and I was afraid Shawn could tell. It wasn't that I was upset Megan wanted to further her education, but why hadn't she mentioned that to me? The only upsetting thing about this was her having to move to do so. After everything we had discussed already, shouldn't she have mentioned that beforehand?

Just as predicted, Shawn noticed the change in atmosphere and leaned on the table. "Why did it get weird all of a sudden?"

Megan and I remained silent.

He then looked over to Megan. "You didn't tell her you were thinking about graduate school, did you?"

Even Megan was shocked. What was Shawn implying? It seemed as if Megan had told him about us, but if that was the case then she shouldn't be so caught off guard.

"What?" he asked. "Stop looking at me like that, I know you two have something going on. I've known for a while."

Suddenly the water I was drinking caught in my throat.

"Shawn," Megan started, "It wasn't intentional-"

"I'm not upset," he cut off. "And if I'm being quite honest, it's probably one of the smartest decisions Sam's ever made. That's if you disregard the fact that you're currently her teacher..."

I was in a constant state of shock at this point. First the whole graduate school reveal and now this? I felt as if I had been slapped across the face.

"Were you ever gonna tell me?" he asked.

Megan and I were at a loss for words. I watched her shift uncomfortably in her chair before responding.

"Yes," she confessed. "I was just waiting for the right time."

He brought his glass to his lips. "When exactly would there have been a right time for that?"

Megan glanced at me. "I'm not sure."

I'm not gonna lie, this situation was weird. Shawn had never mentioned or hinted at the fact that he knew anything was going on between us. Not even after the New Years party! And now we were here facing the music, even though he didn't seem upset. But was it that obvious? Did anyone else have suspicions?

"How'd you know?" I asked.

"For one, I saw you two kiss on New Years. I was surprised I remembered it considering I was so drunk, but nevertheless. And I noticed something different when I got back from New York," he revealed. "It's hard not to notice things when I lived with both of you."

So he had known for a while, even before Megan and I had understood what was going on. Yet, I found comfort in this because it implied that the only reason he knew was because he was always around us. No one else would know unless they were the same.

"How many people know?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Only you and Blair."

He nodded. "Keep it that way. I know you're not a minor anymore but if this got out Megan's career as a teacher would be ruined."

"I know," I answered. My eyes instinctively found hers.

All of a sudden dinner seemed to be over. It's not that Shawn had ruined it by dropping the bombshell, because I personally felt relieved. Although, our appetites had surely vanished with the serious discussion.

It was when he and Megan were in the kitchen washing dishes that I overheard them from the hall.

"So you don't think it's weird?" she wondered.

"Megan," he paused, "Of course it's a little weird. I mean, you're my best friend and she's my little sister. But let's be real, you're probably the best thing that's happened to her in a while."

I smiled, knowing deep down this was true.

"She's a tough one to crack, but you did and that means something." I heard him save a dish. "I don't think I've ever seen her this happy before."

Megan mumbled something I couldn't quite make out, so I decided to quit eavesdropping.

"Shawn I really think you should thank Megan for teaching you how to cook," I joked.

He nudged her. "She knows I'm grateful."

In the moment I could see Megan relax. She was no longer tense like she had been earlier, and she felt comfortable. She became even more attractive, as if that were possible.

Shawn hugged Megan as she grabbed her purse to go. I watched the interaction with a sense of pride. This is what it felt like to feel safe. To feel loved, unconditionally. And I liked it.

"I'll walk you out," I stated, following Megan out through our garage.

"Well," she started. "I guess that needed to happen."

"Apparently sooner than later."

"Your brother was never the one to beat around the bush."

"So you should've expected it," I joked.

I watched her crystal eyes flicker between my own. One thing about our relationship was that I was forced to wait. Wait for kisses, wait to get and know her... it was a waiting game and it made me crave her more than I had craved anything before. But when the waiting finally paid off every second seemed worth it.

"We'll talk soon," she promised. "About the graduate school thing."

"Yeah, why didn't you tell me?" I wondered.

"Because I still don't know what this is."

Our relationship. She didn't know what we were and that alone had held her back from telling me? Was she afraid to make it official because she knew she'd have to leave? Or was she leaving the decision up to me? I was confused.

"I don't think I understand..." I revealed.

She gave me a small smile. "What do you want out of this Sam?"

She didn't sound sad or mad. She sounded curious. As if she genuinely didn't know. But all I could think about was her leaving, and that made me ache. She had to know that, right?

"I just want you," I confessed.

She seemed taken back. "So are you saying...?"

"I'm saying..." What was I saying? "That I want to go with you, wherever that may be. But only if you want me there."

I watched her watch me. "So you're not mad?"

"No," I stated. "But we'll take it day by day."

"Deal."

I watched her smile, giving me life. She had a way of making things feel difficult and easy at the same time. Like the way she made it hard to breathe but made my heart race.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Of course," she beamed. "Don't forget to do your homework."

I smirked, moving closer to her. "Of course, Miss Adams."

"You're not funny," she stated, but her smile said otherwise.

"So it's okay for you to tease me but I can't do the same?"

We were so close. The warmth of her body touched mine and drove me up the wall. Another thing I liked was the anticipation we created. Like the moment before you sky dived from a plane.

"Exactly," she mumbled.

"Yeah well, I don't like that rule."

Both of my hands made contact with her waist and pulled her into me. Our lips met and once again the world stopped. Every time we kissed it was the same, and I wondered if that would ever change.

I took my time and explored her lips with mine. My hands gently squeezed as hers cupped my face. She smelt amazing as always. The adrenaline soared through every fiber of my being and made me tingle at her touch.

That's when her tongue ran along my bottom lip, asking for permission. My body was already screaming but this only made it worse. I granted her access.

After what felt like ten minutes of kissing she pulled away. "I feel like a teenager again."

"Is that a good thing?"

"I think so."

I just laughed as our noses touched. No part of me wanted her to leave but I knew we would see each other tomorrow. I just hated knowing it would be as teacher and student.

Then she finally stepped away. "Goodbye Sam."

I just gave her a smile as she turned and got in her car. If we could get through these next few months,everything would be okay. So I prayed for the best and refused to think of the worst.