13. Crash

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

Last night was fun. Hanging out with Sky and his dad. Aron came a little later too. Sky and his dad look nothing alike but they have the same way of saying things. They're both very blunt. And they swear a lot. Being with Sky and Aron is so healing. It's like all the crap with me and school isn't happening when I'm with them. They just makes me happy. Then I come home and I feel like shit again. Loren's coming home soon.. that's... good. I guess. I'm kind of nervous to see her. I feel like she'll look right through me and know about what happened. And it won't take her long to know how messed up I am over it.

I've been dealing with it as best as I can. I have been drinking a little too much lately and I've been meeting up with random guys off the internet. It's distracting and kind of exciting. Though I always feel like shit after. I tried to hang out with my dad to take my mind off things but he's busy with work and practicing some song with Sky. For Sky's mom. So they can get together. And get married. I really don't want my dad and Sky's mom to get married. Then me and Sky will actually be brothers. It'll be like another nail in the coffin. It's bad enough Sky considers me his kid brother, I don't want to actually be it by law too.

"Chase, you'll be late for school if you don't leave soon!" My mom calls.

"I'm almost done!" I yell back.

I put on some black rings and chains over my black and white striped shirt. I quickly slide on my black combat boots and head for the door. Then I remember I almost forgot my water bottle. I reach into the back of my closet.

"Chase! I don't want you to be late again!"

"I'm coming, Jesus!" I scream louder then I intended to.

"Chase?!" She sounds shocked and hurt.

I sigh and take a big sip from the black water bottle. It's not actually water. I couldn't get through the day on that.

I make my way down stairs.

"I can't believe you took the lord's name in vain!" My mother scolds.

"Since when is Jesus the lord?" I sigh.

"Chase!" She smacks my arm.

"Alright! I'm sorry!"

"You'd better be." Mom gives me a stern look.

"Bye mom." I say as I head out the door.

× × ×

I pull up at school and soon after stepping out I'm surrounded by my friends. They immediately begin to talk about girls and sex and it just makes me feel more alone than ever. I have no way to relate to them at all.

We all walk into the school together

"Hi, Chase." Melissa joins my side.

"Hi." I say listlessly.

"You look good today."

"..Thanks." I frown. Her boyfriend is right in front of us.

"You have science next, right? Me too." She smiles.

I nod confused. We say goodbye to the guys and take a right into the hallway.

She grabs onto my arm. I resist the urge to pull away.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think?" She giggles. Then she starts to squeeze my bicep.

"Ooh, you're strong! Do you workout?" She asks.

"Uh.. sometimes." Though Aron hasn't had the time lately. He's swamped with school. And I haven't had the motivation to work out alone.

Melissa pulls me into a deserted hallway.

"This isn't the way to class.."

"I know." She smiles with a very peculiar look in her eyes.

She leans in.

Yikes. I really don't wanna kiss her. And I shouldn't! With Lucas and all.

"What about Lucas?"

"He's not here."

"But—"

"You're getting the chance to kiss the prettiest girl in the school right now. And you're worried about my lame ass boyfriend?"

Kinda. I don't any trouble with him and more importantly, I don't want to kiss her!

"You know, ever since you broke up with Fawn, we haven't really seen you with a girl. People are starting to talk." She inspects my face fiercely.

Shit. Everyone knows. Everyone knows I don't like girls. I can't believe that's what they've been talking about all this time and I never knew! What if my mom finds out? She'll send me to conversion camp, she'll— And what about the guys? They're not like Sky's friends, they'll probably beat me up.

"And when the guys were talking about girls just now, you weren't exactly participating either.." The way she's looking at me.. it's like she thinks I have a disease. She pulls away. "You're not actually.."

I grab her back and pull her against me.

"Why talk about it if you can just do it, right?" I press my lips to hers. She grabs onto me eagerly. I can feel her lips curl up in a smile as she kisses me.

I pretend it's someone else I'm kissing. I pretend it's him. It barely works. It's too sloppy. There's no fire. No spark. It's like kissing a ball of slime. I hate it. But I don't let it show. I think I've become a pretty good actor after all the lying I've been doing.

"Oh my GOD!" A girl exclaims.

I let go of Melissa but it's too late. The girl has already taken a picture.

And she's not alone. There are like three other girls that saw us make out.

My heart goes into a frenzy. My life is over. Luke is gonna find out. I'll be dead!

"Delete that!" Melissa yells.

"Too late!" The girl holds up her phone.

"I posted it on Insta. I tagged your boyfriend. Knowing him, he'll see it in about five minutes." She smirks evilly.

"Shit! What do we do?" Melissa looks at me, desperation in her eyes.

I don't know what to do. Great. This is exactly what I needed.

I turn around and walk away, pushing through the girls blocking the way.

"Hey!" One of them yells.

I walk out of the school.

I feel like my heart's gonna burst. Why did I do that?! Why the fuck did I kiss her! Lucas is going to kill me!

"Yo, Chambers!" I hear from behind me.

My heart stops beating. It's Lucas.

I turn around.

"What the fuck, dude!" He screams as he marches towards me. All the guys follow. Before we know it we're surrounded.

He gives me a shove. It doesn't hurt at all. In fact, his touch is light.

"You kissed my fucking girlfriend! Some friend you are!" He screams.

"Look, I'm sorry—"

"Yeah, right! You know, I wish I had just left you where you were last year. A fucking loser! With no friends, NOTHING! You were just some prissy little fag!"

That completely pisses me off and before I know it I've given him push. He falls into the crowd of people. They pick him back up.

"You're dead!"

"You think I'm a pussy? You can't even keep your fucking girlfriend!" I push him again.

"Ooh!" The guys go.

Lucas is red with rage by now. It doesn't intimidate me at all. He's weak.

"You're lucky all I did was kiss her." I speak lowly and slowly as I spit out the words like acid. I might be angrier at him than is justified but I just can't control myself right now.

Lucas's nostrils flare in rage as he takes a swing at me. I grab his fist and shove him to the ground instead.

Aron and I haven't just been lifting weights. We've been boxing too.

All the guys start to laugh and cheer and they're instantly on my side.

Lucas is on the ground wincing in pain. His back seems to be hurt.

I wait for him to get up but he doesn't.

"Dude, maybe you should call an ambulance." Zane whispers.

Is it that bad?

I can't be here right now. I walk away.

Some of the guys follow after me.

"Dude! That was awesome! You totally burned him, man!" Alex grabs my shoulders.

They pat my back in support.

"I don't think Luke is gonna be playing any time soon. Do you wanna be on the football team?" Wayne asks.

I'm surprised he's with me instead of Luke right now. I thought they were best friends.

I look back at Lucas. Some random guys are helping him back up. He seems to be okay. He can stand at least.

"Chase?" Wayne asks, grabbing my attention again.

"No." I say curtly.

"And can you guys just get off me?!" I shrug their hands off.

"Just leave me alone for a while." I open the car.

"Sure, dude." They all back away. Their eyes are big in wonder and they seem to admire me now. I can't believe it. I just kissed a guy's girlfriend and beat him to the ground and people think that's cool. This is so fucked up.

I drive away.

× × ×

I take another sip from my bottle. I'm becoming everything I hate. Not that I was someone I loved before but at least I could stand to look at myself in the mirror. Now all I see is waste.

I watch the waves crash on the shore as I sit in my car by the beach.

I look at my phone. Maybe I should call Sky. Tell him what happened. With Kev. Maybe he'd understand. Maybe he could help me. I lean against the seat.

No. He'd just tell my dad. He wouldn't understand. He doesn't get the pressure I'm under. My dad might accept me being gay but my mom won't and what about God?

I snort. What about God? I'm lost. And after all the shit I've pulled I'm sure He doesn't care about me anymore.

I shake my head and a tear streams down my face.

I look at the keys in the car. Shiny and silver. I think of blades. I think of cutting.

I pull up my sleeve. I haven't in months. I'm in therapy for this. I'm getting better. Doctor Lewis said so.

I put my head in my hands as the tears stream down. "Fuck!" I scream. I sob like crazy.

Stop crying. Stop crying! I yell at myself.

I turn on my music and try to calm down.

After a while I start the car and drive home. I know I'm definitely too drunk to drive right now but I don't care.

I have no one to call.

I try to rush home. I just want to go to bed and never wake up again.

Suddenly a car comes from my left. Out of nowhere it seems. I jerk the wheel in an attempt to get away. The car crashes against a tree and my head bangs against the wheel.